WEBVTT

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So a while ago, I tried an experiment.

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For one year, I would say yes
to all the things that scared me.

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Anything that made me nervous,
took me out of my comfort zone,

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I forced myself to say yes to.

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Did I want to speak in public?

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No, but yes.

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Did I want to be on live TV?

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No, but yes.

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Did I want to try acting?

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No, no, no, but yes, yes, yes.

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And a crazy thing happened:

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the very act of doing
the thing that scared me

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undid the fear,

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made it not scary.

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My fear of public speaking,
my social anxiety, poof, gone.

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It's amazing, the power of one word.

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"Yes" changed my life.

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"Yes" changed me.

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But there was one particular yes

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that affected my life
in the most profound way,

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in a way I never imagined,

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and it started with a question
from my toddler.

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I have these three amazing daughters,
Harper, Beckett and Emerson,

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and Emerson is a toddler who inexplicably
refers to everyone as "honey."

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as though she's a Southern waitress.

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(Laughter)

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"Honey, I'm gonna need some milk
for my sippy cup."

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(Laughter)

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The Southern waitress asked me
to play with her one evening

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when I was on my way somewhere,
and I said, "Yes."

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And that yes was the beginning
of a new way of life for my family.

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I made a vow that from now on,

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every time one of my children
asks me to play,

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no matter what I'm doing
or where I'm going,

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I say yes, every single time.

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Almost. I'm not perfect at it,
but I try hard to practice it.

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And it's had a magical effect on me,

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on my children, on our family.

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But it's also had a stunning side effect,

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and it wasn't until recently
that I fully understood it,

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that I understood that saying yes
to playing with my children

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likely saved my career.

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See, I have what most people
would call a dream job.

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I'm a writer. I imagine.
I make stuff up for a living.

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Dream job.

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No.

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I'm a titan.

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Dream job.

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I create television.
I executive produce television.

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I make television,
a great deal of television.

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In one way or another, this TV season,

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I'm responsible for bringing about
70 hours of programming to the world.

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Four television programs,
70 hours of TV --

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(Applause)

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Three shows in production
at a time, sometimes four.

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Each show creates hundreds of jobs
that didn't exist before.

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The budget for one episode
of network television

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can be anywhere
from three to six million dollars.

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Let's just say five.

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A new episode made every nine days
times four shows,

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so every nine days that's
20 million dollars worth of television,

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four television programs, 70 hours of TV,

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three shows in production at a time,
sometimes four,

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16 episodes going on at all times:

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24 episodes of "Grey's,"
21 episodes of "Scandal,"

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15 episodes of
"How To Get Away With Murder,"

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10 episodes of "The Catch,"
that's 70 hours of TV,

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that's 350 million dollars for a season.

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In America, my television shows

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are back to back to back
on Thursday night.

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Around the world, my shows air
in 256 territories in 67 languages

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for an audience of 30 million people.

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My brain is global,

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and 45 hours of that 70 hours of TV
are shows I personally created

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and not just produced,
so on top of everything else,

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I need to find time,
real quiet, creative time,

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to gather my fans around the campfire

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and tell my stories.

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Four television programs, 70 hours of TV,

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three shows in production at a time,

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sometimes four, 350 million dollars,
campfires burning all over the world.

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You know who else is doing that?

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Nobody, so like I said, I'm a titan.

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Dream job.

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(Applause)

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Now, I don't tell you this to impress you.

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I tell you this because I know what you
think of when you hear the word "writer."

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I tell you this so that all of you
out there who work so hard,

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whether you run a company
or a country or a classroom

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or a store or a home,

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take me seriously
when I talk about working,

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so you'll get that I don't
peck at a computer and imagine all day,

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so you'll hear me when I say

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that I understand that a dream job
is not about dreaming.

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It's all job, all work, all reality,
all blood, all sweat, no tears.

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I work a lot, very hard, and I love it.

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When I'm hard at work,
when I'm deep in it,

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there is no other feeling.

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For me, my work is at all times
building a nation out of thin air.

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It is manning the troops.
It is painting a canvas.

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It is hitting every high note.
It is running a marathon.

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It is being Beyoncé.

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And it is all of those things
at the same time.

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I love working.

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It is creative and mechanical
and exhausting and exhilarating

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and hilarious and disturbing
and clinical and maternal

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and cruel and judicious,

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and what makes it all so good is the hum.

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There is some kind of shift inside me
when the work gets good.

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A hum begins in my brain,

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and it grows and it grows
and that hum sounds like the open road,

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and I could drive it forever.

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And a lot of people,
when I try to explain the hum,

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they assume that I'm talking
about the writing,

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that my writing brings me joy.

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And don't get me wrong, it does.

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But the hum --

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it wasn't until I started
making television

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that I started working, working and making

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and building and creating
and collaborating,

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that I discovered this thing,
this buzz, this rush, this hum.

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The hum is more than writing.

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The hum is action and activity.
The hum is a drug.

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The hum is music.
The hum is light and air.

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The hum is God's whisper right in my ear.

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And when you have a hum like that,

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you can't help but strive for greatness.

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That feeling, you can't help
but strive for greatness at any cost.

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That's called the hum.

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Or, maybe it's called being a workaholic.

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(Laughter)

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Maybe it's called genius.

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Maybe it's called ego.

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Maybe it's just fear of failure.

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I don't know.

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I just know that
I'm not built for failure,

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and I just know that I love the hum.

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I just know that I want
to tell you I'm a titan,

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and I know that
I don't want to question it.

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But here's the thing:

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the more successful I become,

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the more shows, the more episodes,
the more barriers broken,

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the more work there is to do,

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the more balls in the air,

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the more eyes on me,
the more history stares,

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the more expectations there are.

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The more I work to be successful,

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the more I need to work.

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And what did I say about work?

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I love working, right?

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The nation I'm building,
the marathon I'm running,

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the troops, the canvas,
the high note, the hum,

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the hum, the hum.

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I like that hum. I love that hum.

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I need that hum. I am that hum.

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Am I nothing but that hum?

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And then the hum stopped.

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Overworked, overused,

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overdone, burned out.

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The hum stopped.

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Now, my three daughters
are used to the truth

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that their mother
is a single working titan.

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Harper tells people,

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"My mom won't be there,
but you can text my nanny."

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And Emerson says, "Honey,
I'm wanting to go to ShondaLand."

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They're children of a titan.

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They're baby titans.

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They were 12, 3, and 1
when the hum stopped.

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The hum of the engine died.

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I stopped loving work.
I couldn't restart the engine.

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The hum would not come back.

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My hum was broken.

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I was doing the same things
I always did, all the same titan work,

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15-hour days, working
straight through the weekends,

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no regrets, never surrender,
a titan never sleeps, a titan never quits,

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full hearts, clear eyes, yada, whatever.

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But there was no hum.

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Inside me was silence.

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Four television programs, 70 hours of TV,
three shows in production at a time,

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sometimes four.

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Four television programs, 70 hours of TV,
three shows in production at a time ...

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I was the perfect titan.

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I was a titan you could
take home to your mother.

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All the colors were the same,
and I was no longer having any fun.

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And it was my life.

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It was all I did.

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I was the hum, and the hum was me.

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So what do you do when the thing you do,

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the work you love,
starts to taste like dust?

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Now, I know somebody's out there thinking,

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"Cry me a river,
stupid writer titan lady."

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(Laughter)

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But you know, you do,

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if you make, if you work,
if you love what you do,

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being a teacher, being a banker,
being a mother, being a painter,

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being Bill Gates,

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if you simply love another person
and that gives you the hum,

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if you know the hum,

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if you know what the hum feels like,
if you have been to the hum,

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when the hum stops, who are you?

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What are you?

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What am I?

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Am I still a titan?

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If the song of my heart ceases to play,
can I survive in the silence?

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And then my Southern waitress toddler
asks me a question.

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I'm on my way out the door,
I'm late, and she says,

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"Momma, wanna play?"

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And I'm just about to say no,
when I realize two things.

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One, I'm supposed
to say yes to everything,

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and two, my Southern waitress
didn't call me "honey."

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She's not calling everyone
"honey" anymore.

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When did that happen?

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I'm missing it, being a titan
and mourning my hum,

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and here she is changing
right before my eyes.

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And so she says, "Momma, wanna play?"

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And I say, "Yes."

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There's nothing special about it.

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We play, and we're joined by her sisters,

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and there's a lot of laughing,

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and I give a dramatic reading
from the book Everybody Poops.

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Nothing out of the ordinary.

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(Laughter)

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And yet, it is extraordinary,

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because in my pain and my panic,

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in the homelessness of my humlessness,

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I have nothing to do but pay attention.

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I focus.

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I am still.

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The nation I'm building,
the marathon I'm running,

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the troops, the canvas,
the high note does not exist.

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All that exists are sticky fingers

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and gooey kisses
and tiny voices and crayons

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and that song about letting go

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of whatever it is that Frozen girl
needs to let go of.

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(Laughter)

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It's all peace and simplicity.

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The air is so rare in this place for me
that I can barely breathe.

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I can barely believe I'm breathing.

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Play is the opposite of work.

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And I am happy.

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Something in me loosens.

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A door in my brain swings open,

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and a rush of energy comes.

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And it's not instantaneous,
but it happens, it does happen.

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I feel it.

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A hum creeps back.

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Not at full volume, barely there,

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it's quiet, and I have to stay
very still to hear it, but it is there.

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Not the hum, but a hum.

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And now I feel like I know
a very magical secret.

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Well, let's not get carried away.

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It's just love. That's all it is.

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No magic. No secret. It's just love.

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It's just something we forgot.

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The hum, the work hum,
the hum of the titan,

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that's just a replacement.

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If I have to ask you who I am,

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if I have to tell you who I am,

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if I describe myself in terms of shows

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and hours of television
and how globally badass my brain is,

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I have forgotten what the real hum is.

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The hum is not power
and the hum is not work-specific.

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The hum is joy-specific.

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The real hum is love-specific.

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The hum is the electricity
that comes from being excited by life.

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The real hum is confidence and peace.

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The real hum ignores the stare of history,

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and the balls in the air,
and the expectation, and the pressure.

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The real hum is singular and original.

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The real hum is God's whisper in my ear,

00:12:12.560 --> 00:12:14.936
but maybe God was whispering
the wrong words,

00:12:14.960 --> 00:12:17.818
because which one of the gods
was telling me I was the titan?

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:18.800 --> 00:12:20.000
It's just love.

00:12:20.920 --> 00:12:23.896
We could all use a little more love,

00:12:23.920 --> 00:12:25.280
a lot more love.

00:12:26.280 --> 00:12:28.440
Any time my child asks me to play,

00:12:28.920 --> 00:12:30.240
I will say yes.

00:12:31.240 --> 00:12:33.136
I make it a firm rule for one reason,

00:12:33.160 --> 00:12:34.416
to give myself permission,

00:12:34.440 --> 00:12:36.720
to free me from all
of my workaholic guilt.

00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:39.536
It's a law, so I don't have a choice,

00:12:39.560 --> 00:12:41.696
and I don't have a choice,

00:12:41.720 --> 00:12:43.280
not if I want to feel the hum.

NOTE Paragraph

00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.736
I wish it were that easy,

00:12:45.760 --> 00:12:49.336
but I'm not good at playing.

00:12:49.360 --> 00:12:50.920
I don't like it.

00:12:52.440 --> 00:12:56.800
I'm not interested in doing it
the way I'm interested in doing work.

00:12:57.400 --> 00:13:00.656
The truth is incredibly humbling
and humiliating to face.

00:13:00.680 --> 00:13:02.416
I don't like playing.

00:13:02.440 --> 00:13:05.216
I work all the time
because I like working.

00:13:05.240 --> 00:13:09.120
I like working more
than I like being at home.

00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:13.760
Facing that fact
is incredibly difficult to handle,

00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:20.720
because what kind of person
likes working more than being at home?

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:21.640 --> 00:13:23.360
Well, me.

00:13:23.920 --> 00:13:27.176
I mean, let's be honest,
I call myself a titan.

00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:28.576
I've got issues.

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:30.216
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:33.256
And one of those issues
isn't that I am too relaxed.

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:33.280 --> 00:13:35.376
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:13:35.400 --> 00:13:39.080
We run around the yard,
up and back and up and back.

00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:42.176
We have 30-second dance parties.

00:13:42.200 --> 00:13:44.760
We sing show tunes. We play with balls.

00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:47.336
I blow bubbles and they pop them.

00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:52.320
And I feel stiff and delirious
and confused most of the time.

00:13:52.800 --> 00:13:55.480
I itch for my cell phone always.

00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:57.896
But it is OK.

00:13:57.920 --> 00:14:02.776
My tiny humans show me how to live
and the hum of the universe fills me up.

00:14:02.800 --> 00:14:05.776
I play and I play until I begin to wonder

00:14:05.800 --> 00:14:08.800
why we ever stop playing
in the first place.

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:10.760
You can do it too,

00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:14.400
say yes every time
your child asks you to play.

00:14:15.600 --> 00:14:18.496
Are you thinking that maybe
I'm an idiot in diamond shoes?

00:14:18.520 --> 00:14:21.336
You're right, but you can still do this.

00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:23.016
You have time.

00:14:23.040 --> 00:14:26.776
You know why? Because you're not Rihanna
and you're not a Muppet.

00:14:26.800 --> 00:14:29.176
Your child does not think
you're that interesting.

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:30.336
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:30.360 --> 00:14:32.336
You only need 15 minutes.

00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:35.136
My two- and four-year-old
only ever want to play with me

00:14:35.160 --> 00:14:36.576
for about 15 minutes or so

00:14:36.600 --> 00:14:39.616
before they think to themselves
they want to do something else.

00:14:39.640 --> 00:14:43.216
It's an amazing 15 minutes,
but it's 15 minutes.

00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:47.216
If I'm not a ladybug or a piece of candy,
I'm invisible after 15 minutes.

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:47.240 --> 00:14:48.256
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:48.280 --> 00:14:53.016
And my 13-year-old, if I can get
a 13-year-old to talk to me for 15 minutes

00:14:53.040 --> 00:14:54.376
I'm Parent of the Year.

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:54.400 --> 00:14:56.056
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:57.816
15 minutes is all you need.

00:14:57.840 --> 00:15:02.480
I can totally pull off 15 minutes
of uninterrupted time on my worst day.

00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:05.216
Uninterrupted is the key.

00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:08.136
No cell phone, no laundry, no anything.

00:15:08.160 --> 00:15:10.896
You have a busy life.
You have to get dinner on the table.

00:15:10.920 --> 00:15:14.056
You have to force them to bathe.
But you can do 15 minutes.

00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:16.496
My kids are my happy place,
they're my world,

00:15:16.520 --> 00:15:19.016
but it doesn't have to be your kids,

00:15:19.040 --> 00:15:20.456
the fuel that feeds your hum,

00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:23.136
the place where life
feels more good than not good.

00:15:23.160 --> 00:15:25.656
It's not about playing with your kids,

00:15:25.680 --> 00:15:26.936
it's about joy.

00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:29.320
It's about playing in general.

00:15:30.160 --> 00:15:32.096
Give yourself the 15 minutes.

00:15:32.120 --> 00:15:34.296
Find what makes you feel good.

00:15:34.320 --> 00:15:37.600
Just figure it out and play in that arena.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:38.920 --> 00:15:43.096
I'm not perfect at it.
In fact, I fail as often as I succeed,

00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:45.960
seeing friends, reading books,
staring into space.

00:15:46.640 --> 00:15:49.696
"Wanna play?" starts to become shorthand
for indulging myself

00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:53.936
in ways I'd given up on right around
the time I got my first TV show,

00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:56.696
right around the time
I became a titan-in-training,

00:15:56.720 --> 00:16:00.120
right around the time I started
competing with myself for ways unknown.

00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:04.736
15 minutes? What could be wrong
with giving myself my full attention

00:16:04.760 --> 00:16:06.080
for 15 minutes?

00:16:06.520 --> 00:16:08.360
Turns out, nothing.

00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:13.016
The very act of not working has made it
possible for the hum to return,

00:16:13.040 --> 00:16:16.480
as if the hum's engine
could only refuel while I was away.

00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:20.120
Work doesn't work without play.

NOTE Paragraph

00:16:21.400 --> 00:16:24.040
It takes a little time,
but after a few months,

00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:26.216
one day the floodgates open

00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:29.616
and there's a rush, and I find myself
standing in my office

00:16:29.640 --> 00:16:33.736
filled with an unfamiliar melody,
full on groove inside me,

00:16:33.760 --> 00:16:36.536
and around me, and it sends me
spinning with ideas,

00:16:36.560 --> 00:16:39.616
and the humming road is open,
and I can drive it and drive it,

00:16:39.640 --> 00:16:41.400
and I love working again.

00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:45.736
But now, I like that hum,
but I don't love that hum.

00:16:45.760 --> 00:16:47.016
I don't need that hum.

00:16:47.040 --> 00:16:50.216
I am not that hum. That hum is not me,

00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:51.440
not anymore.

00:16:52.040 --> 00:16:55.736
I am bubbles and sticky fingers
and dinners with friends.

00:16:55.760 --> 00:16:56.960
I am that hum.

00:16:57.400 --> 00:16:58.736
Life's hum.

00:16:58.760 --> 00:17:00.056
Love's hum.

00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:04.319
Work's hum is still a piece of me,
it is just no longer all of me,

00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:06.400
and I am so grateful.

00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:09.296
And I don't give a crap
about being a titan,

00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:12.480
because I have never once seen a titan
play Red Rover, Red Rover.

NOTE Paragraph

00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:18.175
I said yes to less work and more play,
and somehow I still run my world.

00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:21.160
My brain is still global.
My campfires still burn.

00:17:21.960 --> 00:17:25.359
The more I play, the happier I am,
and the happier my kids are.

00:17:25.920 --> 00:17:29.176
The more I play,
the more I feel like a good mother.

00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:31.656
The more I play,
the freer my mind becomes.

00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:33.576
The more I play, the better I work.

00:17:33.600 --> 00:17:36.096
The more I play, the more I feel the hum,

00:17:36.120 --> 00:17:38.496
the nation I'm building,
the marathon I'm running,

00:17:38.520 --> 00:17:41.140
the troops, the canvas,
the high note, the hum, the hum,

00:17:41.164 --> 00:17:43.564
the other hum, the real hum,

00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:45.456
life's hum.

00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:46.736
The more I feel that hum,

00:17:46.760 --> 00:17:50.296
the more this strange,
quivering, uncocooned,

00:17:50.320 --> 00:17:51.656
awkward, brand new,

00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:54.200
alive non-titan feels like me.

00:17:55.120 --> 00:17:58.000
The more I feel that hum,
the more I know who I am.

00:17:58.560 --> 00:18:01.680
I'm a writer, I make stuff up, I imagine.

00:18:02.400 --> 00:18:05.256
That part of the job,
that's living the dream.

00:18:05.280 --> 00:18:07.360
That's the dream of the job.

00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:10.880
Because a dream job
should be a little bit dreamy.

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:11.840 --> 00:18:14.760
I said yes to less work and more play.

00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:17.360
Titans need not apply.

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:19.360
Wanna play?

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:19.960 --> 00:18:21.176
Thank you.

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:30.880
(Applause)