Let's get honest about our money problems
-
0:01 - 0:03Have you every had to break
your family's rules? -
0:04 - 0:07Today, I'm breaking mine,
-
0:07 - 0:10around money, secrecy and shame.
-
0:12 - 0:16In 2006, on my brother Keith's
40th birthday, he called. -
0:17 - 0:20"Tam, I'm in dire straits.
-
0:21 - 0:23I wouldn't ask unless I had to.
-
0:24 - 0:27Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"
-
0:29 - 0:31This wasn't the first time
he needed quick cash, -
0:31 - 0:34but this time, his voice frightened me.
-
0:36 - 0:40I had never heard him
so beaten down and shameful, -
0:42 - 0:44and it was on his 40th birthday.
-
0:50 - 0:53After a few basic questions
that we would all ask, -
0:54 - 0:57I agreed to loan him the money,
but under one condition: -
0:58 - 1:01that as the financial
professional in the family, -
1:01 - 1:03I wanted to meet with him and his wife
-
1:03 - 1:05to see what was really happening.
-
1:06 - 1:09Weeks later, we met
at the local Starbucks, -
1:09 - 1:13and I started right in
with the tough-love budget conversation. -
1:14 - 1:19"You should sell the house,
downsize to something you can afford, -
1:19 - 1:21sell the toys.
-
1:21 - 1:22And Starbucks?
-
1:22 - 1:24Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."
-
1:25 - 1:29You know, all the trappings that we do
to keep up with the Joneses. -
1:31 - 1:34Quickly, my brother and his wife
went into a fearsome blame game, -
1:35 - 1:37and it got messy.
-
1:38 - 1:43I vacillated between therapist
and pissed-off sister. -
1:44 - 1:46I wanted them to be better than this.
-
1:46 - 1:49"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
-
1:50 - 1:52You're parents.
-
1:52 - 1:54Grow up and buck up."
-
1:56 - 1:59After we left, I called my mom,
-
2:00 - 2:02but Keith beat me to it,
-
2:02 - 2:05and he told her that I wasn't helpful.
-
2:06 - 2:09In fact, he was hurt
and felt ganged-up on. -
2:12 - 2:19Of course he did. I shamed him
with my tough-love budget conversation. -
2:21 - 2:24Two months went by when I received a call.
-
2:25 - 2:27"Tam? I have bad news.
-
2:29 - 2:31Keith committed suicide last night."
-
2:36 - 2:39Days later, at his home,
I went looking for answers, -
2:41 - 2:43in his "office" -- the garage.
-
2:44 - 2:49There, I found a stack
of overdue credit card bills -
2:49 - 2:53and a foreclosure notice served to him
on the day that he died. -
3:13 - 3:17My brother left behind
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter, -
3:18 - 3:23his brilliant 18-year-old son,
weeks before his high school graduation, -
3:23 - 3:25and his wife of 20 years.
-
3:26 - 3:28How did this happen?
-
3:30 - 3:35My brother was caught
in our family's money-shame cycle, -
3:35 - 3:37and he was far from alone in this.
-
3:38 - 3:44Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
-
3:44 - 3:47have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
-
3:48 - 3:52Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
-
3:52 - 3:55were present in nearly
40 percent of the deaths, -
3:55 - 4:00with white middle-aged men
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides. -
4:02 - 4:04What I've learned
-
4:04 - 4:11is that our self-destructive
and self-defeating financial behaviors -
4:11 - 4:15are not driven
by our rational, logical minds. -
4:15 - 4:22Instead, they are a product
of our subconscious belief systems -
4:22 - 4:24rooted in our childhoods
-
4:24 - 4:26and so deeply ingrained in us,
-
4:26 - 4:31they shape the way that we deal with money
our entire adult lives, -
4:31 - 4:38and so many of you are left believing
that you're lazy, -
4:38 - 4:42crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
-
4:43 - 4:46This is what I call money shame.
-
4:47 - 4:51Dr. Brené Brown,
a well-known shame researcher, -
4:51 - 4:57defines shame as "the intensely
painful feeling or experience -
4:57 - 5:01of believing that we are flawed,
-
5:01 - 5:04and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging." -
5:06 - 5:10Based on this definition,
here's how I'm defining money shame: -
5:11 - 5:14"the intensely painful
feeling or experience -
5:14 - 5:17of believing that we are flawed,
-
5:17 - 5:20and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging, -
5:20 - 5:22based on our bank account balances,
-
5:24 - 5:28our debts, our homes, our cars
-
5:28 - 5:30and our job titles."
-
5:32 - 5:34Let me give you a couple
of examples of what I mean. -
5:36 - 5:38I believe that we all have money shame,
-
5:38 - 5:42whether you earn
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million, -
5:42 - 5:46and it's because we give money
all of our power. -
5:48 - 5:52Here's what it would look like
if someone that you love, or you, -
5:52 - 5:54might have money shame.
-
5:54 - 5:57They play the big shot,
always picking up the check, -
5:57 - 6:00financially rescuing family and friends.
-
6:00 - 6:03They are financially secure,
-
6:03 - 6:06but they live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness. -
6:08 - 6:15They drive a Mercedes, but their budget
really only can afford a Honda. -
6:16 - 6:19And they're looking good at every cost.
-
6:21 - 6:25I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame, -
6:25 - 6:26because I did.
-
6:27 - 6:31Shortly after my brother's death,
the Recession hit. -
6:32 - 6:35I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.
-
6:36 - 6:40Secretly, I was terrified.
-
6:41 - 6:47I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong, -
6:47 - 6:51told myself, "What did you do?
What happened?" -
6:52 - 6:57I stayed silent, while all along,
I went outside and smiled. -
6:58 - 6:59Nobody knew.
-
7:00 - 7:01That's money shame.
-
7:03 - 7:08So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had -
7:08 - 7:10on knowing all the answers.
-
7:10 - 7:12I was the know-it-all in my family,
-
7:14 - 7:18and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan -
7:18 - 7:20was the solution.
-
7:21 - 7:26And so just like everything
in my life, for me, -
7:26 - 7:30I was sent a human to help,
-
7:31 - 7:33and I accepted the help,
-
7:34 - 7:37but I had to do major self-inquiry
-
7:37 - 7:41about my family's money history
-
7:41 - 7:42and my money beliefs.
-
7:45 - 7:49We have to start having this conversation.
-
7:49 - 7:51Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
-
7:52 - 7:58We have to get honest with each other
that we're suffering with money issues, -
7:58 - 8:03and let's get real -- we have to stop
numbing out our pain. -
8:04 - 8:08In order to uncover the painful parts
-
8:08 - 8:10of your money story
and your money history, -
8:11 - 8:13you can't be numb.
-
8:14 - 8:19We have to let go of our past
in order to be free. -
8:21 - 8:25Letting go of the past
happens through surrender, -
8:25 - 8:27faith and forgiveness.
-
8:27 - 8:32Debt is the tangible manifestation
of not forgiving. -
8:33 - 8:37If you have debt, you've not
completely forgiven your past, -
8:37 - 8:41so it's our work
to forgive ourselves and others -
8:41 - 8:43so that we can live freely.
-
8:43 - 8:46Otherwise, our history
will continue to repeat. -
8:48 - 8:52This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one, -
8:52 - 8:54but it's a slow wake-up.
-
8:54 - 8:56This is another level of work.
-
8:56 - 9:00We have to go higher to get it,
-
9:00 - 9:01to get at it.
-
9:02 - 9:05So try this: follow your dollars.
-
9:05 - 9:09Your money will show you
right away what you value. -
9:09 - 9:11Where's it going?
-
9:11 - 9:15And then ask yourself:
Do I really value all this stuff? -
9:16 - 9:19And get curious about
what you're feeling when you're spending. -
9:19 - 9:21Are you lonely?
-
9:21 - 9:22Are you bored?
-
9:23 - 9:25Or are you just excited?
-
9:27 - 9:30But there's deeper work
that needs to happen. -
9:30 - 9:33How did you get all these
money beliefs to begin with? -
9:35 - 9:37I call this your money autobiography,
-
9:37 - 9:42and as a money coach, this is
the first step I take with my clients. -
9:43 - 9:46Think back to your earliest
childhood money memory. -
9:47 - 9:49What did it feel like when you got money?
-
9:49 - 9:53Were you excited, proud or confused?
-
9:54 - 9:56And what did you do with the money?
-
9:56 - 10:00Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank? -
10:01 - 10:03And what did you hear your parents say,
-
10:03 - 10:06and what did you see
your parents do with the money? -
10:08 - 10:10My brother and I heard,
-
10:10 - 10:12"More money will make us happy."
-
10:13 - 10:14Every day.
-
10:14 - 10:16"More money will make us happy."
-
10:16 - 10:19And we internalized that
into the money belief -
10:19 - 10:23that our self worth was equal
to our net worth -
10:23 - 10:29as we watched our mom live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness. -
10:29 - 10:33And she numbed the pain
with sugar and shopping. -
10:34 - 10:36So what did we do?
-
10:37 - 10:39Keith played out my mother's life.
-
10:40 - 10:44He was an underearner,
longed to be financially rescued, -
10:44 - 10:46and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
-
10:47 - 10:48I did the opposite.
-
10:49 - 10:52I became a high earner,
-
10:52 - 10:55rescuer,
-
10:55 - 10:58and I numbed the pain out
with self-help books. -
11:00 - 11:03But what we had in common
was our money belief. -
11:03 - 11:05We both believed
that our bank account balance -
11:05 - 11:07was equal to our self worth.
-
11:09 - 11:12Looking back at the Starbucks
meeting with my brother ... -
11:14 - 11:17he didn't need a budget and my judgment.
-
11:18 - 11:21He needed a breakthrough
from his suffering, -
11:21 - 11:23and he needed my compassion.
-
11:24 - 11:27Keith was not able
to be the one to speak up -
11:27 - 11:29and break our family money shame cycle,
-
11:29 - 11:33so he left me to do the work
and share his legacy. -
11:35 - 11:36Change is difficult,
-
11:38 - 11:41but in my family, not changing is fatal.
-
11:43 - 11:44So I did the work,
-
11:44 - 11:49and I have experienced deep
and profound forgiveness, -
11:51 - 11:53and as I stand here today,
-
11:54 - 11:56I am living on purpose,
-
11:57 - 12:01I serve, and money serves me.
-
12:02 - 12:06It only takes one person in your family
-
12:06 - 12:09to break through the money-shame cycle.
-
12:09 - 12:12I want you to be the one.
-
12:13 - 12:14Thank you.
-
12:14 - 12:17(Applause)
- Title:
- Let's get honest about our money problems
- Speaker:
- Tammy Lally
- Description:
-
Struggling to budget and manage finances is common -- but talking honestly and openly about it isn't. Why do we hide our problems around money? In this thoughtful, personal talk, author Tammy Lally encourages us to break free of "money shame" and shows us how to stop equating our bank accounts with our self-worth.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:30
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Krystian Aparta accepted English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for Tammy Lally speaks at TEDxOrlando |