[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.44,0:00:03.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speaking up is hard to do. Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.59,0:00:09.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understood the true meaning\Nof this phrase exactly one month ago, Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.53,0:00:12.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when my wife and I became new parents. Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.11,0:00:14.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was an amazing moment. Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.82,0:00:17.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was exhilarating and elating, Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.02,0:00:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was also scary and terrifying. Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.37,0:00:24.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it got particularly terrifying\Nwhen we got home from the hospital, Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.60,0:00:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we were unsure Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.08,0:00:30.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether our little baby boy was getting\Nenough nutrients from breastfeeding. Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.62,0:00:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we wanted to call our pediatrician, Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.97,0:00:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also didn't want\Nto make a bad first impression Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.57,0:00:39.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or come across as a crazy,\Nneurotic parent. Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.05,0:00:40.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we worried. Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.72,0:00:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we waited. Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.13,0:00:44.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we got to the doctor's office\Nthe next day, Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.45,0:00:48.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she immediately gave him formula\Nbecause he was pretty dehydrated. Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.31,0:00:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our son is fine now, Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.77,0:00:53.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our doctor has reassured us\Nwe can always contact her. Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.11,0:00:55.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in that moment, Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.66,0:00:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I should've spoken up, but I didn't. Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.94,0:01:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes we speak up\Nwhen we shouldn't, Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.26,0:01:06.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I learned that over 10 years ago\Nwhen I let my twin brother down. Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.58,0:01:09.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My twin brother\Nis a documentary filmmaker, Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.24,0:01:10.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and for one of his first films, Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.80,0:01:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he got an offer\Nfrom a distribution company. Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.44,0:01:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was excited, Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.80,0:01:17.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was inclined to accept the offer. Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.49,0:01:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as a negotiations researcher, Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.61,0:01:22.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I insisted he make a counteroffer, Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.58,0:01:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I helped him craft the perfect one. Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.84,0:01:27.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was perfect -- Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.54,0:01:29.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was perfectly insulting. Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.42,0:01:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The company was so offended, Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.16,0:01:34.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they literally withdrew the offer Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.23,0:01:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my brother was left with nothing. Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.47,0:01:40.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've asked people all over the world\Nabout this dilemma of speaking up: Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.36,0:01:42.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can assert themselves, Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.22,0:01:43.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can push their interests, Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.95,0:01:46.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can express an opinion, Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.17,0:01:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they can make an ambitious ask. Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.89,0:01:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the range of stories\Nare varied and diverse, Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.14,0:01:55.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also make up\Na universal tapestry. Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.84,0:01:58.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I correct my boss\Nwhen they make a mistake? Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.54,0:02:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I confront my coworker\Nwho keeps stepping on my toes? Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.100,0:02:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I challenge my friend's\Ninsensitive joke? Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.39,0:02:10.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I tell the person I love the most\Nmy deepest insecurities? Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.96,0:02:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And through these experiences,\NI've come to recognize Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.70,0:02:17.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that each of us have something called\Na range of acceptable behavior. Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.58,0:02:22.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, sometimes we're too strong;\Nwe push ourselves too much. Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.86,0:02:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what happened with my brother. Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.64,0:02:29.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even making an offer was outside\Nhis range of acceptable behavior. Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.66,0:02:31.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes we're too weak. Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.21,0:02:33.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what happened with my wife and I. Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.30,0:02:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this range of acceptable behaviors -- Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.54,0:02:38.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we stay within our range,\Nwe're rewarded. Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.66,0:02:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we step outside that range,\Nwe get punished in a variety of ways. Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.85,0:02:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We get dismissed or demeaned\Nor even ostracized. Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.01,0:02:49.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or we lose that raise\Nor that promotion or that deal. Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.93,0:02:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the first thing we need to know is: Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.72,0:02:54.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is my range? Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.74,0:02:58.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the key thing is,\Nour range isn't fixed; Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.26,0:03:00.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's actually pretty dynamic. Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.70,0:03:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It expands and it narrows\Nbased on the context. Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.34,0:03:09.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's one thing that determines\Nthat range more than anything else, Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.04,0:03:11.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's your power. Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.36,0:03:13.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your power determines your range. Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.54,0:03:14.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is power? Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.100,0:03:16.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Power comes in lots of forms. Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.79,0:03:19.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In negotiations, it comes\Nin the form of alternatives. Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.90,0:03:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my brother had no alternatives; Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.92,0:03:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he lacked power. Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.14,0:03:24.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The company had lots of alternatives; Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.98,0:03:26.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had power. Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.17,0:03:29.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's being new\Nto a country, like an immigrant, Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.25,0:03:30.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or new to an organization Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.74,0:03:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or new to an experience, Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.32,0:03:34.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like my wife and I as new parents. Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.45,0:03:35.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's at work, Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.97,0:03:38.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where someone's the boss\Nand someone's the subordinate. Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.61,0:03:40.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's in relationships, Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.32,0:03:43.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where one person's more invested\Nthan the other person. Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.32,0:03:46.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the key thing is that when\Nwe have lots of power, Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.86,0:03:48.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our range is very wide. Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.71,0:03:51.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.81,0:03:54.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when we lack power, our range narrows. Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.54,0:03:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have very little leeway. Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.95,0:03:59.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is that when\Nour range narrows, Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.75,0:04:03.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that produces something called\Nthe low-power double bind. Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.31,0:04:06.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The low-power double bind happens Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.01,0:04:09.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when, if we don't speak up,\Nwe go unnoticed, Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.58,0:04:12.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but if we do speak up, we get punished. Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.36,0:04:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, many of you have heard\Nthe phrase the "double bind" Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.09,0:04:19.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and connected it with one thing,\Nand that's gender. Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.06,0:04:23.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The gender double bind is women\Nwho don't speak up go unnoticed, Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.30,0:04:25.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and women who do speak up get punished. Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.13,0:04:31.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the key thing is that women have\Nthe same need as men to speak up, Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.14,0:04:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they have barriers to doing so. Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.00,0:04:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what my research has shown\Nover the last two decades Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.31,0:04:40.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that what looks\Nlike a gender difference Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.04,0:04:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not really a gender double bind, Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.46,0:04:45.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a really a low-power double bind. Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.84,0:04:47.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what looks like a gender difference Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.74,0:04:50.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are really often just power\Ndifferences in disguise. Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.39,0:04:54.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oftentimes we see a difference\Nbetween a man and a woman Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.14,0:04:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or men and women, Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.36,0:04:58.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and think, "Biological cause.\NThere's something fundamentally different Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.100,0:05:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the sexes." Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.26,0:05:02.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in study after study, Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.14,0:05:06.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've found that a better explanation\Nfor many sex differences Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.89,0:05:08.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really power. Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.43,0:05:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so it's the low-power double bind. Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.98,0:05:16.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the low-power double bind\Nmeans that we have a narrow range, Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.82,0:05:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we lack power. Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.67,0:05:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a narrow range, Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.92,0:05:21.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our double bind is very large. Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.34,0:05:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we need to find ways\Nto expand our range. Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.72,0:05:26.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over the last couple decades, Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.32,0:05:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my colleagues and I have found\Ntwo things really matter. Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.89,0:05:33.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first: you seem powerful\Nin your own eyes. Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.28,0:05:37.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second: you seem powerful\Nin the eyes of others. Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.63,0:05:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I feel powerful, Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.12,0:05:41.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel confident, not fearful; Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.02,0:05:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expand my own range. Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.88,0:05:46.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When other people see me as powerful, Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.61,0:05:49.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they grant me a wider range. Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.17,0:05:53.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we need tools to expand\Nour range of acceptable behavior. Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.95,0:05:56.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm going to give you\Na set of tools today. Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.37,0:05:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Speaking up is risky, Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.50,0:06:02.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but these tools will lower\Nyour risk of speaking up. Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.07,0:06:08.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first tool I'm going to give you\Ngot discovered in negotiations Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.92,0:06:10.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an important finding. Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.33,0:06:14.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On average, women make\Nless ambitions offers Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.25,0:06:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and get worse outcomes than men\Nat the bargaining table. Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.20,0:06:21.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Hannah Riley Bowles\Nand Emily Amanatullah have discovered Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.34,0:06:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's one situation\Nwhere women get the same outcomes as men Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.04,0:06:26.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and are just as ambitious. Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.20,0:06:30.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's when they advocate for others. Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.25,0:06:33.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When they advocate for others, Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.41,0:06:38.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they discover their own range\Nand expand it in their own mind. Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.31,0:06:39.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They become more assertive. Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.75,0:06:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is sometimes called\N"the mama bear effect." Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.48,0:06:45.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like a mama bear defending her cubs, Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.77,0:06:49.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we advocate for others,\Nwe can discover our own voice. Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.33,0:06:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes, we have\Nto advocate for ourselves. Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.47,0:06:54.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do we do that? Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.83,0:06:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the most important tools\Nwe have to advocate for ourselves Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.86,0:07:01.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is something called perspective-taking. Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.26,0:07:04.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And perspective-taking is really simple: Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.03,0:07:08.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's simply looking at the world\Nthrough the eyes of another person. Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.01,0:07:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's one of the most important tools\Nwe have to expand our range. Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.83,0:07:14.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I take your perspective, Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.56,0:07:16.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think about what you really want, Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.02,0:07:20.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're more likely to give me\Nwhat I really want. Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.46,0:07:22.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's the problem: Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.98,0:07:25.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,perspective-taking is hard to do. Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.29,0:07:26.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's do a little experiment. Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.84,0:07:29.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you all to hold\Nyour hand just like this: Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.88,0:07:31.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your finger -- put it up. Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.77,0:07:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want you to draw\Na capital letter E on your forehead Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.03,0:07:37.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as quickly as possible. Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.07,0:07:43.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, it turns out that we can\Ndraw this E in one of two ways, Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.41,0:07:46.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this was originally designed\Nas a test of perspective-taking. Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.92,0:07:48.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to show you two pictures Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.86,0:07:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of someone with an E on their forehead -- Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.88,0:07:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my former student, Erika Hall. Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.29,0:07:55.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you can see over here, Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.29,0:07:56.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the correct E. Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.58,0:08:00.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I drew the E so it looks like\Nan E to another person. Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.05,0:08:02.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the perspective-taking E Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.18,0:08:05.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it looks like an E\Nfrom someone else's vantage point. Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.26,0:08:08.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this E over here\Nis the self-focused E. Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.86,0:08:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We often get self-focused. Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.53,0:08:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we particularly get\Nself-focused in a crisis. Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.06,0:08:16.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to tell you\Nabout a particular crisis. Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.26,0:08:19.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A man walks into a bank\Nin Watsonville, California. Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.28,0:08:22.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he says, "Give me $2,000, Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.75,0:08:25.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or I'm blowing the whole bank\Nup with a bomb." Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.50,0:08:28.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the bank manager\Ndidn't give him the money. Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.05,0:08:29.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She took a step back. Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.87,0:08:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She took his perspective, Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.35,0:08:33.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she noticed something\Nreally important. Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.74,0:08:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He asked for a specific amount of money. Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.47,0:08:37.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So she said, Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.67,0:08:40.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why did you ask for $2,000?" Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.26,0:08:43.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said, "My friend\Nis going to be evicted Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.66,0:08:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unless I get him $2,000 immediately." Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.94,0:08:48.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "Oh! You don't want\Nto rob the bank -- Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.02,0:08:50.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you want to take out a loan." Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.53,0:08:51.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.64,0:08:53.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why don't you come back to my office, Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.54,0:08:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we can have you\Nfill out the paperwork." Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.74,0:08:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.21,0:09:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, her quick perspective-taking\Ndefused a volatile situation. Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.28,0:09:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we take someone's perspective, Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.12,0:09:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it allows us to be ambitious\Nand assertive, but still be likable. Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.18,0:09:12.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's another way to be assertive\Nbut still be likable, Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.47,0:09:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that is to signal flexibility. Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.41,0:09:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, imagine you're a car salesperson,\Nand you want to sell someone a car. Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.79,0:09:23.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're going to more likely make the sale\Nif you give them two options. Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.14,0:09:25.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's say option A: Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.59,0:09:28.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,$24,000 for this car\Nand a five-year warranty. Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.08,0:09:30.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or option B: Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.70,0:09:33.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,$23,000 and a three-year warranty. Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.84,0:09:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My research shows that when you give\Npeople a choice among options, Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.45,0:09:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it lowers their defenses, Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.36,0:09:41.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're more likely\Nto accept your offer. Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.20,0:09:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this doesn't just\Nwork with salespeople; Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.34,0:09:45.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it works with parents. Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.56,0:09:46.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my niece was four, Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.86,0:09:49.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she resisted getting dressed\Nand rejected everything. Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.16,0:09:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then my sister-in-law\Nhad a brilliant idea. Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.08,0:09:55.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if I gave my daughter a choice? Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.65,0:09:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.70,0:09:59.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.84,0:10:01.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it worked brilliantly. Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.21,0:10:04.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She got dressed quickly\Nand without resistance. Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.50,0:10:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I've asked the question\Naround the world Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.81,0:10:09.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when people feel comfortable speaking up, Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.88,0:10:11.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the number one answer is: Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.24,0:10:15.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"When I have social support\Nin my audience; when I have allies." Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.02,0:10:19.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we want to get allies on our side. Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.96,0:10:21.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do we do that? Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.84,0:10:24.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.03,0:10:25.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we advocate for others, Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.53,0:10:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we expand our range in our own eyes\Nand the eyes of others, Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.09,0:10:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also earn strong allies. Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.81,0:10:36.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another way we can earn strong allies,\Nespecially in high places, Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.54,0:10:39.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is by asking other people for advice. Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.41,0:10:45.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we ask others for advice,\Nthey like us because we flatter them, Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.32,0:10:46.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're expressing humility. Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.28,0:10:50.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this really works to solve\Nanother double bind. Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.83,0:10:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's the self-promotion double bind. Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.50,0:10:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The self-promotion double bind Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.03,0:10:58.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that if we don't advertise\Nour accomplishments, Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.20,0:10:59.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no one notices. Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.44,0:11:01.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we do, we're not likable. Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.87,0:11:05.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if we ask for advice\Nabout one of our accomplishments, Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.46,0:11:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are able to be competent\Nin their eyes but also be likeable. Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.50,0:11:12.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is so powerful Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.53,0:11:15.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it even works when you see it coming. Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.47,0:11:19.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There have been multiple times in life\Nwhen I have been forewarned Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.53,0:11:23.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that a low-power person has been given\Nthe advice to come ask me for advice. Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.29,0:11:26.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to notice\Nthree things about this: Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.56,0:11:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, I knew they were going\Nto come ask me for advice. Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.93,0:11:33.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two, I've actually done research\Non the strategic benefits Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.96,0:11:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of asking for advice. Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.88,0:11:38.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And three, it still worked! Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.66,0:11:39.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took their perspective, Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.90,0:11:42.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became more invested in their calls, Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.11,0:11:45.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became more committed to them\Nbecause they asked for advice. Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.34,0:11:49.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, another time we feel\Nmore confident speaking up Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.95,0:11:51.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is when we have expertise. Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.14,0:11:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Expertise gives us credibility. Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.86,0:11:57.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we have high power,\Nwe already have credibility. Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.81,0:11:59.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We only need good evidence. Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.78,0:12:02.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we lack power,\Nwe don't have the credibility. Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.77,0:12:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need excellent evidence. Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.39,0:12:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the ways\Nwe can come across as an expert Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.16,0:12:11.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is by tapping into our passion. Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.78,0:12:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want everyone in the next few days\Nto go up to friend of theirs Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.98,0:12:17.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just say to them, Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.25,0:12:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I want you to describe\Na passion of yours to me." Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.74,0:12:23.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had people do this all over the world Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.25,0:12:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I asked them, Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.53,0:12:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What did you notice\Nabout the other person Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.72,0:12:28.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they described their passion?" Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.80,0:12:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the answers are always the same. Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.72,0:12:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Their eyes lit up and got big." Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.75,0:12:35.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They smiled a big beaming smile." Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.73,0:12:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They used their hands all over -- Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.40,0:12:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to duck because their\Nhands were coming at me." Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.91,0:12:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They talk quickly\Nwith a little higher pitch." Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.14,0:12:43.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.13,0:12:45.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They leaned in\Nas if telling me a secret." Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.60,0:12:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I said to them, Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.95,0:12:50.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What happened to you\Nas you listened to their passion?" Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.37,0:12:52.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They said, "My eyes lit up. Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.68,0:12:53.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I smiled. Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.97,0:12:55.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I leaned in." Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.37,0:12:57.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we tap into our passion, Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.46,0:13:00.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we give ourselves the courage,\Nin our own eyes, to speak up, Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.85,0:13:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also get the permission\Nfrom others to speak up. Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.53,0:13:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tapping into our passion even works\Nwhen we come across as too weak. Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.53,0:13:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Both men and women get punished\Nat work when they shed tears. Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.34,0:13:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when\Nwe frame our strong emotions as passion, Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.79,0:13:27.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the condemnation of our crying\Ndisappears for both men and women. Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.60,0:13:32.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to end with a few words\Nfrom my late father Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.09,0:13:34.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he spoke at my twin\Nbrother's wedding. Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.68,0:13:36.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a picture of us. Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.66,0:13:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My dad was a psychologist like me, Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.94,0:13:43.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but his real love and his real\Npassion was cinema, Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.69,0:13:44.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like my brother. Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.92,0:13:47.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so he wrote a speech\Nfor my brother's wedding Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.50,0:13:50.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the roles we play\Nin the human comedy. Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.68,0:13:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said, "The lighter your touch, Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.99,0:13:56.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the better you become at improving\Nand enriching your performance. Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.17,0:14:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who embrace their roles\Nand work to improve their performance Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.00,0:14:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,grow, change and expand the self. Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.07,0:14:06.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Play it well, Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.40,0:14:08.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your days will be mostly joyful." Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.95,0:14:10.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What my dad was saying Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.60,0:14:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we've all been assigned\Nranges and roles in this world. Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.05,0:14:18.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he was also saying\Nthe essence of this talk: Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.00,0:14:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those roles and ranges are constantly\Nexpanding and evolving. Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.77,0:14:26.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when a scene calls for it, Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.11,0:14:28.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be a ferocious mama bear Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.25,0:14:30.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a humble advice seeker. Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.80,0:14:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.91,0:14:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be a passionate perspective taker. Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.77,0:14:40.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you use those tools -- Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.51,0:14:44.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and each and every one of you\Ncan use these tools -- Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.10,0:14:47.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will expand your range\Nof acceptable behavior, Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.99,0:14:50.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your days will be mostly joyful. Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.08,0:14:53.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.26,0:14:55.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)