0:00:00.960,0:00:02.416 I published this article 0:00:02.440,0:00:06.816 in the New York Times Modern Love column[br]in January of this year. 0:00:06.840,0:00:09.176 "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." 0:00:09.200,0:00:11.496 And the article[br]is about a psychological study 0:00:11.520,0:00:14.936 designed to create romantic love[br]in the laboratory, 0:00:14.960,0:00:17.696 and my own experience[br]trying the study myself 0:00:17.720,0:00:19.576 one night last summer. 0:00:19.600,0:00:22.336 So the procedure is fairly simple: 0:00:22.360,0:00:29.216 two strangers take turns asking each other[br]36 increasingly personal questions 0:00:29.240,0:00:32.136 and then they stare into each other's eyes 0:00:32.159,0:00:34.720 without speaking for four minutes. 0:00:35.360,0:00:38.736 So here are a couple of sample questions. 0:00:38.760,0:00:44.016 Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow[br]having gained any one quality or ability, 0:00:44.040,0:00:45.240 what would it be? 0:00:46.240,0:00:50.936 Number 28: When did you last cry[br]in front of another person? 0:00:50.960,0:00:52.176 By yourself? 0:00:52.200,0:00:56.456 As you can see, they really do[br]get more personal as they go along. 0:00:56.480,0:00:58.856 Number 30, I really like this one: 0:00:58.880,0:01:01.736 Tell your partner[br]what you like about them; 0:01:01.760,0:01:03.616 be very honest this time, 0:01:03.640,0:01:08.000 saying things you might not say[br]to someone you just met. 0:01:08.840,0:01:13.376 So when I first came across this study[br]a few years earlier, 0:01:13.400,0:01:15.496 one detail really stuck out to me, 0:01:15.520,0:01:18.576 and that was the rumor[br]that two of the participants 0:01:18.600,0:01:21.096 had gotten married six months later, 0:01:21.120,0:01:25.296 and they'd invited the entire lab[br]to the ceremony. 0:01:25.320,0:01:28.176 So I was of course very skeptical 0:01:28.200,0:01:31.856 about this process of just[br]manufacturing romantic love, 0:01:31.880,0:01:34.736 but of course I was intrigued. 0:01:34.760,0:01:38.176 And when I got the chance[br]to try this study myself, 0:01:38.200,0:01:41.336 with someone I knew[br]but not particularly well, 0:01:41.360,0:01:44.496 I wasn't expecting to fall in love. 0:01:44.520,0:01:47.216 But then we did, and -- 0:01:47.240,0:01:49.136 (Laughter) 0:01:49.160,0:01:53.536 And I thought it made a good story,[br]so I sent it to the Modern Love column 0:01:53.560,0:01:55.376 a few months later. 0:01:55.400,0:01:59.120 Now, this was published in January, 0:01:59.880,0:02:01.576 and now it is August, 0:02:01.600,0:02:05.216 so I'm guessing that some of you[br]are probably wondering, 0:02:05.240,0:02:07.616 are we still together? 0:02:07.640,0:02:10.015 And the reason I think[br]you might be wondering this 0:02:10.039,0:02:12.696 is because I have been asked this question 0:02:12.720,0:02:16.656 again and again and again[br]for the past seven months. 0:02:16.680,0:02:20.376 And this question is really[br]what I want to talk about today. 0:02:20.400,0:02:21.856 But let's come back to it. 0:02:21.880,0:02:24.856 (Laughter) 0:02:24.880,0:02:26.856 So the week before the article came out, 0:02:26.880,0:02:29.576 I was very nervous. 0:02:29.600,0:02:32.176 I had been working[br]on a book about love stories 0:02:32.200,0:02:34.016 for the past few years, 0:02:34.040,0:02:36.856 so I had gotten used to writing[br]about my own experiences 0:02:36.880,0:02:39.896 with romantic love on my blog. 0:02:39.920,0:02:44.496 But a blog post might get[br]a couple hundred views at the most, 0:02:44.520,0:02:47.616 and those were usually[br]just my Facebook friends, 0:02:47.640,0:02:50.216 and I figured my article[br]in the New York Times 0:02:50.240,0:02:53.040 would probably get a few thousand views. 0:02:54.080,0:02:56.856 And that felt like a lot of attention 0:02:56.880,0:03:00.056 on a relatively new relationship. 0:03:00.080,0:03:03.360 But as it turned out, I had no idea. 0:03:04.240,0:03:06.136 So the article was published online 0:03:06.160,0:03:08.216 on a Friday evening, 0:03:08.240,0:03:14.376 and by Saturday, this had happened[br]to the traffic on my blog. 0:03:14.400,0:03:19.280 And by Sunday, both the Today Show[br]and Good Morning America had called. 0:03:20.720,0:03:25.256 Within a month, the article[br]would receive over 8 million views, 0:03:25.280,0:03:27.576 and I was, to say the least, 0:03:27.600,0:03:31.496 underprepared for this sort of attention. 0:03:31.520,0:03:34.496 It's one thing to work up[br]the confidence to write honestly 0:03:34.520,0:03:36.616 about your experiences with love, 0:03:36.640,0:03:39.096 but it is another thing to discover 0:03:39.120,0:03:42.096 that your love life[br]has made international news -- 0:03:42.120,0:03:43.336 (Laughter) 0:03:43.360,0:03:47.176 and to realize[br]that people across the world 0:03:47.200,0:03:52.176 are genuinely invested[br]in the status of your new relationship. 0:03:52.200,0:03:54.376 (Laughter) 0:03:54.400,0:03:59.216 And when people called or emailed,[br]which they did every day for weeks, 0:03:59.240,0:04:02.576 they always asked the same question first: 0:04:02.600,0:04:05.256 are you guys still together? 0:04:05.280,0:04:07.616 In fact, as I was preparing this talk, 0:04:07.640,0:04:09.896 I did a quick search of my email inbox 0:04:09.920,0:04:11.856 for the phrase "Are you still together?" 0:04:11.880,0:04:14.576 and several messages[br]popped up immediately. 0:04:14.600,0:04:17.255 They were from students and journalists 0:04:17.279,0:04:20.296 and friendly strangers like this one. 0:04:20.320,0:04:22.776 I did radio interviews and they asked. 0:04:22.800,0:04:26.736 I even gave a talk, and one woman[br]shouted up to the stage, 0:04:26.760,0:04:30.096 "Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?" 0:04:30.120,0:04:33.416 And I promptly turned bright red. 0:04:33.440,0:04:36.256 I understand that this[br]is part of the deal. 0:04:36.280,0:04:39.816 If you write about your relationship[br]in an international newspaper, 0:04:39.840,0:04:43.496 you should expect people[br]to feel comfortable asking about it. 0:04:43.520,0:04:48.456 But I just wasn't prepared[br]for the scope of the response. 0:04:48.480,0:04:52.336 The 36 questions seem[br]to have taken on a life of their own. 0:04:52.360,0:04:55.776 In fact, the New York Times[br]published a follow-up article 0:04:55.800,0:04:57.016 for Valentine's Day, 0:04:57.040,0:05:01.536 which featured readers' experiences[br]of trying the study themselves, 0:05:01.560,0:05:03.840 with varying degrees of success. 0:05:04.960,0:05:09.176 So my first impulse[br]in the face of all of this attention 0:05:09.200,0:05:12.640 was to become very protective[br]of my own relationship. 0:05:13.920,0:05:16.936 I said no to every request[br]for the two of us 0:05:16.960,0:05:19.296 to do a media appearance together. 0:05:19.320,0:05:21.016 I turned down TV interviews, 0:05:21.040,0:05:25.176 and I said no to every request[br]for photos of the two us. 0:05:25.200,0:05:27.776 I think I was afraid that we would become 0:05:27.800,0:05:31.936 inadvertent icons[br]for the process of falling in love, 0:05:31.960,0:05:35.680 a position I did not at all[br]feel qualified for. 0:05:36.760,0:05:39.216 And I get it: 0:05:39.240,0:05:42.016 people didn't just want to know[br]if the study worked, 0:05:42.040,0:05:44.976 they wanted to know if it really worked: 0:05:45.000,0:05:49.696 that is, if it was capable[br]of producing love that would last, 0:05:49.720,0:05:55.096 not just a fling, but real love,[br]sustainable love. 0:05:55.120,0:05:59.216 But this was a question[br]I didn't feel capable of answering. 0:05:59.240,0:06:01.936 My own relationship[br]was only a few months old, 0:06:01.960,0:06:06.720 and I felt like people were asking[br]the wrong question in the first place. 0:06:08.040,0:06:12.176 What would knowing whether or not[br]we were still together really tell them? 0:06:12.200,0:06:13.856 If the answer was no, 0:06:13.880,0:06:17.856 would it make the experience[br]of doing these 36 questions 0:06:17.880,0:06:20.080 any less worthwhile? 0:06:20.800,0:06:23.576 Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote[br]about these questions 0:06:23.600,0:06:27.976 in this study here in 1997, 0:06:28.000,0:06:32.736 and here, the researcher's goal[br]was not to produce romantic love. 0:06:32.760,0:06:34.696 Instead, they wanted to foster 0:06:34.720,0:06:38.176 interpersonal closeness[br]among college students, 0:06:38.200,0:06:40.936 by using what Aron called 0:06:40.960,0:06:45.856 "sustained, escalating, reciprocal,[br]personalistic self-disclosure." 0:06:45.880,0:06:48.360 Sounds romantic, doesn't it? 0:06:49.600,0:06:51.256 But the study did work. 0:06:51.280,0:06:54.336 The participants[br]did feel closer after doing it, 0:06:54.360,0:06:59.656 and several subsequent studies have also[br]used Aron's fast friends protocol 0:06:59.680,0:07:03.816 as a way to quickly create[br]trust and intimacy between strangers. 0:07:03.840,0:07:07.269 They've used it between members[br]of the police and members of community, 0:07:07.293,0:07:10.853 and they've used it between people[br]of opposing political ideologies. 0:07:11.800,0:07:13.576 The original version of the story, 0:07:13.600,0:07:16.096 the one that I tried last summer, 0:07:16.120,0:07:20.336 that pairs the personal questions[br]with four minutes of eye contact, 0:07:20.360,0:07:22.456 was referenced in this article, 0:07:22.480,0:07:25.080 but unfortunately it was never published. 0:07:26.640,0:07:29.656 So a few months ago, I was giving a talk 0:07:29.680,0:07:31.976 at a small liberal arts college, 0:07:32.000,0:07:34.696 and a student came up to me afterwards 0:07:34.720,0:07:36.640 and he said, kind of shyly, 0:07:37.360,0:07:42.376 "So, I tried your study,[br]and it didn't work." 0:07:42.400,0:07:45.656 He seemed a little mystified by this. 0:07:45.680,0:07:50.456 "You mean, you didn't fall in love[br]with the person you did it with?" I asked. 0:07:50.480,0:07:52.896 "Well..." He paused. 0:07:52.920,0:07:55.400 "I think she just wants to be friends." 0:07:57.480,0:08:01.216 "But did you become[br]better friends?" I asked. 0:08:01.240,0:08:04.896 "Did you feel like you got to really[br]know each other after doing the study?" 0:08:04.920,0:08:06.216 He nodded. 0:08:06.240,0:08:09.176 "So, then it worked," I said. 0:08:09.200,0:08:13.416 I don't think this is the answer[br]he was looking for. 0:08:13.440,0:08:17.776 In fact, I don't think this is the answer[br]that any of us are looking for 0:08:17.800,0:08:20.056 when it comes to love. 0:08:20.080,0:08:21.816 I first came across this study 0:08:21.840,0:08:23.296 when I was 29 0:08:23.320,0:08:26.736 and I was going through[br]a really difficult breakup. 0:08:26.760,0:08:29.376 I had been in the relationship[br]since I was 20, 0:08:29.400,0:08:32.176 which was basically my entire adult life, 0:08:32.200,0:08:34.296 and he was my first real love, 0:08:34.320,0:08:39.416 and I had no idea how or if[br]I could make a life without him. 0:08:39.440,0:08:41.816 So I turned to science. 0:08:41.840,0:08:46.416 I researched everything I could find[br]about the science of romantic love, 0:08:46.440,0:08:51.536 and I think I was hoping that it might[br]somehow inoculate me from heartache. 0:08:51.560,0:08:54.200 I don't know if I realized[br]this at the time -- 0:08:55.120,0:08:58.416 I thought I was just doing research[br]for this book I was writing -- 0:08:58.440,0:09:01.856 but it seems really obvious in retrospect. 0:09:01.880,0:09:06.296 I hoped that if I armed myself[br]with the knowledge of romantic love, 0:09:06.320,0:09:10.960 I might never have to feel[br]as terrible and lonely as I did then. 0:09:12.320,0:09:16.616 And all this knowledge[br]has been useful in some ways. 0:09:16.640,0:09:19.936 I am more patient with love.[br]I am more relaxed. 0:09:19.960,0:09:23.536 I am more confident[br]about asking for what I want. 0:09:23.560,0:09:27.296 But I can also see myself more clearly, 0:09:27.320,0:09:31.576 and I can see that what I want[br]is sometimes more 0:09:31.600,0:09:34.656 than can reasonably be asked for. 0:09:34.680,0:09:38.136 What I want from love is a guarantee, 0:09:38.160,0:09:40.376 not just that I am loved today 0:09:40.400,0:09:42.816 and that I will be loved tomorrow, 0:09:42.840,0:09:48.040 but that I will continue to be loved[br]by the person I love indefinitely. 0:09:49.240,0:09:52.736 Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee 0:09:52.760,0:09:54.736 that people were really asking about 0:09:54.760,0:09:57.480 when they wanted to know[br]if we were still together. 0:09:58.800,0:10:02.736 So the story that the media told[br]about the 36 questions 0:10:02.760,0:10:06.056 was that there might be[br]a shortcut to falling in love. 0:10:06.080,0:10:09.816 There might be a way to somehow[br]mitigate some of the risk involved, 0:10:09.840,0:10:12.456 and this is a very appealing story, 0:10:12.480,0:10:15.656 because falling in love feels amazing, 0:10:15.680,0:10:18.416 but it's also terrifying. 0:10:18.440,0:10:21.016 The moment you admit to loving someone, 0:10:21.040,0:10:23.680 you admit to having a lot to lose, 0:10:24.640,0:10:28.856 and it's true that these questions[br]do provide a mechanism 0:10:28.880,0:10:31.176 for getting to know someone quickly, 0:10:31.200,0:10:33.736 which is also a mechanism for being known, 0:10:33.760,0:10:38.216 and I think this is the thing[br]that most of us really want from love: 0:10:38.240,0:10:42.320 to be known, to be seen, to be understood. 0:10:43.200,0:10:45.136 But I think when it comes to love, 0:10:45.160,0:10:49.656 we are too willing to accept[br]the short version of the story. 0:10:49.680,0:10:53.256 The version of the story that asks,[br]"Are you still together?" 0:10:53.280,0:10:56.400 and is content with a yes or no answer. 0:10:57.560,0:10:59.496 So rather than that question, 0:10:59.520,0:11:03.176 I would propose we ask[br]some more difficult questions, 0:11:03.200,0:11:04.400 questions like: 0:11:05.080,0:11:08.096 How do you decide who deserves your love 0:11:08.120,0:11:09.360 and who does not? 0:11:10.840,0:11:14.096 How do you stay in love[br]when things get difficult, 0:11:14.120,0:11:16.640 and how do you know[br]when to just cut and run? 0:11:17.880,0:11:19.776 How do you live with the doubt 0:11:19.800,0:11:22.816 that inevitably creeps[br]into every relationship, 0:11:22.840,0:11:24.456 or even harder, 0:11:24.480,0:11:26.840 how do you live with your partner's doubt? 0:11:27.800,0:11:31.416 I don't necessarily know[br]the answers to these questions, 0:11:31.440,0:11:36.576 but I think they're an important start[br]at having a more thoughtful conversation 0:11:36.600,0:11:38.760 about what it means to love someone. 0:11:40.080,0:11:42.416 So, if you want it, 0:11:42.440,0:11:46.736 the short version of the story[br]of my relationship is this: 0:11:46.760,0:11:49.856 a year ago, an acquaintance[br]and I did a study 0:11:49.880,0:11:52.576 designed to create romantic love, 0:11:52.600,0:11:54.296 and we fell in love, 0:11:54.320,0:11:56.176 and we are still together, 0:11:56.200,0:11:58.360 and I am so glad. 0:11:59.040,0:12:03.800 But falling in love is not[br]the same thing as staying in love. 0:12:04.440,0:12:06.840 Falling in love is the easy part. 0:12:08.360,0:12:12.736 So at the end of my article, I wrote,[br]"Love didn't happen to us. 0:12:12.760,0:12:16.056 We're in love because we each[br]made the choice to be." 0:12:16.080,0:12:20.256 And I cringe a little[br]when I read that now, 0:12:20.280,0:12:22.576 not because it isn't true, 0:12:22.600,0:12:25.816 but because at the time,[br]I really hadn't considered 0:12:25.840,0:12:29.456 everything that was contained[br]in that choice. 0:12:29.480,0:12:34.696 I didn't consider how many times[br]we would each have to make that choice, 0:12:34.720,0:12:38.296 and how many times I will continue[br]to have to make that choice 0:12:38.320,0:12:42.136 without knowing whether or not[br]he will always choose me. 0:12:42.160,0:12:47.656 I want it to be enough to have asked[br]and answered 36 questions, 0:12:47.680,0:12:52.896 and to have chosen to love someone[br]so generous and kind and fun 0:12:52.920,0:12:57.920 and to have broadcast that choice[br]in the biggest newspaper in America. 0:12:58.880,0:13:01.976 But what I have done instead[br]is turn my relationship 0:13:02.000,0:13:06.176 into the kind of myth[br]I don't quite believe in. 0:13:06.200,0:13:10.456 And what I want, what perhaps[br]I will spend my life wanting, 0:13:10.480,0:13:13.176 is for that myth to be true. 0:13:13.200,0:13:17.976 I want the happy ending[br]implied by the title to my article, 0:13:18.000,0:13:19.496 which is, incidentally, 0:13:19.520,0:13:23.176 the only part of the article[br]that I didn't actually write. 0:13:23.200,0:13:26.496 (Laughter) 0:13:26.520,0:13:31.216 But what I have instead is the chance[br]to make the choice to love someone, 0:13:31.240,0:13:34.696 and the hope that he will choose[br]to love me back, 0:13:34.720,0:13:37.416 and it is terrifying, 0:13:37.440,0:13:39.176 but that's the deal with love. 0:13:39.200,0:13:40.440 Thank you.