WEBVTT

00:00:00.760 --> 00:00:05.296
When I was a kid, I was obsessed
with the Guinness Book of World Records,

00:00:05.320 --> 00:00:08.776
and I really wanted
to set a world record myself.

00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:11.496
But there was just one small problem:

00:00:11.520 --> 00:00:13.680
I had absolutely no talent.

00:00:14.520 --> 00:00:17.936
So I decided to set
a world record in something

00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:20.840
that demanded absolutely no skill at all.

00:00:21.840 --> 00:00:24.576
I decided to set a world record

00:00:24.600 --> 00:00:25.800
in crawling.

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:27.680 --> 00:00:30.656
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:30.680 --> 00:00:34.200
Now, the record at the time
was 12 and a half miles,

00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:39.016
and for some reason,
this seemed totally manageable.

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:39.040 --> 00:00:41.200
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:44.136
I recruited my friend Anne,

00:00:44.160 --> 00:00:47.736
and together we decided,
we didn't even need to train.

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:47.760 --> 00:00:51.016
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:00:51.040 --> 00:00:52.856
And on the day of our record attempt,

00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.536
we put furniture pads
on the outside of our good luck jeans

00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:57.960
and we set off,

00:00:58.720 --> 00:01:01.776
and right away, we were in trouble,

00:01:01.800 --> 00:01:03.896
because the denim was against our skin

00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:05.495
and it began to chafe,

00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:08.160
and soon our knees were being chewed up.

00:01:08.920 --> 00:01:10.120
Hours in,

00:01:11.160 --> 00:01:12.360
it began to rain.

00:01:13.520 --> 00:01:15.960
Then, Anne dropped out.

00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:19.360
Then, it got dark.

00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:23.496
Now, by now, my knees
were bleeding through my jeans,

00:01:23.520 --> 00:01:25.736
and I was hallucinating from the cold

00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:28.456
and the pain and the monotony.

00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:32.000
And to give you an idea
of the suffer-fest that I was undergoing,

00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:37.240
the first lap around
the high school track took 10 minutes.

00:01:37.880 --> 00:01:40.680
The last lap took almost 30.

NOTE Paragraph

00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.416
After 12 hours of crawling,

00:01:46.440 --> 00:01:47.776
I stopped,

00:01:47.800 --> 00:01:50.680
and I had gone eight and a half miles.

00:01:51.880 --> 00:01:55.536
So I was short of
the 12-and-a-half-mile record.

NOTE Paragraph

00:01:55.560 --> 00:02:00.096
Now, for many years, I thought
this was a story of abject failure,

00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:02.616
but today I see it differently,

00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:05.496
because when I was
attempting the world record,

00:02:05.520 --> 00:02:07.016
I was doing three things.

00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:09.376
I was getting outside my comfort zone,

00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.656
I was calling upon my resilience,

00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:14.416
and I was finding confidence in myself

00:02:14.440 --> 00:02:15.840
and my own decisions.

00:02:16.440 --> 00:02:17.696
I didn't know it then,

00:02:17.720 --> 00:02:20.640
but those are not
the attributes of failure.

00:02:21.480 --> 00:02:24.080
Those are the attributes of bravery.

NOTE Paragraph

00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:27.856
Now, in 1989, at the age of 26,

00:02:27.880 --> 00:02:30.120
I became a San Francisco firefighter,

00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:34.976
and I was the 15th woman
in a department of 1,500 men.

NOTE Paragraph

00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:38.760
(Applause)

NOTE Paragraph

00:02:41.240 --> 00:02:43.096
And as you can imagine, when I arrived

00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:45.816
there were many doubts
about whether we could do the job.

00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:51.176
So even though I was a 5'10",
150-pound collegiate rower,

00:02:51.200 --> 00:02:55.576
and someone who could endure
12 hours of searing knee pain --

NOTE Paragraph

00:02:55.600 --> 00:02:57.216
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:02:57.240 --> 00:03:00.256
I knew I still had to prove
my strength and fitness.

NOTE Paragraph

00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:02.096
So one day a call came in for a fire,

00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:04.359
and sure enough,
when my engine group pulled up,

00:03:04.383 --> 00:03:08.416
there was black smoke billowing
from a building off an alleyway.

00:03:08.440 --> 00:03:10.656
And I was with a big guy named Skip,

00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.416
and he was on the nozzle,
and I was right behind,

00:03:13.440 --> 00:03:15.256
and it was a typical sort of fire.

00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:18.160
It was smoky, it was hot,

00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:20.376
and all of a sudden,

00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:22.176
there was an explosion,

00:03:22.200 --> 00:03:24.376
and Skip and I were blown backwards,

00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:26.536
my mask was knocked sideways,

00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:28.816
and there was this moment of confusion.

00:03:28.840 --> 00:03:32.256
And then I picked myself up,

00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:34.096
I groped for the nozzle,

00:03:34.120 --> 00:03:36.616
and I did what a firefighter
was supposed to do:

00:03:36.640 --> 00:03:38.376
I lunged forward,

00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:39.856
opened up the water

00:03:39.880 --> 00:03:41.760
and I tackled the fire myself.

00:03:42.720 --> 00:03:44.976
The explosion had been caused
by a water heater,

00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:47.696
so nobody was hurt,
and ultimately it was not a big deal,

00:03:47.720 --> 00:03:50.976
but later Skip came up to me and said,

00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:52.736
"Nice job, Caroline,"

00:03:52.760 --> 00:03:55.056
in this surprised sort of voice.

NOTE Paragraph

00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:56.680
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:03:57.600 --> 00:04:01.416
And I was confused, because
the fire hadn't been difficult physically,

00:04:01.440 --> 00:04:05.760
so why was he looking at me
with something like astonishment?

00:04:06.480 --> 00:04:08.136
And then it became clear:

00:04:08.160 --> 00:04:11.296
Skip, who was by the way a really nice guy

00:04:11.320 --> 00:04:13.536
and an excellent firefighter,

00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:16.935
not only thought
that women could not be strong,

00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:20.000
he thought that they
could not be brave either.

00:04:20.760 --> 00:04:22.360
And he wasn't the only one.

00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:25.816
Friends, acquaintances and strangers,

00:04:25.840 --> 00:04:27.896
men and women throughout my career

00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:29.376
ask me over and over,

00:04:29.400 --> 00:04:33.336
"Caroline, all that fire, all that danger,

00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:34.600
aren't you scared?"

00:04:35.320 --> 00:04:38.200
Honestly, I never heard
a male firefighter asked this.

00:04:38.920 --> 00:04:40.440
And I became curious.

00:04:41.200 --> 00:04:44.360
Why wasn't bravery expected of women?

NOTE Paragraph

00:04:45.760 --> 00:04:47.536
Now, the answer began to come

00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:49.296
when a friend of mine lamented to me

00:04:49.320 --> 00:04:51.776
that her young daughter
was a big scaredy-cat,

00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:53.736
and so I began to notice,

00:04:53.760 --> 00:04:56.456
and yes, the daughter was anxious,

00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:59.240
but more than that,
the parents were anxious.

00:05:00.120 --> 00:05:03.376
Most of what they said to her
when she was outside began with,

00:05:03.400 --> 00:05:07.000
"Be careful," "Watch out," or "No."

00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:11.576
Now, my friends were not bad parents.

00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:14.296
They were just doing what most parents do,

00:05:14.320 --> 00:05:18.320
which is cautioning their daughters
much more than they caution their sons.

NOTE Paragraph

00:05:19.440 --> 00:05:23.520
There was a study involving
a playground fire pole, ironically,

00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:28.576
in which researchers saw that little girls
were very likely to be warned

00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:32.296
by both their moms and dads
about the fire pole's risk,

00:05:32.320 --> 00:05:35.776
and if the little girls
still wanted to play on the fire pole,

00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:38.520
a parent was very likely to assist her.

00:05:39.280 --> 00:05:40.560
But the little boys?

00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.936
They were encouraged
to play on the fire pole

00:05:43.960 --> 00:05:46.896
despite any trepidations
that they might have,

00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:52.040
and often the parents offered
guidance on how to use it on their own.

00:05:53.480 --> 00:05:57.440
So what message does this send
to both boys and girls?

00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:01.856
Well, that girls are fragile
and more in need of help,

00:06:01.880 --> 00:06:05.920
and that boys can and should
master difficult tasks by themselves.

00:06:06.520 --> 00:06:09.256
It says that girls should be fearful

00:06:09.280 --> 00:06:11.600
and boys should be gutsy.

NOTE Paragraph

00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:15.656
Now, the irony is that at this young age,

00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:18.176
girls and boys are actually
very alike physically.

00:06:18.200 --> 00:06:20.856
In fact, girls are often
stronger until puberty,

00:06:20.880 --> 00:06:22.120
and more mature.

00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:24.456
And yet we adults act

00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:26.816
as if girls are more fragile

00:06:26.840 --> 00:06:28.776
and more in need of help,

00:06:28.800 --> 00:06:30.480
and they can't handle as much.

00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:33.736
This is the message
that we absorb as kids,

00:06:33.760 --> 00:06:37.456
and this is the message
that fully permeates as we grow up.

00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:39.936
We women believe it, men believe it,

00:06:39.960 --> 00:06:41.496
and guess what?

00:06:41.520 --> 00:06:44.856
As we become parents,
we pass it on to our children,

00:06:44.880 --> 00:06:46.200
and so it goes.

NOTE Paragraph

00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:49.216
Well, so now I had my answer.

00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:51.816
This is why women, even firewomen,

00:06:51.840 --> 00:06:53.936
were expected to be scared.

00:06:53.960 --> 00:06:57.040
This is why women often are scared.

NOTE Paragraph

00:06:57.920 --> 00:07:01.056
Now, I know some of you
won't believe me when I tell you this,

00:07:01.080 --> 00:07:03.560
but I am not against fear.

00:07:04.200 --> 00:07:08.016
I know it's an important emotion,
and it's there to keep us safe.

00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:11.216
But the problem is
when fear is the primary reaction

00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:13.576
that we teach and encourage in girls

00:07:13.600 --> 00:07:16.240
whenever they face something
outside their comfort zone.

NOTE Paragraph

00:07:17.760 --> 00:07:20.400
So I was a paraglider pilot
for many years --

NOTE Paragraph

00:07:21.800 --> 00:07:23.696
(Applause)

NOTE Paragraph

00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:26.136
and a paraglider is a parachute-like wing,

00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:29.896
and it does fly very well,

00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:32.816
but to many people I realize
it looks just like a bedsheet

00:07:32.840 --> 00:07:34.336
with strings attached.

NOTE Paragraph

00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:35.536
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:38.016
And I spent a lot of time on mountaintops

00:07:38.040 --> 00:07:39.616
inflating this bedsheet,

00:07:39.640 --> 00:07:41.320
running off and flying.

00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:44.136
And I know what you're thinking.

00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:47.440
You're like, Caroline,
a little fear would make sense here.

00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:50.656
And you're right, it does.

00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:53.176
I assure you, I did feel fear.

00:07:53.200 --> 00:07:54.456
But on that mountaintop,

00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:56.536
waiting for the wind
to come in just right,

00:07:56.560 --> 00:07:58.776
I felt so many other things, too:

00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:01.080
exhilaration, confidence.

00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:03.776
I knew I was a good pilot.

00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:06.816
I knew the conditions were good,
or I wouldn't be there.

00:08:06.840 --> 00:08:10.376
I knew how great it was going to be
a thousand feet in the air.

00:08:10.400 --> 00:08:13.016
So yes, fear was there,

00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:15.216
but I would take a good hard look at it,

00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:17.896
assess just how relevant it was

00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:20.256
and then put it where it belonged,

00:08:20.280 --> 00:08:21.696
which was more often than not

00:08:21.720 --> 00:08:25.696
behind my exhilaration, my anticipation

00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:26.920
and my confidence.

00:08:27.400 --> 00:08:29.416
So I'm not against fear.

00:08:29.440 --> 00:08:31.960
I'm just pro-bravery.

NOTE Paragraph

00:08:34.520 --> 00:08:37.736
Now, I'm not saying
your girls must be firefighters

00:08:37.760 --> 00:08:39.976
or that they should be paragliders,

00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:44.760
but I am saying that we are raising
our girls to be timid, even helpless,

00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:49.216
and it begins when we caution them
against physical risk.

00:08:49.240 --> 00:08:51.856
The fear we learn
and the experiences we don't

00:08:51.880 --> 00:08:53.696
stay with us as we become women

00:08:53.720 --> 00:08:57.976
and morphs into all those things
that we face and try to shed:

00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:00.296
our hesitation in speaking out,

00:09:00.320 --> 00:09:02.976
our deference so that we can be liked

00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:05.720
and our lack of confidence
in our own decisions.

NOTE Paragraph

00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:09.280
So how do we become brave?

00:09:10.440 --> 00:09:12.216
Well, here's the good news.

00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:14.216
Bravery is learned,

00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:15.656
and like anything learned,

00:09:15.680 --> 00:09:17.520
it just needs to be practiced.

00:09:18.040 --> 00:09:19.616
So first,

00:09:19.640 --> 00:09:21.336
we have to take a deep breath

00:09:21.360 --> 00:09:23.416
and encourage our girls

00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:26.136
to skateboard, climb trees

00:09:26.160 --> 00:09:28.720
and clamber around
on that playground fire pole.

00:09:29.480 --> 00:09:31.656
This is what my own mother did.

00:09:31.680 --> 00:09:33.456
She didn't know it then,

00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:35.776
but researchers have a name for this.

00:09:35.800 --> 00:09:37.896
They call it risky play,

00:09:37.920 --> 00:09:42.376
and studies show that risky play
is really important for kids, all kids,

00:09:42.400 --> 00:09:44.976
because it teaches hazard assessment,

00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:47.176
it teaches delayed gratification,

00:09:47.200 --> 00:09:48.976
it teaches resilience,

00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:50.320
it teaches confidence.

00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:52.536
In other words,

00:09:52.560 --> 00:09:55.856
when kids get outside
and practice bravery,

00:09:55.880 --> 00:09:59.040
they learn valuable life lessons.

NOTE Paragraph

00:10:00.600 --> 00:10:05.336
Second, we have to stop
cautioning our girls willy-nilly.

00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:07.776
So notice next time you say,

00:10:07.800 --> 00:10:09.656
"Watch out, you're going to get hurt,"

00:10:09.680 --> 00:10:11.760
or, "Don't do that, it's dangerous."

00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:16.056
And remember that often
what you're really telling her

00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:18.496
is that she shouldn't be pushing herself,

00:10:18.520 --> 00:10:20.696
that she's really not good enough,

00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:22.520
that she should be afraid.

NOTE Paragraph

00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:25.520
Third,

00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:29.080
we women have to start
practicing bravery, too.

00:10:29.880 --> 00:10:33.040
We cannot teach our girls
until we teach ourselves.

00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:35.856
So here's another thing:

00:10:35.880 --> 00:10:38.976
fear and exhilaration

00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:40.760
feel very similar --

00:10:41.760 --> 00:10:44.336
the shaky hands,
the heightened heart rate,

00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:45.736
the nervous tension,

00:10:45.760 --> 00:10:47.496
and I'm betting that for many of you

00:10:47.520 --> 00:10:50.336
the last time you thought
you were scared out of your wits,

00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:53.296
you may have been feeling
mostly exhilaration,

00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:55.280
and now you've missed an opportunity.

00:10:55.720 --> 00:10:56.920
So practice.

00:10:57.560 --> 00:11:00.536
And while girls should be getting
outside to learn to be gutsy,

00:11:00.560 --> 00:11:06.656
I get that adults don't want
to get on hoverboards or climb trees,

00:11:06.680 --> 00:11:10.136
so we all should be practicing

00:11:10.160 --> 00:11:12.376
at home, in the office

00:11:12.400 --> 00:11:14.496
and even right here getting up the guts

00:11:14.520 --> 00:11:16.880
to talk to someone that you really admire.

NOTE Paragraph

00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:22.376
Finally, when your girl is, let's say,

00:11:22.400 --> 00:11:24.496
on her bike on the top of the steep hill

00:11:24.520 --> 00:11:27.936
that she insists
she's too scared to go down,

00:11:27.960 --> 00:11:30.080
guide her to access her bravery.

00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:34.976
Ultimately, maybe that hill
really is too steep,

00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:38.920
but she'll come to that conclusion
through courage, not fear.

00:11:39.920 --> 00:11:43.816
Because this is not
about the steep hill in front of her.

00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:45.720
This is about the life ahead of her

00:11:46.400 --> 00:11:48.176
and that she has the tools

00:11:48.200 --> 00:11:50.296
to handle and assess

00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:53.576
all the dangers
that we cannot protect her from,

00:11:53.600 --> 00:11:57.480
all the challenges that we won't
be there to guide her through,

00:11:58.160 --> 00:12:00.616
everything that our girls here

00:12:00.640 --> 00:12:02.016
and around the world

00:12:02.040 --> 00:12:03.840
face in their future.

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:06.200 --> 00:12:07.440
So by the way,

00:12:08.400 --> 00:12:11.176
the world record for crawling today --

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:13.576
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:16.640
is 35.18 miles,

00:12:18.520 --> 00:12:21.976
and I would really love
to see a girl go break that.

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:28.356
(Applause)