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It may sound strange to bring up work,

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but when we fall in love,

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we often consider
what that love will do to our life,

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and our work and careers
are a big part of that.

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[The Way We Work]

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[Made possible with
the support of Dropbox]

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All working couples face hard choices,

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and these can feel like a zero-sum game.

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One partner gets offered
a job in another city,

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so the other needs to leave
their job and start over.

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One partner takes on more childcare
and puts their career on hold

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so the other can pursue
an exciting promotion.

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One gains and one loses.

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And while some couples who make
these choices are satisfied,

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others regret them bitterly.

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What makes the difference?

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I've spent the last seven years
studying working couples,

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and I've found that it's not
what couples choose,

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it's how they choose.

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Of course, we can't control
our circumstances,

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nor do we have limitless choices.

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But for those we do,

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how can couples choose well?

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First: start early, long before
you have something to decide.

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The moment you're faced
with a hard choice,

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say, whether one of you
should go back to school

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or take a risky job offer,

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it's too late.

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Choosing well begins with understanding
each other's aspirations early on --

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aspirations like wanting
to start a small business,

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live close to extended family,

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save enough money
to buy a house of our own

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or have another child.

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Many of us measure our lives
by comparing what we're doing

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with our aspirations.

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When the gap is small,

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we feel content.

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When it's large,

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we feel unhappy.

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And if we're part of a couple,

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we place at least some of that blame
with our partner.

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Set aside time at least twice a year

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to discuss your aspirations.

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I'm a big fan of keeping a written record
of these conversations.

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Putting pen to paper with our partners

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helps us remember each other's aspirations

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and that we're writing
the story of our lives together.

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Next: eliminate options

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that don't support the life
you want to live together.

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You can do this agreeing on boundaries
that make hard choices easier.

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Boundaries like geography:
Where would you like to live and work?

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Time: How many working hours a week
will make family life possible?

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Travel: How much work travel
can you really stand?

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Once you've agreed to your boundaries,
the choice becomes easy

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when faced with an opportunity
that falls outside of them.

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"I'm not going to interview for that job,

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because we've agreed we don't
want to move across country."

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Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime

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because we've agreed it's essential
we spend more time together as a family."

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Couples who understand
each other's aspirations

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and commit to strong boundaries

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can let go of seemingly attractive
opportunities without regret.

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If you're faced with an opportunity
that falls within your boundaries,

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then what matters is
that the choices you make

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keep your couple in balance over time,

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even if they don't perfectly align
with both partners' aspirations

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at the same time.

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If your choices are mainly
driven by one partner

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or support one partner's aspirations
more than the other,

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an imbalance of power will develop.

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That imbalance, I've found,

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is the reason most
working couples who fail do so.

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Eventually, one gets fed up
with being a prop

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rather than a partner.

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To avoid this,

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track your decisions over time.

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Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,

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there's no need to keep a detailed record
of every decision you make.

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Just keep an open conversation going
about how able each of you feel

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to shape decisions that affect you both.

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How will you know you've chosen well?

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One common misunderstanding

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is that you can only know
what choice is right in hindsight.

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And maybe it's true
we judge life backwards,

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but we must live it forwards.

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I've found that couples
who look back on a choice as a good one

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did so not just because
of the outcome eventually;

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they did it because that choice empowered
them individually and as a couple

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as they made it.

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It wasn't what they chose,

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it was that they were
choosing deliberately,

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and that made them feel
closer and freer together.