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- Hey everybody, today[br]we're going to talk about

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manipulation, and how to know[br]if it's happening to you.

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But before we jump into that,[br]are you new to my channel?

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Welcome; I release videos[br]on Mondays and on Thursdays,

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so make sure you're subscribed

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and have those notifications turned on

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so that you don't miss out.

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Now let's jump into today's topic

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and let's start by defining[br]the term manipulation.

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Because, I find that[br]people use it all the time,

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and I just want to ensure that we are all

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talking and thinking[br]about the very same thing.

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Now, to manipulate is[br]to control or play upon

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by artful, unfair, or insidious means,

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especially to one's own advantage.

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And I'd also like to[br]consider what it means

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when use the term manipulation

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when it comes to objects, not people.

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Like if I was going to manipulate[br]some clay with my hands,

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I am shaping it in a way[br]that pleases or serves me.

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So hopefully that gives[br]you like another idea

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of what the term manipulation truly means.

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Now that we've defined[br]the term manipulation,

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let's get into how we can tell

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if we are being manipulated[br]by someone else.

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And first and foremost,[br]it's a feeling we can get.

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Like, have you ever just felt

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like something was off with someone?

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Or the way that they interacted with you

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was just a little weird?

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Maybe you felt pressure by them

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to do things that you[br]don't really wanna do.

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Or you find yourself questioning[br]your memory or perception

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more than usual.

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Those are all red flags[br]that could indicate

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that you're being manipulated.

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Now that rolls into my[br]very first warning sign,

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that you question yourself a lot.

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Remember that video I did a[br]while ago about gaslighting?

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Well, gaslighting is[br]a form of manipulation

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in which a person will tell you

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that the way you remembered something,

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an experience, a situation,[br]is completely incorrect.

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Or that the experience you swear you had

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never really happened.

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They will psychologically manipulate us

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to the point where we can feel

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like we can't even trust[br]ourselves or our own mind.

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It can make you think that[br]you've gone completely crazy.

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So if you find yourself having to

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defend your own memory of things,

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or questioning yourself more than usual,

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it could be a sign that[br]you're being manipulated.

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Red flag number two: if you[br]feel guilty or bad all the time,

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no matter what you do, it[br]never seems to please them.

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They are always upset, disappointed,

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or blaming you for something.

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This can get so bad that we may even feel

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like we are walking on[br]eggshells around them.

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They may even play with our emotions,

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telling us how hard[br]things have been for them,

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and that they wouldn't ask us to do this

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if they had any other option.

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You can also feel scared a lot,

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because they are coercing[br]you into doing things

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that you really don't wanna do.

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And when you go and do that[br]thing, you may be scared

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that you'll get caught[br]or hurt while doing it.

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And that's why it's so[br]important to pay attention

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to how you feel around[br]people in your life.

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Do you feel happy,[br]safe, free, and relaxed?

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Or scared, guilty, and obligated?

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Start paying attention, so[br]you can protect yourself

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from anyone who may be[br]trying to manipulate you.

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Red flag number three, as I've kind of

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briefly discussed in the others,

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is that they'll somehow[br]get you to do things

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that you wouldn't normally do.

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People who manipulate[br]others will often start

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by asking you to do a[br]small favor for them,

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and work up to asking you[br]for bigger and bigger things.

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They could first just ask you

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to lie to your boss about[br]where they went, you know,

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just this once, and tell you[br]that they had an emergency.

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And you wouldn't normally lie,

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but it's only this once,[br]and it's for a good reason.

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Their asks could build[br]up slowly and slowly

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until you're engaging in things

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that you would never have done before.

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They can also gaslight you

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in conjunction with this warning sign

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in order to get you to do what they want.

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So again, it's important to notice

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how often you are questioning

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your own recollection of a situation.

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Oh, and not all manipulators[br]will start with a small ask.

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Some will ask you for a[br]big, huge, ridiculous favor,

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knowing that you will say no,

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only to then hit you up[br]for something smaller.

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Because they made such an[br]outrageous ask the first time,

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we are even more likely to say yes

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to the smaller ask afterwards,

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even if it's something that[br]we really don't want to do

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or aren't comfortable doing.

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Red flag number four: they put you down

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as often as they can.

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It could be how you dress, or[br]what restaurant you picked.

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Anything they can criticize, they will.

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Just like the favors they ask,[br]this usually starts small,

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and builds up until they're[br]pretty much bullying us.

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Since most of us don't have

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the best or most positive self talk,

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it can be easy for us to agree with them,

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or to become extremely[br]self conscious as a result.

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Slowly but surely we will[br]lose our own self confidence

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and feel less empowered[br]to stand up for ourselves,

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which can only make[br]the manipulation worse.

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Because of that, master manipulators

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will often do this first,[br]as a way of ensuring

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their control over us more long-term.

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So make sure that the people in your life

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are speaking kindly to[br]you, and lifting you up.

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Not taking cheap shots,[br]and putting you down

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whenever they feel like it.

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And the fifth and final red flag

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that you may be being manipulated

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is emotional blackmail.

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Now, I find this form of manipulation

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isn't talked about as[br]often, and that could be

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because it's not happening as frequently.

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Or what I suspect, is that people

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don't even know it's happening,

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and they get too wrapped up in the moment

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to consider that they're being used.

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Emotional blackmail is when someone states

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that they will kill themself if you leave,

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or they will die if you break up with them

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or if you happen to leave them.

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They use this threat as[br]a way to control you,

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and to get them to do what they want.

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I personally see this online a lot

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when people reach out to celebrities,

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or even other YouTubers,

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saying they'll kill themselves[br]if they don't respond.

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But this happens in real life as well,

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and they do this in order to[br]keep you under their control,

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and make you feel guilty or shameful

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if you don't cater your[br]life towards their needs.

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Now this form of[br]manipulation is very toxic,

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and should be completely[br]avoided at all costs,

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if you're able to,[br]because no one's wellbeing

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is completely your responsibility.

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We're all responsible for ourselves,

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our choices, and our life.

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Now, I could keep talking about

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more and more red flags[br]of manipulation all day,

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but what's really important is how we can

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get out of it and save ourselves.

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So let's get into what we can do.

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Now first, if you are[br]ever feeling manipulated

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or hurt by someone you're[br]in a relationship with,

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know that you don't have to[br]continue that relationship.

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And if it's not safe, you don't even

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have to tell them why.

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But you can, and I do recommend,

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trying to talk to them, if it's safe.

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But if it's not, don't do it.

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Just know that you deserve[br]to have relationships

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that are filled with joy, love,

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and mutual respect, not manipulation.

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Now my first tip is to get into therapy.

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If someone has been putting us down,

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making us feel responsible[br]for their wellbeing,

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or getting us to do things that

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we really didn't want to do,

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it's going to take some healing.

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And we need to do that[br]healing in a safe place

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where no one else will hear about it

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and there isn't any judgment.

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Now since manipulation can lead us

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to doing things we didn't want to do,

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the shame and embarrassment we may feel

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can make therapy really, really hard,

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but also very necessary.

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We are going to have to heal from

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any possible trauma we sustained,

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but also help us relearn how[br]to speak kindly to ourselves,

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and trust ourselves again.

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So be patient with this process.

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You weren't manipulated in one day,

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so healing is going to take[br]more than one day as well.

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Number two, boundaries.

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I'm sure you know this one was coming,

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but boundaries are so important[br]in all of our relationships.

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There are things that[br]we will be okay with,

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and other things we won't[br]be comfortable with.

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And learning how to recognize[br]what's okay and not okay

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can take some time.

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So start being more[br]mindful of how you feel,

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when you feel uncomfortable,

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or pushed to do something[br]you don't wanna do.

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And know that it's okay to say no.

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You can practice this in therapy,

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and even spend time with your therapist

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talking through scenarios,

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and whether or not you think[br]that they are okay for you.

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And yes I know, setting[br]up healthy boundaries

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is going to take[br]practice, so be open to it

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being a trial and error sort[br]of process as we get used to

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feeling out what's okay[br]for us and what's not.

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Because we might not have[br]any idea to start off with,

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and that's okay, that's what a therapist

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and supportive friends and family are for.

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Number three, giving yourself[br]time to make decisions.

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Manipulative people will often

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try to get us to sign contracts,[br]purchase things right now,

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or make plans that can't be changed

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in that very same moment.

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So giving yourself time to consider

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what you're signing up for,

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and ask any questions you may have,

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can prevent you from getting sucked into

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something that you don't[br]want to be a part of.

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And so know that you can take a breather.

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You can think about it.

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You can get back to them tomorrow.

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If someone's pushing[br]you and pushing always

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to make decisions in the moment[br]right now (snaps fingers),

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something's wrong; that's[br]not how life really works.

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Sure, every once in a blue moon

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something will happen[br]that's really last minute

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and we have to decide[br]right then and there.

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But that's not usual.

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You should usually be[br]able to take your time,

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consider all the options[br]and what's best for you,

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and then make the decision.

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So just pay attention, and know

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that you have all the time you need

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to make proper decisions[br]that work for you.

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I hope you found that information helpful.

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I know it can be really hard[br]to navigate toxic relationships

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or know what red flags we[br]should be looking out for.

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And I have an entire chapter in my book,

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Are U OK? A Guide to Caring[br]for Your Mental Health,

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and that whole chapter is all about

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toxic relationships and what we can do

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to better notice them and[br]get out of them safely.

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And as always, leave in[br]the comments down below

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other things that maybe I've missed

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or that you wish I'd mentioned,

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or what's helped you get out of

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these toxic and unhealthy,[br]manipulative relationships.

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And I will see you next time, bye.