Show me your games, I’ll tell you who you are | Niels Weber | TEDxEcublens

Most parents know the struggle of getting their kids away from the abusive use of their phones, laptops or consoles, and most teenagers have heard their parents say a version of “Why are you playing games instead of studying for your exams ?” In this thought-provoking talk, psychotherapist and gamer Niels Weber redefines the role of the screens in a young person’s life, and explain how intelligent communications can make video games and family expectations coexist beyond conflicts.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

As you heard, I'm a psychotherapist.

I work with children, teenagers
and adults who have issues

with screens, social media
video games and television management.

Most of the time, I consult with families

who are suffering
from poor communication,

emotional breakdown, or tensions.

Those family members
are trying to reconnect,

are hoping to reconnect
with each other.

Tonight, I would like to explain

how it's useful
to talk about video games,

and how we should help
young ones deal with video games.

Most of the time, parents are annoyed

that they can not communicate
well with their children anymore.

After chatting with the teenagers,
they usually admit

that they also want to spent
some time with their parents,

not too much - you know,
they are still teenagers -

but at least enough
to have good times together.

The problem is

if you try to explain a video game
to someone who doesn't play it,

it could be very ... confusing.

In my clinical practice
and school interventions,

I've observed that playing video games
has definitely become the norm.

However, young people
have little opportunity

to talk about what they really actually do
on their screens, in this "other world".

It has become an educational
challenge for parents

to join in with their children
as they dive into the digital world.

Yet the parents' guidance
is crucial nowadays

because our youngsters have to learn
how to manage their habits

in preparation for adulthood.

But why spend so much time on a game?

I'm not talking about addiction.

Merely the compulsive need
to play video games is, in my opinion,

more of a symptom
rather than a pathology.

The excessive investment in video
games means something to me.

It's like a call to understand
and to discover

what problem hides beneath.

These cases are often linked

to unhealthy self-esteem,
to lack of attention,

and sometimes to early
hints of depression.

This is Aidan, a fifteen-year-old boy.

But this is also Aidan.

He consults me in my practice
accompanied by his parents

because they complain

that the boy spend to much time
playing the video game "Fortnite".

From his perspective,

Aidan does not believe
that Fortnite is an obstacle.

He just wants his parents to let him be,

and he also thinks

that talking about Fortnite with
his parents is impossible or even risky.

The truth is, in Aidan's mind,

each time the subject of "Fortnite"
is brought at the dinner table,

it is in the middle of a quarrel:

"You have to study!"
"It's time to go to bed!"

"I've told you already four times!"

and moreover, "Your game is stupid!"

(Laughter)

Unfortunately,

Aidan has trouble getting
a feeling of self-worth at school.

But in Fortnite, he is pretty good.

And he loves to spend time in the game

where he meets his friends
who admire him for his gaming skills.

As a result,

Aidan develops the tendency
to play more than he should.

Aidan's biggest problem
is then, feeling misunderstood.

So here I am.

As a psychotherapist,

I have to listen to what
the parents have to say,

but I also have to listen
to what Aidan is trying to tell us.

Of course, Aidan's parents are right
to worry about school and limits.

That is normal.

But what would happen
if Aidan could express

about what he feels
when he plays Fortnite,

and about his accomplishments?

And what if he didn't feel anxious

about telling why he loves
to play the game?

Aidan starts a game
where he meets three of his friends,

and together they will try
to defeat the ninety-six other players

by creating strategies,

communicating with each other,

by working together,
and ... yes, occasionally,

by shooting at anything that moves.

(Laughter)

Aidan, who has difficulty to feel valued,

has invested his time and efforts
in a discipline in which he is competent,

but in which he also receives
criticism from his parents.

In this sense,

video game is not
an enemy to fight against.

It's rather a resource for us, adults,

to understand what Aidan
is really seeking.

If Aidan broke a leg,

a cast would be applied

and we would teach him
to walk with crutches.

A rehabilitation would help him
to progressively give up the crutches.

Sometimes, a video game
can take the role of crutches.

It is then essential that
we understand how it works,

so that we can help the player
progressively reduce it.

Indeed a gamer, no matter the age,

experiences a diverse range
of emotions in front of the screen.

But taken by the euphoria of the game,

they are not always
aware of those emotions.

On the other hand, parents will worry

if they see his child
reacting aggressively.

It is then delusive to think

that children or teenagers know
by their own instinct how to self-manage.

This is a lesson that we,
adults, must help with.

I would like to know how many among you

play video games on consoles,
PC, smartphones, whatever?

Okay. Alright!

Thank you.

So, practically everybody plays.

So the more we open up
the possibility of discussing video games,

the more the concerned player
can break away from his habits

and put into words
what he feels and lives.

This is a known approach for the
treatment of traumatic shock for example.

The more you can narrate
what happened to you,

the less you are focussed to go back in.

You can then take a step back.

Do you know that spectators

and a player
who holds the game pad

do not have the same experience?

Players will focus their attention on the
information they need at a timely moment,

while spectators, overwhelmed
by confusing information,

will focus their attention
on something they already know,

and that often matches
with the violent part of a game.

So players and spectators

are not on the same
level of communication.

Both of them are right,

but both of them are not
talking about the same thing.

By creating narrative spaces,
we can create bridges,

and spectators and players
can finally find a way to communicate.

Of course, there are also
traps involved in video games.

After all, video games are still
a profitable lucrative industry.

But we can equip our youth
to identify these traps

and prepare them to become
responsible adult users.

We talked a lot about the young generation
because we're very concerned for them.

But if childhood and teen age

are turning points in life,

it can be very scary or confusing.

If video games offer a safe spot,
or kind of save spot

where young ones feel
that they are mastering something,

we have to understand
what they are mastering

and how we can propose
complementary activities

calling for that same mastering feeling.

So if we talk a lot
about the young generation,

we must not lose sight

that the same questions,
the same difficulties about video games

can also affect adults.

Consequently, it is of utmost importance
that we work with our youth

to prepare them for the
challenges to come in their future.

This preparation, this coaching

needs the set-up of rules, of frameworks,

and above all respect.

But let's not forget
the emotional dimension.

Let the parents explain to Aidan

why he should sleep at night
rather than during the day.

But during the day, let them allow
Aidan to express what he feels

in order to help him feel
recognized for who he is.

Here is Aidan.

He is now 17 years old.

And by learning
how to talk about his games,

he could express that he really
likes to be part of a team.

His father took some time
to watch him play

and to understand how the game works.

He noticed that Aidan does not play
all that well when he is stressed.

So he tells Aidan how martial arts

helped him keep focus
when he was Aidan's age.

So now, on the family fridge,

are pinned Aidan's high scores
just beside his school report.

In conclusion,

restoring faith and emotional bond
has to start with emotional moments.

Those will lead to a better self respect.

The more we open up
room for our youth

to express what they feel
and live in front of the screen,

the more we help them
not only to learn how to self-manage

but also to know themselves
and their emotions.

The more we show interest
in what interests them,

the more we make them feel
that they're interesting and valued.

By giving this recognition,

we drive away
the risk of excessive gaming.

Tonight, in my example,
I used video games,

but it could be anything else
such as social media.

Tell me about your games,
tell me who you are!

Thank you.

(Applause)