WEBVTT

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Speaking up is hard to do.

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I understood the true meaning
of this phrase exactly one month ago,

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when my wife and I became new parents.

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It was an amazing moment.

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It was exhilarating and elating,

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but it was also scary and terrifying.

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And it got particularly terrifying
when we got home from the hospital,

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and we were unsure

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whether our little baby boy was getting
enough nutrients from breastfeeding.

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And we wanted to call our pediatrician,

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but we also didn't want
to make a bad first impression

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or come across as a crazy,
neurotic parent.

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So we worried.

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And we waited.

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When we got to the doctor's office
the next day,

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she immediately gave him formula
because he was pretty dehydrated.

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Our son is fine now,

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and our doctor has reassured us
we can always contact her.

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But in that moment,

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I should've spoken up, but I didn't.

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But sometimes we speak up
when we shouldn't,

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and I learned that over 10 years ago
when I let my twin brother down.

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My twin brother
is a documentary filmmaker,

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and for one of his first films,

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he got an offer
from a distribution company.

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He was excited,

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and he was inclined to accept the offer.

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But as a negotiations researcher,

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I insisted he make a counteroffer,

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and I helped him craft the perfect one.

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And it was perfect --

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it was perfectly insulting.

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The company was so offended,

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they literally withdrew the offer

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and my brother was left with nothing.

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And I've asked people all over the world
about this dilemma of speaking up:

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when they can assert themselves,

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when they can push their interests,

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when they can express an opinion,

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when they can make an ambitious ask.

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And the range of stories
are varied and diverse,

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but they also make up
a universal tapestry.

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Can I correct my boss
when they make a mistake?

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Can I confront my coworker
who keeps stepping on my toes?

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Can I challenge my friend's
insensitive joke?

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Can I tell the person I love the most
my deepest insecurities?

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And through these experiences,
I've come to recognize

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that each of us have something called
a range of acceptable behavior.

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Now, sometimes we're too strong;
we push ourselves too much.

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That's what happened with my brother.

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Even making an offer was outside
his range of acceptable behavior.

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But sometimes we're too weak.

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That's what happened with my wife and I.

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And this range of acceptable behaviors --

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when we stay within our range,
we're rewarded.

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When we step outside that range,
we get punished in a variety of ways.

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We get dismissed or demeaned
or even ostracized.

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Or we lose that raise
or that promotion or that deal.

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Now, the first thing we need to know is:

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What is my range?

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But the key thing is,
our range isn't fixed;

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it's actually pretty dynamic.

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It expands and it narrows
based on the context.

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And there's one thing that determines
that range more than anything else,

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and that's your power.

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Your power determines your range.

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What is power?

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Power comes in lots of forms.

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In negotiations, it comes
in the form of alternatives.

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So my brother had no alternatives;

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he lacked power.

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The company had lots of alternatives;

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they had power.

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Sometimes it's being new
to a country, like an immigrant,

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or new to an organization

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or new to an experience,

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like my wife and I as new parents.

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Sometimes it's at work,

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where someone's the boss
and someone's the subordinate.

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Sometimes it's in relationships,

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where one person's more invested
than the other person.

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And the key thing is that when
we have lots of power,

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our range is very wide.

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We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

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But when we lack power, our range narrows.

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We have very little leeway.

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The problem is that when
our range narrows,

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that produces something called
the low-power double bind.

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The low-power double bind happens

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when, if we don't speak up,
we go unnoticed,

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but if we do speak up, we get punished.

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Now, many of you have heard
the phrase the "double bind"

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and connected it with one thing,
and that's gender.

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The gender double bind is women
who don't speak up go unnoticed,

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and women who do speak up get punished.

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And the key thing is that women have
the same need as men to speak up,

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but they have barriers to doing so.

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But what my research has shown
over the last two decades

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is that what looks
like a gender difference

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is not really a gender double bind,

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it's a really a low-power double bind.

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And what looks like a gender difference

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are really often just power
differences in disguise.

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Oftentimes we see a difference
between a man and a woman

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or men and women,

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and think, "Biological cause.
There's something fundamentally different

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about the sexes."

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But in study after study,

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I've found that a better explanation
for many sex differences

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is really power.

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And so it's the low-power double bind.

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And the low-power double bind
means that we have a narrow range,

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and we lack power.

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We have a narrow range,

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and our double bind is very large.

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So we need to find ways
to expand our range.

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And over the last couple decades,

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my colleagues and I have found
two things really matter.

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The first: you seem powerful
in your own eyes.

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The second: you seem powerful
in the eyes of others.

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When I feel powerful,

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I feel confident, not fearful;

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I expand my own range.

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When other people see me as powerful,

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they grant me a wider range.

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So we need tools to expand
our range of acceptable behavior.

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And I'm going to give you
a set of tools today.

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Speaking up is risky,

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but these tools will lower
your risk of speaking up.

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The first tool I'm going to give you
got discovered in negotiations

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in an important finding.

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On average, women make
less ambitious offers

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and get worse outcomes than men
at the bargaining table.

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But Hannah Riley Bowles
and Emily Amanatullah have discovered

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there's one situation
where women get the same outcomes as men

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and are just as ambitious.

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That's when they advocate for others.

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When they advocate for others,

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they discover their own range
and expand it in their own mind.

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They become more assertive.

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This is sometimes called
"the mama bear effect."

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Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

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when we advocate for others,
we can discover our own voice.

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But sometimes, we have
to advocate for ourselves.

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How do we do that?

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One of the most important tools
we have to advocate for ourselves

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is something called perspective-taking.

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And perspective-taking is really simple:

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it's simply looking at the world
through the eyes of another person.

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It's one of the most important tools
we have to expand our range.

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When I take your perspective,

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and I think about what you really want,

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you're more likely to give me
what I really want.

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But here's the problem:

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perspective-taking is hard to do.

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So let's do a little experiment.

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I want you all to hold
your hand just like this:

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your finger -- put it up.

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And I want you to draw
a capital letter E on your forehead

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as quickly as possible.

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OK, it turns out that we can
draw this E in one of two ways,

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and this was originally designed
as a test of perspective-taking.

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I'm going to show you two pictures

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of someone with an E on their forehead --

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my former student, Erika Hall.

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And you can see over here,

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that's the correct E.

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I drew the E so it looks like
an E to another person.

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That's the perspective-taking E

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because it looks like an E
from someone else's vantage point.

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But this E over here
is the self-focused E.

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We often get self-focused.

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And we particularly get
self-focused in a crisis.

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I want to tell you
about a particular crisis.

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A man walks into a bank
in Watsonville, California.

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And he says, "Give me $2,000,

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or I'm blowing the whole bank
up with a bomb."

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Now, the bank manager
didn't give him the money.

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She took a step back.

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She took his perspective,

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and she noticed something
really important.

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He asked for a specific amount of money.

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So she said,

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"Why did you ask for $2,000?"

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And he said, "My friend
is going to be evicted

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unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

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And she said, "Oh! You don't want
to rob the bank --

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you want to take out a loan."

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(Laughter)

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"Why don't you come back to my office,

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and we can have you
fill out the paperwork."

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(Laughter)

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Now, her quick perspective-taking
defused a volatile situation.

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So when we take someone's perspective,

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it allows us to be ambitious
and assertive, but still be likable.

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Here's another way to be assertive
but still be likable,

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and that is to signal flexibility.

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Now, imagine you're a car salesperson,
and you want to sell someone a car.

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You're going to more likely make the sale
if you give them two options.

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Let's say option A:

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$24,000 for this car
and a five-year warranty.

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Or option B:

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$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

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My research shows that when you give
people a choice among options,

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it lowers their defenses,

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and they're more likely
to accept your offer.

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And this doesn't just
work with salespeople;

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it works with parents.

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When my niece was four,

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she resisted getting dressed
and rejected everything.

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But then my sister-in-law
had a brilliant idea.

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What if I gave my daughter a choice?

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This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.

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This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.

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And it worked brilliantly.

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She got dressed quickly
and without resistance.

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When I've asked the question
around the world

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when people feel comfortable speaking up,

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the number one answer is:

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"When I have social support
in my audience; when I have allies."

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So we want to get allies on our side.

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How do we do that?

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Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.

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When we advocate for others,

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we expand our range in our own eyes
and the eyes of others,

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but we also earn strong allies.

NOTE Paragraph

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Another way we can earn strong allies,
especially in high places,

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is by asking other people for advice.

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When we ask others for advice,
they like us because we flatter them,

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and we're expressing humility.

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And this really works to solve
another double bind.

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And that's the self-promotion double bind.

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The self-promotion double bind

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is that if we don't advertise
our accomplishments,

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no one notices.

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And if we do, we're not likable.

NOTE Paragraph

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But if we ask for advice
about one of our accomplishments,

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we are able to be competent
in their eyes but also be likeable.

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And this is so powerful

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it even works when you see it coming.

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There have been multiple times in life
when I have been forewarned

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that a low-power person has been given
the advice to come ask me for advice.

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I want you to notice
three things about this:

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First, I knew they were going
to come ask me for advice.

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Two, I've actually done research
on the strategic benefits

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of asking for advice.

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And three, it still worked!

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I took their perspective,

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I became more invested in their cause,

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I became more committed to them
because they asked for advice.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, another time we feel
more confident speaking up

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is when we have expertise.

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Expertise gives us credibility.

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When we have high power,
we already have credibility.

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We only need good evidence.

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When we lack power,
we don't have the credibility.

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We need excellent evidence.

NOTE Paragraph

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And one of the ways
we can come across as an expert

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is by tapping into our passion.

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I want everyone in the next few days
to go up to friend of theirs

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and just say to them,

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"I want you to describe
a passion of yours to me."

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I've had people do this all over the world

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and I asked them,

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"What did you notice
about the other person

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when they described their passion?"

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And the answers are always the same.

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"Their eyes lit up and got big."

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"They smiled a big beaming smile."

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"They used their hands all over --

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I had to duck because their
hands were coming at me."

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"They talk quickly
with a little higher pitch."

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(Laughter)

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"They leaned in
as if telling me a secret."

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And then I said to them,

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"What happened to you
as you listened to their passion?"

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They said, "My eyes lit up.

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I smiled.

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I leaned in."

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When we tap into our passion,

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we give ourselves the courage,
in our own eyes, to speak up,

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but we also get the permission
from others to speak up.

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Tapping into our passion even works
when we come across as too weak.

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Both men and women get punished
at work when they shed tears.

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But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when
we frame our strong emotions as passion,

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the condemnation of our crying
disappears for both men and women.

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I want to end with a few words
from my late father

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that he spoke at my twin
brother's wedding.

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Here's a picture of us.

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My dad was a psychologist like me,

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but his real love and his real
passion was cinema,

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like my brother.

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And so he wrote a speech
for my brother's wedding

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about the roles we play
in the human comedy.

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And he said, "The lighter your touch,

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the better you become at improving
and enriching your performance.

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Those who embrace their roles
and work to improve their performance

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grow, change and expand the self.

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Play it well,

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and your days will be mostly joyful."

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What my dad was saying

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is that we've all been assigned
ranges and roles in this world.

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But he was also saying
the essence of this talk:

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those roles and ranges are constantly
expanding and evolving.

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So when a scene calls for it,

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be a ferocious mama bear

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and a humble advice seeker.

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Have excellent evidence and strong allies.

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Be a passionate perspective taker.

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And if you use those tools --

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and each and every one of you
can use these tools --

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you will expand your range
of acceptable behavior,

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and your days will be mostly joyful.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)