- Hey everybody, today
we're going to talk about

manipulation, and how to know
if it's happening to you.

But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

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on Mondays and on Thursdays,

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so that you don't miss out.

Now let's jump into today's topic

and let's start by defining
the term manipulation.

Because, I find that
people use it all the time,

and I just want to ensure that we are all

talking and thinking
about the very same thing.

Now, to manipulate is
to control or play upon

by artful, unfair, or insidious means,

especially to one's own advantage.

And I'd also like to
consider what it means

when use the term manipulation

when it comes to objects, not people.

Like if I was going to manipulate
some clay with my hands,

I am shaping it in a way
that pleases or serves me.

So hopefully that gives
you like another idea

of what the term manipulation truly means.

Now that we've defined
the term manipulation,

let's get into how we can tell

if we are being manipulated
by someone else.

And first and foremost,
it's a feeling we can get.

Like, have you ever just felt

like something was off with someone?

Or the way that they interacted with you

was just a little weird?

Maybe you felt pressure by them

to do things that you
don't really wanna do.

Or you find yourself questioning
your memory or perception

more than usual.

Those are all red flags
that could indicate

that you're being manipulated.

Now that rolls into my
very first warning sign,

that you question yourself a lot.

Remember that video I did a
while ago about gaslighting?

Well, gaslighting is
a form of manipulation

in which a person will tell you

that the way you remembered something,

an experience, a situation,
is completely incorrect.

Or that the experience you swear you had

never really happened.

They will psychologically manipulate us

to the point where we can feel

like we can't even trust
ourselves or our own mind.

It can make you think that
you've gone completely crazy.

So if you find yourself having to

defend your own memory of things,

or questioning yourself more than usual,

it could be a sign that
you're being manipulated.

Red flag number two: if you
feel guilty or bad all the time,

no matter what you do, it
never seems to please them.

They are always upset, disappointed,

or blaming you for something.

This can get so bad that we may even feel

like we are walking on
eggshells around them.

They may even play with our emotions,

telling us how hard
things have been for them,

and that they wouldn't ask us to do this

if they had any other option.

You can also feel scared a lot,

because they are coercing
you into doing things

that you really don't wanna do.

And when you go and do that
thing, you may be scared

that you'll get caught
or hurt while doing it.

And that's why it's so
important to pay attention

to how you feel around
people in your life.

Do you feel happy,
safe, free, and relaxed?

Or scared, guilty, and obligated?

Start paying attention, so
you can protect yourself

from anyone who may be
trying to manipulate you.

Red flag number three, as I've kind of

briefly discussed in the others,

is that they'll somehow
get you to do things

that you wouldn't normally do.

People who manipulate
others will often start

by asking you to do a
small favor for them,

and work up to asking you
for bigger and bigger things.

They could first just ask you

to lie to your boss about
where they went, you know,

just this once, and tell you
that they had an emergency.

And you wouldn't normally lie,

but it's only this once,
and it's for a good reason.

Their asks could build
up slowly and slowly

until you're engaging in things

that you would never have done before.

They can also gaslight you

in conjunction with this warning sign

in order to get you to do what they want.

So again, it's important to notice

how often you are questioning

your own recollection of a situation.

Oh, and not all manipulators
will start with a small ask.

Some will ask you for a
big, huge, ridiculous favor,

knowing that you will say no,

only to then hit you up
for something smaller.

Because they made such an
outrageous ask the first time,

we are even more likely to say yes

to the smaller ask afterwards,

even if it's something that
we really don't want to do

or aren't comfortable doing.

Red flag number four: they put you down

as often as they can.

It could be how you dress, or
what restaurant you picked.

Anything they can criticize, they will.

Just like the favors they ask,
this usually starts small,

and builds up until they're
pretty much bullying us.

Since most of us don't have

the best or most positive self talk,

it can be easy for us to agree with them,

or to become extremely
self conscious as a result.

Slowly but surely we will
lose our own self confidence

and feel less empowered
to stand up for ourselves,

which can only make
the manipulation worse.

Because of that, master manipulators

will often do this first,
as a way of ensuring

their control over us more long-term.

So make sure that the people in your life

are speaking kindly to
you, and lifting you up.

Not taking cheap shots,
and putting you down

whenever they feel like it.

And the fifth and final red flag

that you may be being manipulated

is emotional blackmail.

Now, I find this form of manipulation

isn't talked about as
often, and that could be

because it's not happening as frequently.

Or what I suspect, is that people

don't even know it's happening,

and they get too wrapped up in the moment

to consider that they're being used.

Emotional blackmail is when someone states

that they will kill themself if you leave,

or they will die if you break up with them

or if you happen to leave them.

They use this threat as
a way to control you,

and to get them to do what they want.

I personally see this online a lot

when people reach out to celebrities,

or even other YouTubers,

saying they'll kill themselves
if they don't respond.

But this happens in real life as well,

and they do this in order to
keep you under their control,

and make you feel guilty or shameful

if you don't cater your
life towards their needs.

Now this form of
manipulation is very toxic,

and should be completely
avoided at all costs,

if you're able to,
because no one's wellbeing

is completely your responsibility.

We're all responsible for ourselves,

our choices, and our life.

Now, I could keep talking about

more and more red flags
of manipulation all day,

but what's really important is how we can

get out of it and save ourselves.

So let's get into what we can do.

Now first, if you are
ever feeling manipulated

or hurt by someone you're
in a relationship with,

know that you don't have to
continue that relationship.

And if it's not safe, you don't even

have to tell them why.

But you can, and I do recommend,

trying to talk to them, if it's safe.

But if it's not, don't do it.

Just know that you deserve
to have relationships

that are filled with joy, love,

and mutual respect, not manipulation.

Now my first tip is to get into therapy.

If someone has been putting us down,

making us feel responsible
for their wellbeing,

or getting us to do things that

we really didn't want to do,

it's going to take some healing.

And we need to do that
healing in a safe place

where no one else will hear about it

and there isn't any judgment.

Now since manipulation can lead us

to doing things we didn't want to do,

the shame and embarrassment we may feel

can make therapy really, really hard,

but also very necessary.

We are going to have to heal from

any possible trauma we sustained,

but also help us relearn how
to speak kindly to ourselves,

and trust ourselves again.

So be patient with this process.

You weren't manipulated in one day,

so healing is going to take
more than one day as well.

Number two, boundaries.

I'm sure you know this one was coming,

but boundaries are so important
in all of our relationships.

There are things that
we will be okay with,

and other things we won't
be comfortable with.

And learning how to recognize
what's okay and not okay

can take some time.

So start being more
mindful of how you feel,

when you feel uncomfortable,

or pushed to do something
you don't wanna do.

And know that it's okay to say no.

You can practice this in therapy,

and even spend time with your therapist

talking through scenarios,

and whether or not you think
that they are okay for you.

And yes I know, setting
up healthy boundaries

is going to take
practice, so be open to it

being a trial and error sort
of process as we get used to

feeling out what's okay
for us and what's not.

Because we might not have
any idea to start off with,

and that's okay, that's what a therapist

and supportive friends and family are for.

Number three, giving yourself
time to make decisions.

Manipulative people will often

try to get us to sign contracts,
purchase things right now,

or make plans that can't be changed

in that very same moment.

So giving yourself time to consider

what you're signing up for,

and ask any questions you may have,

can prevent you from getting sucked into

something that you don't
want to be a part of.

And so know that you can take a breather.

You can think about it.

You can get back to them tomorrow.

If someone's pushing
you and pushing always

to make decisions in the moment
right now (snaps fingers),

something's wrong; that's
not how life really works.

Sure, every once in a blue moon

something will happen
that's really last minute

and we have to decide
right then and there.

But that's not usual.

You should usually be
able to take your time,

consider all the options
and what's best for you,

and then make the decision.

So just pay attention, and know

that you have all the time you need

to make proper decisions
that work for you.

I hope you found that information helpful.

I know it can be really hard
to navigate toxic relationships

or know what red flags we
should be looking out for.

And I have an entire chapter in my book,

Are U OK? A Guide to Caring
for Your Mental Health,

and that whole chapter is all about

toxic relationships and what we can do

to better notice them and
get out of them safely.

And as always, leave in
the comments down below

other things that maybe I've missed

or that you wish I'd mentioned,

or what's helped you get out of

these toxic and unhealthy,
manipulative relationships.

And I will see you next time, bye.