1 00:00:01,497 --> 00:00:04,164 Speaking up is hard to do. 2 00:00:04,740 --> 00:00:09,682 I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago, 3 00:00:09,682 --> 00:00:12,585 when my wife and I became new parents. 4 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,050 And it was an amazing moment. 5 00:00:15,050 --> 00:00:17,258 It was exhilarating and elating, 6 00:00:17,258 --> 00:00:20,433 but it was also scary and terrifying. 7 00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:24,535 And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital. 8 00:00:24,849 --> 00:00:26,333 And we were unsure 9 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:30,422 whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. 10 00:00:30,879 --> 00:00:34,063 And we wanted to call our pediatrician, 11 00:00:34,063 --> 00:00:36,668 but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression, 12 00:00:36,668 --> 00:00:38,957 or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent. 13 00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:40,896 So we worried ... 14 00:00:40,896 --> 00:00:42,301 and we waited. 15 00:00:42,301 --> 00:00:44,560 When we got to the doctor's office the next day, 16 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,790 she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated. 17 00:00:49,518 --> 00:00:50,975 Our son is fine now, 18 00:00:50,975 --> 00:00:54,353 and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her, 19 00:00:54,353 --> 00:00:55,902 but in that moment, 20 00:00:55,902 --> 00:00:57,702 I should've spoken up, 21 00:00:57,702 --> 00:00:59,078 but I didn't. 22 00:00:59,078 --> 00:01:02,523 But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, 23 00:01:02,523 --> 00:01:06,317 and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. 24 00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:09,451 My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, 25 00:01:09,451 --> 00:01:11,004 and for one of his first films, 26 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,757 he got an offer from a distribution company. 27 00:01:13,757 --> 00:01:15,118 And he was excited, 28 00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:17,713 and he was inclined to accept the offer, 29 00:01:17,713 --> 00:01:19,950 but as a negotiations researcher, 30 00:01:19,950 --> 00:01:22,970 I insisted he make a counteroffer, 31 00:01:22,970 --> 00:01:25,738 and I helped him craft the perfect one. 32 00:01:25,975 --> 00:01:27,812 And it was perfect -- 33 00:01:27,812 --> 00:01:29,982 it was perfectly insulting. 34 00:01:30,479 --> 00:01:32,437 The company was so offended, 35 00:01:32,437 --> 00:01:34,509 they literally withdrew the offer, 36 00:01:34,509 --> 00:01:36,482 and my brother was left with nothing. 37 00:01:36,749 --> 00:01:40,632 And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: 38 00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:42,489 when they can assert themselves, 39 00:01:42,489 --> 00:01:44,226 when they can push their interests, 40 00:01:44,226 --> 00:01:46,444 when they can express an opinion, 41 00:01:46,444 --> 00:01:48,655 when they can make an ambitious ask. 42 00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:53,286 And the range of stories are varied and diverse, 43 00:01:53,286 --> 00:01:55,717 but they also make up a universal tapestry. 44 00:01:56,046 --> 00:01:58,747 Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? 45 00:01:58,747 --> 00:02:03,131 Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? 46 00:02:03,131 --> 00:02:06,198 Can I challenge my friends in sensitive joke? 47 00:02:06,573 --> 00:02:11,178 Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities? 48 00:02:11,178 --> 00:02:12,706 And through these experiences, 49 00:02:12,706 --> 00:02:13,913 I've come to recognize 50 00:02:13,913 --> 00:02:17,793 that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. 51 00:02:17,793 --> 00:02:21,589 Now sometimes we're too strong; 52 00:02:21,589 --> 00:02:23,080 we push ourselves too much. 53 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,817 That's what happened with my brother. 54 00:02:24,817 --> 00:02:29,443 Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. 55 00:02:29,791 --> 00:02:31,542 But sometimes we're too weak. 56 00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:33,514 That's what happened with my wife and I. 57 00:02:33,514 --> 00:02:35,938 And this range of acceptable behaviors -- 58 00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:37,593 when we start within our range, 59 00:02:37,593 --> 00:02:38,966 we're rewarded. 60 00:02:38,966 --> 00:02:40,848 When we step outside that range, 61 00:02:40,848 --> 00:02:43,002 we get punished in a variety of ways. 62 00:02:43,002 --> 00:02:44,755 We get dismissed or demeaned, 63 00:02:44,755 --> 00:02:46,163 or even ostracized. 64 00:02:46,163 --> 00:02:49,863 Or we lose that raise, or that promotion or that deal. 65 00:02:50,097 --> 00:02:52,884 Now the first thing we need to know is: 66 00:02:52,884 --> 00:02:54,372 what is my range? 67 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:59,473 But the key thing is our range isn't fixed; 68 00:02:59,473 --> 00:03:01,049 it's actually pretty dynamic. 69 00:03:01,049 --> 00:03:05,163 It expands and it narrows based on the context. 70 00:03:05,511 --> 00:03:10,204 And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, 71 00:03:10,204 --> 00:03:11,641 and that's your power. 72 00:03:11,641 --> 00:03:13,821 Your power determines your range. 73 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:15,281 What is power? 74 00:03:15,281 --> 00:03:16,971 Power comes in lots of forms. 75 00:03:16,971 --> 00:03:19,901 In negotiations it comes in the form of alternatives. 76 00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,111 So my brother had no alternatives; 77 00:03:22,111 --> 00:03:23,321 he lacked power. 78 00:03:23,321 --> 00:03:25,081 The company had lots of alternatives; 79 00:03:25,081 --> 00:03:26,361 they had power. 80 00:03:26,361 --> 00:03:28,509 Sometimes it's being new to a country, 81 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:29,556 like an immigrant. 82 00:03:29,556 --> 00:03:31,038 Or new to an organization, 83 00:03:31,038 --> 00:03:32,576 or new to an experience, 84 00:03:32,576 --> 00:03:34,412 like my wife and I as new parents. 85 00:03:34,569 --> 00:03:35,974 Sometimes it's at work 86 00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:38,569 where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. 87 00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:40,361 Sometimes it's in relationships, 88 00:03:40,361 --> 00:03:43,099 where one person's more invested than the other person. 89 00:03:43,365 --> 00:03:47,143 And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, 90 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,995 our range is very wide. 91 00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:51,626 We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. 92 00:03:51,996 --> 00:03:53,297 But when we lack power, 93 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:54,820 our range narrows. 94 00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,615 We have very little leeway. 95 00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,840 And the problem is that when our range narrows 96 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:04,310 that produces something called the low-power double bind. 97 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:07,209 And the low-power double bind happens 98 00:04:07,209 --> 00:04:10,632 when if don't speak up we go unnoticed, 99 00:04:10,632 --> 00:04:13,143 but if we do speak up we get punished. 100 00:04:13,543 --> 00:04:16,330 Now many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" 101 00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:18,001 and connected it with one thing, 102 00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:19,299 and that's gender. 103 00:04:19,299 --> 00:04:23,659 The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, 104 00:04:23,659 --> 00:04:26,342 and women who do speak up get punished. 105 00:04:26,342 --> 00:04:31,393 And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, 106 00:04:31,393 --> 00:04:33,651 but they have barriers to doing so. 107 00:04:34,219 --> 00:04:37,520 But what my research has shown over the last two decades 108 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,281 is that what looks like a gender difference 109 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,568 is not really a gender double bind, 110 00:04:43,568 --> 00:04:45,947 it's a really a low-power double bind. 111 00:04:45,947 --> 00:04:47,937 And what looks like a gender difference 112 00:04:47,937 --> 00:04:51,202 are really often just power differences in disguise. 113 00:04:51,545 --> 00:04:54,849 Oftentimes we see a man and a woman, or men and women, 114 00:04:54,849 --> 00:04:55,950 and we think: 115 00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,069 biological cause. 116 00:04:57,069 --> 00:05:00,265 There's something fundamentally different about the sexes. 117 00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:02,269 But in study after study, 118 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:07,187 I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences 119 00:05:07,187 --> 00:05:08,699 is really power. 120 00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:12,134 And so it's the low-power double bind. 121 00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:17,117 And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, 122 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,828 and we lack power. 123 00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:20,083 We have a narrow range, 124 00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:22,170 and our double bind is very large. 125 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,801 So we need to find ways to expand our range. 126 00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:26,401 And over the last couple decades, 127 00:05:26,401 --> 00:05:29,583 my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. 128 00:05:30,075 --> 00:05:31,118 The first: 129 00:05:31,118 --> 00:05:33,831 you seem powerful in your own eyes. 130 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,843 The second: 131 00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:37,804 you seem powerful in the eyes of others. 132 00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:40,351 When I feel powerful, 133 00:05:40,351 --> 00:05:42,112 I feel confident not fearful; 134 00:05:42,112 --> 00:05:44,093 I expand my own range. 135 00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,837 When other people see me as powerful, 136 00:05:46,837 --> 00:05:49,164 they grant me a wider range. 137 00:05:49,396 --> 00:05:53,953 So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. 138 00:05:54,173 --> 00:05:56,472 And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. 139 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,011 Speaking up is risky, 140 00:05:59,011 --> 00:06:02,427 but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up. 141 00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:09,193 So the first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations 142 00:06:09,193 --> 00:06:10,402 in an important finding. 143 00:06:10,596 --> 00:06:14,515 On average, women make less ambitions offers, 144 00:06:14,515 --> 00:06:17,989 and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. 145 00:06:18,328 --> 00:06:20,945 But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah 146 00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:22,899 have discovered there's one situation 147 00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:26,866 where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. 148 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,995 That's when they advocate for others. 149 00:06:31,505 --> 00:06:33,571 And when they advocate for others, 150 00:06:33,571 --> 00:06:38,065 they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. 151 00:06:38,393 --> 00:06:39,921 They become more assertive. 152 00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:43,150 Now this is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." 153 00:06:43,722 --> 00:06:46,004 Like a mama bear defending her cubs, 154 00:06:46,004 --> 00:06:47,494 when we advocate for others, 155 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,850 we can discover our own voice. 156 00:06:50,492 --> 00:06:53,469 But sometimes we have to advocated for ourselves. 157 00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:55,029 How do we do that? 158 00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:58,918 And one of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves 159 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,462 is something called perspective-taking. 160 00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,364 And perspective-taking is really simple: 161 00:07:04,364 --> 00:07:08,954 it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. 162 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:12,754 And it's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. 163 00:07:13,009 --> 00:07:14,835 When I take your perspective, 164 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,297 and I think about what you really want, 165 00:07:17,297 --> 00:07:20,804 you're more likely to give me what I really want. 166 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,202 But here's the problem. 167 00:07:23,202 --> 00:07:25,506 Perspective-taking is hard to do. 168 00:07:25,506 --> 00:07:27,059 So let's do a little experiment. 169 00:07:27,059 --> 00:07:30,096 I want you all to hold your hand just like this: 170 00:07:30,096 --> 00:07:31,098 your finger -- 171 00:07:31,098 --> 00:07:32,104 put it up. 172 00:07:32,104 --> 00:07:36,106 And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead 173 00:07:36,106 --> 00:07:37,687 as quickly as possible. 174 00:07:40,337 --> 00:07:43,558 OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways; 175 00:07:43,558 --> 00:07:46,875 and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. 176 00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:50,618 I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- 177 00:07:50,618 --> 00:07:52,476 my former student Erika Hall. 178 00:07:53,414 --> 00:07:55,694 And you can see over here, 179 00:07:55,694 --> 00:07:56,943 that's the correct E. 180 00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,953 I drew the E so it looks like and E to another person. 181 00:08:00,266 --> 00:08:02,483 That's the perspective-taking E 182 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:05,459 because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. 183 00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:08,469 But this is over here is the self-focused E. 184 00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:10,740 And we often get self-focused. 185 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,707 And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis. 186 00:08:14,223 --> 00:08:16,343 I want to tell you about a particular crisis. 187 00:08:16,343 --> 00:08:19,347 A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. 188 00:08:20,461 --> 00:08:24,969 And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." 189 00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:28,315 Now the bank manager didn't give him the money. 190 00:08:28,315 --> 00:08:30,048 She took a step back. 191 00:08:30,048 --> 00:08:31,671 She took his perspective, 192 00:08:31,671 --> 00:08:33,943 and she noticed something really important. 193 00:08:33,943 --> 00:08:36,329 He asked for a specific amount of money. 194 00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:41,195 So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?" 195 00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:42,424 And he said, 196 00:08:42,424 --> 00:08:46,164 "My friend's going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately." 197 00:08:46,164 --> 00:08:49,236 And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank, 198 00:08:49,236 --> 00:08:50,747 you want to take out a loan." 199 00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:51,753 (Laughter) 200 00:08:51,753 --> 00:08:53,561 "Why don't you come back to my office, 201 00:08:53,561 --> 00:08:55,659 and we can have you fill out the paperwork." 202 00:08:55,659 --> 00:08:56,663 (Laughter) 203 00:08:56,663 --> 00:09:02,412 Now, her quick perspective-taking diffused a volatile situation. 204 00:09:02,412 --> 00:09:04,307 So when we take someone's perspective, 205 00:09:04,307 --> 00:09:07,757 it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, 206 00:09:07,757 --> 00:09:09,095 but still be likable. 207 00:09:09,397 --> 00:09:12,688 Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, 208 00:09:12,688 --> 00:09:15,219 and that is to signal flexibility. 209 00:09:15,604 --> 00:09:19,926 Now imagine you're a car salesperson and you want to sell someone a car. 210 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:23,810 You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. 211 00:09:24,324 --> 00:09:25,770 Let's say option A: 212 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:28,712 $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. 213 00:09:29,172 --> 00:09:30,851 Or option B: 214 00:09:30,851 --> 00:09:33,679 $23,000 and a three-year warranty. 215 00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:37,715 My research shows that when you give people choice among options, 216 00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:39,627 it lowers their defenses, 217 00:09:39,627 --> 00:09:41,734 and they're more likely to accept your offer. 218 00:09:42,243 --> 00:09:44,383 And this doesn't just work with sales people; 219 00:09:44,383 --> 00:09:45,808 it works with parents. 220 00:09:45,808 --> 00:09:47,110 When my neice was four, 221 00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:50,027 she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. 222 00:09:50,399 --> 00:09:53,317 But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. 223 00:09:53,317 --> 00:09:55,821 What if I gave my daughter a choice? 224 00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:57,071 This shirt or that shirt? 225 00:09:57,071 --> 00:09:58,069 OK, that shirt. 226 00:09:58,069 --> 00:09:59,177 This pant or that pant? 227 00:09:59,177 --> 00:10:00,184 OK, that pant. 228 00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:01,513 And it worked brilliantly. 229 00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:04,899 She got dressed quickly and without resistance. 230 00:10:05,665 --> 00:10:07,829 When I've asked the question around the world -- 231 00:10:07,829 --> 00:10:09,851 when people feel comfortable speaking up -- 232 00:10:09,851 --> 00:10:11,520 the number one answer is: 233 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,218 when I have social support in my audience. 234 00:10:14,218 --> 00:10:16,034 When I have allies. 235 00:10:16,306 --> 00:10:19,889 So we want to get allies on our side. 236 00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:21,878 How do we do that? 237 00:10:22,127 --> 00:10:24,312 Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. 238 00:10:24,312 --> 00:10:25,702 When we advocate for others, 239 00:10:25,702 --> 00:10:29,254 we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, 240 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,410 but we also earn strong allies. 241 00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:34,976 Another way that we can earn strong allies, 242 00:10:34,976 --> 00:10:36,840 especially in high places, 243 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,712 is by asking other people for advice. 244 00:10:39,712 --> 00:10:43,211 When we ask others for advice, 245 00:10:43,211 --> 00:10:45,600 they like us because we flatter them, 246 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,599 and we're expressing humility. 247 00:10:47,599 --> 00:10:50,670 And this really works to solve another double bind. 248 00:10:51,094 --> 00:10:53,691 And that's the self-promotion double bind. 249 00:10:53,691 --> 00:10:55,146 The self-promotion double bind 250 00:10:55,146 --> 00:10:58,413 is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, 251 00:10:58,413 --> 00:10:59,646 no one notices. 252 00:10:59,646 --> 00:11:00,947 And if we do, 253 00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:02,154 we're not likable. 254 00:11:02,154 --> 00:11:05,743 But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, 255 00:11:05,743 --> 00:11:10,053 we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. 256 00:11:10,702 --> 00:11:12,723 And this is so powerful, 257 00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:15,386 it even works when you see it coming. 258 00:11:15,707 --> 00:11:20,068 There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned 259 00:11:20,068 --> 00:11:23,925 that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. 260 00:11:24,472 --> 00:11:26,659 And I want to notice three things about this. 261 00:11:26,659 --> 00:11:29,567 First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. 262 00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:34,173 Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits 263 00:11:34,173 --> 00:11:35,474 of asking for advice. 264 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,056 And three, 265 00:11:37,056 --> 00:11:38,348 it still worked. 266 00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,071 I took their perspective, 267 00:11:40,071 --> 00:11:42,325 I became more invested in their calls, 268 00:11:42,325 --> 00:11:46,300 I became more committed to them because they asked for advice. 269 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:50,227 Now another time we feel more confident speaking up 270 00:11:50,227 --> 00:11:51,968 is when we have expertise. 271 00:11:52,351 --> 00:11:54,503 Expertise gives us credibility. 272 00:11:54,723 --> 00:11:56,456 Now when we have high power, 273 00:11:56,456 --> 00:11:57,933 we already have credibility. 274 00:11:57,933 --> 00:11:59,681 We only need good evidence. 275 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,527 When we lack power, 276 00:12:01,527 --> 00:12:03,100 we don't have the credibility, 277 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,140 we need excellent evidence. 278 00:12:05,569 --> 00:12:09,427 And one of the ways that we can come across as an expert 279 00:12:09,427 --> 00:12:11,525 is by tapping into our passion. 280 00:12:11,959 --> 00:12:16,185 I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs, 281 00:12:16,185 --> 00:12:17,402 and just say to them, 282 00:12:17,402 --> 00:12:20,395 "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." 283 00:12:20,945 --> 00:12:23,453 I've had people do this all over the world 284 00:12:23,453 --> 00:12:24,732 and I asked them, 285 00:12:24,732 --> 00:12:29,164 "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" 286 00:12:29,164 --> 00:12:30,984 And the answers are always the same. 287 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,015 "Their eyes lit up and got big. 288 00:12:33,015 --> 00:12:35,831 They smiled a big beaming smile. 289 00:12:35,831 --> 00:12:37,378 They used their hand all over -- 290 00:12:37,378 --> 00:12:39,860 I had to duck because their hands were coming at me. 291 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,980 They talk quickly with a little higher pitch. 292 00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:42,977 (Laughter) 293 00:12:42,977 --> 00:12:45,450 "And they leaned in as if telling me a secret." 294 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,189 And then I said to them, 295 00:12:47,189 --> 00:12:50,533 "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?" 296 00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:51,527 And they said, 297 00:12:51,527 --> 00:12:52,753 "My eyes lit up. 298 00:12:52,753 --> 00:12:54,214 I smiled, 299 00:12:54,214 --> 00:12:55,678 I leaned in." 300 00:12:55,678 --> 00:12:57,581 When we tap into our passion, 301 00:12:57,581 --> 00:12:59,516 we give ourselves the courage, 302 00:12:59,516 --> 00:13:00,533 in our own eyes, 303 00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:01,525 to speak up, 304 00:13:01,525 --> 00:13:04,393 but we also get the permission from others to speak up. 305 00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:09,965 And tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. 306 00:13:10,716 --> 00:13:15,424 Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. 307 00:13:15,424 --> 00:13:17,727 But [Lizzy] Wolf has shown 308 00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:22,033 that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, 309 00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:27,938 the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women. 310 00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:32,396 I want to end with a few words from my late father 311 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,859 that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. 312 00:13:34,859 --> 00:13:36,747 And here's a picture of us. 313 00:13:38,307 --> 00:13:40,350 My dad was a psychologist like me, 314 00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:43,938 but his real love and his real passion was cinema, 315 00:13:43,938 --> 00:13:45,161 like my brother. 316 00:13:45,161 --> 00:13:47,826 And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding 317 00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:50,568 about the roles we play in the human comedy. 318 00:13:50,766 --> 00:13:51,767 And he said, 319 00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:53,253 "The lighter your touch, 320 00:13:53,253 --> 00:13:57,321 the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. 321 00:13:57,321 --> 00:13:59,407 Those who embrace their roles, 322 00:13:59,407 --> 00:14:02,264 and work to improve their performance, 323 00:14:02,264 --> 00:14:04,761 grow, change and expand the self. 324 00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:06,624 Play it well, 325 00:14:06,624 --> 00:14:08,889 and your days will be mostly joyful." 326 00:14:09,124 --> 00:14:10,873 And what my dad was saying 327 00:14:10,873 --> 00:14:15,342 is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world, 328 00:14:15,342 --> 00:14:18,807 but he was also saying the essence of this talk. 329 00:14:19,212 --> 00:14:24,229 Those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving. 330 00:14:24,890 --> 00:14:27,329 So when a scene calls for it, 331 00:14:27,329 --> 00:14:29,521 be a ferocious mama bear, 332 00:14:29,521 --> 00:14:32,096 and a humble advice seeker ... 333 00:14:32,096 --> 00:14:36,069 have excellent evidence and strong allies; 334 00:14:36,069 --> 00:14:38,921 be a passionate perspective-taker. 335 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,755 And if you use those tools -- 336 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:44,247 and each and every one of you can use these tools -- 337 00:14:44,247 --> 00:14:48,356 you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, 338 00:14:48,356 --> 00:14:51,652 and your days will be mostly joyful. 339 00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:53,256 Thank you. 340 00:14:53,256 --> 00:14:54,290 (Applause)