0:00:04.465,0:00:09.390
So, I have a Facebook friend[br]whose life seems perfect.

0:00:09.390,0:00:11.770
She lives in a gorgeous house.

0:00:11.770,0:00:14.456
And she has a really rewarding career.

0:00:14.456,0:00:15.665
And she and her family go

0:00:15.665,0:00:19.266
on all these exciting adventures[br]together on the weekends.

0:00:19.266,0:00:20.776
And I swear that they must take[br]

0:00:20.776,0:00:22.876
a professional photographer[br]along with them,

0:00:22.876,0:00:24.233
(Laughter)

0:00:24.233,0:00:26.563
because no matter where they go[br]or what they do,

0:00:26.563,0:00:29.502
the whole family just looks beautiful.

0:00:29.502,0:00:33.271
And she's always posting [br]about how blessed she is,

0:00:33.271,0:00:36.271
and how grateful she is[br]for the life that she has.

0:00:36.271,0:00:39.177
And I get the feeling[br]that she's not just saying those things[br]

0:00:39.177,0:00:43.514
for the sake of Facebook,[br]but she truly means it.

0:00:43.514,0:00:48.558
How many of you have a friend[br]kind of like that?

0:00:48.558,0:00:50.513
And how many of you

0:00:50.513,0:00:53.413
kind of don't like that person sometimes?

0:00:53.413,0:00:56.215
(Laughter)

0:00:56.215,0:00:58.802
We all do this, right?

0:00:58.802,0:01:00.745
It's hard not to do.

0:01:00.745,0:01:04.548
But that way of thinking [br]costs us something.

0:01:04.548,0:01:06.964
And that's what I want to talk[br]to you about today--

0:01:06.964,0:01:10.875
is what our bad habits cost us.

0:01:10.875,0:01:13.217
Maybe you've scrolled through[br]your Facebook feed[br]

0:01:13.217,0:01:15.693
and you think, "So what[br]if I roll my eyes?

0:01:15.693,0:01:18.219
It's just five seconds of my time.

0:01:18.219,0:01:20.582
How could it be hurting me?"

0:01:20.582,0:01:22.249
Well, researchers have found [br]

0:01:22.249,0:01:25.211
that envying your friends on Facebook,

0:01:25.211,0:01:28.081
actually leads to depression.

0:01:28.081,0:01:32.022
That's just one of the traps[br]that our minds can set for us.

0:01:32.022,0:01:35.457
Have you ever complained about your boss?

0:01:35.457,0:01:37.794
Or looked at your friends'[br]lives and thought,

0:01:37.794,0:01:40.472
"Why do they have all the luck?"

0:01:40.472,0:01:43.033
You can't help thinking that way, right?

0:01:43.033,0:01:45.856
That way of thinking seems[br]small in the moment.

0:01:45.856,0:01:49.692
In fact, it might even make you feel[br]better in the moment.

0:01:49.692,0:01:55.054
But that way of thinking is[br]eating away at your mental strength.

0:01:55.054,0:01:57.772
There's three kinds of destructive beliefs[br]

0:01:57.772,0:01:59.846
that make us less effective,

0:01:59.846,0:02:03.056
and rob us of our mental strength.

0:02:03.056,0:02:07.852
The first one is unhealthy[br]beliefs about ourselves.

0:02:07.852,0:02:10.715
We tend to feel sorry for ourselves.

0:02:10.715,0:02:14.423
And while it's OK to be sad[br]when something bad happens,

0:02:14.423,0:02:16.220
self-pity goes beyond that.

0:02:16.220,0:02:19.078
It's when you start[br]to magnify your misfortune.

0:02:19.078,0:02:20.668
When you think things like,

0:02:20.668,0:02:23.041
"Why do these things[br]always have to happen to me?"

0:02:23.041,0:02:25.884
"I shouldn't have to deal with it."

0:02:25.884,0:02:27.762
That way of thinking keeps you stuck,

0:02:27.762,0:02:29.888
keeps you focused on the problem,

0:02:29.888,0:02:33.158
keeps you from finding a solution.

0:02:33.158,0:02:35.251
And even when you can't create a solution,

0:02:35.251,0:02:39.462
you can always take steps to make[br]your life or somebody else's life better.

0:02:39.462,0:02:40.650
But you can't do that

0:02:40.650,0:02:45.160
when you're busy[br]hosting your own pity party.

0:02:45.160,0:02:48.811
The second type of destructive[br]belief that holds us back

0:02:48.811,0:02:52.075
is unhealthy beliefs about others.

0:02:52.075,0:02:54.510
We think that other people can control us,

0:02:54.510,0:02:57.850
and we give away our power.

0:02:57.850,0:03:00.697
But as adults who live in a free country,

0:03:00.697,0:03:04.476
there's very few things in life[br]that you have to do.

0:03:04.476,0:03:07.258
So when you say, "I have to work late,"

0:03:07.258,0:03:09.448
you give away your power.

0:03:09.448,0:03:12.370
Yeah, maybe there will be[br]consequences if you don't work late,

0:03:12.370,0:03:15.675
but it's still a choice.

0:03:15.675,0:03:19.760
Or when you say, "My[br]mother-in-law drives me crazy,"

0:03:19.760,0:03:22.256
you give away your power.

0:03:22.256,0:03:25.169
Maybe she's not the nicest [br]person on earth,

0:03:25.169,0:03:27.194
but it's up to you how you respond to her,

0:03:27.194,0:03:31.424
because you're in control.

0:03:31.424,0:03:35.021
The third type of unhealthy[br]belief that holds us back,

0:03:35.021,0:03:38.531
is unhealthy beliefs about the world.

0:03:38.531,0:03:41.293
We tend to think that the world[br]owes us something.

0:03:41.293,0:03:44.075
We think, "If I put in enough hard work,

0:03:44.075,0:03:47.075
then I deserve success."

0:03:47.075,0:03:49.261
But expecting success[br]to fall into your lap

0:03:49.261,0:03:52.209
like some sort of cosmic reward,

0:03:52.209,0:03:56.429
will only lead to disappointment.

0:03:56.429,0:03:59.378
But I know it's hard to give up[br]our bad mental habits.

0:03:59.378,0:04:01.628
It's hard to get rid of those [br]unhealthy beliefs

0:04:01.628,0:04:04.729
that we've carried around[br]with us for so long.

0:04:04.729,0:04:07.850
But you can't afford not to give them up.

0:04:07.850,0:04:11.484
Because sooner or later, you're[br]going to hit a time in your life

0:04:11.484,0:04:16.906
where you need all the mental [br]strength that you can muster.

0:04:16.906,0:04:19.066
When I was 23 years old,

0:04:19.066,0:04:23.006
I thought I had life all figured out.

0:04:23.006,0:04:25.160
I graduated from grad school.

0:04:25.160,0:04:28.464
I landed my first big job as a therapist.[br]

0:04:28.464,0:04:29.670
I got married.

0:04:29.675,0:04:31.356
And I even bought a house.

0:04:31.356,0:04:33.356
And I thought,[br]"This is going to be great!"[br]

0:04:33.356,0:04:36.461
"I've got this incredible[br]jump start on success."

0:04:36.461,0:04:39.498
What could go wrong?

0:04:39.498,0:04:41.463
That all changed for me one day

0:04:41.463,0:04:44.573
when I got a phone call from my sister.

0:04:44.573,0:04:47.862
She said that our mother[br]was found unresponsive

0:04:47.862,0:04:50.798
and she'd been taken to the hospital.

0:04:50.798,0:04:54.926
My husband Lincoln and I jumped [br]in the car and rushed to the hospital.

0:04:54.926,0:04:57.497
We couldn't imagine what could be wrong.

0:04:57.497,0:04:59.320
My mother was only 51.

0:04:59.322,0:05:04.431
She didn't have any history[br]of any kind of health problems.

0:05:04.431,0:05:05.895
When we got to the hospital,

0:05:05.895,0:05:10.068
doctors explained she'd had[br]a brain aneurysm.

0:05:10.068,0:05:13.019
And within 24 hours, my mother,

0:05:13.019,0:05:17.235
who used to wake up in the morning[br]saying, "It's a great day to be alive,"

0:05:17.235,0:05:19.480
passed away.

0:05:19.480,0:05:21.233
That news was devastating to me.

0:05:21.233,0:05:23.893
My mother and I had been very close.

0:05:23.893,0:05:28.284
As a therapist, I knew on an intellectual[br]level how to go through grief.

0:05:28.284,0:05:32.872
But knowing it, and doing it, [br]can be two very different things.

0:05:32.872,0:05:38.208
It took a long time before I felt[br]like I was really healing.

0:05:38.208,0:05:42.503
And then on the three year anniversary[br]of my mother's death,

0:05:42.503,0:05:44.194
some friends called,

0:05:44.194,0:05:48.474
and invited Lincoln and me[br]to a basketball game.

0:05:48.474,0:05:50.780
Coincidentally, it was being played[br]

0:05:50.780,0:05:54.389
at the same auditorium[br]where I'd last seen my mother,

0:05:54.389,0:05:57.442
on the night before she'd passed away.

0:05:57.442,0:05:59.487
I hadn't been back there since.

0:05:59.487,0:06:01.923
I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back.

0:06:01.923,0:06:05.413
But Lincoln and I talked about it,[br]and ultimately we said,

0:06:05.413,0:06:08.466
"Maybe that would be a good way[br]to honor her memory."

0:06:08.466,0:06:10.324
So we went to the game.

0:06:10.324,0:06:13.492
And we actually had a really good[br]time with our friends.

0:06:13.492,0:06:15.172
On the drive home that night,

0:06:15.172,0:06:16.714
we talked about how great it was

0:06:16.714,0:06:19.060
to finally be able to go[br]back to that place,

0:06:19.060,0:06:21.247
and remember my mother with a smile,

0:06:21.247,0:06:25.837
rather than all those feelings of sadness.

0:06:25.837,0:06:31.206
But shortly after we got home that night, [br]Lincoln said he didn't feel well.

0:06:31.206,0:06:34.546
A few minutes later, he collapsed.

0:06:34.546,0:06:37.849
I had to call for an ambulance.

0:06:37.849,0:06:40.626
His family met me at the emergency room.

0:06:40.626,0:06:43.698
We waited for what seemed like forever,

0:06:43.698,0:06:46.698
until finally a doctor came out.

0:06:46.698,0:06:49.652
But rather than taking[br]us out back to see Lincoln,

0:06:49.652,0:06:53.482
he took us back to a private room,

0:06:53.482,0:06:55.272
and sat us down,[br]

0:06:55.272,0:06:57.100
and explained to us that Lincoln,

0:06:57.100,0:06:59.950
who was the most adventurous[br]person I'd ever met,

0:06:59.950,0:07:03.250
was gone.

0:07:03.250,0:07:06.575
We didn't know at the time, [br]but he'd had a heart attack.

0:07:06.575,0:07:08.977
He was only 26.

0:07:08.977,0:07:14.025
He didn't have any history[br]of heart problems.

0:07:14.025,0:07:17.020
So now I found myself a 26-year-old widow,

0:07:17.020,0:07:19.660
and I didn't have my mom.

0:07:19.660,0:07:22.586
I thought, "How am I going[br]to get through this/"

0:07:22.586,0:07:25.274
And to describe that[br]as a painful period in my life

0:07:25.274,0:07:27.514
feels like an understatement.

0:07:27.514,0:07:29.680
And it was during that time[br]that I realized

0:07:29.680,0:07:31.867
when you're really going[br]through tough times,

0:07:31.867,0:07:34.047
good habits aren't enough.

0:07:34.047,0:07:37.270
It only takes one or two small habits

0:07:37.270,0:07:40.020
to really hold you back.

0:07:40.020,0:07:41.970
I worked as hard as I could,

0:07:41.970,0:07:44.001
not just to create good habits in my life,

0:07:44.001,0:07:46.241
but to get rid of those small habits,

0:07:46.241,0:07:49.261
no matter how small they might seem.

0:07:49.261,0:07:50.523
Throughout it all,

0:07:50.523,0:07:54.763
I held out hope that someday[br]life could get better.

0:07:54.763,0:07:57.215
And eventually it did.

0:07:57.215,0:07:59.556
A few years down the road, I met Steve.

0:07:59.556,0:08:01.266
And we fell in love.

0:08:01.266,0:08:03.560
And I got remarried.

0:08:03.560,0:08:05.960
We sold the house that[br]Lincoln and I had lived in,

0:08:05.960,0:08:09.159
and we bought a new house, in a new area,

0:08:09.159,0:08:12.159
and I got a new job.

0:08:12.159,0:08:15.098
But almost as quickly[br]as I breathed my sigh of relief

0:08:15.098,0:08:17.944
over that fresh start that I had,

0:08:17.951,0:08:22.970
we got the news that Steve's dad[br]had terminal cancer.

0:08:22.970,0:08:24.180
And I started to think,

0:08:24.180,0:08:26.612
"Why do these things always[br]have to keep happening?"

0:08:26.612,0:08:29.023
"Why do I have to keep losing[br]all my loved ones?"

0:08:29.023,0:08:33.099
"This isn't fair."

0:08:33.099,0:08:34.856
But if I'd learned anything,

0:08:34.856,0:08:39.653
it was that that way of thinking[br]would hold me back.

0:08:39.653,0:08:41.043
I knew I was going to need

0:08:41.043,0:08:43.332
as much mental strength as I could muster,

0:08:43.332,0:08:46.463
to get through one more loss.

0:08:46.463,0:08:48.531
So I sat down and I wrote a list

0:08:48.531,0:08:52.703
of all the things mentally[br]strong people don't do.

0:08:52.703,0:08:54.243
And I read over that list.

0:08:54.243,0:08:56.804
It was a reminder of all[br]of those bad habits

0:08:56.804,0:09:01.103
that I'd done at one time or another, [br]that would keep me stuck.

0:09:01.103,0:09:03.682
And I kept reading[br]that list over and over.

0:09:03.682,0:09:05.415
And I really needed it.

0:09:05.415,0:09:07.978
Because within a few weeks of writing it,

0:09:07.978,0:09:12.968
Steve's dad passed away.

0:09:12.968,0:09:17.407
My journey taught me that the secret[br]to being mentally strong,

0:09:17.407,0:09:21.222
was that you had to give up[br]your bad mental habits.

0:09:21.222,0:09:24.068
Mental strength is a lot[br]like physical strength.

0:09:24.068,0:09:26.563
If you wanted to be physically strong,

0:09:26.563,0:09:29.064
you'd need to go to the gym[br]and lift weights.

0:09:29.064,0:09:31.932
But if you really wanted to see results,

0:09:31.932,0:09:35.000
you'd also have to give up[br]eating junk food.

0:09:35.000,0:09:36.383
Mental strength is the same.

0:09:36.383,0:09:38.229
If you want to be mentally strong,

0:09:38.229,0:09:41.935
you need good habits[br]like practicing gratitude.

0:09:41.935,0:09:43.866
But you also have to give up bad habits,

0:09:43.866,0:09:47.266
like resenting somebody else's success.

0:09:47.266,0:09:49.693
No matter how often that happens,

0:09:49.693,0:09:53.263
it will hold you back.

0:09:53.263,0:09:57.279
So, how do you train[br]your brain to think differently?

0:09:57.279,0:10:00.291
How do you give up those bad mental habits

0:10:00.291,0:10:03.091
that you've carried around with you?

0:10:03.091,0:10:07.534
It starts by countering those[br]unhealthy beliefs that I talked about,

0:10:07.534,0:10:10.749
with healthier ones.

0:10:10.749,0:10:13.879
For example, unhealthy[br]beliefs about ourselves

0:10:13.879,0:10:17.408
mostly come about because we're [br]uncomfortable with our feelings.

0:10:17.408,0:10:19.985
Feeling sad, or hurt, or angry, or scared,

0:10:19.985,0:10:22.507
those things are all uncomfortable.

0:10:22.507,0:10:25.777
So we go to great lengths[br]to avoid that discomfort.

0:10:25.777,0:10:28.155
We try to escape it

0:10:28.155,0:10:31.855
by doing things like hosting a pity party.

0:10:31.855,0:10:34.456
And although that's[br]a temporary distraction,

0:10:34.456,0:10:36.646
it just prolongs the pain.

0:10:36.646,0:10:39.625
The only way to get through [br]uncomfortable emotions,

0:10:39.625,0:10:42.697
the only way to deal with them,[br]is you have to go through them.

0:10:42.697,0:10:46.261
To let yourself feel sad,[br]and then move on.

0:10:46.261,0:10:47.952
To gain confidence in your ability

0:10:47.952,0:10:51.852
to deal with that discomfort.

0:10:51.852,0:10:54.659
Unhealthy beliefs about others come about

0:10:54.659,0:10:57.675
because we compare[br]ourselves to other people.

0:10:57.675,0:11:00.653
We think that they're[br]either above us or below us.

0:11:00.659,0:11:02.866
Or we think that they can[br]control how we feel.

0:11:02.866,0:11:05.214
Or that we can control how they behave.

0:11:05.214,0:11:07.906
Or we blame them for holding us back.

0:11:07.906,0:11:11.354
But really, it's our own[br]choices that do that.

0:11:11.354,0:11:13.560
You have to accept[br]that you're your own person,

0:11:13.560,0:11:16.034
and other people are separate from you.

0:11:16.034,0:11:18.299
The only person you should[br]compare yourself to,

0:11:18.299,0:11:22.302
is the person that you were yesterday.

0:11:22.302,0:11:25.169
And unhealthy beliefs[br]about the world come about

0:11:25.169,0:11:29.033
because deep down,[br]we want the world to be fair.

0:11:29.033,0:11:32.510
We want to think that if we[br]put in enough good deeds,

0:11:32.510,0:11:34.767
enough good things will happen to us.

0:11:34.767,0:11:37.424
Or if we tough it out[br]through enough bad times,

0:11:37.424,0:11:40.424
we'll get some sort of reward.

0:11:40.424,0:11:44.556
But ultimately you have[br]to accept that life isn't fair.

0:11:44.556,0:11:46.548
And that can be liberating.

0:11:46.548,0:11:50.079
Yeah, it means you won't necessarily[br]be rewarded for your goodness,

0:11:50.083,0:11:52.860
but it also means no matter[br]how much you've suffered,

0:11:52.860,0:11:56.502
you're not doomed to keep suffering.

0:11:56.502,0:11:59.201
The world doesn't work that way.

0:11:59.201,0:12:02.641
Your world is what you make it.

0:12:02.641,0:12:05.017
But of course before you[br]can change your world,

0:12:05.017,0:12:08.845
you have to believe[br]that you can change it.

0:12:08.845,0:12:13.237
I once worked with this man[br]who had been diabetic for years.

0:12:13.237,0:12:15.446
His doctor referred him to therapy

0:12:15.446,0:12:17.716
because he had some bad mental habits

0:12:17.716,0:12:21.176
that were starting to affect[br]his physical health.

0:12:21.176,0:12:25.239
His mother had died from complications[br]of diabetes at a young age,

0:12:25.239,0:12:27.693
so he just believed he was doomed,

0:12:27.693,0:12:31.831
and he'd given up trying to manage[br]his blood sugar altogether.

0:12:31.831,0:12:34.785
In fact, his blood sugar[br]had gotten so high lately,

0:12:34.785,0:12:37.381
that it was starting to affect his vision.

0:12:37.381,0:12:40.381
And he had his driver's[br]license taken away.

0:12:40.381,0:12:44.129
And his world was shrinking.

0:12:44.129,0:12:46.491
When he came into my office, it was clear

0:12:46.491,0:12:50.199
he knew all the things[br]he could do to manage his blood sugar.

0:12:50.201,0:12:54.221
He just didn't think[br]it was worth the effort.

0:12:54.221,0:12:58.911
But eventually, he agreed[br]to make one small change.

0:12:58.911,0:13:02.322
He said, "I'll give up[br]my two liter-a-day Pepsi habit,

0:13:02.322,0:13:05.135
and I'll trade it in for Diet Pepsi."

0:13:05.142,0:13:10.633
And he couldn't believe how quickly[br]his numbers started to improve.

0:13:10.633,0:13:12.455
And even though he came every week

0:13:12.455,0:13:16.621
to remind me how horrible[br]Diet Pepsi tasted,

0:13:16.621,0:13:19.571
he stuck with it.

0:13:19.571,0:13:22.181
And once he started to see[br]a little bit of improvement,

0:13:22.181,0:13:25.934
he said, "Well, maybe I could[br]look at some of my other habits."[br]

0:13:25.934,0:13:28.935
He said, "I could trade in[br]my nightly bowl of ice cream

0:13:28.935,0:13:32.180
for a snack with a little less sugar."

0:13:32.180,0:13:35.776
And then one day he was at a thrift[br]store with some friends,

0:13:35.776,0:13:38.678
and he found this beat-up[br]old exercise bike.

0:13:38.678,0:13:40.722
He bought it for a couple of bucks,

0:13:40.722,0:13:44.223
and he brought it home,[br]and he parked it in front of his TV.

0:13:44.223,0:13:45.417
And he started to pedal

0:13:45.417,0:13:49.477
while he'd watch some[br]of his favorite shows every night.

0:13:49.477,0:13:51.780
And not only did he lose weight,

0:13:51.780,0:13:55.590
but one day, he noticed[br]he could see the TV

0:13:55.590,0:13:59.784
just a little bit more clearly[br]than he had before.

0:13:59.784,0:14:01.872
And suddenly it occurred to him,

0:14:01.875,0:14:06.642
maybe the damage done[br]to his eyesight wasn't permanent.

0:14:06.642,0:14:08.328
So he set a new goal for himself--

0:14:08.328,0:14:11.238
to get his driver's license back.

0:14:11.238,0:14:14.709
And from that day forward, he was on fire.

0:14:14.709,0:14:17.584
By the end of our time together,[br]he was coming in every week

0:14:17.584,0:14:21.015
saying, "OK, what are we[br]going to do this week?"

0:14:21.015,0:14:24.541
Because he finally believed[br]that he could change his world.

0:14:24.541,0:14:27.798
And that he had the mental[br]strength to change it.

0:14:27.798,0:14:30.334
And that he could give up[br]his bad mental habits.

0:14:30.334,0:14:35.680
And it all started[br]with just one small step.

0:14:35.680,0:14:37.679
So I invite you to consider

0:14:37.679,0:14:41.559
what bad mental habits[br]are holding you back?

0:14:41.559,0:14:43.168
What unhealthy beliefs

0:14:43.168,0:14:47.882
are keeping you from being[br]as mentally strong as you could be?

0:14:47.882,0:14:51.485
And what is one small step[br]that you could take today?

0:14:51.485,0:14:54.574
Right here, right now.

0:14:54.574,0:14:55.906
Thank you.

0:14:55.906,0:14:57.767
(Applause)