WEBVTT 00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:05.061 So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me 00:00:05.085 --> 00:00:07.134 because I was going to do a speaking event. 00:00:07.158 --> 00:00:08.848 And she called, and she said, 00:00:08.872 --> 00:00:12.444 "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." 00:00:12.468 --> 00:00:14.516 And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" 00:00:15.228 --> 00:00:17.132 And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, 00:00:17.156 --> 00:00:19.641 and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, 00:00:19.665 --> 00:00:22.553 but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, 00:00:22.577 --> 00:00:25.036 because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." 00:00:25.060 --> 00:00:26.061 (Laughter) 00:00:26.085 --> 00:00:27.661 And I was like, "Okay." 00:00:27.685 --> 00:00:30.163 And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk 00:00:30.187 --> 00:00:31.403 is you're a storyteller. 00:00:31.427 --> 00:00:34.141 So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." 00:00:34.730 --> 00:00:37.706 And of course, the academic, insecure part of me 00:00:37.730 --> 00:00:40.040 was like, "You're going to call me a what?" 00:00:40.064 --> 00:00:42.612 And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." 00:00:42.636 --> 00:00:45.485 And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?" 00:00:45.509 --> 00:00:47.988 (Laughter) 00:00:48.388 --> 00:00:51.666 I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." 00:00:52.031 --> 00:00:54.570 I tried to call deep on my courage. 00:00:54.594 --> 00:00:57.706 And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. 00:00:57.730 --> 00:00:59.134 I'm a qualitative researcher. 00:00:59.158 --> 00:01:00.879 I collect stories; that's what I do. 00:01:01.396 --> 00:01:04.301 And maybe stories are just data with a soul. 00:01:04.325 --> 00:01:06.706 And maybe I'm just a storyteller. 00:01:06.730 --> 00:01:08.389 And so I said, "You know what? 00:01:08.413 --> 00:01:11.054 Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." 00:01:11.078 --> 00:01:14.706 And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing." 00:01:14.730 --> 00:01:16.413 (Laughter) 00:01:16.437 --> 00:01:20.414 So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- 00:01:20.438 --> 00:01:22.487 we're talking about expanding perception -- 00:01:22.511 --> 00:01:24.893 and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories 00:01:24.917 --> 00:01:30.076 about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception 00:01:30.100 --> 00:01:32.989 and really actually changed the way that I live and love 00:01:33.013 --> 00:01:34.187 and work and parent. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:34.833 --> 00:01:36.965 And this is where my story starts. 00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:40.413 When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, 00:01:40.437 --> 00:01:44.414 my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, 00:01:44.438 --> 00:01:48.384 "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." 00:01:50.114 --> 00:01:52.706 And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. 00:01:53.079 --> 00:01:55.516 I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." 00:01:55.540 --> 00:01:57.793 And so you have to understand 00:01:57.817 --> 00:02:00.397 that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, 00:02:00.421 --> 00:02:03.795 and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career 00:02:03.819 --> 00:02:09.436 was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." 00:02:10.214 --> 00:02:15.642 And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it 00:02:15.666 --> 00:02:17.443 and put it into a bento box." 00:02:17.467 --> 00:02:19.443 (Laughter) 00:02:19.760 --> 00:02:25.071 And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- 00:02:25.095 --> 00:02:28.428 really, one of the big sayings in social work is, 00:02:28.452 --> 00:02:30.547 "Lean into the discomfort of the work." 00:02:31.277 --> 00:02:33.809 And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head 00:02:33.833 --> 00:02:36.111 and move it over and get all A's. 00:02:36.135 --> 00:02:38.047 That was my mantra. 00:02:39.730 --> 00:02:41.706 So I was very excited about this. 00:02:41.730 --> 00:02:44.706 And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, 00:02:44.730 --> 00:02:47.706 because I am interested in some messy topics. 00:02:47.730 --> 00:02:50.101 But I want to be able to make them not messy. 00:02:50.125 --> 00:02:51.447 I want to understand them. 00:02:51.471 --> 00:02:55.048 I want to hack into these things that I know are important 00:02:55.072 --> 00:02:57.048 and lay the code out for everyone to see. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:57.730 --> 00:03:00.389 So where I started was with connection. 00:03:00.413 --> 00:03:03.825 Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, 00:03:03.849 --> 00:03:08.556 what you realize is that connection is why we're here. 00:03:08.580 --> 00:03:10.960 It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. 00:03:11.816 --> 00:03:13.602 This is what it's all about. 00:03:13.626 --> 00:03:15.723 It doesn't matter whether you talk to people 00:03:15.747 --> 00:03:18.839 who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, 00:03:18.863 --> 00:03:24.204 what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- 00:03:24.688 --> 00:03:26.706 neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- 00:03:26.730 --> 00:03:28.109 it's why we're here. 00:03:28.133 --> 00:03:31.146 So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. 00:03:31.807 --> 00:03:33.704 Well, you know that situation 00:03:33.728 --> 00:03:36.236 where you get an evaluation from your boss, 00:03:36.260 --> 00:03:39.046 and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, 00:03:39.070 --> 00:03:41.444 and one "opportunity for growth?" 00:03:41.468 --> 00:03:43.277 (Laughter) 00:03:43.936 --> 00:03:47.404 And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? 00:03:47.428 --> 00:03:50.126 Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, 00:03:50.150 --> 00:03:55.127 because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. 00:03:55.151 --> 00:03:57.785 When you ask people about belonging, 00:03:57.809 --> 00:04:01.761 they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. 00:04:01.785 --> 00:04:04.286 And when you ask people about connection, 00:04:04.310 --> 00:04:06.848 the stories they told me were about disconnection. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:07.858 --> 00:04:10.883 So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- 00:04:10.907 --> 00:04:16.929 I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection 00:04:16.953 --> 00:04:19.413 in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. 00:04:19.849 --> 00:04:21.826 And so I pulled back out of the research 00:04:21.850 --> 00:04:24.080 and thought, I need to figure out what this is. 00:04:24.104 --> 00:04:26.283 And it turned out to be shame. 00:04:27.952 --> 00:04:31.230 And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: 00:04:31.953 --> 00:04:36.509 Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, 00:04:36.533 --> 00:04:39.699 that I won't be worthy of connection? 00:04:40.333 --> 00:04:42.015 The things I can tell you about it: 00:04:42.039 --> 00:04:43.706 It's universal; we all have it. 00:04:43.730 --> 00:04:45.730 The only people who don't experience shame 00:04:45.754 --> 00:04:48.088 have no capacity for human empathy or connection. 00:04:48.112 --> 00:04:49.706 No one wants to talk about it, 00:04:49.730 --> 00:04:52.301 and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. 00:04:53.745 --> 00:04:58.911 What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- 00:04:58.935 --> 00:05:00.539 which, we all know that feeling: 00:05:00.563 --> 00:05:02.612 "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, 00:05:02.636 --> 00:05:05.890 rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." 00:05:05.914 --> 00:05:10.890 The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. 00:05:11.602 --> 00:05:15.706 This idea of, in order for connection to happen, 00:05:15.730 --> 00:05:19.476 we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:20.801 --> 00:05:23.999 And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. 00:05:24.023 --> 00:05:28.521 And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. 00:05:28.545 --> 00:05:31.236 I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, 00:05:31.260 --> 00:05:34.570 I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, 00:05:34.594 --> 00:05:36.872 I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, 00:05:36.896 --> 00:05:38.331 and I'm going to outsmart it. 00:05:39.380 --> 00:05:41.650 So I was ready, and I was really excited. 00:05:44.979 --> 00:05:47.122 As you know, it's not going to turn out well. 00:05:47.146 --> 00:05:49.659 (Laughter) 00:05:49.683 --> 00:05:51.277 You know this. 00:05:51.301 --> 00:05:53.190 So, I could tell you a lot about shame, 00:05:53.214 --> 00:05:55.311 but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. 00:05:55.335 --> 00:05:58.192 But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- 00:05:58.216 --> 00:06:01.598 and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned 00:06:01.622 --> 00:06:03.486 in the decade of doing this research. 00:06:04.808 --> 00:06:09.000 My one year turned into six years: 00:06:09.024 --> 00:06:13.706 Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. 00:06:13.730 --> 00:06:16.111 At one point, people were sending me journal pages 00:06:16.135 --> 00:06:17.972 and sending me their stories -- 00:06:17.996 --> 00:06:21.988 thousands of pieces of data in six years. 00:06:22.012 --> 00:06:23.706 And I kind of got a handle on it. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:23.730 --> 00:06:26.829 I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. 00:06:28.192 --> 00:06:34.439 I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- 00:06:34.463 --> 00:06:38.619 and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed 00:06:38.643 --> 00:06:45.215 and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- 00:06:45.239 --> 00:06:48.001 that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- 00:06:48.025 --> 00:06:51.247 they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- 00:06:51.271 --> 00:06:52.922 and folks who struggle for it, 00:06:52.946 --> 00:06:56.046 and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. 00:06:56.070 --> 00:06:58.309 There was only one variable that separated 00:06:58.333 --> 00:07:01.073 the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging 00:07:01.097 --> 00:07:03.356 and the people who really struggle for it. 00:07:03.380 --> 00:07:07.098 And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging 00:07:07.122 --> 00:07:09.526 believe they're worthy of love and belonging. 00:07:10.444 --> 00:07:11.594 That's it. 00:07:12.245 --> 00:07:13.733 They believe they're worthy. 00:07:15.476 --> 00:07:21.294 And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection 00:07:21.318 --> 00:07:24.533 is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, 00:07:24.557 --> 00:07:26.960 was something that, personally and professionally, 00:07:26.984 --> 00:07:29.206 I felt like I needed to understand better. 00:07:29.547 --> 00:07:34.524 So what I did is I took all of the interviews 00:07:34.548 --> 00:07:37.366 where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, 00:07:37.390 --> 00:07:39.278 and just looked at those. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:40.054 --> 00:07:42.102 What do these people have in common? 00:07:42.126 --> 00:07:46.769 I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. 00:07:46.793 --> 00:07:50.270 So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, 00:07:50.294 --> 00:07:52.914 and I was like, what am I going to call this research? 00:07:52.938 --> 00:07:55.928 And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted." 00:07:56.547 --> 00:08:00.063 These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. 00:08:00.087 --> 00:08:02.943 So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, 00:08:02.967 --> 00:08:04.896 and I started looking at the data. 00:08:04.920 --> 00:08:10.913 In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, 00:08:10.937 --> 00:08:14.514 where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. 00:08:14.538 --> 00:08:16.317 What's the theme? What's the pattern? 00:08:17.110 --> 00:08:20.087 My husband left town with the kids 00:08:20.111 --> 00:08:23.088 because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, 00:08:23.112 --> 00:08:26.857 where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode. 00:08:28.365 --> 00:08:29.912 And so here's what I found. 00:08:32.854 --> 00:08:35.706 What they had in common was a sense of courage. 00:08:36.364 --> 00:08:39.461 And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. 00:08:39.485 --> 00:08:41.926 Courage, the original definition of courage, 00:08:41.950 --> 00:08:44.189 when it first came into the English language -- 00:08:44.213 --> 00:08:46.566 it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" -- 00:08:46.590 --> 00:08:49.601 and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are 00:08:49.625 --> 00:08:51.039 with your whole heart. 00:08:51.799 --> 00:08:55.973 And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. 00:08:58.372 --> 00:09:03.349 They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, 00:09:03.373 --> 00:09:04.572 because, as it turns out, 00:09:04.596 --> 00:09:06.830 we can't practice compassion with other people 00:09:06.854 --> 00:09:08.597 if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 00:09:08.999 --> 00:09:13.396 And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- 00:09:13.420 --> 00:09:16.397 as a result of authenticity, 00:09:16.421 --> 00:09:19.706 they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be 00:09:19.730 --> 00:09:24.334 in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that 00:09:24.358 --> 00:09:25.531 for connection. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:28.063 --> 00:09:32.063 The other thing that they had in common was this: 00:09:35.650 --> 00:09:38.730 They fully embraced vulnerability. 00:09:40.419 --> 00:09:47.070 They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 00:09:50.881 --> 00:09:54.706 They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, 00:09:54.730 --> 00:09:57.556 nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- 00:09:57.580 --> 00:10:00.058 as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. 00:10:00.082 --> 00:10:02.312 They just talked about it being necessary. 00:10:03.373 --> 00:10:07.349 They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... 00:10:09.118 --> 00:10:14.491 the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... 00:10:16.023 --> 00:10:20.358 the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call 00:10:20.382 --> 00:10:21.665 after your mammogram. 00:10:23.371 --> 00:10:26.636 They're willing to invest in a relationship 00:10:26.660 --> 00:10:28.110 that may or may not work out. 00:10:29.205 --> 00:10:31.075 They thought this was fundamental. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:32.182 --> 00:10:34.801 I personally thought it was betrayal. 00:10:35.587 --> 00:10:40.183 I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- 00:10:40.207 --> 00:10:44.271 you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, 00:10:44.295 --> 00:10:48.938 to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. 00:10:48.962 --> 00:10:53.328 And now my mission to control and predict 00:10:53.352 --> 00:10:56.921 had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability 00:10:56.945 --> 00:10:59.043 and to stop controlling and predicting. 00:10:59.067 --> 00:11:00.844 This led to a little breakdown -- 00:11:01.642 --> 00:11:06.706 (Laughter) 00:11:06.730 --> 00:11:09.706 -- which actually looked more like this. 00:11:09.730 --> 00:11:11.223 (Laughter) 00:11:11.247 --> 00:11:13.224 And it did. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:13.248 --> 00:11:16.428 I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. 00:11:16.452 --> 00:11:17.686 (Laughter) 00:11:17.710 --> 00:11:20.127 A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, 00:11:20.151 --> 00:11:21.928 but I assure you, it was a breakdown. 00:11:21.952 --> 00:11:24.856 And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. 00:11:24.880 --> 00:11:27.111 Let me tell you something: you know who you are 00:11:27.135 --> 00:11:30.375 when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. 00:11:30.399 --> 00:11:32.205 Do you have any recommendations?" 00:11:32.229 --> 00:11:34.278 Because about five of my friends were like, 00:11:34.302 --> 00:11:36.446 "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." 00:11:36.470 --> 00:11:39.208 (Laughter) 00:11:39.232 --> 00:11:41.209 I was like, "What does that mean?" 00:11:41.233 --> 00:11:44.440 And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. 00:11:44.464 --> 00:11:46.441 Don't bring your measuring stick." 00:11:46.465 --> 00:11:49.201 (Laughter) 00:11:49.225 --> 00:11:50.425 I was like, "Okay." 00:11:51.285 --> 00:11:53.119 So I found a therapist. 00:11:53.143 --> 00:11:55.046 My first meeting with her, Diana -- 00:11:56.849 --> 00:12:01.143 I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. 00:12:01.167 --> 00:12:02.976 And she said, "How are you?" 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:06.595 And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." 00:12:06.619 --> 00:12:08.143 She said, "What's going on?" 00:12:08.167 --> 00:12:10.786 And this is a therapist who sees therapists, 00:12:10.810 --> 00:12:16.023 because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. 00:12:16.047 --> 00:12:18.023 (Laughter) 00:12:18.476 --> 00:12:22.309 And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." 00:12:22.333 --> 00:12:24.143 And she said, "What's the struggle?" 00:12:25.182 --> 00:12:27.443 And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. 00:12:27.467 --> 00:12:32.822 And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear 00:12:32.846 --> 00:12:34.443 and our struggle for worthiness, 00:12:34.467 --> 00:12:40.143 but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, 00:12:40.167 --> 00:12:42.143 of belonging, of love. 00:12:42.516 --> 00:12:47.952 And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." 00:12:47.976 --> 00:12:53.143 And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." 00:12:53.167 --> 00:12:55.143 (Laughter) 00:12:55.167 --> 00:12:58.143 "I just need some strategies." 00:12:58.167 --> 00:13:02.143 (Laughter) 00:13:02.167 --> 00:13:05.752 (Applause) 00:13:05.776 --> 00:13:07.338 Thank you. 00:13:09.023 --> 00:13:10.500 So she goes like this. 00:13:12.167 --> 00:13:14.523 (Laughter) 00:13:14.547 --> 00:13:17.143 And then I said, "It's bad, right?" 00:13:17.167 --> 00:13:20.143 And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." 00:13:20.167 --> 00:13:22.000 (Laughter) 00:13:22.024 --> 00:13:23.658 "It just is what it is." 00:13:24.404 --> 00:13:27.143 And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck." NOTE Paragraph 00:13:27.167 --> 00:13:29.119 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:13:30.333 --> 00:13:32.587 And it did, and it didn't. 00:13:32.611 --> 00:13:34.674 And it took about a year. 00:13:34.698 --> 00:13:36.714 And you know how there are people 00:13:36.738 --> 00:13:40.762 that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, 00:13:40.786 --> 00:13:42.817 that they surrender and walk into it. 00:13:43.971 --> 00:13:45.931 A: that's not me, 00:13:45.955 --> 00:13:48.352 and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. 00:13:48.376 --> 00:13:51.143 (Laughter) 00:13:51.167 --> 00:13:53.254 For me, it was a yearlong street fight. 00:13:54.492 --> 00:13:55.666 It was a slugfest. 00:13:56.079 --> 00:13:57.913 Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. 00:13:58.333 --> 00:14:01.420 I lost the fight, 00:14:01.444 --> 00:14:03.143 but probably won my life back. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:03.467 --> 00:14:05.443 And so then I went back into the research 00:14:05.467 --> 00:14:07.143 and spent the next couple of years 00:14:07.167 --> 00:14:10.143 really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, 00:14:10.167 --> 00:14:16.143 what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability. 00:14:16.167 --> 00:14:18.507 Why do we struggle with it so much? 00:14:18.531 --> 00:14:20.692 Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? 00:14:21.930 --> 00:14:23.143 No. 00:14:23.167 --> 00:14:24.628 So this is what I learned. 00:14:26.699 --> 00:14:28.366 We numb vulnerability -- 00:14:29.420 --> 00:14:31.007 when we're waiting for the call. 00:14:31.031 --> 00:14:33.920 It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook 00:14:33.944 --> 00:14:36.218 that says, "How would you define vulnerability? 00:14:36.242 --> 00:14:37.790 What makes you feel vulnerable?" 00:14:37.814 --> 00:14:40.538 And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. 00:14:40.562 --> 00:14:43.535 Because I wanted to know what's out there. 00:14:45.944 --> 00:14:50.967 Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; 00:14:50.991 --> 00:14:52.998 initiating sex with my husband; 00:14:53.022 --> 00:14:55.736 initiating sex with my wife; 00:14:55.760 --> 00:14:58.738 being turned down; asking someone out; 00:14:58.762 --> 00:15:00.801 waiting for the doctor to call back; 00:15:00.825 --> 00:15:03.167 getting laid off; laying off people. 00:15:03.191 --> 00:15:04.595 This is the world we live in. 00:15:05.702 --> 00:15:08.670 We live in a vulnerable world. 00:15:08.694 --> 00:15:11.630 And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:12.428 --> 00:15:14.143 And I think there's evidence -- 00:15:14.167 --> 00:15:16.548 and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, 00:15:16.572 --> 00:15:18.681 but I think it's a huge cause -- 00:15:18.705 --> 00:15:21.594 We are the most in-debt ... 00:15:23.278 --> 00:15:24.500 obese ... 00:15:25.650 --> 00:15:29.809 addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. 00:15:33.055 --> 00:15:36.325 The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- 00:15:36.349 --> 00:15:39.492 that you cannot selectively numb emotion. 00:15:40.031 --> 00:15:42.364 You can't say, here's the bad stuff. 00:15:43.167 --> 00:15:45.543 Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, 00:15:45.567 --> 00:15:47.243 here's fear, here's disappointment. 00:15:47.267 --> 00:15:49.143 I don't want to feel these. 00:15:49.167 --> 00:15:52.049 I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 00:15:52.073 --> 00:15:54.759 (Laughter) 00:15:54.783 --> 00:15:56.652 I don't want to feel these. 00:15:56.676 --> 00:15:58.652 And I know that's knowing laughter. 00:15:58.676 --> 00:16:01.143 I hack into your lives for a living. 00:16:01.167 --> 00:16:03.143 God. 00:16:03.167 --> 00:16:05.714 (Laughter) 00:16:05.738 --> 00:16:08.496 You can't numb those hard feelings 00:16:08.520 --> 00:16:11.154 without numbing the other affects, our emotions. 00:16:11.178 --> 00:16:12.630 You cannot selectively numb. 00:16:12.654 --> 00:16:15.261 So when we numb those, 00:16:15.285 --> 00:16:17.808 we numb joy, 00:16:17.832 --> 00:16:19.143 we numb gratitude, 00:16:19.167 --> 00:16:20.467 we numb happiness. 00:16:21.888 --> 00:16:25.011 And then, we are miserable, 00:16:25.035 --> 00:16:27.044 and we are looking for purpose and meaning, 00:16:27.068 --> 00:16:28.500 and then we feel vulnerable, 00:16:28.524 --> 00:16:31.332 so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 00:16:31.356 --> 00:16:34.722 And it becomes this dangerous cycle. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:35.827 --> 00:16:38.960 One of the things that I think we need to think about 00:16:38.984 --> 00:16:40.960 is why and how we numb. 00:16:41.668 --> 00:16:43.748 And it doesn't just have to be addiction. 00:16:45.217 --> 00:16:48.590 The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. 00:16:50.167 --> 00:16:55.253 Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. 00:16:55.277 --> 00:16:56.959 "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." 00:16:58.927 --> 00:17:00.143 That's it. 00:17:01.351 --> 00:17:02.621 Just certain. 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:05.496 The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, 00:17:05.520 --> 00:17:06.905 the more afraid we are. 00:17:06.929 --> 00:17:08.936 This is what politics looks like today. 00:17:08.960 --> 00:17:10.635 There's no discourse anymore. 00:17:10.659 --> 00:17:12.143 There's no conversation. 00:17:12.547 --> 00:17:13.771 There's just blame. 00:17:13.795 --> 00:17:16.112 You know how blame is described in the research? 00:17:17.293 --> 00:17:19.792 A way to discharge pain and discomfort. 00:17:22.356 --> 00:17:23.546 We perfect. 00:17:23.570 --> 00:17:27.348 If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, 00:17:27.372 --> 00:17:28.599 but it doesn't work. 00:17:28.623 --> 00:17:32.243 Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. 00:17:32.267 --> 00:17:35.706 (Laughter) 00:17:35.730 --> 00:17:39.143 Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow." NOTE Paragraph 00:17:39.167 --> 00:17:41.690 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:17:41.714 --> 00:17:45.143 And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. 00:17:45.167 --> 00:17:47.310 Let me tell you what we think about children. 00:17:47.334 --> 00:17:50.143 They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. 00:17:50.167 --> 00:17:53.049 And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, 00:17:53.073 --> 00:17:56.031 our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. 00:17:56.055 --> 00:17:57.951 My job is just to keep her perfect -- 00:17:57.975 --> 00:18:01.382 make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." 00:18:01.406 --> 00:18:02.643 That's not our job. 00:18:02.667 --> 00:18:04.276 Our job is to look and say, 00:18:04.300 --> 00:18:07.316 "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, 00:18:07.340 --> 00:18:09.340 but you are worthy of love and belonging." 00:18:10.241 --> 00:18:11.428 That's our job. 00:18:11.844 --> 00:18:14.074 Show me a generation of kids raised like that, 00:18:14.098 --> 00:18:16.699 and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. 00:18:16.723 --> 00:18:22.175 We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. 00:18:23.611 --> 00:18:25.245 We do that in our personal lives. 00:18:25.269 --> 00:18:26.492 We do that corporate -- 00:18:26.516 --> 00:18:28.626 whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... 00:18:30.126 --> 00:18:31.286 a recall. 00:18:31.310 --> 00:18:33.287 We pretend like what we're doing 00:18:33.311 --> 00:18:35.397 doesn't have a huge impact on other people. 00:18:36.167 --> 00:18:39.441 I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. 00:18:40.509 --> 00:18:43.176 We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... 00:18:44.659 --> 00:18:46.803 "We're sorry. We'll fix it." NOTE Paragraph 00:18:50.275 --> 00:18:53.047 But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. 00:18:53.071 --> 00:18:54.452 This is what I have found: 00:18:54.476 --> 00:18:58.999 To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... 00:19:01.631 --> 00:19:06.020 to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- 00:19:06.044 --> 00:19:07.298 and that's really hard, 00:19:07.322 --> 00:19:10.663 and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- 00:19:13.235 --> 00:19:17.417 to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, 00:19:17.441 --> 00:19:19.754 when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? 00:19:19.778 --> 00:19:21.964 Can I believe in this this passionately? 00:19:21.988 --> 00:19:23.918 Can I be this fierce about this?" 00:19:23.942 --> 00:19:27.519 just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, 00:19:27.543 --> 00:19:29.520 to say, "I'm just so grateful, 00:19:29.544 --> 00:19:31.944 because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." 00:19:33.488 --> 00:19:37.150 And the last, which I think is probably the most important, 00:19:37.174 --> 00:19:38.824 is to believe that we're enough. 00:19:39.404 --> 00:19:43.253 Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... 00:19:45.483 --> 00:19:49.451 then we stop screaming and start listening, 00:19:49.475 --> 00:19:51.802 we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, 00:19:51.826 --> 00:19:53.975 and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. NOTE Paragraph 00:19:54.865 --> 00:19:56.343 That's all I have. Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:19:56.367 --> 00:19:58.960 (Applause)