WEBVTT 00:00:00.450 --> 00:00:02.200 - Hey everybody, today we're going to talk about 00:00:02.200 --> 00:00:05.760 manipulation, and how to know if it's happening to you. 00:00:05.760 --> 00:00:08.280 But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel? 00:00:08.280 --> 00:00:11.450 Welcome; I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays, 00:00:11.450 --> 00:00:12.650 so make sure you're subscribed 00:00:12.650 --> 00:00:14.320 and have those notifications turned on 00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:15.410 so that you don't miss out. 00:00:15.410 --> 00:00:17.050 Now let's jump into today's topic 00:00:17.050 --> 00:00:20.270 and let's start by defining the term manipulation. 00:00:20.270 --> 00:00:22.440 Because, I find that people use it all the time, 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:24.400 and I just want to ensure that we are all 00:00:24.400 --> 00:00:27.370 talking and thinking about the very same thing. 00:00:27.370 --> 00:00:30.980 Now, to manipulate is to control or play upon 00:00:30.980 --> 00:00:34.980 by artful, unfair, or insidious means, 00:00:34.980 --> 00:00:37.550 especially to one's own advantage. 00:00:37.550 --> 00:00:39.280 And I'd also like to consider what it means 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:40.940 when use the term manipulation 00:00:40.940 --> 00:00:43.430 when it comes to objects, not people. 00:00:43.430 --> 00:00:46.600 Like if I was going to manipulate some clay with my hands, 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:50.790 I am shaping it in a way that pleases or serves me. 00:00:50.790 --> 00:00:52.810 So hopefully that gives you like another idea 00:00:52.810 --> 00:00:55.800 of what the term manipulation truly means. 00:00:55.800 --> 00:00:58.090 Now that we've defined the term manipulation, 00:00:58.090 --> 00:00:59.450 let's get into how we can tell 00:00:59.450 --> 00:01:02.570 if we are being manipulated by someone else. 00:01:02.570 --> 00:01:06.140 And first and foremost, it's a feeling we can get. 00:01:06.140 --> 00:01:07.690 Like, have you ever just felt 00:01:07.690 --> 00:01:09.900 like something was off with someone? 00:01:09.900 --> 00:01:11.550 Or the way that they interacted with you 00:01:11.550 --> 00:01:13.670 was just a little weird? 00:01:13.670 --> 00:01:15.060 Maybe you felt pressure by them 00:01:15.060 --> 00:01:17.210 to do things that you don't really wanna do. 00:01:17.210 --> 00:01:20.960 Or you find yourself questioning your memory or perception 00:01:20.960 --> 00:01:22.400 more than usual. 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:24.930 Those are all red flags that could indicate 00:01:24.930 --> 00:01:26.400 that you're being manipulated. 00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:30.180 Now that rolls into my very first warning sign, 00:01:30.180 --> 00:01:32.420 that you question yourself a lot. 00:01:32.420 --> 00:01:35.590 Remember that video I did a while ago about gaslighting? 00:01:35.590 --> 00:01:38.350 Well, gaslighting is a form of manipulation 00:01:38.350 --> 00:01:39.660 in which a person will tell you 00:01:39.660 --> 00:01:41.790 that the way you remembered something, 00:01:41.790 --> 00:01:45.320 an experience, a situation, is completely incorrect. 00:01:45.320 --> 00:01:47.864 Or that the experience you swear you had 00:01:47.864 --> 00:01:49.970 never really happened. 00:01:49.970 --> 00:01:52.020 They will psychologically manipulate us 00:01:52.020 --> 00:01:53.590 to the point where we can feel 00:01:53.590 --> 00:01:56.310 like we can't even trust ourselves or our own mind. 00:01:56.310 --> 00:01:59.170 It can make you think that you've gone completely crazy. 00:01:59.170 --> 00:02:00.750 So if you find yourself having to 00:02:00.750 --> 00:02:02.720 defend your own memory of things, 00:02:02.720 --> 00:02:05.610 or questioning yourself more than usual, 00:02:05.610 --> 00:02:08.140 it could be a sign that you're being manipulated. 00:02:08.140 --> 00:02:13.140 Red flag number two: if you feel guilty or bad all the time, 00:02:14.530 --> 00:02:17.580 no matter what you do, it never seems to please them. 00:02:17.580 --> 00:02:20.690 They are always upset, disappointed, 00:02:20.690 --> 00:02:22.760 or blaming you for something. 00:02:22.760 --> 00:02:24.900 This can get so bad that we may even feel 00:02:24.900 --> 00:02:27.360 like we are walking on eggshells around them. 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:29.050 They may even play with our emotions, 00:02:29.050 --> 00:02:31.150 telling us how hard things have been for them, 00:02:31.150 --> 00:02:33.120 and that they wouldn't ask us to do this 00:02:33.120 --> 00:02:35.390 if they had any other option. 00:02:35.390 --> 00:02:37.130 You can also feel scared a lot, 00:02:37.130 --> 00:02:39.330 because they are coercing you into doing things 00:02:39.330 --> 00:02:41.770 that you really don't wanna do. 00:02:41.770 --> 00:02:44.690 And when you go and do that thing, you may be scared 00:02:44.690 --> 00:02:47.580 that you'll get caught or hurt while doing it. 00:02:47.580 --> 00:02:49.680 And that's why it's so important to pay attention 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:52.400 to how you feel around people in your life. 00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:56.600 Do you feel happy, safe, free, and relaxed? 00:02:56.600 --> 00:03:00.180 Or scared, guilty, and obligated? 00:03:00.180 --> 00:03:02.280 Start paying attention, so you can protect yourself 00:03:02.280 --> 00:03:05.140 from anyone who may be trying to manipulate you. 00:03:05.140 --> 00:03:07.270 Red flag number three, as I've kind of 00:03:07.270 --> 00:03:08.930 briefly discussed in the others, 00:03:08.930 --> 00:03:10.830 is that they'll somehow get you to do things 00:03:10.830 --> 00:03:12.940 that you wouldn't normally do. 00:03:12.940 --> 00:03:15.180 People who manipulate others will often start 00:03:15.180 --> 00:03:18.180 by asking you to do a small favor for them, 00:03:18.180 --> 00:03:22.580 and work up to asking you for bigger and bigger things. 00:03:22.580 --> 00:03:23.870 They could first just ask you 00:03:23.870 --> 00:03:26.580 to lie to your boss about where they went, you know, 00:03:26.580 --> 00:03:29.770 just this once, and tell you that they had an emergency. 00:03:29.770 --> 00:03:31.180 And you wouldn't normally lie, 00:03:31.180 --> 00:03:33.970 but it's only this once, and it's for a good reason. 00:03:33.970 --> 00:03:37.810 Their asks could build up slowly and slowly 00:03:37.810 --> 00:03:39.210 until you're engaging in things 00:03:39.210 --> 00:03:41.420 that you would never have done before. 00:03:41.420 --> 00:03:42.900 They can also gaslight you 00:03:42.900 --> 00:03:44.550 in conjunction with this warning sign 00:03:44.550 --> 00:03:47.620 in order to get you to do what they want. 00:03:47.620 --> 00:03:49.510 So again, it's important to notice 00:03:49.510 --> 00:03:50.910 how often you are questioning 00:03:50.910 --> 00:03:53.550 your own recollection of a situation. 00:03:53.550 --> 00:03:57.340 Oh, and not all manipulators will start with a small ask. 00:03:57.340 --> 00:04:01.280 Some will ask you for a big, huge, ridiculous favor, 00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:02.950 knowing that you will say no, 00:04:02.950 --> 00:04:05.900 only to then hit you up for something smaller. 00:04:05.900 --> 00:04:09.760 Because they made such an outrageous ask the first time, 00:04:09.760 --> 00:04:11.630 we are even more likely to say yes 00:04:11.630 --> 00:04:13.860 to the smaller ask afterwards, 00:04:13.860 --> 00:04:16.670 even if it's something that we really don't want to do 00:04:16.670 --> 00:04:18.440 or aren't comfortable doing. 00:04:18.440 --> 00:04:21.750 Red flag number four: they put you down 00:04:21.750 --> 00:04:23.831 as often as they can. 00:04:23.831 --> 00:04:27.840 It could be how you dress, or what restaurant you picked. 00:04:27.840 --> 00:04:30.830 Anything they can criticize, they will. 00:04:30.830 --> 00:04:34.060 Just like the favors they ask, this usually starts small, 00:04:34.060 --> 00:04:38.060 and builds up until they're pretty much bullying us. 00:04:38.060 --> 00:04:39.400 Since most of us don't have 00:04:39.400 --> 00:04:41.720 the best or most positive self talk, 00:04:41.720 --> 00:04:44.240 it can be easy for us to agree with them, 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:47.170 or to become extremely self conscious as a result. 00:04:47.170 --> 00:04:51.170 Slowly but surely we will lose our own self confidence 00:04:51.170 --> 00:04:53.700 and feel less empowered to stand up for ourselves, 00:04:53.700 --> 00:04:56.620 which can only make the manipulation worse. 00:04:56.620 --> 00:04:58.970 Because of that, master manipulators 00:04:58.970 --> 00:05:01.690 will often do this first, as a way of ensuring 00:05:01.690 --> 00:05:04.380 their control over us more long-term. 00:05:04.380 --> 00:05:06.010 So make sure that the people in your life 00:05:06.010 --> 00:05:08.800 are speaking kindly to you, and lifting you up. 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.210 Not taking cheap shots, and putting you down 00:05:11.210 --> 00:05:12.870 whenever they feel like it. 00:05:12.870 --> 00:05:14.960 And the fifth and final red flag 00:05:14.960 --> 00:05:16.950 that you may be being manipulated 00:05:16.950 --> 00:05:18.980 is emotional blackmail. 00:05:18.980 --> 00:05:21.410 Now, I find this form of manipulation 00:05:21.410 --> 00:05:23.890 isn't talked about as often, and that could be 00:05:23.890 --> 00:05:26.120 because it's not happening as frequently. 00:05:26.120 --> 00:05:27.790 Or what I suspect, is that people 00:05:27.790 --> 00:05:29.700 don't even know it's happening, 00:05:29.700 --> 00:05:31.500 and they get too wrapped up in the moment 00:05:31.500 --> 00:05:33.680 to consider that they're being used. 00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:35.510 Emotional blackmail is when someone states 00:05:35.510 --> 00:05:37.560 that they will kill themself if you leave, 00:05:37.560 --> 00:05:39.440 or they will die if you break up with them 00:05:39.440 --> 00:05:41.010 or if you happen to leave them. 00:05:41.010 --> 00:05:43.720 They use this threat as a way to control you, 00:05:43.720 --> 00:05:46.060 and to get them to do what they want. 00:05:46.060 --> 00:05:47.630 I personally see this online a lot 00:05:47.630 --> 00:05:49.180 when people reach out to celebrities, 00:05:49.180 --> 00:05:50.520 or even other YouTubers, 00:05:50.520 --> 00:05:52.740 saying they'll kill themselves if they don't respond. 00:05:52.740 --> 00:05:55.100 But this happens in real life as well, 00:05:55.100 --> 00:05:57.900 and they do this in order to keep you under their control, 00:05:57.900 --> 00:06:00.210 and make you feel guilty or shameful 00:06:00.210 --> 00:06:03.210 if you don't cater your life towards their needs. 00:06:03.210 --> 00:06:05.870 Now this form of manipulation is very toxic, 00:06:05.870 --> 00:06:08.200 and should be completely avoided at all costs, 00:06:08.200 --> 00:06:11.270 if you're able to, because no one's wellbeing 00:06:11.270 --> 00:06:13.800 is completely your responsibility. 00:06:13.800 --> 00:06:16.230 We're all responsible for ourselves, 00:06:16.230 --> 00:06:18.800 our choices, and our life. 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:20.510 Now, I could keep talking about 00:06:20.510 --> 00:06:23.800 more and more red flags of manipulation all day, 00:06:23.800 --> 00:06:26.430 but what's really important is how we can 00:06:26.430 --> 00:06:28.480 get out of it and save ourselves. 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:29.940 So let's get into what we can do. 00:06:29.940 --> 00:06:32.760 Now first, if you are ever feeling manipulated 00:06:32.760 --> 00:06:35.310 or hurt by someone you're in a relationship with, 00:06:35.310 --> 00:06:38.350 know that you don't have to continue that relationship. 00:06:38.350 --> 00:06:41.030 And if it's not safe, you don't even 00:06:41.030 --> 00:06:42.700 have to tell them why. 00:06:42.700 --> 00:06:44.540 But you can, and I do recommend, 00:06:44.540 --> 00:06:46.610 trying to talk to them, if it's safe. 00:06:46.610 --> 00:06:48.830 But if it's not, don't do it. 00:06:48.830 --> 00:06:51.730 Just know that you deserve to have relationships 00:06:51.730 --> 00:06:53.840 that are filled with joy, love, 00:06:53.840 --> 00:06:56.930 and mutual respect, not manipulation. 00:06:56.930 --> 00:06:59.708 Now my first tip is to get into therapy. 00:06:59.708 --> 00:07:02.380 If someone has been putting us down, 00:07:02.380 --> 00:07:04.740 making us feel responsible for their wellbeing, 00:07:04.740 --> 00:07:06.270 or getting us to do things that 00:07:06.270 --> 00:07:08.320 we really didn't want to do, 00:07:08.320 --> 00:07:10.150 it's going to take some healing. 00:07:10.150 --> 00:07:12.840 And we need to do that healing in a safe place 00:07:12.840 --> 00:07:14.800 where no one else will hear about it 00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:16.510 and there isn't any judgment. 00:07:16.510 --> 00:07:18.150 Now since manipulation can lead us 00:07:18.150 --> 00:07:20.330 to doing things we didn't want to do, 00:07:20.330 --> 00:07:22.780 the shame and embarrassment we may feel 00:07:22.780 --> 00:07:25.290 can make therapy really, really hard, 00:07:25.290 --> 00:07:27.700 but also very necessary. 00:07:27.700 --> 00:07:28.970 We are going to have to heal from 00:07:28.970 --> 00:07:30.980 any possible trauma we sustained, 00:07:30.980 --> 00:07:34.220 but also help us relearn how to speak kindly to ourselves, 00:07:34.220 --> 00:07:36.080 and trust ourselves again. 00:07:36.080 --> 00:07:38.070 So be patient with this process. 00:07:38.070 --> 00:07:39.970 You weren't manipulated in one day, 00:07:39.970 --> 00:07:42.510 so healing is going to take more than one day as well. 00:07:42.510 --> 00:07:45.030 Number two, boundaries. 00:07:45.030 --> 00:07:46.480 I'm sure you know this one was coming, 00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:50.351 but boundaries are so important in all of our relationships. 00:07:50.351 --> 00:07:52.480 There are things that we will be okay with, 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.950 and other things we won't be comfortable with. 00:07:54.950 --> 00:07:58.390 And learning how to recognize what's okay and not okay 00:07:58.390 --> 00:07:59.880 can take some time. 00:07:59.880 --> 00:08:02.380 So start being more mindful of how you feel, 00:08:02.380 --> 00:08:03.850 when you feel uncomfortable, 00:08:03.850 --> 00:08:06.140 or pushed to do something you don't wanna do. 00:08:06.140 --> 00:08:08.940 And know that it's okay to say no. 00:08:08.940 --> 00:08:10.770 You can practice this in therapy, 00:08:10.770 --> 00:08:12.400 and even spend time with your therapist 00:08:12.400 --> 00:08:14.360 talking through scenarios, 00:08:14.360 --> 00:08:17.110 and whether or not you think that they are okay for you. 00:08:17.110 --> 00:08:19.229 And yes I know, setting up healthy boundaries 00:08:19.229 --> 00:08:22.080 is going to take practice, so be open to it 00:08:22.080 --> 00:08:25.250 being a trial and error sort of process as we get used to 00:08:25.250 --> 00:08:28.290 feeling out what's okay for us and what's not. 00:08:28.290 --> 00:08:31.340 Because we might not have any idea to start off with, 00:08:31.340 --> 00:08:33.350 and that's okay, that's what a therapist 00:08:33.350 --> 00:08:35.580 and supportive friends and family are for. 00:08:35.580 --> 00:08:39.450 Number three, giving yourself time to make decisions. 00:08:39.450 --> 00:08:41.280 Manipulative people will often 00:08:41.280 --> 00:08:45.130 try to get us to sign contracts, purchase things right now, 00:08:45.130 --> 00:08:47.060 or make plans that can't be changed 00:08:47.060 --> 00:08:49.230 in that very same moment. 00:08:49.230 --> 00:08:50.990 So giving yourself time to consider 00:08:50.990 --> 00:08:52.230 what you're signing up for, 00:08:52.230 --> 00:08:54.420 and ask any questions you may have, 00:08:54.420 --> 00:08:56.130 can prevent you from getting sucked into 00:08:56.130 --> 00:08:58.200 something that you don't want to be a part of. 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:00.830 And so know that you can take a breather. 00:09:00.830 --> 00:09:01.790 You can think about it. 00:09:01.790 --> 00:09:03.330 You can get back to them tomorrow. 00:09:03.330 --> 00:09:05.150 If someone's pushing you and pushing always 00:09:05.150 --> 00:09:07.910 to make decisions in the moment right now (snaps fingers), 00:09:07.910 --> 00:09:10.740 something's wrong; that's not how life really works. 00:09:10.740 --> 00:09:12.450 Sure, every once in a blue moon 00:09:12.450 --> 00:09:14.140 something will happen that's really last minute 00:09:14.140 --> 00:09:16.000 and we have to decide right then and there. 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:18.240 But that's not usual. 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:21.020 You should usually be able to take your time, 00:09:21.020 --> 00:09:24.117 consider all the options and what's best for you, 00:09:24.117 --> 00:09:26.560 and then make the decision. 00:09:26.560 --> 00:09:28.150 So just pay attention, and know 00:09:28.150 --> 00:09:29.470 that you have all the time you need 00:09:29.470 --> 00:09:31.904 to make proper decisions that work for you. 00:09:31.904 --> 00:09:34.140 I hope you found that information helpful. 00:09:34.140 --> 00:09:37.300 I know it can be really hard to navigate toxic relationships 00:09:37.300 --> 00:09:39.720 or know what red flags we should be looking out for. 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:41.717 And I have an entire chapter in my book, 00:09:41.717 --> 00:09:44.350 Are U OK? A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health, 00:09:44.350 --> 00:09:45.972 and that whole chapter is all about 00:09:45.972 --> 00:09:48.330 toxic relationships and what we can do 00:09:48.330 --> 00:09:51.330 to better notice them and get out of them safely. 00:09:51.330 --> 00:09:53.414 And as always, leave in the comments down below 00:09:53.414 --> 00:09:55.480 other things that maybe I've missed 00:09:55.480 --> 00:09:56.730 or that you wish I'd mentioned, 00:09:56.730 --> 00:09:58.720 or what's helped you get out of 00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:02.400 these toxic and unhealthy, manipulative relationships. 00:10:02.400 --> 00:10:04.233 And I will see you next time, bye.