0:00:14.951,0:00:19.378 My brother Chuks and my best friend[br]Ike are part of the organizing team, 0:00:19.378,0:00:23.088 so when they ask me to come,[br]I couldn't say no. 0:00:23.626,0:00:24.859 But I'm so happy to be here. 0:00:24.859,0:00:27.418 What a fantastic team of people[br]who care about Africa 0:00:27.418,0:00:29.948 I feel so humble and so happy to be here. 0:00:29.948,0:00:33.647 And I'm also told that the most beautiful, 0:00:33.647,0:00:36.771 most amazing little girl in the world[br]is in the audience 0:00:36.771,0:00:38.399 her name is Kamzia Adichie 0:00:38.399,0:00:41.533 and I want her to stand up...[br]she's my niece! 0:00:41.533,0:00:46.691 (Applause) 0:00:51.123,0:00:57.485 So, I would like to start by telling you[br]one of my greatest friend, Okuloma. 0:00:57.485,0:00:59.217 Okuloma lived on my street 0:00:59.217,0:01:01.596 and looked after me like a big brother. 0:01:01.596,0:01:06.061 If I liked a boy, I would ask[br]Okuloma's opinion. 0:01:06.061,0:01:09.318 Okuloma died in the notorious[br]Sosoliso Plane Crash 0:01:09.318,0:01:12.575 in Nigeria in December of 2005. 0:01:12.575,0:01:15.832 Almost exactly seven years ago. 0:01:16.063,0:01:21.591 Okuloma was a person I could argue with,[br]laugh with, and truly talk to. 0:01:21.591,0:01:25.078 He was also the first person[br]to call me a feminist. 0:01:25.802,0:01:29.161 I was about fourteen,[br]we were at his house, arguing. 0:01:29.161,0:01:33.165 Both of us bristling with[br]half bit knowledge from books we had read. 0:01:33.165,0:01:36.690 I don't remember what this[br]particular argument was about, 0:01:36.690,0:01:39.589 but I remember that[br]as I argued and argued, 0:01:39.589,0:01:43.988 Okuloma looked at me and said,[br]"You know, you're a feminist." 0:01:43.988,0:01:46.394 It was not a compliment. 0:01:46.856,0:01:50.420 I could tell from his tone, the same tone[br]that you would use to say something like 0:01:50.420,0:01:53.165 "You're a supporter of terrorism." 0:01:53.165,0:01:55.415 (Laughter) 0:01:55.415,0:01:59.245 I did not know exactly what this word[br]"feminist" meant, 0:01:59.245,0:02:02.178 and I did not want Okuloma[br]to know that I did not know, 0:02:02.178,0:02:04.920 so I brushed it aside[br]and I continued to argue. 0:02:04.920,0:02:07.623 And the first thing I planned to do[br]when I got home 0:02:07.623,0:02:10.650 was to look up the word[br]"feminist" in the dictionary. 0:02:10.650,0:02:14.956 Now fast forward to some years later,[br]I wrote a novel 0:02:15.002,0:02:17.561 about a man who among other things[br]beats his wife 0:02:17.561,0:02:20.120 and whose story doesn't end very well. 0:02:20.120,0:02:22.681 While I was promoting the novel[br]in Nigeria, 0:02:22.681,0:02:28.590 a journalist, a nice well-meaning man,[br]told me he wanted to advise me. 0:02:29.405,0:02:32.883 And for the Nigerians here,[br]I'm sure we're all familiar with 0:02:32.883,0:02:38.360 how quick our people are to give[br]unsolicited advice. 0:02:39.436,0:02:43.237 He told me that people were saying[br]that my novel was feminist 0:02:43.237,0:02:45.116 and his advice to me -- 0:02:45.116,0:02:47.519 and he was shaking his head sadly[br]as he spoke -- 0:02:47.519,0:02:50.584 was that I should never[br]call myself a feminist because 0:02:50.584,0:02:54.916 feminists are women who are unhappy[br]because they cannot find husbands. 0:02:54.934,0:02:58.568 (Laughter) 0:02:59.679,0:03:02.561 So I decided to call myself[br]"a happy feminist." 0:03:03.299,0:03:05.993 Then an academic, a Nigerian woman[br]told me 0:03:05.993,0:03:08.843 that feminism was not our culture[br]and that feminism wasn't African, 0:03:08.843,0:03:11.139 and that I was calling myself a feminist [br] 0:03:11.139,0:03:14.125 because I had been corrupted[br]by "Western books." 0:03:14.125,0:03:17.257 Which amused me,[br]because a lot of my early readings 0:03:17.257,0:03:19.173 were decidedly unfeminist. 0:03:19.173,0:03:21.767 I think I must have read every single[br]Mills & Boon romance 0:03:21.767,0:03:24.169 published before I was sixteen. 0:03:24.169,0:03:26.384 And each time I tried to read those books 0:03:26.384,0:03:28.599 called "the feminist classics"[br]I'd get bored 0:03:28.599,0:03:30.816 and I really struggled to finish them. 0:03:30.816,0:03:33.057 But anyway, since feminism was un-African, 0:03:33.057,0:03:37.390 I decided that I would now call myself[br]"a happy African feminist." 0:03:37.974,0:03:42.241 At some point I was a happy[br]African feminist who does not hate men 0:03:42.241,0:03:43.895 and who likes lip gloss 0:03:43.895,0:03:47.387 and who wears high-heels[br]for herself but not for men. 0:03:48.065,0:03:50.398 Of course a lot of these[br]was tongue-in-cheek, 0:03:50.398,0:03:54.741 but that were feminists so heavy[br]with baggage, negative baggage. 0:03:55.004,0:03:56.652 You hate men, you hate bras, 0:03:56.652,0:03:59.847 you hate African culture,[br]that sort of thing. 0:04:00.463,0:04:02.834 Now here's a story from my childhood. 0:04:03.081,0:04:04.581 When I was in primary school, 0:04:04.581,0:04:09.016 my teacher said at the beginning of term[br]that she would give the class a test 0:04:09.339,0:04:12.519 and whoever got the highest score[br]would be the class monitor. 0:04:12.519,0:04:15.174 Now, class monitor was a big deal. 0:04:15.174,0:04:17.588 If you were a class monitor, 0:04:17.588,0:04:20.881 you got to write down the names[br]of noise makers, 0:04:21.497,0:04:24.456 which was having enough power of its own. 0:04:24.456,0:04:29.234 But my teacher would also give you[br]a cane to hold in your hand 0:04:29.234,0:04:33.251 while you walk around and[br]patrol the class for noise makers. 0:04:33.251,0:04:36.639 Now of course you're not[br]actually allowed to use the cane. 0:04:36.639,0:04:40.557 But it was an exciting prospect[br]for the nine-year-old me. 0:04:40.557,0:04:43.458 I very much wanted to be[br]the class monitor. 0:04:43.458,0:04:45.675 And I got the highest score on the test. 0:04:45.891,0:04:49.613 Then, to my surprise, my teacher said that[br]the monitor had to be a boy. 0:04:50.243,0:04:54.116 She've forgotten to make that clear earlier[br]because she assumed it was... obvious. 0:04:54.146,0:04:56.669 (Laughter) 0:04:56.669,0:04:59.884 A boy had the second highest[br]score on the test 0:04:59.884,0:05:02.415 and he would be monitor. 0:05:02.661,0:05:05.256 Now what was even more[br]interesting about this 0:05:05.256,0:05:08.437 is that the boy was a sweet, gentle soul 0:05:08.437,0:05:12.017 who had no interest in patrolling[br]the class with the cane, 0:05:12.109,0:05:15.565 while I was full of ambition to do so. 0:05:16.581,0:05:18.900 But I was female, and he was male 0:05:18.900,0:05:21.349 and so he became the class monitor. 0:05:21.441,0:05:24.187 And I've never forgotten that incident. 0:05:24.310,0:05:26.986 I often make the mistake of thinking that 0:05:26.986,0:05:29.662 something that is obvious to me[br]is just as obvious to everyone else. 0:05:29.662,0:05:32.340 Now, take my dear friend Louis[br]for example. 0:05:32.340,0:05:34.407 Louis is a brilliant, progressive man, 0:05:34.407,0:05:36.851 and we would have conversations[br]and he would tell me, 0:05:36.851,0:05:41.198 "I don't know what you mean by things[br]being different or harder for women. 0:05:41.198,0:05:43.618 Maybe in the past, but not now." 0:05:43.645,0:05:48.224 And I didn't understand how Louis[br]could not see what seems so self-evident. 0:05:48.362,0:05:52.301 Then one evening, in Lagos,[br]Louis and I went out with friends. 0:05:52.301,0:05:54.828 And for people here who[br]are not familiar with Lagos, 0:05:54.828,0:05:57.155 there's that wonderful Lagos' fixture, 0:05:57.155,0:06:01.638 the sprinkling of energetic man[br]who hung around outside establishments 0:06:01.638,0:06:05.243 and very dramatically "help" you[br]park your car. 0:06:06.043,0:06:09.337 I was impressed with[br]the particular theatrics 0:06:09.337,0:06:12.631 of the man who found us[br]a parking spot that evening, 0:06:12.631,0:06:15.927 and so as we were leaving,[br]I decided to leave him a tip. 0:06:16.495,0:06:18.173 I opened my bag, 0:06:18.173,0:06:19.859 put my hand inside my bag, 0:06:19.859,0:06:22.677 brought out my money that[br]I had earned from doing my work, 0:06:22.677,0:06:25.439 and I gave it to the man. 0:06:25.977,0:06:27.117 And he, 0:06:27.117,0:06:30.323 this man who was very grateful,[br]and very happy, 0:06:30.323,0:06:32.345 took the money from me, 0:06:32.345,0:06:34.123 looked across at Louis, 0:06:34.123,0:06:36.094 and said "Thank you, sir!" 0:06:36.094,0:06:41.441 (Laughter) 0:06:41.441,0:06:45.100 Louis looked at me, surprised, and asked 0:06:45.100,0:06:48.969 "Why is he thanking me?[br]I didn't give him the money." 0:06:48.969,0:06:52.838 Then I saw realization[br]dawned on Louis' face. 0:06:52.838,0:06:55.945 The man believed that[br]whatever money I had 0:06:55.945,0:06:59.682 had ultimately come from Louis. 0:06:59.928,0:07:02.159 Because Louis is a man. 0:07:02.805,0:07:04.750 The men and women are different. 0:07:04.750,0:07:07.244 We have different hormones,[br]we have different sexual organs, 0:07:07.244,0:07:10.199 we have different biological abilities, 0:07:10.199,0:07:13.015 women can have babies, men can't. 0:07:13.015,0:07:14.772 At least not yet. 0:07:15.727,0:07:20.382 Men have testosterone and are[br]in general physically stronger than women. 0:07:20.644,0:07:24.020 There's slightly more women[br]than men in the world, 0:07:24.020,0:07:26.888 about 52% of the world's population[br]is female. 0:07:26.888,0:07:30.772 But most of the positions of power[br]and prestige are occupied by men. 0:07:30.772,0:07:34.336 The late Kenyan Nobel Peace Laureate, 0:07:34.351,0:07:37.458 Wangari Maathai, put it simply[br]and well when she said: 0:07:37.458,0:07:41.161 "The higher you go,[br]the fewer women there are." 0:07:41.823,0:07:46.269 In the recent US elections we kept hearing[br]of the Lilly Ledbetter law, 0:07:46.269,0:07:49.917 and if we go beyond the nicely[br]alliterative name of that law, 0:07:49.917,0:07:52.736 it was really about a man and a woman[br] 0:07:52.736,0:07:55.555 doing the same job being equally qualified 0:07:55.555,0:07:58.374 and the man being paid more[br]because he's a man. 0:07:58.374,0:08:01.458 So in the literal way, men rule the world, 0:08:01.458,0:08:04.705 and this made sense a thousand years ago 0:08:04.705,0:08:08.168 because human beings lived then in a world 0:08:08.168,0:08:12.348 in which physical strength was[br]the most important attribute for survival. 0:08:12.348,0:08:17.026 The physically stronger person[br]was more likely to lead, 0:08:17.396,0:08:20.533 and men, in general,[br]are physically stronger. 0:08:20.533,0:08:23.366 Of course there are many exceptions. 0:08:23.366,0:08:27.332 But today we live[br]in a vastly different world. 0:08:28.240,0:08:32.150 The person more likely to lead[br]is not the physically stronger person, 0:08:32.150,0:08:35.786 it is the more creative person,[br]the more intelligent person, 0:08:35.786,0:08:37.822 the more innovative person, 0:08:37.822,0:08:40.659 and there are no hormones[br]for those attributes. 0:08:40.659,0:08:43.739 A man is as likely as a woman[br]to be intelligent, 0:08:43.739,0:08:46.789 to be creative, to be innovative. 0:08:46.789,0:08:51.149 We have evolved; but it seems to me[br]that our ideas of gender had not evolved. 0:08:51.149,0:08:56.068 Some weeks ago I walked into a lobby[br]of one of the best Nigerian hotels. 0:08:56.068,0:08:58.924 I thought about naming the hotel,[br]but I thought I probably shouldn't, 0:08:58.924,0:09:02.981 and a guard at the entrance stopped me[br]and ask me annoying questions, 0:09:04.106,0:09:07.228 because their automatic assumption is[br]that a Nigerian female 0:09:07.228,0:09:10.813 walking into a hotel alone is a sex worker. 0:09:10.813,0:09:12.180 And by the way, 0:09:12.180,0:09:14.666 why do these hotels focus on 0:09:14.666,0:09:19.283 the ostensible supply rather than[br]the demand for sex workers? 0:09:19.822,0:09:25.046 In Lagos I cannot go alone into[br]many "reputable" bars and clubs. 0:09:25.046,0:09:27.251 They just don't let you in[br]if you're a woman alone, 0:09:27.251,0:09:29.504 you have to be accompanied by a man. 0:09:29.890,0:09:32.604 Each time I walk into a[br]Nigerian restaurant with a man, 0:09:32.604,0:09:35.638 the waiter greets the man and ignores me. 0:09:36.438,0:09:39.093 The waiters are products... 0:09:39.293,0:09:41.944 at this some women felt like[br]"Yes! I thought that!" 0:09:41.944,0:09:44.563 The waiters are products of a society that 0:09:44.563,0:09:48.272 has taught them that men are[br]more important than women. 0:09:48.272,0:09:51.282 And I know that waiters[br]don't intend any harm. 0:09:51.282,0:09:55.410 But it's one thing to know intellectually[br]and quite another to feel it emotionally. 0:09:55.410,0:09:57.886 Each time they ignore me,[br]I feel invisible. 0:09:57.886,0:09:59.821 I feel upset. 0:10:00.037,0:10:03.120 I want to tell them I'm just as human[br]as the man, 0:10:03.120,0:10:06.358 that I'm just as worthy[br]of acknowledgement. 0:10:06.541,0:10:08.415 These are little things, 0:10:08.415,0:10:11.369 but sometimes it's the little things[br]that sting the most. 0:10:11.369,0:10:14.145 And not long ago I wrote an article 0:10:14.145,0:10:17.094 about what it means to be[br]young and female in Lagos, 0:10:17.094,0:10:20.794 and the printers told me[br]"It was so angry." 0:10:21.086,0:10:23.119 Of course it was angry! 0:10:23.119,0:10:26.194 (Laughter) 0:10:27.069,0:10:28.748 I am angry. 0:10:28.748,0:10:31.870 Gender as it functions today[br]is a grave injustice. 0:10:31.870,0:10:33.459 We should all be angry. 0:10:33.459,0:10:37.190 Anger has a long history of[br]bringing about positive change; 0:10:37.190,0:10:40.416 but, in addition to being angry,[br]I'm also hopeful. 0:10:41.051,0:10:43.846 Because I believe deeply[br]in the ability of human beings 0:10:43.846,0:10:46.661 to make and remake themselves[br]for the better. 0:10:46.661,0:10:48.910 Gender matters everywhere in the world, 0:10:48.910,0:10:53.052 but I want to focus on[br]Nigeria and on Africa in general, 0:10:53.052,0:10:55.010 because it is where I know, 0:10:55.010,0:10:56.849 and because it is where my heart is. 0:10:56.849,0:10:58.712 And I would like today to ask 0:10:58.712,0:11:02.459 that we begin to dream about[br]and plan for 0:11:02.459,0:11:06.261 a different world, a fairer world; 0:11:06.261,0:11:08.948 a world of happier men and happier women [br] 0:11:08.948,0:11:11.113 who are truer to themselves. 0:11:11.113,0:11:12.848 And this is how to start: 0:11:12.848,0:11:14.949 we must raise our daughters differently. 0:11:14.949,0:11:17.833 We must also raise our sons differently. 0:11:18.294,0:11:21.419 We do a great disservice to boys[br]on how we raise them; 0:11:21.419,0:11:24.390 we stifle the humanity of boys. 0:11:24.775,0:11:27.490 We define masculinity in a very narrow way, 0:11:27.490,0:11:30.477 masculinity becomes this hard, small cage 0:11:30.477,0:11:33.230 and we put boys inside the cage. 0:11:33.230,0:11:36.097 We teach boys to be afraid of fear. 0:11:36.097,0:11:40.388 We teach boys to be afraid[br]of weakness, of vulnerability. 0:11:40.526,0:11:42.758 We teach them to mask their true selves, 0:11:42.758,0:11:47.659 because they have to be,[br]in Nigerian speak, "hard man!" 0:11:48.626,0:11:52.631 In secondary school, a boy and a girl,[br]both of them teenagers, 0:11:52.631,0:11:55.222 both of them with the same amount[br]of pocket money, 0:11:55.222,0:11:58.521 would go out and then[br]the boy would be expected always 0:11:58.521,0:12:01.752 to pay, to prove his masculinity. 0:12:02.436,0:12:05.158 And yet we wonder why boys[br]are more likely to steal money 0:12:05.158,0:12:07.399 from their parents. 0:12:07.880,0:12:10.602 What if both boys and girls were raised [br] 0:12:10.602,0:12:14.175 not to link masculinity with money? 0:12:14.175,0:12:17.748 What if the attitude was not[br]"the boy has to pay" 0:12:17.748,0:12:21.041 but rather "whoever has more should pay"? 0:12:21.041,0:12:23.804 Now of course because of that[br]historical advantage, 0:12:23.804,0:12:25.997 it is mostly men who will have more today, 0:12:25.997,0:12:28.192 but if we start raising children[br]differently, 0:12:28.192,0:12:30.561 then in fifty years, in a hundred years, 0:12:30.561,0:12:35.455 boys will no longer have the pressure[br]of having to prove this masculinity. 0:12:35.455,0:12:39.025 But by far the worst thing we do to males, 0:12:39.025,0:12:41.335 by making them feel[br]that they have to be hard, 0:12:41.335,0:12:45.167 is that we leave them[br]with very fragile egos. 0:12:45.275,0:12:49.467 The more "hard-man"[br]the man feels compelled to be, 0:12:49.637,0:12:51.742 the weaker his ego is. 0:12:53.128,0:12:56.096 And then we do a much greater[br]disservice to girls 0:12:56.096,0:12:59.953 because we raise them to cater[br]to the fragile egos of men. 0:13:00.567,0:13:04.068 We teach girls to shrink themselves,[br]to make themselves smaller, 0:13:04.068,0:13:05.867 we say to girls, 0:13:05.867,0:13:09.284 "You can have ambition,[br]but not too much." 0:13:09.284,0:13:12.469 "You should aim to be successful,[br]but not too successful, 0:13:12.469,0:13:15.197 otherwise you would threaten the man." 0:13:15.197,0:13:17.872 If you are the breadwinner[br]in your relationship with a man, 0:13:17.872,0:13:19.900 you have to pretend that you're not, 0:13:19.900,0:13:24.390 especially in public, otherwise[br]you will emasculate him. 0:13:24.974,0:13:27.541 But what if we question[br]the premise itself, 0:13:27.541,0:13:31.560 why should a woman's success[br]be a threat to a man? 0:13:31.560,0:13:35.133 What if we decide to simply dispose[br]of that word, 0:13:35.133,0:13:40.488 and I don't think there's an English word[br]I dislike more than "emasculation." 0:13:40.934,0:13:44.464 A Nigerian acquaintance once asked me[br]if I was worried that 0:13:44.464,0:13:46.847 men would be intimidated by me. 0:13:46.847,0:13:48.688 I was not worried at all. 0:13:48.688,0:13:50.756 In fact it had not occurred to me[br]to be worried because 0:13:50.756,0:13:53.563 a man who would be intimidated by me 0:13:53.563,0:13:57.549 is exactly the kind of man[br]I would have no interest in. 0:13:57.549,0:14:04.535 (Laughter)[br](Applause) 0:14:04.535,0:14:07.741 But still I was really struck by this. 0:14:07.941,0:14:12.542 Because I'm female,[br]I'm expected to aspire to marriage; 0:14:12.542,0:14:15.182 I'm expected to make my life choices[br]always keeping in mind 0:14:15.182,0:14:17.822 that marriage is the most important. 0:14:17.822,0:14:20.464 A marriage can be a good thing; 0:14:20.464,0:14:24.927 it can be a source of joy[br]and love and mutual support. 0:14:24.927,0:14:27.664 But why do we teach girls[br]to aspire to marriage 0:14:27.664,0:14:30.573 and we don't teach boys the same? 0:14:31.080,0:14:33.989 I know a woman who decided[br]to sell her house 0:14:33.989,0:14:37.483 because she didn't want to[br]intimidate a man who might marry her. 0:14:38.222,0:14:42.243 I know an unmarried woman in Nigeria who,[br]when she goes to conferences, 0:14:42.243,0:14:44.232 wears a wedding ring 0:14:44.232,0:14:47.836 because according to her, she wants[br]the other participants in the conference 0:14:47.836,0:14:50.565 to "give her respect." 0:14:50.565,0:14:53.350 I know young women who are[br]under so much pressure 0:14:53.350,0:14:56.505 from family, from friends,[br]even from work to get married 0:14:56.505,0:14:59.477 and they're pushed[br]to make terrible choices. 0:14:59.477,0:15:02.134 A woman at a certain age[br]who is unmarried, 0:15:02.134,0:15:06.946 our society teaches her to see it[br]as a deep, personal failure. 0:15:06.946,0:15:10.366 And a man at a certain age[br]who is unmarried 0:15:10.366,0:15:12.872 we just think he hasn't come around[br]to making his pick. 0:15:12.872,0:15:14.598 (Laughter) 0:15:14.598,0:15:16.716 It's easy for us to say, 0:15:16.716,0:15:18.956 "Oh but women can just say no[br]to all of this", 0:15:18.956,0:15:21.445 But the reality is more difficult[br]and more complex. 0:15:21.445,0:15:23.156 We're all social beings. 0:15:23.156,0:15:25.624 We internalize ideas[br]from our socialization. 0:15:25.624,0:15:28.479 Even the language we use 0:15:28.479,0:15:31.334 in talking about marriage[br]and relationships illustrates this. 0:15:31.334,0:15:34.189 The language of marriage[br]is often the language of ownership 0:15:34.189,0:15:36.690 rather than the language of partnership. 0:15:36.690,0:15:39.737 We use the word "respect" 0:15:39.737,0:15:42.784 to mean something a woman shows a man 0:15:42.784,0:15:45.832 but often not something[br]a man shows a woman. 0:15:46.170,0:15:48.965 Both men and women in Nigeria will say - 0:15:48.965,0:15:51.760 this is an expression I'm very amused by - 0:15:51.760,0:15:54.557 "I did it for peace in my marriage." 0:15:54.557,0:15:56.772 Now when men say it, 0:15:56.772,0:15:59.891 it is usually about something that[br]they should not be doing anyway. 0:15:59.891,0:16:01.730 (Laughter) 0:16:01.730,0:16:04.209 Sometimes they say it to their friends, 0:16:04.209,0:16:07.914 it's something to say to their friends[br]in a kind of fondly exasperated way, 0:16:07.914,0:16:10.813 you know, something that ultimately proves[br]how masculine they are, 0:16:10.813,0:16:12.760 how needed, how loved -- 0:16:12.760,0:16:15.709 "Oh my wife said I can't go to club[br]every night, 0:16:15.709,0:16:18.450 so for peace in my marriage,[br]I do it only on weekends." 0:16:18.450,0:16:20.493 (Laughter) 0:16:20.493,0:16:23.932 Now when a woman says,[br]"I did it for peace in my marriage," 0:16:23.932,0:16:27.327 she's usually talking about having[br]giving up a job, 0:16:27.327,0:16:28.918 a dream, 0:16:28.918,0:16:30.852 a career. 0:16:30.852,0:16:33.882 We teach females that in relationships, 0:16:33.882,0:16:36.912 compromise is what women do. 0:16:36.912,0:16:39.942 We raise girls to see each other[br]as competitors 0:16:39.942,0:16:43.230 not for job or for accomplishments,[br]which I think could be a good thing, 0:16:43.230,0:16:45.440 but for attention of men. 0:16:46.085,0:16:48.907 We teach girls that they cannot be[br]sexual beings 0:16:48.907,0:16:51.236 in the way that boys are. 0:16:51.236,0:16:54.551 If we have sons, we don't mind[br]knowing about our sons' girlfriends. 0:16:54.551,0:16:56.855 But our daughters' boyfriends?[br]God forbid. 0:16:56.875,0:16:58.379 (Laughter) 0:16:58.379,0:17:00.293 But of course when the time is right, 0:17:00.293,0:17:04.064 we expect those girls to bring back[br]the perfect man to be their husbands. 0:17:04.403,0:17:05.873 We police girls, 0:17:05.873,0:17:07.821 we praise girls for virginity, 0:17:07.821,0:17:09.769 but we don't praise boys for virginity, 0:17:09.769,0:17:12.994 and it's always made me wonder[br]how exactly this is supposed to work out 0:17:12.994,0:17:15.504 because...[br](Laughter) 0:17:15.766,0:17:23.213 (Applause) 0:17:24.152,0:17:28.867 I mean, the loss of virginity[br]is usually a process that involves... 0:17:28.867,0:17:30.754 Recently a young woman [br] 0:17:30.754,0:17:32.891 was gang raped in a University in Nigeria, 0:17:32.896,0:17:34.730 I think some of us know about that. 0:17:34.730,0:17:36.666 And the response of many young Nigerians, 0:17:36.666,0:17:38.098 both male and female, 0:17:38.098,0:17:40.476 was something along the lines of this: 0:17:40.476,0:17:42.974 "Yes, rape is wrong. 0:17:42.974,0:17:47.019 But what is a girl doing in a room[br]with four boys?" 0:17:47.019,0:17:52.391 Now if we can forget[br]the horrible inhumanity of that response, 0:17:52.391,0:17:57.413 these Nigerians have been raised[br]to think of women as inherently guilty, 0:17:57.736,0:18:01.233 and have been raised to expect[br]so little of men 0:18:01.233,0:18:04.679 that the idea of men as savage beings[br]without any control 0:18:04.679,0:18:06.495 is somehow acceptable. 0:18:06.495,0:18:09.127 We teach girls shame. 0:18:09.127,0:18:11.603 "Close your legs",[br]"Cover yourself". 0:18:11.700,0:18:13.981 We make them feel as though[br]by being born female 0:18:13.981,0:18:16.262 they're already guilty of something. 0:18:16.262,0:18:18.544 And so, girls grow up to be women 0:18:18.544,0:18:20.746 who cannot see they have desire. 0:18:20.746,0:18:24.442 They grow up to be women[br]who silence themselves. 0:18:25.257,0:18:28.516 They grow up to be women who[br]cannot see what they truly think, 0:18:28.516,0:18:30.016 and they grow up - 0:18:30.016,0:18:32.250 and this is the worst thing[br]we did to girls - 0:18:32.270,0:18:36.807 they grow up to be women[br]who have turned pretense into an art form. 0:18:36.807,0:18:42.762 (Applause) 0:18:42.762,0:18:46.126 I know a woman who hates domestic work, 0:18:46.126,0:18:47.479 she just hates it, 0:18:47.479,0:18:49.789 but she pretends that she likes it, 0:18:50.435,0:18:54.333 because she's been taught that[br]to be "good wife material" 0:18:54.333,0:18:58.857 she has to be -- to use that Nigerian word[br]-- very "homely." 0:18:59.625,0:19:00.883 And then she got married, 0:19:00.883,0:19:02.865 and after a while her husband's family [br] 0:19:02.865,0:19:06.635 began to complain[br]that she had changed. 0:19:06.635,0:19:08.237 Actually she had not changed, 0:19:08.237,0:19:10.396 she just got tired of pretending. 0:19:10.873,0:19:13.342 The problem with gender, 0:19:13.342,0:19:16.377 is that it prescribes how we should be 0:19:16.377,0:19:19.195 rather than recognizing how we are. 0:19:19.802,0:19:22.232 Now imagine how much happier[br]we would be, 0:19:22.289,0:19:25.557 how much freer to be[br]our true individual selves, 0:19:25.557,0:19:29.200 if we didn't have the weight[br]of gender expectations. 0:19:29.200,0:19:34.133 Boys and girls are undeniably[br]different biologically, 0:19:34.133,0:19:37.191 but socialization exaggerates[br]the differences 0:19:37.191,0:19:39.685 and then it becomes[br]a self-fulfilling process. 0:19:39.823,0:19:42.171 Now take cooking for example. 0:19:42.171,0:19:45.951 Today women in general are more likely[br]to do the house work than men, 0:19:45.951,0:19:47.302 the cooking and cleaning. 0:19:47.302,0:19:48.874 But why is that? 0:19:48.874,0:19:51.566 Is it because women are born[br]with a cooking gene? 0:19:51.566,0:19:53.358 (Laughter) 0:19:53.358,0:19:56.951 Or because over years they have been[br]socialized to see cooking as their rule? 0:19:57.443,0:20:00.402 Actually I was going to say that maybe[br]women are born with a cooking gene, 0:20:00.402,0:20:04.390 until I remember that the majority[br]of the famous cooks in the world, 0:20:04.390,0:20:06.647 whom we give the fancy title of "chefs," 0:20:06.647,0:20:08.428 are men. 0:20:09.275,0:20:10.857 I used to look up to my grandmother 0:20:10.857,0:20:12.570 who was a brilliant, brilliant woman, 0:20:12.570,0:20:14.736 and wonder how she would have been 0:20:14.736,0:20:18.365 if she had the same opportunity[br]as men when she was growing up. 0:20:19.195,0:20:21.724 Now today, there are[br]many more opportunities for women 0:20:21.724,0:20:23.775 than there were during[br]my grandmother's time 0:20:23.775,0:20:26.661 because of changes in policy,[br]changes in law, 0:20:26.661,0:20:28.466 all of which are very important. 0:20:28.466,0:20:32.435 But what matters even more[br]is our attitude, our mindset, 0:20:32.490,0:20:35.356 what we believe and what we value[br]about gender. 0:20:36.063,0:20:38.408 What if in raising children 0:20:38.408,0:20:41.853 we focus on ability instead of gender? 0:20:41.853,0:20:43.377 What if in raising children 0:20:43.377,0:20:47.152 we focus on interest instead of gender? 0:20:47.152,0:20:49.521 I know a family who have[br]a son and a daughter, 0:20:49.521,0:20:51.196 both of whom are brilliant at school, 0:20:51.196,0:20:53.287 who are wonderful, lovely children. 0:20:53.287,0:20:55.808 When the boy is hungry,[br]the parents say to the girl 0:20:55.808,0:20:58.962 "Go and cook Indomie noodles[br]for your brother." 0:20:58.962,0:21:02.821 Now the daughter doesn't particularly like[br]to cook Indomie noodles, 0:21:02.821,0:21:05.609 but she's a girl,[br]and so she has to. 0:21:05.725,0:21:07.196 Now, what if the parents, 0:21:07.196,0:21:08.465 from the beginning, 0:21:08.465,0:21:14.089 taught both the boy and the girl[br]to cook Indomie? 0:21:14.089,0:21:17.185 Cooking, by the way,[br]is a very useful skill for boys to have. 0:21:17.185,0:21:21.794 I've never thought it made sense[br]to leave such a crucial thing, 0:21:21.794,0:21:25.028 the ability to nourish oneself, 0:21:25.028,0:21:27.316 in the hands of others. 0:21:27.316,0:21:32.055 (Applause) 0:21:32.055,0:21:35.845 I know a woman who has the same degree[br]and the same job as her husband, 0:21:35.845,0:21:38.576 when they get back from work[br]she does most of the house work, 0:21:38.587,0:21:40.972 which I think is true for many marriages, 0:21:40.972,0:21:42.972 But what struck me about them was that 0:21:42.972,0:21:45.539 whenever her husband changed[br]the baby's diaper, 0:21:45.539,0:21:48.446 she said "thank you" to him. 0:21:49.046,0:21:53.750 Now what if she saw this[br]as perfectly normal and natural 0:21:53.750,0:21:57.485 that he should, in fact,[br]care for his child? 0:21:59.592,0:22:03.406 I'm trying to unlearn[br]many of the lessons of gender 0:22:03.406,0:22:05.669 that I internalized when I was growing up. 0:22:05.669,0:22:08.419 But I sometimes still feel very vulnerable 0:22:08.419,0:22:11.169 in the face of gender expectations. 0:22:11.169,0:22:14.258 The first time I taught a[br]writing class in graduate school 0:22:14.258,0:22:15.726 I was worried. 0:22:15.726,0:22:19.254 I wasn't worried about the material[br]I would teach because I was well-prepared 0:22:19.254,0:22:21.483 and I was going to teach[br]what I enjoy teaching. 0:22:21.483,0:22:24.011 Instead, I was worried about what to wear. 0:22:24.811,0:22:26.805 I wanted to be taken seriously. 0:22:27.295,0:22:29.014 I knew that because I was female 0:22:29.014,0:22:32.999 I will automatically[br]have to prove my worth. 0:22:33.461,0:22:35.379 And I was worried if I looked too feminine 0:22:35.379,0:22:37.509 I would not be taken seriously. 0:22:37.540,0:22:41.609 I really wanted to wear my shiny lip gloss[br]and my girly skirt, 0:22:41.686,0:22:43.379 but I decided not to. 0:22:43.379,0:22:45.965 Instead, I wore a very serious, 0:22:45.980,0:22:49.175 very manly, and very ugly suit. 0:22:50.036,0:22:52.666 Because the sad truth is[br]that when it comes to appearance 0:22:52.666,0:22:54.590 we start off with man as the standard, 0:22:54.590,0:22:56.171 as the norm. 0:22:56.202,0:22:58.563 If a man is getting ready[br]for a business meeting 0:22:58.563,0:23:00.421 he doesn't worry about[br]looking too masculine 0:23:00.421,0:23:02.875 and therefore not being taken for granted. 0:23:03.029,0:23:05.835 If a woman has to get ready[br]for business meeting, 0:23:05.835,0:23:09.564 she has to worry about looking[br]too feminine, and what it says 0:23:10.439,0:23:13.429 and whether or not[br]she will be taken seriously. 0:23:14.059,0:23:16.872 I wish I had not worn[br]that ugly suit that day. 0:23:17.272,0:23:20.218 I've actually banished it from my closet,[br]by the way. 0:23:20.724,0:23:25.663 Had I then the confidence[br]that I have now to be myself 0:23:25.663,0:23:28.588 my students would have benefited[br]even more from my teaching, 0:23:28.588,0:23:30.503 because I would have been[br]more comfortable, 0:23:30.503,0:23:33.438 and more fully and more truly myself. 0:23:33.715,0:23:38.133 I have chosen to no longer be apologetic[br]for my femaleness 0:23:38.163,0:23:40.432 and for my femininity. 0:23:40.432,0:23:46.539 (Applause) 0:23:46.539,0:23:49.810 And I want to be respected[br]in all of my femaleness 0:23:49.810,0:23:52.052 because I deserve to be. 0:23:52.113,0:23:54.745 Gender is not an easy conversation[br]to have. 0:23:55.637,0:23:57.915 For both men and women, 0:23:57.915,0:24:01.493 to bring up gender, sometimes[br]encounters almost immediate resistance. 0:24:01.493,0:24:04.242 I can imagine some people here[br]are actually thinking 0:24:04.242,0:24:06.515 "Women, true to selves? " 0:24:08.407,0:24:10.249 Some of the men here might be thinking 0:24:10.249,0:24:12.306 "Okay, all of this is interesting, 0:24:12.306,0:24:14.784 but I don't think like that." 0:24:14.861,0:24:16.953 And that is part of the problem. 0:24:16.953,0:24:20.157 That many men do not actively think[br]about gender 0:24:20.157,0:24:21.601 or notice gender, 0:24:21.601,0:24:23.707 is part of the problem of gender. 0:24:23.707,0:24:26.219 That many men, say, like my friend Louis, 0:24:26.219,0:24:28.758 that everything is fine now. 0:24:28.758,0:24:32.063 And that many men do nothing to change it. 0:24:32.063,0:24:34.902 If you are a man and you walk[br]into a restaurant with a woman 0:24:34.902,0:24:37.281 and the waiter greets only you, 0:24:37.281,0:24:39.312 does it occur to you to ask the waiter 0:24:39.312,0:24:41.697 "Why haven't you greeted her?" 0:24:43.866,0:24:46.303 Because gender can be... 0:24:47.306,0:24:54.210 (Laughter) 0:24:55.732,0:24:59.383 Actually we may repose part of[br]a longer version of this talk. 0:25:00.306,0:25:03.920 So, because gender can be[br]a very uncomfortable conversation to have, 0:25:03.920,0:25:06.861 there are very easy ways to close it,[br]to close the conversation. 0:25:06.861,0:25:10.101 So some people will bring up[br]evolutionary biology 0:25:10.101,0:25:11.281 and apes, 0:25:11.281,0:25:14.881 how, you know, female apes[br]bow down to male apes 0:25:14.881,0:25:16.603 and that sort of thing. 0:25:16.603,0:25:18.931 But the point is we're not apes. 0:25:18.931,0:25:24.736 (Laughter)[br](Applause) 0:25:25.685,0:25:30.227 Apes also live on trees and[br]have earth worms for breakfast 0:25:30.227,0:25:31.925 but we don't. 0:25:32.078,0:25:33.393 Some people will say, 0:25:33.393,0:25:36.469 "Well, poor men also have a hard time." 0:25:36.469,0:25:38.665 And this is true. 0:25:38.957,0:25:41.257 But that is not what this...[br](Laughter) 0:25:41.318,0:25:44.077 But this is not what this conversation[br]is about. 0:25:45.508,0:25:49.214 Gender and class are different forms[br]of oppression. 0:25:49.214,0:25:52.731 I actually learned quite a bit[br]about systems of oppression 0:25:52.731,0:25:55.380 and how they can be blind to one another 0:25:55.380,0:25:57.620 by talking to black men. 0:25:58.420,0:26:01.297 I was once talking to a black man[br]about gender 0:26:01.297,0:26:02.439 and he said to me, 0:26:02.439,0:26:04.358 "Why do you have to say 0:26:04.358,0:26:06.218 'my experience as a woman'? 0:26:06.218,0:26:07.387 why can't it be 0:26:07.387,0:26:10.285 'your experience as a human being'?" 0:26:10.808,0:26:13.088 Now this was the same man[br]who would often talk about 0:26:13.088,0:26:16.006 his experience as a black man. 0:26:18.462,0:26:21.480 Gender matters. Men and women[br]experience the world differently. 0:26:22.029,0:26:24.580 Gender colors the way[br]we experience the world. 0:26:24.580,0:26:27.210 But we can change that. 0:26:27.210,0:26:28.631 Some people will say, 0:26:29.421,0:26:31.925 "Oh but women have the real power, 0:26:31.925,0:26:33.386 bottom power." 0:26:33.386,0:26:36.151 And for non-Nigerians, bottom power[br]is an expression which -- 0:26:36.151,0:26:37.724 I suppose means something like 0:26:37.724,0:26:41.614 a woman who uses her sexuality[br]to get favors from men. 0:26:41.998,0:26:45.421 But bottom power is not power at all. 0:26:46.775,0:26:50.083 Bottom power means that a woman 0:26:50.083,0:26:53.362 simply has a good root to tap into,[br]from time to time, 0:26:53.362,0:26:55.996 somebody else's power. 0:26:56.027,0:26:57.356 And then of course we have to wonder [br] 0:26:57.356,0:26:58.685 what happens when that somebody else is 0:26:58.685,0:27:00.014 in a bad mood, 0:27:00.014,0:27:01.541 or sick, 0:27:01.541,0:27:03.472 or impotent. 0:27:03.472,0:27:07.080 (Laughter) 0:27:07.807,0:27:12.748 Some people will say that a woman[br]being subordinate to a man is our culture. 0:27:13.841,0:27:15.622 But culture is constantly changing. 0:27:15.622,0:27:18.578 I have beautiful twin nieces[br]who are fifteen 0:27:18.578,0:27:19.969 and live in Lagos, 0:27:19.969,0:27:22.853 if they had been born a hundred years ago 0:27:22.863,0:27:25.155 they would have been taken away[br]and killed. 0:27:25.155,0:27:29.427 Because it was our culture,[br]it was our culture to kill twins. 0:27:29.427,0:27:32.222 So what is the point of culture? 0:27:32.361,0:27:33.683 I mean there's the decorative, 0:27:33.683,0:27:35.056 the dancing... 0:27:35.056,0:27:40.285 but also, culture really is about[br]preservation and continuity of a people. 0:27:40.285,0:27:41.402 In my family, 0:27:41.402,0:27:44.657 I am the child who is most interested[br]in the story of who we are, 0:27:44.657,0:27:45.798 in our tradition, 0:27:45.798,0:27:48.111 in the knowledge about ancestral lands. 0:27:48.188,0:27:50.874 My brothers are not as interested as I am. 0:27:50.951,0:27:53.074 But I cannot participate, 0:27:53.074,0:27:54.877 I cannot go to their meetings, 0:27:54.877,0:27:56.680 I cannot have a say. 0:27:56.680,0:27:58.707 Because I'm female. 0:27:58.707,0:28:00.943 Culture does not make people, 0:28:00.943,0:28:02.914 people make culture. 0:28:05.420,0:28:08.014 (Applause) 0:28:09.112,0:28:12.497 So if it's in fact true[br]that the full humanity of women 0:28:12.497,0:28:15.837 is not our culture,[br]then we must make it our culture. 0:28:17.283,0:28:22.149 I think very often[br]of my dear friend Okuloma, 0:28:22.149,0:28:26.847 may he and all the others that passed[br]away in that Sosoliso Crash 0:28:26.847,0:28:29.299 continue to rest in peace. 0:28:29.299,0:28:32.876 He will always be remembered[br]by those of us who loved him. 0:28:33.338,0:28:36.289 And he was right that day many years ago 0:28:36.289,0:28:38.191 when he called me a feminist. 0:28:38.191,0:28:39.989 I am a feminist. 0:28:40.374,0:28:42.508 And when I looked up the word[br]in the dictionary that day, 0:28:42.508,0:28:43.709 this is what it said: 0:28:43.709,0:28:44.964 Feminist, 0:28:44.964,0:28:47.433 a person who believes[br]in the social, political 0:28:47.433,0:28:50.242 and economic equality of the sexes. 0:28:51.239,0:28:52.881 My great grandmother, 0:28:52.881,0:28:54.235 from the stories I've heard, 0:28:54.235,0:28:55.942 was a feminist. 0:28:55.942,0:28:59.235 She ran away from the house of the man[br]she did not want to marry, 0:28:59.235,0:29:02.083 and ended up marrying the man[br]of her choice. 0:29:02.083,0:29:05.166 She refused,[br]she protested, she spoke up 0:29:05.166,0:29:10.546 whenever she felt she's being deprived[br]of access, or land, that sort of thing. 0:29:10.573,0:29:13.756 My great grandmother did not know[br]that word "feminist," 0:29:13.976,0:29:16.733 but it doesn't mean that she wasn't one. 0:29:17.194,0:29:19.859 More of us should reclaim that word. 0:29:20.628,0:29:23.534 My own definition of feminist is: 0:29:24.041,0:29:26.305 a feminist is a man or a woman 0:29:26.305,0:29:28.019 who says - 0:29:28.019,0:29:37.666 (Laughter)[br](Applause) 0:29:37.666,0:29:40.673 a feminist is a man or a woman who says 0:29:40.673,0:29:44.162 "Yes, there's a problem[br]with gender as it is today, 0:29:44.162,0:29:45.618 and we must fix it. 0:29:45.618,0:29:48.037 We must do better." 0:29:48.867,0:29:50.493 The best feminist I know 0:29:50.493,0:29:52.991 is my brother Kenny. 0:29:53.555,0:29:57.709 He's also a kind, good-looking,[br]lovely man, 0:29:57.709,0:30:00.175 and he's very masculine. 0:30:00.175,0:30:01.651 Thank you. 0:30:01.690,0:30:06.735 (Applause)