How to come out at work, about anything
-
0:00 - 0:01- Coming out.
-
0:01 - 0:02Typically we think of this
-
0:02 - 0:05as being an experience specific
to the queer community. -
0:05 - 0:07But we all have things that
we're keeping in our closets. -
0:07 - 0:09It could be something about
our home and family life, -
0:09 - 0:11something about our
mental or physical health. -
0:11 - 0:15Maybe you're not allergic to
cats you just don't like them. -
0:15 - 0:16I feel you on that one.
-
0:16 - 0:18Whatever it is that you're
keeping in your closet, -
0:18 - 0:20inevitably it shapes the
way you navigate the world. -
0:20 - 0:21And that can include your work life.
-
0:21 - 0:24So how do we go about
disclosing these important, -
0:24 - 0:27but sometimes difficult to talk
about aspects of who we are. -
0:27 - 0:29And when someone comes out to us,
-
0:29 - 0:31what can we bust do to
listen and support them? -
0:36 - 0:38Hi, my name's Micah.
-
0:38 - 0:39But it hasn't always been.
-
0:39 - 0:41After a year at my current place of work,
-
0:41 - 0:43I started the process
of coming out as trans. -
0:43 - 0:45When I sat down with human
resources to talk about -
0:45 - 0:48how to reintroduce myself to everybody,
-
0:48 - 0:50neither of us had answers.
-
0:50 - 0:53Nobody at my place of work
had come out as trans before, -
0:53 - 0:55but that's what I'm here to offer you.
-
0:55 - 0:56Three tips on how to talk about
-
0:56 - 0:58things that are hard to talk about.
-
0:58 - 1:00And for those of you on the
other side of the conversation, -
1:00 - 1:03I have some advice for you too,
on how you can best listen, -
1:03 - 1:06respond and be an active
ally for your colleague. -
1:06 - 1:08I can't give you the exact words to say
-
1:08 - 1:10because they should be your own.
-
1:10 - 1:13After all I don't know what
you're keeping in your closet. -
1:13 - 1:14But whatever it might be,
-
1:14 - 1:16I hope these tips will
provide you with a framework -
1:16 - 1:19that's going to help you decide
exactly what you wanna say -
1:19 - 1:20and how you wanna say it.
-
1:20 - 1:24Know what you want and don't
want out of the conversation. -
1:24 - 1:26To know this, ask yourself questions like,
-
1:26 - 1:27do I need anything
-
1:27 - 1:29from the person that
I'm disclosing this to? -
1:29 - 1:31Where do I want the
conversation to go from here, -
1:31 - 1:32if anywhere at all?
-
1:32 - 1:33And how do I want this person
-
1:33 - 1:35to understand my own relationship
-
1:35 - 1:37with this aspect of who I am?
-
1:37 - 1:40So, in my case, I knew I
wanted people to call me -
1:40 - 1:41by my new name and pronouns.
-
1:41 - 1:44But I also didn't want them to avoid me
-
1:44 - 1:45out of fear of messing them up.
-
1:45 - 1:46This was going to take time.
-
1:46 - 1:49And I wanted this to feel
like any other ordinary fact -
1:49 - 1:51about who I am.
-
1:51 - 1:53So now we know what we wanna communicate.
-
1:53 - 1:54Let's talk about how
we're going to say it. -
1:54 - 1:56By setting the tone.
-
1:56 - 1:58You're going to want to
present the information -
1:58 - 2:00in the same way you want
people to respond to it. -
2:00 - 2:03They're going to be looking
and listening for cues -
2:03 - 2:05on what the appropriate response is.
-
2:05 - 2:07Is this something that
you want to be celebrated? -
2:07 - 2:09I'm trans!
-
2:09 - 2:10Or do you want to just address it
-
2:10 - 2:11and move on with your life?
-
2:11 - 2:13Oh, by the way, I'm trans.
-
2:13 - 2:16There's no one right way
to say it for everybody. -
2:16 - 2:18What's most important here
is what's right for you. -
2:18 - 2:19Another note,
-
2:19 - 2:21we're not going to be
able to control the way -
2:21 - 2:23in which everybody responds to this.
-
2:23 - 2:24But what we do have control over
-
2:24 - 2:27is how they understand
our own relationship -
2:27 - 2:28with this part of who we are.
-
2:28 - 2:30So now that we know what we wanna say
-
2:30 - 2:31and how we wanna say it,
-
2:31 - 2:33where do we want the
conversation to go from here? -
2:33 - 2:36Well, my advice is to give an action item.
-
2:36 - 2:38This will help you keep
control of the conversation -
2:38 - 2:40by giving people direction
-
2:40 - 2:43on what they're supposed
to do or say next. -
2:43 - 2:44I knew I wanted this to feel like
-
2:44 - 2:47any other ordinary fact about who I am.
-
2:47 - 2:49So I decided I was going
to use my coming out -
2:49 - 2:51to solve an ordinary problem.
-
2:51 - 2:53And I sent the following email.
-
2:53 - 2:55Hello all, I need your help.
-
2:55 - 2:58I am in the market for moisturizer
to help with my dry skin. -
2:58 - 3:00I'm also in the process of out as trans.
-
3:00 - 3:02I'm changing my name to Micah
-
3:02 - 3:04and my pronouns are he, him, his.
-
3:04 - 3:07If you have any questions
about my change in pronouns -
3:07 - 3:09or my skincare needs,
-
3:09 - 3:10feel free to send an email
-
3:10 - 3:12to my updated contact information.
-
3:12 - 3:14And I'd also like to note
that when my skin is dry, -
3:14 - 3:16it is not too sensitive.
-
3:16 - 3:19We're all going to mess up
my name and my pronouns, -
3:19 - 3:20myself included.
-
3:20 - 3:23So when this happens,
don't panic or crunch. -
3:23 - 3:24Please be kind to yourself,
-
3:24 - 3:26as we stumble through these
growing pains together. -
3:26 - 3:29I'm fortunate and grateful
to work in a place -
3:29 - 3:31where I feel embraced in any form.
-
3:31 - 3:35Be it as a transgender man
or a person with dry skin -
3:35 - 3:37or in this case, both.
-
3:37 - 3:39Now, I'm gonna be honest.
-
3:39 - 3:42I haven't made many changes
to my skin care routine -
3:42 - 3:43since sending this email.
-
3:43 - 3:45But I will say that I am
feeling much more comfortable -
3:45 - 3:47in my own skin.
-
3:47 - 3:50And that's what thanks
to responses like these. -
3:51 - 3:54(soft music)
-
4:10 - 4:11Now you might be wondering
-
4:11 - 4:13if I'm the listener in this conversation,
-
4:13 - 4:15what can I best do to support my colleague
-
4:15 - 4:17other than maybe referring
them to my dermatologist? -
4:17 - 4:20Well, for starters, listen
-
4:20 - 4:22with an open heart and an empathetic ear.
-
4:22 - 4:24You're especially going
to want to listen here -
4:24 - 4:26for this specific language
the person is using -
4:26 - 4:28to describe themselves
and their experience -
4:28 - 4:29because that's the same language
-
4:29 - 4:30you're going to wanna use back to them.
-
4:30 - 4:34You might be tempted to ask
your coworkers some questions -
4:34 - 4:35about their identity.
-
4:35 - 4:36Before you ask them a question,
-
4:36 - 4:37ask yourself,
-
4:37 - 4:40can I find the answer to
this in a search engine? -
4:40 - 4:42Chances are the answer is yes.
-
4:42 - 4:44And if the answer is no, ask yourself,
-
4:44 - 4:45is this too personal of a question
-
4:45 - 4:47for me to be asking my colleague.
-
4:47 - 4:49One question that is okay to ask though,
-
4:49 - 4:52is there anything I can do
to support you at this time? -
4:52 - 4:54This is a note for if you're responding
-
4:54 - 4:55in the moment and in person.
-
4:55 - 4:57But if you want to be an active ally,
-
4:57 - 4:59the conversation doesn't end here,
-
4:59 - 5:02it picks up again with your
colleagues and human resources -
5:02 - 5:04on how you can make your
workplace more inclusive -
5:04 - 5:06of this person's identity.
-
5:06 - 5:08Chances are it's not
just going to help them, -
5:08 - 5:10but maybe someone else down the line.
-
5:10 - 5:11Now, in my case,
-
5:11 - 5:13it would be adding pronouns
to your email signature -
5:13 - 5:15and asking your coworkers to do the same
-
5:15 - 5:17in order to help normalize
it across the org. -
5:17 - 5:19You could also be talking to HR
-
5:19 - 5:22about having more trans
inclusive healthcare policies. -
5:22 - 5:25And my last piece of advice
is for both the listener -
5:25 - 5:26and the leader in the conversation.
-
5:26 - 5:29Remember that they're the same person
-
5:29 - 5:30you've always known them to be.
-
5:30 - 5:33It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas
-
5:33 - 5:35that often keep our closet doors shut.
-
5:35 - 5:38We're afraid people are now
gonna see us as this thing -
5:38 - 5:41instead of seeing this thing
as an aspect of who we are, -
5:41 - 5:42of we've always been.
-
5:42 - 5:44I know that was the case for me too,
-
5:44 - 5:48but it got easier for me
to say my name is Micah -
5:48 - 5:50because of the way I saw
it not only accepted, -
5:50 - 5:53but enthusiastically embraced
by all of my coworkers. -
5:53 - 5:56So whatever it is you're
keeping in your closet, -
5:56 - 5:58I hope these tips empower you
-
5:58 - 6:00to bring your authentic
self into your workplace -
6:00 - 6:04and hopefully feel more
comfortable in your own skin.
- Title:
- How to come out at work, about anything
- Speaker:
- Micah Eames
- Description:
-
When TED media coordinator Micah Eames came out as trans at work, he quickly realized he'd need to start having tricky conversations with coworkers. Here's his advice for how you can open up about your identity at work and what your colleagues can do to help.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 06:04
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom accepted English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to come out at work, about anything |