WEBVTT

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Speaking up is hard to do.

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I understood the true meaning
of this phrase exactly one month ago,

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when my wife and I became new parents.

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And it was an amazing moment.

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It was exhilarating and elating,

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but it was also scary and terrifying.

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And it got particularly terrifying
when we got home from the hospital.

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And we were unsure

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whether our little baby boy was getting
enough nutrients from breastfeeding.

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And we wanted to call our pediatrician,

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but we also didn't want
to make a bad first impression,

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or come across as a crazy,
neurotic parent.

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So we worried ...

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and we waited.

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When we got to the doctor's
office the next day,

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she immediately gave him formula
because he was pretty dehydrated.

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Our son is fine now,

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and our doctor has reassured us
we can always contact her,

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but in that moment,

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I should've spoken up,

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but I didn't.

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But sometimes we speak up
when we shouldn't,

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and I learned that over 10 years ago
when I let my twin brother down.

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My twin brother is
a documentary filmmaker,

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and for one of his first films,

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he got an offer from
a distribution company.

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And he was excited,

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and he was inclined to accept the offer,

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but as a negotiations researcher,

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I insisted he make a counteroffer,

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and I helped him craft the perfect one.

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And it was perfect --

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it was perfectly insulting.

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The company was so offended,

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they literally withdrew the offer,

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and my brother was left with nothing.

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And I've asked people all over the world
about this dilemma of speaking up:

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when they can assert themselves,

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when they can push their interests,

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when they can express an opinion,

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when they can make an ambitious ask.

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And the range of stories
are varied and diverse,

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but they also make up
a universal tapestry.

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Can I correct my boss
when they make a mistake?

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Can I confront my coworker
who keeps stepping on my toes?

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Can I challenge my friends
in sensitive joke?

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Can I tell the person I love the most
my deepest insecurities?

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And through these experiences,

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I've come to recognize

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that each of us have something called
a range of acceptable behavior.

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Now sometimes we're too strong;

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we push ourselves too much.

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That's what happened with my brother.

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Even making an offer was outside
his range of acceptable behavior.

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But sometimes we're too weak.

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That's what happened with my wife and I.

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And this range of acceptable behaviors --

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when we start within our range,

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we're rewarded.

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When we step outside that range,

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we get punished in a variety of ways.

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We get dismissed or demeaned,

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or even ostracized.

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Or we lose that raise,
or that promotion or that deal.

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Now the first thing we need to know is:

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what is my range?

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But the key thing is
our range isn't fixed;

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it's actually pretty dynamic.

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It expands and it narrows
based on the context.

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And there's one thing that determines
that range more than anything else,

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and that's your power.

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Your power determines your range.

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What is power?

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Power comes in lots of forms.

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In negotiations it comes
in the form of alternatives.

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So my brother had no alternatives;

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he lacked power.

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The company had lots of alternatives;

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they had power.

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Sometimes it's being new to a country,

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like an immigrant.

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Or new to an organization,

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or new to an experience,

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like my wife and I as new parents.

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Sometimes it's at work

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where someone's the boss
and someone's the subordinate.

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Sometimes it's in relationships,

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where one person's more invested
than the other person.

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And the key thing is that when
we have lots of power,

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our range is very wide.

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We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

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But when we lack power,

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our range narrows.

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We have very little leeway.

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And the problem is that when
our range narrows

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that produces something called
the low-power double bind.

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And the low-power double bind happens

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when if don't speak up we go unnoticed,

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but if we do speak up we get punished.

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Now many of you have heard
the phrase the "double bind"

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and connected it with one thing,

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and that's gender.

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The gender double bind is women
who don't speak up go unnoticed,

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and women who do speak up get punished.

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And the key thing is that women have
the same need as men to speak up,

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but they have barriers to doing so.

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But what my research has shown
over the last two decades

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is that what looks
like a gender difference

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is not really a gender double bind,

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it's a really a low-power double bind.

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And what looks like a gender difference

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are really often just power
differences in disguise.

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Oftentimes we see a man
and a woman, or men and women,

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and we think:

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biological cause.

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There's something fundamentally
different about the sexes.

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But in study after study,

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I've found that a better explanation
for many sex differences

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is really power.

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And so it's the low-power double bind.

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And the low-power double bind
means that we have a narrow range,

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and we lack power.

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We have a narrow range,

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and our double bind is very large.

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So we need to find ways
to expand our range.

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And over the last couple decades,

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my colleagues and I have found
two things really matter.

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The first:

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you seem powerful in your own eyes.

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The second:

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you seem powerful in the eyes of others.

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When I feel powerful,

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I feel confident not fearful;

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I expand in my own range.

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When other people see me as powerful,

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they grant me a wider range.

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So we need tools to expand
our range of acceptable behavior.

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And I'm going to give you
a set of tools today.

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Speaking up is risky,

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but these tools will lower
your risk of speaking up.

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So the first tool I'm going to give you
got discovered in negotiations

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in an important finding.

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On average, women make less
ambitions offers,

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and get worse outcomes than men
at the bargaining table.

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But [hanerelli bowles]
and [Emily Monatula]

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have discovered there's one situation

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where women get the same outcomes as men
and are just as ambitious.

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That's when they advocate for others.

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And when they advocate for others,

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they discover their own range
and expand it in their own mind.

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They become more assertive.

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Now this is sometimes called
"the mama bear effect."

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Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

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when we advocate for others,

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we can discover our own voice.

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But sometimes we have to
advocated for ourselves.

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How do we do that?

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And one of the most important tools
we have to advocate for ourselves

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is something called "perspective-taking."

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And perspective-taking is really simple:

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it's simply looking at the world
through the eyes of another person.

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And it's one of the most important
tools we have to expand our range.

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When I take your perspective,

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and I think about what you really want,

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you're more likely to give me
what I really want.

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But here's the problem.

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Perspective-taking is hard to do.

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So let's do a little experiment.

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I want you all to hold
your hand just like this:

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your finger --

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put it up.

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And I want you to draw a capital
letter E on your forehead

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as quickly as possible.

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OK, it turns out that we can
draw this E in one of two ways;

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and this was originally designed
as a test of perspective-taking.

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I'm going to show you two pictures
of someone with an E on their forehead:

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my former student Erica Hall.

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And you can see over here,

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that's the correct E.

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I drew the E so it looks like and E
to another person.

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That's the perspective-taking E

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because it looks like an E
from someone else's vantage point.

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But this is over here
is the self-focused E.

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And we often get self-focused.

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And we particularly get
self-focused in a crisis.

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I want to tell you about
a particular crisis.

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A man walks into a bank
in Watsonville, California.

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And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm
blowing the whole bank up with a bomb."

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Now the bank manager
didn't give him the money.

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She took a step back.

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She took his perspective,

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and she noticed something
really important.

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He asked for a specific amount of money.

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So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"

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And he said,

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"My friend's going to be evicted
unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

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And said, "Oh! You don't
want to rob the bank,

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you want to take out a loan."

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(Laughter)

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"Why don't you come back to my office,

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and we can have you
fill out the paperwork."

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(Laughter)

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Now, he quick perspective-taking
diffused a volatile situation.

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So when we take someone's perspective,

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it allows us to be
ambitious and assertive,

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but still be likeable.

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Here's another way to be assertive
but still be likeable.

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And that is to signal flexibility.

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Now imagine you're a car salesperson
and you want to sell someone a car.

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You're going to more likely make the sale
if you give them two options.

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Let's say option A:

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$24,000 for this car
and a five-year warranty.

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Or option B:

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$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

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My research shows that when you give
people choice among options,

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it lowers their defenses,

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and they're more likely
to accept your offer.

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And this doesn't just
work with sales people;

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it works with parents.

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When my neice was four,

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she resisted getting dressed
and rejected everything.

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But then my sister-in-law
had a brilliant idea.

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What if I gave my daughter a choice?

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This shirt or that shirt?

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OK, that shirt.

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This pant or that pant?

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OK, that pant.

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And it worked brilliantly.

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She got dressed quickly
and without resistance.

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When I've asked the question
around the world,

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when people feel comfortable speaking up,

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the number one answer is:

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when I have social support in my audience.

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When I have allies.

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So we want to get allies on our side.

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How do we do that?

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Well, one of the ways
is being a mama bear.

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When we advocate for others,

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we expand our range in our own eyes
and the eyes of others,

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but we also earn strong allies.

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Another way that we
can earn strong allies,

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especially in high places,

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is by asking other people for advice.

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When we ask other for advice,

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they like us because we flatter them,

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and we're expressing humility.

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And this really works to solve
another double bind.

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And that's the self-promotion double bind.

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The self-promotion double bind

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is that if we don't advertise
our accomplishments,

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no one notices.

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And if we do,

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we're not likeable.

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But if we ask for advice about
one of our accomplishments,

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we are able to be competent
in their eyes but also be likeable.

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And this is so powerful,

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it even works when you see it coming.

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There have been multiple times in life
when I have been forewarned

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that a low-power person has been given
the advice to come ask me for advice.

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And I want to notice
three things about this.

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First, I knew they were going
to come ask me for advice.

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Two, I've actually done research
on the strategic benefits

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of asking for advice.

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And three,

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it still worked.

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I took their perspective,

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I became more invested in their calls,

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I became more committed to them
because they asked for advice.

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Now another time we feel more
confident speaking up

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is when we have expertise.

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Expertise gives up credibility.

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Now when we have high power,

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we already have credibility.

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We only need good evidence.

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When we lack power,

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we don't have the credibility,

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we need excellent evidence.

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And one of the ways that we can
come across as an expert

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is by tapping into our passion.

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I want everyone in the next few days
to go up to friend of theirs,

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and just say to them,

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"I want you to describe
a passion of yours to me."

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I've had people do this all over the world

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and I asked them,

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"What did you notice about the other
person when the described their passion?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And the answers are always the same.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Their eyes lit up and got big!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They smiled a big beaming smile.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They used their hand all over --

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I had to duck because their
hands were coming at me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They talk quickly
with a little higher pitch.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And they leaned in as if
telling me a secret."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And then I said to them,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"What happened to you
as you listened to their passion?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And they said,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"My eyes lit up!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I smiled,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I leaned in."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When we tap into our passion,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
we give ourselves the courage,


99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and our own [audience],

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to speak up,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but we also get the permission
from others to speak up.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And tapping into our passion even works
when we come across as too weak.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Both men and women get punished
at work when they shed tears.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But [Lizzie Wolf] has shown

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that when we frame our strong
emotions as passion,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the condemnation of our crying
disappears for both men and women.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I want to end with a few words
from my late father

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that he spoke at my twin
brother's wedding.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And here's a picture of us.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
My dad was a psychologist like me,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but his real love and his real
passion was cinema,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
like my brother.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And so he wrote a speech
for my brother's wedding

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
about the roles we play
in the human comedy.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And he said,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"The lighter you touch,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the better you become at proving
and enriching your performance.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Those who embrace their roles,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and work to improve their performance,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
grow, change and expand the self.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Play it well,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and your days will be mostly joyful."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And what my dad was saying

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is that we've all been assigned
ranges and roles in this world,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but he was also saying
the essence of this talk.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Those roles and ranges are constantly
expanding and evolving.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So when a scene calls for it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
be a ferocious mama bear

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and a humble advice seeker.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Have excellent evidence and strong allies.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Be a passionate perspective-taker.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And if you use those tools --

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and each and every one of you
can use these tools --

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you will expand your range
of acceptable behavior,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and your days will mostly be joyful.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Thank you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Applause)