How working couples can best support each other
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0:01 - 0:03It may sound strange to bring up work,
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0:03 - 0:04but when we fall in love,
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0:04 - 0:07we often consider
what that love will do to our life, -
0:07 - 0:11and our work and careers
are a big part of that. -
0:11 - 0:13[The Way We Work]
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0:13 - 0:15[Made possible with
the support of Dropbox] -
0:15 - 0:18All working couples face hard choices,
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0:18 - 0:20and these can feel like a zero-sum game.
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0:20 - 0:23One partner gets offered
a job in another city, -
0:23 - 0:26so the other needs to leave
their job and start over. -
0:26 - 0:29One partner takes on more childcare
and puts their career on hold -
0:29 - 0:32so the other can pursue
an exciting promotion. -
0:32 - 0:35One gains and one loses.
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0:35 - 0:38And while some couples who make
these choices are satisfied, -
0:38 - 0:41others regret them bitterly.
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0:41 - 0:43What makes the difference?
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0:43 - 0:45I've spent the last seven years
studying working couples, -
0:45 - 0:48and I've found that it's not
what couples choose, -
0:48 - 0:50it's how they choose.
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0:50 - 0:53Of course, we can't control
our circumstances, -
0:53 - 0:56nor do we have limitless choices.
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0:56 - 0:57But for those we do,
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0:57 - 0:59how can couples choose well?
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1:00 - 1:04First: start early, long before
you have something to decide. -
1:04 - 1:06The moment you're faced
with a hard choice, -
1:06 - 1:08say, whether one of you
should go back to school -
1:08 - 1:10or take a risky job offer,
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1:10 - 1:11it's too late.
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1:11 - 1:16Choosing well begins with understanding
each other's aspirations early on -- -
1:16 - 1:19aspirations like wanting
to start a small business, -
1:19 - 1:21live close to extended family,
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1:21 - 1:23save enough money
to buy a house of our own -
1:23 - 1:24or have another child.
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1:24 - 1:28Many of us measure our lives
by comparing what we're doing -
1:28 - 1:30with our aspirations.
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1:30 - 1:32When the gap is small,
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1:32 - 1:33we feel content.
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1:33 - 1:35When it's large,
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1:35 - 1:36we feel unhappy.
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1:36 - 1:37And if we're part of a couple,
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1:37 - 1:40we place at least some of that blame
with our partner. -
1:40 - 1:43Set aside time at least twice a year
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1:43 - 1:45to discuss your aspirations.
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1:45 - 1:49I'm a big fan of keeping a written record
of these conversations. -
1:49 - 1:51Putting pen to paper with our partners
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1:51 - 1:54helps us remember each other's aspirations
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1:54 - 1:57and that we're writing
the story of our lives together. -
1:57 - 1:59Next: eliminate options
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1:59 - 2:01that don't support the life
you want to live together. -
2:01 - 2:06You can do this agreeing on boundaries
that make hard choices easier. -
2:06 - 2:10Boundaries like geography:
Where would you like to live and work? -
2:10 - 2:15Time: How many working hours a week
will make family life possible? -
2:15 - 2:18Travel: How much work travel
can you really stand? -
2:18 - 2:22Once you've agreed to your boundaries,
the choice becomes easy -
2:22 - 2:25when faced with an opportunity
that falls outside of them. -
2:25 - 2:27"I'm not going to interview for that job,
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2:27 - 2:30because we've agreed we don't
want to move across country." -
2:30 - 2:32Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime
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2:32 - 2:36because we've agreed it's essential
we spend more time together as a family." -
2:36 - 2:39Couples who understand
each other's aspirations -
2:39 - 2:41and commit to strong boundaries
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2:41 - 2:46can let go of seemingly attractive
opportunities without regret. -
2:46 - 2:49If you're faced with an opportunity
that falls within your boundaries, -
2:49 - 2:52then what matters is
that the choices you make -
2:52 - 2:55keep your couple in balance over time,
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2:55 - 2:58even if they don't perfectly align
with both partners' aspirations -
2:58 - 3:00at the same time.
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3:00 - 3:03If your choices are mainly
driven by one partner -
3:03 - 3:06or support one partner's aspirations
more than the other, -
3:06 - 3:09an imbalance of power will develop.
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3:09 - 3:11That imbalance, I've found,
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3:11 - 3:15is the reason most
working couples who fail do so. -
3:15 - 3:18Eventually, one gets fed up
with being a prop -
3:18 - 3:19rather than a partner.
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3:19 - 3:21To avoid this,
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3:21 - 3:23track your decisions over time.
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3:23 - 3:26Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,
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3:26 - 3:29there's no need to keep a detailed record
of every decision you make. -
3:29 - 3:34Just keep an open conversation going
about how able each of you feel -
3:34 - 3:36to shape decisions that affect you both.
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3:37 - 3:39How will you know you've chosen well?
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3:39 - 3:41One common misunderstanding
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3:41 - 3:44is that you can only know
what choice is right in hindsight. -
3:44 - 3:46And maybe it's true
we judge life backwards, -
3:46 - 3:48but we must live it forwards.
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3:48 - 3:51I've found that couples
who look back on a choice as a good one -
3:51 - 3:54did so not just because
of the outcome eventually; -
3:54 - 3:59they did it because that choice empowered
them individually and as a couple -
3:59 - 4:01as they made it.
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4:01 - 4:03It wasn't what they chose,
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4:03 - 4:05it was that they were
choosing deliberately, -
4:05 - 4:09and that made them feel
closer and freer together.
- Title:
- How working couples can best support each other
- Speaker:
- Jennifer Petriglieri
- Description:
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It's possible to have a successful career AND a successful marriage. Professor and author Jennifer Petriglieri explains how you and your partner can make choices that work for your life together -- without sacrificing your individual aspirations.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 04:09
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How working couples can best support each other |