1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:05,061
So, I'll start with this: a couple
years ago, an event planner called me

2
00:00:05,085 --> 00:00:07,134
because I was going
to do a speaking event.

3
00:00:07,158 --> 00:00:08,848
And she called, and she said,

4
00:00:08,872 --> 00:00:12,444
"I'm really struggling with how
to write about you on the little flyer."

5
00:00:12,468 --> 00:00:14,516
And I thought,
"Well, what's the struggle?"

6
00:00:15,228 --> 00:00:17,132
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

7
00:00:17,156 --> 00:00:19,641
and I'm going to call you
a researcher, I think,

8
00:00:19,665 --> 00:00:22,553
but I'm afraid if I call you
a researcher, no one will come,

9
00:00:22,577 --> 00:00:25,036
because they'll think
you're boring and irrelevant."

10
00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,061
(Laughter)

11
00:00:26,085 --> 00:00:27,661
And I was like, "Okay."

12
00:00:27,685 --> 00:00:30,163
And she said, "But the thing
I liked about your talk

13
00:00:30,187 --> 00:00:31,403
is you're a storyteller.

14
00:00:31,427 --> 00:00:34,141
So I think what I'll do
is just call you a storyteller."

15
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:37,706
And of course, the academic,
insecure part of me

16
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:40,040
was like, "You're going
to call me a what?"

17
00:00:40,064 --> 00:00:42,612
And she said, "I'm going
to call you a storyteller."

18
00:00:42,636 --> 00:00:45,485
And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

19
00:00:45,509 --> 00:00:47,988
(Laughter)

20
00:00:48,388 --> 00:00:51,666
I was like, "Let me think
about this for a second."

21
00:00:52,031 --> 00:00:54,570
I tried to call deep on my courage.

22
00:00:54,594 --> 00:00:57,706
And I thought, you know,
I am a storyteller.

23
00:00:57,730 --> 00:00:59,134
I'm a qualitative researcher.

24
00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:00,879
I collect stories; that's what I do.

25
00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:04,301
And maybe stories
are just data with a soul.

26
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:06,706
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

27
00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:08,389
And so I said, "You know what?

28
00:01:08,413 --> 00:01:11,054
Why don't you just say
I'm a researcher-storyteller."

29
00:01:11,078 --> 00:01:14,706
And she went, "Ha ha.
There's no such thing."

30
00:01:14,730 --> 00:01:16,413
(Laughter)

31
00:01:16,437 --> 00:01:20,414
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
and I'm going to talk to you today --

32
00:01:20,438 --> 00:01:22,487
we're talking about
expanding perception --

33
00:01:22,511 --> 00:01:24,893
and so I want to talk to you
and tell some stories

34
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:30,076
about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my perception

35
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:32,989
and really actually changed
the way that I live and love

36
00:01:33,013 --> 00:01:34,187
and work and parent.

37
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,965
And this is where my story starts.

38
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:40,413
When I was a young researcher,
doctoral student,

39
00:01:40,437 --> 00:01:44,414
my first year, I had
a research professor who said to us,

40
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,384
"Here's the thing, if you cannot
measure it, it does not exist."

41
00:01:50,114 --> 00:01:52,706
And I thought he was just
sweet-talking me.

42
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,516
I was like, "Really?"
and he was like, "Absolutely."

43
00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:57,793
And so you have to understand

44
00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:00,397
that I have a bachelor's
and a master's in social work,

45
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:03,795
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
so my entire academic career

46
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:09,436
was surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the "life's messy, love it."

47
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:15,642
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
clean it up, organize it

48
00:02:15,666 --> 00:02:17,443
and put it into a bento box."

49
00:02:17,467 --> 00:02:19,443
(Laughter)

50
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:25,071
And so to think that I had found my way,
to found a career that takes me --

51
00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:28,428
really, one of the big sayings
in social work is,

52
00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:30,547
"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

53
00:02:31,277 --> 00:02:33,809
And I'm like, knock discomfort
upside the head

54
00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:36,111
and move it over and get all A's.

55
00:02:36,135 --> 00:02:38,047
That was my mantra.

56
00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:41,706
So I was very excited about this.

57
00:02:41,730 --> 00:02:44,706
And so I thought, you know what,
this is the career for me,

58
00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:47,706
because I am interested
in some messy topics.

59
00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:50,101
But I want to be able
to make them not messy.

60
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,447
I want to understand them.

61
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:55,048
I want to hack into these things
that I know are important

62
00:02:55,072 --> 00:02:57,048
and lay the code out for everyone to see.

63
00:02:57,730 --> 00:03:00,389
So where I started was with connection.

64
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:03,825
Because, by the time
you're a social worker for 10 years,

65
00:03:03,849 --> 00:03:08,556
what you realize is that connection
is why we're here.

66
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,960
It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives.

67
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,602
This is what it's all about.

68
00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:15,723
It doesn't matter whether
you talk to people

69
00:03:15,747 --> 00:03:18,839
who work in social justice,
mental health and abuse and neglect,

70
00:03:18,863 --> 00:03:24,204
what we know is that connection,
the ability to feel connected, is --

71
00:03:24,688 --> 00:03:26,706
neurobiologically
that's how we're wired --

72
00:03:26,730 --> 00:03:28,109
it's why we're here.

73
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:31,146
So I thought, you know what,
I'm going to start with connection.

74
00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:33,704
Well, you know that situation

75
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:36,236
where you get an evaluation
from your boss,

76
00:03:36,260 --> 00:03:39,046
and she tells you 37 things
that you do really awesome,

77
00:03:39,070 --> 00:03:41,444
and one "opportunity for growth?"

78
00:03:41,468 --> 00:03:43,277
(Laughter)

79
00:03:43,936 --> 00:03:47,404
And all you can think about
is that opportunity for growth, right?

80
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,126
Well, apparently this is the way
my work went as well,

81
00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:55,127
because, when you ask people about love,
they tell you about heartbreak.

82
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,785
When you ask people about belonging,

83
00:03:57,809 --> 00:04:01,761
they'll tell you their most excruciating
experiences of being excluded.

84
00:04:01,785 --> 00:04:04,286
And when you ask people about connection,

85
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,848
the stories they told me
were about disconnection.

86
00:04:07,858 --> 00:04:10,883
So very quickly -- really about six weeks
into this research --

87
00:04:10,907 --> 00:04:16,929
I ran into this unnamed thing
that absolutely unraveled connection

88
00:04:16,953 --> 00:04:19,413
in a way that I didn't understand
or had never seen.

89
00:04:19,849 --> 00:04:21,826
And so I pulled back out of the research

90
00:04:21,850 --> 00:04:24,080
and thought, I need
to figure out what this is.

91
00:04:24,104 --> 00:04:26,283
And it turned out to be shame.

92
00:04:27,952 --> 00:04:31,230
And shame is really easily understood
as the fear of disconnection:

93
00:04:31,953 --> 00:04:36,509
Is there something about me that,
if other people know it or see it,

94
00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:39,699
that I won't be worthy of connection?

95
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,015
The things I can tell you about it:

96
00:04:42,039 --> 00:04:43,706
It's universal; we all have it.

97
00:04:43,730 --> 00:04:45,730
The only people who don't experience shame

98
00:04:45,754 --> 00:04:48,088
have no capacity for human
empathy or connection.

99
00:04:48,112 --> 00:04:49,706
No one wants to talk about it,

100
00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:52,301
and the less you talk about it,
the more you have it.

101
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:58,911
What underpinned this shame,
this "I'm not good enough," --

102
00:04:58,935 --> 00:05:00,539
which, we all know that feeling:

103
00:05:00,563 --> 00:05:02,612
"I'm not blank enough.
I'm not thin enough,

104
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,890
rich enough, beautiful enough,
smart enough, promoted enough."

105
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:10,890
The thing that underpinned this
was excruciating vulnerability.

106
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:15,706
This idea of, in order
for connection to happen,

107
00:05:15,730 --> 00:05:19,476
we have to allow ourselves
to be seen, really seen.

108
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:23,999
And you know how I feel
about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

109
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:28,521
And so I thought, this is my chance
to beat it back with my measuring stick.

110
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:31,236
I'm going in, I'm going
to figure this stuff out,

111
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:34,570
I'm going to spend a year,
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

112
00:05:34,594 --> 00:05:36,872
I'm going to understand
how vulnerability works,

113
00:05:36,896 --> 00:05:38,331
and I'm going to outsmart it.

114
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,650
So I was ready, and I was really excited.

115
00:05:44,979 --> 00:05:47,122
As you know,
it's not going to turn out well.

116
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:49,659
(Laughter)

117
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,277
You know this.

118
00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:53,190
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

119
00:05:53,214 --> 00:05:55,311
but I'd have to borrow
everyone else's time.

120
00:05:55,335 --> 00:05:58,192
But here's what I can tell you
that it boils down to --

121
00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:01,598
and this may be one of the most important
things that I've ever learned

122
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,486
in the decade of doing this research.

123
00:06:04,808 --> 00:06:09,000
My one year turned into six years:

124
00:06:09,024 --> 00:06:13,706
Thousands of stories, hundreds
of long interviews, focus groups.

125
00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:16,111
At one point, people were
sending me journal pages

126
00:06:16,135 --> 00:06:17,972
and sending me their stories --

127
00:06:17,996 --> 00:06:21,988
thousands of pieces of data in six years.

128
00:06:22,012 --> 00:06:23,706
And I kind of got a handle on it.

129
00:06:23,730 --> 00:06:26,829
I kind of understood, this is
what shame is, this is how it works.

130
00:06:28,192 --> 00:06:34,439
I wrote a book, I published a theory,
but something was not okay --

131
00:06:34,463 --> 00:06:38,619
and what it was is that, if I roughly
took the people I interviewed

132
00:06:38,643 --> 00:06:45,215
and divided them into people who really
have a sense of worthiness --

133
00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:48,001
that's what this comes down to,
a sense of worthiness --

134
00:06:48,025 --> 00:06:51,247
they have a strong sense
of love and belonging --

135
00:06:51,271 --> 00:06:52,922
and folks who struggle for it,

136
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,046
and folks who are always wondering
if they're good enough.

137
00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:58,309
There was only one variable that separated

138
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:01,073
the people who have a strong sense
of love and belonging

139
00:07:01,097 --> 00:07:03,356
and the people who really struggle for it.

140
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:07,098
And that was, the people who have
a strong sense of love and belonging

141
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,526
believe they're worthy
of love and belonging.

142
00:07:10,444 --> 00:07:11,594
That's it.

143
00:07:12,245 --> 00:07:13,733
They believe they're worthy.

144
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:21,294
And to me, the hard part of the one thing
that keeps us out of connection

145
00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:24,533
is our fear that we're not
worthy of connection,

146
00:07:24,557 --> 00:07:26,960
was something that,
personally and professionally,

147
00:07:26,984 --> 00:07:29,206
I felt like I needed to understand better.

148
00:07:29,547 --> 00:07:34,524
So what I did is I took
all of the interviews

149
00:07:34,548 --> 00:07:37,366
where I saw worthiness,
where I saw people living that way,

150
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,278
and just looked at those.

151
00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:42,102
What do these people have in common?

152
00:07:42,126 --> 00:07:46,769
I have a slight office supply addiction,
but that's another talk.

153
00:07:46,793 --> 00:07:50,270
So I had a manila folder,
and I had a Sharpie,

154
00:07:50,294 --> 00:07:52,914
and I was like, what am I going
to call this research?

155
00:07:52,938 --> 00:07:55,928
And the first words that came
to my mind were "whole-hearted."

156
00:07:56,547 --> 00:08:00,063
These are whole-hearted people,
living from this deep sense of worthiness.

157
00:08:00,087 --> 00:08:02,943
So I wrote at the top
of the manila folder,

158
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:04,896
and I started looking at the data.

159
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:10,913
In fact, I did it first in a four-day,
very intensive data analysis,

160
00:08:10,937 --> 00:08:14,514
where I went back, pulled the interviews,
the stories, pulled the incidents.

161
00:08:14,538 --> 00:08:16,317
What's the theme? What's the pattern?

162
00:08:17,110 --> 00:08:20,087
My husband left town with the kids

163
00:08:20,111 --> 00:08:23,088
because I always go into this
Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

164
00:08:23,112 --> 00:08:26,857
where I'm just writing
and in my researcher mode.

165
00:08:28,365 --> 00:08:29,912
And so here's what I found.

166
00:08:32,854 --> 00:08:35,706
What they had in common
was a sense of courage.

167
00:08:36,364 --> 00:08:39,461
And I want to separate courage
and bravery for you for a minute.

168
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,926
Courage, the original
definition of courage,

169
00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:44,189
when it first came
into the English language --

170
00:08:44,213 --> 00:08:46,566
it's from the Latin word "cor,"
meaning "heart" --

171
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:49,601
and the original definition was to tell
the story of who you are

172
00:08:49,625 --> 00:08:51,039
with your whole heart.

173
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:55,973
And so these folks had, very simply,
the courage to be imperfect.

174
00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:03,349
They had the compassion to be kind
to themselves first and then to others,

175
00:09:03,373 --> 00:09:04,572
because, as it turns out,

176
00:09:04,596 --> 00:09:06,830
we can't practice compassion
with other people

177
00:09:06,854 --> 00:09:08,597
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

178
00:09:08,999 --> 00:09:13,396
And the last was they had connection,
and -- this was the hard part --

179
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,397
as a result of authenticity,

180
00:09:16,421 --> 00:09:19,706
they were willing to let go
of who they thought they should be

181
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:24,334
in order to be who they were,
which you have to absolutely do that

182
00:09:24,358 --> 00:09:25,531
for connection.

183
00:09:28,063 --> 00:09:32,063
The other thing that they had
in common was this:

184
00:09:35,650 --> 00:09:38,730
They fully embraced vulnerability.

185
00:09:40,419 --> 00:09:47,070
They believed that what made them
vulnerable made them beautiful.

186
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:54,706
They didn't talk about vulnerability
being comfortable,

187
00:09:54,730 --> 00:09:57,556
nor did they really talk
about it being excruciating --

188
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,058
as I had heard it earlier
in the shame interviewing.

189
00:10:00,082 --> 00:10:02,312
They just talked about it being necessary.

190
00:10:03,373 --> 00:10:07,349
They talked about the willingness
to say, "I love you" first ...

191
00:10:09,118 --> 00:10:14,491
the willingness to do something
where there are no guarantees ...

192
00:10:16,023 --> 00:10:20,358
the willingness to breathe
through waiting for the doctor to call

193
00:10:20,382 --> 00:10:21,665
after your mammogram.

194
00:10:23,371 --> 00:10:26,636
They're willing to invest
in a relationship

195
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,110
that may or may not work out.

196
00:10:29,205 --> 00:10:31,075
They thought this was fundamental.

197
00:10:32,182 --> 00:10:34,801
I personally thought it was betrayal.

198
00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:40,183
I could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research, where our job --

199
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:44,271
you know, the definition of research
is to control and predict,

200
00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:48,938
to study phenomena for the explicit
reason to control and predict.

201
00:10:48,962 --> 00:10:53,328
And now my mission to control and predict

202
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:56,921
had turned up the answer
that the way to live is with vulnerability

203
00:10:56,945 --> 00:10:59,043
and to stop controlling and predicting.

204
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:00,844
This led to a little breakdown --

205
00:11:01,642 --> 00:11:06,706
(Laughter)

206
00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:09,706
-- which actually looked more like this.

207
00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:11,223
(Laughter)

208
00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:13,224
And it did.

209
00:11:13,248 --> 00:11:16,428
I call it a breakdown; my therapist
calls it a spiritual awakening.

210
00:11:16,452 --> 00:11:17,686
(Laughter)

211
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:20,127
A spiritual awakening
sounds better than breakdown,

212
00:11:20,151 --> 00:11:21,928
but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

213
00:11:21,952 --> 00:11:24,856
And I had to put my data away
and go find a therapist.

214
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,111
Let me tell you something:
you know who you are

215
00:11:27,135 --> 00:11:30,375
when you call your friends and say,
"I think I need to see somebody.

216
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:32,205
Do you have any recommendations?"

217
00:11:32,229 --> 00:11:34,278
Because about five
of my friends were like,

218
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,446
"Wooo, I wouldn't want
to be your therapist."

219
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:39,208
(Laughter)

220
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,209
I was like, "What does that mean?"

221
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:44,440
And they're like,
"I'm just saying, you know.

222
00:11:44,464 --> 00:11:46,441
Don't bring your measuring stick."

223
00:11:46,465 --> 00:11:49,201
(Laughter)

224
00:11:49,225 --> 00:11:50,425
I was like, "Okay."

225
00:11:51,285 --> 00:11:53,119
So I found a therapist.

226
00:11:53,143 --> 00:11:55,046
My first meeting with her, Diana --

227
00:11:56,849 --> 00:12:01,143
I brought in my list of the way
the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

228
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,976
And she said, "How are you?"

229
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,595
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

230
00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:08,143
She said, "What's going on?"

231
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:10,786
And this is a therapist
who sees therapists,

232
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:16,023
because we have to go to those,
because their B.S. meters are good.

233
00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:18,023
(Laughter)

234
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:22,309
And so I said, "Here's the thing,
I'm struggling."

235
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:24,143
And she said, "What's the struggle?"

236
00:12:25,182 --> 00:12:27,443
And I said, "Well, I have
a vulnerability issue.

237
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:32,822
And I know that vulnerability
is the core of shame and fear

238
00:12:32,846 --> 00:12:34,443
and our struggle for worthiness,

239
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:40,143
but it appears that it's also
the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

240
00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:42,143
of belonging, of love.

241
00:12:42,516 --> 00:12:47,952
And I think I have a problem,
and I need some help."

242
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:53,143
And I said, "But here's the thing:
no family stuff, no childhood shit."

243
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:55,143
(Laughter)

244
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:58,143
"I just need some strategies."

245
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:02,143
(Laughter)

246
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:05,752
(Applause)

247
00:13:05,776 --> 00:13:07,338
Thank you.

248
00:13:09,023 --> 00:13:10,500
So she goes like this.

249
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,523
(Laughter)

250
00:13:14,547 --> 00:13:17,143
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

251
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:20,143
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

252
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,000
(Laughter)

253
00:13:22,024 --> 00:13:23,658
"It just is what it is."

254
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,143
And I said, "Oh my God,
this is going to suck."

255
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,119
(Laughter)

256
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,587
And it did, and it didn't.

257
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,674
And it took about a year.

258
00:13:34,698 --> 00:13:36,714
And you know how there are people

259
00:13:36,738 --> 00:13:40,762
that, when they realize that vulnerability
and tenderness are important,

260
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:42,817
that they surrender and walk into it.

261
00:13:43,971 --> 00:13:45,931
A: that's not me,

262
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:48,352
and B: I don't even hang out
with people like that.

263
00:13:48,376 --> 00:13:51,143
(Laughter)

264
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,254
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

265
00:13:54,492 --> 00:13:55,666
It was a slugfest.

266
00:13:56,079 --> 00:13:57,913
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

267
00:13:58,333 --> 00:14:01,420
I lost the fight,

268
00:14:01,444 --> 00:14:03,143
but probably won my life back.

269
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,443
And so then I went back into the research

270
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,143
and spent the next couple of years

271
00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:10,143
really trying to understand
what they, the whole-hearted,

272
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:16,143
what choices they were making,
and what we are doing with vulnerability.

273
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:18,507
Why do we struggle with it so much?

274
00:14:18,531 --> 00:14:20,692
Am I alone in struggling
with vulnerability?

275
00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:23,143
No.

276
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:24,628
So this is what I learned.

277
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,366
We numb vulnerability --

278
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:31,007
when we're waiting for the call.

279
00:14:31,031 --> 00:14:33,920
It was funny, I sent something out
on Twitter and on Facebook

280
00:14:33,944 --> 00:14:36,218
that says, "How would you
define vulnerability?

281
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:37,790
What makes you feel vulnerable?"

282
00:14:37,814 --> 00:14:40,538
And within an hour and a half,
I had 150 responses.

283
00:14:40,562 --> 00:14:43,535
Because I wanted to know what's out there.

284
00:14:45,944 --> 00:14:50,967
Having to ask my husband for help
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

285
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,998
initiating sex with my husband;

286
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,736
initiating sex with my wife;

287
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,738
being turned down; asking someone out;

288
00:14:58,762 --> 00:15:00,801
waiting for the doctor to call back;

289
00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:03,167
getting laid off; laying off people.

290
00:15:03,191 --> 00:15:04,595
This is the world we live in.

291
00:15:05,702 --> 00:15:08,670
We live in a vulnerable world.

292
00:15:08,694 --> 00:15:11,630
And one of the ways we deal
with it is we numb vulnerability.

293
00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:14,143
And I think there's evidence --

294
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,548
and it's not the only reason
this evidence exists,

295
00:15:16,572 --> 00:15:18,681
but I think it's a huge cause --

296
00:15:18,705 --> 00:15:21,594
We are the most in-debt ...

297
00:15:23,278 --> 00:15:24,500
obese ...

298
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:29,809
addicted and medicated
adult cohort in U.S. history.

299
00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:36,325
The problem is -- and I learned this
from the research --

300
00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:39,492
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

301
00:15:40,031 --> 00:15:42,364
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

302
00:15:43,167 --> 00:15:45,543
Here's vulnerability,
here's grief, here's shame,

303
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:47,243
here's fear, here's disappointment.

304
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:49,143
I don't want to feel these.

305
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:52,049
I'm going to have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

306
00:15:52,073 --> 00:15:54,759
(Laughter)

307
00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:56,652
I don't want to feel these.

308
00:15:56,676 --> 00:15:58,652
And I know that's knowing laughter.

309
00:15:58,676 --> 00:16:01,143
I hack into your lives for a living.

310
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:03,143
God.

311
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:05,714
(Laughter)

312
00:16:05,738 --> 00:16:08,496
You can't numb those hard feelings

313
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,154
without numbing
the other affects, our emotions.

314
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,630
You cannot selectively numb.

315
00:16:12,654 --> 00:16:15,261
So when we numb those,

316
00:16:15,285 --> 00:16:17,808
we numb joy,

317
00:16:17,832 --> 00:16:19,143
we numb gratitude,

318
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:20,467
we numb happiness.

319
00:16:21,888 --> 00:16:25,011
And then, we are miserable,

320
00:16:25,035 --> 00:16:27,044
and we are looking
for purpose and meaning,

321
00:16:27,068 --> 00:16:28,500
and then we feel vulnerable,

322
00:16:28,524 --> 00:16:31,332
so then we have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

323
00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:34,722
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

324
00:16:35,827 --> 00:16:38,960
One of the things that I think
we need to think about

325
00:16:38,984 --> 00:16:40,960
is why and how we numb.

326
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,748
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

327
00:16:45,217 --> 00:16:48,590
The other thing we do is we make
everything that's uncertain certain.

328
00:16:50,167 --> 00:16:55,253
Religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty.

329
00:16:55,277 --> 00:16:56,959
"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

330
00:16:58,927 --> 00:17:00,143
That's it.

331
00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:02,621
Just certain.

332
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,496
The more afraid we are,
the more vulnerable we are,

333
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,905
the more afraid we are.

334
00:17:06,929 --> 00:17:08,936
This is what politics looks like today.

335
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,635
There's no discourse anymore.

336
00:17:10,659 --> 00:17:12,143
There's no conversation.

337
00:17:12,547 --> 00:17:13,771
There's just blame.

338
00:17:13,795 --> 00:17:16,112
You know how blame
is described in the research?

339
00:17:17,293 --> 00:17:19,792
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

340
00:17:22,356 --> 00:17:23,546
We perfect.

341
00:17:23,570 --> 00:17:27,348
If there's anyone who wants their life
to look like this, it would be me,

342
00:17:27,372 --> 00:17:28,599
but it doesn't work.

343
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:32,243
Because what we do is we take fat
from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

344
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:35,706
(Laughter)

345
00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:39,143
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
people will look back and go, "Wow."

346
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:41,690
(Laughter)

347
00:17:41,714 --> 00:17:45,143
And we perfect,
most dangerously, our children.

348
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:47,310
Let me tell you what we think
about children.

349
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:50,143
They're hardwired for struggle
when they get here.

350
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:53,049
And when you hold those perfect
little babies in your hand,

351
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:56,031
our job is not to say,
"Look at her, she's perfect.

352
00:17:56,055 --> 00:17:57,951
My job is just to keep her perfect --

353
00:17:57,975 --> 00:18:01,382
make sure she makes the tennis team
by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

354
00:18:01,406 --> 00:18:02,643
That's not our job.

355
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,276
Our job is to look and say,

356
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,316
"You know what? You're imperfect,
and you're wired for struggle,

357
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:09,340
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

358
00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:11,428
That's our job.

359
00:18:11,844 --> 00:18:14,074
Show me a generation
of kids raised like that,

360
00:18:14,098 --> 00:18:16,699
and we'll end the problems,
I think, that we see today.

361
00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:22,175
We pretend that what we do
doesn't have an effect on people.

362
00:18:23,611 --> 00:18:25,245
We do that in our personal lives.

363
00:18:25,269 --> 00:18:26,492
We do that corporate --

364
00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:28,626
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

365
00:18:30,126 --> 00:18:31,286
a recall.

366
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,287
We pretend like what we're doing

367
00:18:33,311 --> 00:18:35,397
doesn't have a huge impact
on other people.

368
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,441
I would say to companies,
this is not our first rodeo, people.

369
00:18:40,509 --> 00:18:43,176
We just need you to be authentic
and real and say ...

370
00:18:44,659 --> 00:18:46,803
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

371
00:18:50,275 --> 00:18:53,047
But there's another way,
and I'll leave you with this.

372
00:18:53,071 --> 00:18:54,452
This is what I have found:

373
00:18:54,476 --> 00:18:58,999
To let ourselves be seen,
deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

374
00:19:01,631 --> 00:19:06,020
to love with our whole hearts,
even though there's no guarantee --

375
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:07,298
and that's really hard,

376
00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:10,663
and I can tell you as a parent,
that's excruciatingly difficult --

377
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:17,417
to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of terror,

378
00:19:17,441 --> 00:19:19,754
when we're wondering,
"Can I love you this much?

379
00:19:19,778 --> 00:19:21,964
Can I believe in this this passionately?

380
00:19:21,988 --> 00:19:23,918
Can I be this fierce about this?"

381
00:19:23,942 --> 00:19:27,519
just to be able to stop and, instead of
catastrophizing what might happen,

382
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,520
to say, "I'm just so grateful,

383
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,944
because to feel this vulnerable
means I'm alive."

384
00:19:33,488 --> 00:19:37,150
And the last, which I think
is probably the most important,

385
00:19:37,174 --> 00:19:38,824
is to believe that we're enough.

386
00:19:39,404 --> 00:19:43,253
Because when we work from a place,
I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

387
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:49,451
then we stop screaming
and start listening,

388
00:19:49,475 --> 00:19:51,802
we're kinder and gentler
to the people around us,

389
00:19:51,826 --> 00:19:53,975
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

390
00:19:54,865 --> 00:19:56,343
That's all I have. Thank you.

391
00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:58,960
(Applause)