How to come out at work, about anything
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0:00 - 0:01Coming out.
-
0:01 - 0:02Typically we think of this
-
0:02 - 0:05as being an experience
specific to the queer community. -
0:05 - 0:08But we all have things that
we're keeping in our closets. -
0:08 - 0:10It could be something
about our home and family life, -
0:10 - 0:12about our mental or physical health.
-
0:12 - 0:15Maybe you're not allergic
to cats, you just don't like them. -
0:15 - 0:16I feel you on that one.
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0:16 - 0:18Whatever it is that you're
keeping in your closet, -
0:18 - 0:20it shapes the way
you navigate the world. -
0:20 - 0:22That can include your work life.
-
0:22 - 0:25So how do we go about
disclosing these important, -
0:25 - 0:28but sometimes difficult to talk about
aspects of who we are? -
0:28 - 0:29And when someone comes out to us,
-
0:29 - 0:31what can we best do to
listen and support them? -
0:32 - 0:33[The Way We Work]
-
0:34 - 0:36[Made possible
with the support of Dropbox] -
0:36 - 0:37Hi, my name's Micah.
-
0:37 - 0:39But it hasn't always been.
-
0:39 - 0:41After a year at my current place of work,
-
0:41 - 0:43I started the process
of coming out as trans. -
0:43 - 0:45When I sat down
with human resources to talk -
0:45 - 0:48about how to reintroduce
myself to everybody, -
0:48 - 0:50neither of us had answers.
-
0:50 - 0:53Nobody at my place of work
had come out as trans before, -
0:53 - 0:55but that's what I'm here to offer you.
-
0:55 - 0:56Three tips on how to talk
-
0:56 - 0:58about things that are hard to talk about.
-
0:58 - 1:01And for those of you
on the other side of the conversation, -
1:01 - 1:04I have some advice for you too,
on how you can best listen, -
1:04 - 1:06respond and be an active ally
for your colleague. -
1:06 - 1:08I can't give you the exact words to say,
-
1:08 - 1:10because they should be your own.
-
1:10 - 1:13After all I don't know
what you're keeping in your closet. -
1:13 - 1:14But whatever it might be,
-
1:14 - 1:17I hope these tips
will provide you with a framework -
1:17 - 1:19that's going to help you decide
exactly what you want to say -
1:19 - 1:21and how you want to say it.
-
1:21 - 1:24Know what you want and don't want
out of the conversation. -
1:24 - 1:26To know this, ask yourself questions like,
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1:26 - 1:27do I need anything
-
1:27 - 1:29from the person
that I'm disclosing this to? -
1:29 - 1:31Where do I want the conversation
to go from here, -
1:31 - 1:32if anywhere at all?
-
1:32 - 1:34And how do I want this person
-
1:34 - 1:37to understand my own relationship
with this aspect of who I am? -
1:37 - 1:40So, in my case, I knew
I wanted people to call me -
1:40 - 1:41by my new name and pronouns.
-
1:41 - 1:44But I also didn't want them to avoid me
-
1:44 - 1:45out of fear of messing them up.
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1:45 - 1:46This was going to take time.
-
1:46 - 1:49And I wanted this to feel
like any other ordinary fact -
1:49 - 1:51about who I am.
-
1:51 - 1:53So now we know what we want
to communicate. -
1:53 - 1:55Let's talk about how
we're going to say it. -
1:55 - 1:56By setting the tone.
-
1:56 - 1:58You're going to want
to present the information -
1:58 - 2:01in the same way you want
people to respond to it. -
2:01 - 2:03They're going to be looking
and listening for cues -
2:03 - 2:05on what the appropriate response is.
-
2:05 - 2:07Is this something
that you want to be celebrated? -
2:07 - 2:08I'm trans!
-
2:09 - 2:11Or do you want to just address it
and move on with your life? -
2:11 - 2:13Oh, by the way, I'm trans.
-
2:13 - 2:16There's no one right way
to say it for everybody. -
2:16 - 2:18What's most important here
is what's right for you. -
2:18 - 2:19Another note,
-
2:19 - 2:21we're not going to be able
to control the way -
2:21 - 2:23in which everybody responds to this.
-
2:23 - 2:25But what we do have control over
-
2:25 - 2:27is how they understand
our own relationship -
2:27 - 2:28with this part of who we are.
-
2:28 - 2:30So now that we know what we want to say
-
2:30 - 2:31and how we want to say it,
-
2:31 - 2:34where do we want
the conversation to go from here? -
2:34 - 2:36Well, my advice is to give an action item.
-
2:36 - 2:38This will help you keep
control of the conversation -
2:38 - 2:40by giving people direction
-
2:40 - 2:43on what they're supposed
to do or say next. -
2:43 - 2:47I knew I wanted this to feel like
any other ordinary fact about who I am. -
2:47 - 2:49So I decided I was going
to use my coming out -
2:49 - 2:51to solve an ordinary problem.
-
2:51 - 2:53And I sent the following email.
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2:53 - 2:55"Hello all, I need your help.
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2:55 - 2:58I am in the market for a moisturizer
to help with my dry skin. -
2:58 - 3:00I'm also in the process of out as trans.
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3:00 - 3:02I'm changing my name to Micah
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3:02 - 3:04and my pronouns are he, him, his.
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3:04 - 3:07If you have any questions
about my change in pronouns -
3:07 - 3:09or my skin care needs,
-
3:09 - 3:10feel free to send an email
-
3:10 - 3:12to my updated contact information.
-
3:12 - 3:15And I'd also like to note
that while my skin is dry, -
3:15 - 3:16it is not too sensitive.
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3:16 - 3:19We're all going to mess up
my name and my pronouns, -
3:19 - 3:20myself included.
-
3:20 - 3:23So when this happens,
don't panic or cringe! -
3:23 - 3:24Please be kind to yourself
-
3:24 - 3:26as we stumble through
these growing pains together. -
3:26 - 3:29I'm fortunate and grateful
to work in a place -
3:29 - 3:31where I feel embraced in any form,
-
3:31 - 3:35be it as a transgender man
or a person with dry skin -
3:35 - 3:36or in this case, both."
-
3:37 - 3:39Now, I'm going to be honest,
-
3:39 - 3:42I haven't made many changes
to my skin-care routine -
3:42 - 3:43since sending this email.
-
3:43 - 3:46But I will say that I am feeling
much more comfortable -
3:46 - 3:47in my own skin.
-
3:47 - 3:49And that's what thanks
to responses like these. -
3:50 - 3:52[You have all the love and support, Micah!
-
3:52 - 3:54And please know that I
highly rec Clinique products.] -
3:54 - 3:56[You are the best.
-
3:56 - 3:59You are and will always be one
of my favorite people (at work). -
3:59 - 4:01Even if you do have terribly dry skin.]
-
4:01 - 4:02[Thank you for being you,
-
4:02 - 4:05however much or little you want to talk
about dry skin, genders, bodies, etc. -
4:05 - 4:07I will be here for you.]
-
4:07 - 4:10[Thank you for giving us
permission to mess up ...] -
4:10 - 4:11Now you might be wondering,
-
4:11 - 4:13if I'm the listener in this conversation,
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4:13 - 4:15what can I best do to support my colleague
-
4:15 - 4:18other than maybe referring
them to my dermatologist? -
4:18 - 4:20Well, for starters, listen
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4:20 - 4:22with an open heart and an empathetic ear.
-
4:22 - 4:24You're especially going
to want to listen here -
4:24 - 4:26for the specific language
the person is using -
4:26 - 4:28to describe themself
and their experience -
4:28 - 4:30because that's the same language
-
4:30 - 4:32you're going to want to use back to them.
-
4:32 - 4:35You might be tempted to ask
your coworkers some questions -
4:35 - 4:36about their identity.
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4:36 - 4:37Before you ask them a question,
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4:37 - 4:38ask yourself,
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4:38 - 4:41can I find the answer to this
in a search engine? -
4:41 - 4:42Chances are the answer is yes.
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4:42 - 4:44And if the answer is no, ask yourself,
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4:44 - 4:46is this too personal of a question
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4:46 - 4:47for me to be asking my colleague.
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4:47 - 4:49One question that is okay to ask though,
-
4:49 - 4:52is there anything I can do
to support you at this time? -
4:52 - 4:55This is a note for if you're responding
in the moment and in person. -
4:55 - 4:57But if you want to be an active ally,
-
4:57 - 4:59the conversation doesn't end here,
-
4:59 - 5:02it picks up again with your
colleagues and human resources -
5:02 - 5:04on how you can make your
workplace more inclusive -
5:04 - 5:06of this person's identity.
-
5:06 - 5:08Chances are it's not
just going to help them -
5:08 - 5:10but maybe someone else down the line.
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5:10 - 5:11Now, in my case,
-
5:11 - 5:14it would be adding pronouns
to your email signature -
5:14 - 5:15and asking your coworkers to do the same
-
5:15 - 5:18in order to help
normalize it across the org. -
5:18 - 5:19It could also be talking to HR
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5:19 - 5:22about having more trans-inclusive
health care policies. -
5:22 - 5:25And my last piece of advice
is for both the listener -
5:25 - 5:26and the leader in the conversation.
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5:26 - 5:29Remember that they're the same person
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5:29 - 5:30you've always known them to be.
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5:30 - 5:33It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas
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5:33 - 5:35that often keep our closet doors shut.
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5:35 - 5:38We're afraid people are now
going to see us as this thing -
5:38 - 5:41instead of seeing this thing
as an aspect of who we are, -
5:41 - 5:42of we've always been.
-
5:42 - 5:44I know that was the case for me too,
-
5:44 - 5:48but it got easier for me
to say, my name is Micah -
5:48 - 5:50because of the way I saw it
not only accepted, -
5:50 - 5:53but enthusiastically embraced
by all of my coworkers. -
5:53 - 5:56So whatever it is
you're keeping in your closet, -
5:56 - 5:58I hope these tips empower you
-
5:58 - 6:00to bring your authentic self
into your workplace -
6:00 - 6:04and hopefully feel more
comfortable in your own skin.
- Title:
- How to come out at work, about anything
- Speaker:
- Micah Eames
- Description:
-
When TED media coordinator Micah Eames came out as trans at work, he quickly realized he'd need to start having tricky conversations with coworkers. Here's his advice for how you can open up about your identity at work and what your colleagues can do to help.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 06:04
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom accepted English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything |