0:00:01.600,0:00:05.061
So, I'll start with this: a couple[br]years ago, an event planner called me

0:00:05.085,0:00:07.134
because I was going[br]to do a speaking event.

0:00:07.158,0:00:08.848
And she called, and she said,

0:00:08.872,0:00:12.444
"I'm really struggling with how[br]to write about you on the little flyer."

0:00:12.468,0:00:14.516
And I thought,[br]"Well, what's the struggle?"

0:00:15.228,0:00:17.132
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

0:00:17.156,0:00:19.641
and I'm going to call you[br]a researcher, I think,

0:00:19.665,0:00:22.553
but I'm afraid if I call you[br]a researcher, no one will come,

0:00:22.577,0:00:25.036
because they'll think[br]you're boring and irrelevant."

0:00:25.060,0:00:26.061
(Laughter)

0:00:26.085,0:00:27.661
And I was like, "Okay."

0:00:27.685,0:00:30.163
And she said, "But the thing[br]I liked about your talk

0:00:30.187,0:00:31.403
is you're a storyteller.

0:00:31.427,0:00:34.141
So I think what I'll do[br]is just call you a storyteller."

0:00:34.730,0:00:37.706
And of course, the academic,[br]insecure part of me

0:00:37.730,0:00:40.040
was like, "You're going[br]to call me a what?"

0:00:40.064,0:00:42.612
And she said, "I'm going[br]to call you a storyteller."

0:00:42.636,0:00:45.485
And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

0:00:45.509,0:00:47.988
(Laughter)

0:00:48.388,0:00:51.666
I was like, "Let me think[br]about this for a second."

0:00:52.031,0:00:54.570
I tried to call deep on my courage.

0:00:54.594,0:00:57.706
And I thought, you know,[br]I am a storyteller.

0:00:57.730,0:00:59.134
I'm a qualitative researcher.

0:00:59.158,0:01:00.879
I collect stories; that's what I do.

0:01:01.396,0:01:04.301
And maybe stories[br]are just data with a soul.

0:01:04.325,0:01:06.706
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

0:01:06.730,0:01:08.389
And so I said, "You know what?

0:01:08.413,0:01:11.054
Why don't you just say[br]I'm a researcher-storyteller."

0:01:11.078,0:01:14.706
And she went, "Ha ha.[br]There's no such thing."

0:01:14.730,0:01:16.413
(Laughter)

0:01:16.437,0:01:20.414
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,[br]and I'm going to talk to you today --

0:01:20.438,0:01:22.487
we're talking about[br]expanding perception --

0:01:22.511,0:01:24.893
and so I want to talk to you[br]and tell some stories

0:01:24.917,0:01:30.076
about a piece of my research[br]that fundamentally expanded my perception

0:01:30.100,0:01:32.989
and really actually changed[br]the way that I live and love

0:01:33.013,0:01:34.187
and work and parent.

0:01:34.833,0:01:36.965
And this is where my story starts.

0:01:37.730,0:01:40.413
When I was a young researcher,[br]doctoral student,

0:01:40.437,0:01:44.414
my first year, I had[br]a research professor who said to us,

0:01:44.438,0:01:48.384
"Here's the thing, if you cannot[br]measure it, it does not exist."

0:01:50.114,0:01:52.706
And I thought he was just[br]sweet-talking me.

0:01:53.079,0:01:55.516
I was like, "Really?"[br]and he was like, "Absolutely."

0:01:55.540,0:01:57.793
And so you have to understand

0:01:57.817,0:02:00.397
that I have a bachelor's[br]and a master's in social work,

0:02:00.421,0:02:03.795
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,[br]so my entire academic career

0:02:03.819,0:02:09.436
was surrounded by people who kind of[br]believed in the "life's messy, love it."

0:02:10.214,0:02:15.642
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,[br]clean it up, organize it

0:02:15.666,0:02:17.443
and put it into a bento box."

0:02:17.467,0:02:19.443
(Laughter)

0:02:19.760,0:02:25.071
And so to think that I had found my way,[br]to found a career that takes me --

0:02:25.095,0:02:28.428
really, one of the big sayings[br]in social work is,

0:02:28.452,0:02:30.547
"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

0:02:31.277,0:02:33.809
And I'm like, knock discomfort[br]upside the head

0:02:33.833,0:02:36.111
and move it over and get all A's.

0:02:36.135,0:02:38.047
That was my mantra.

0:02:39.730,0:02:41.706
So I was very excited about this.

0:02:41.730,0:02:44.706
And so I thought, you know what,[br]this is the career for me,

0:02:44.730,0:02:47.706
because I am interested[br]in some messy topics.

0:02:47.730,0:02:50.101
But I want to be able[br]to make them not messy.

0:02:50.125,0:02:51.447
I want to understand them.

0:02:51.471,0:02:55.048
I want to hack into these things[br]that I know are important

0:02:55.072,0:02:57.048
and lay the code out for everyone to see.

0:02:57.730,0:03:00.389
So where I started was with connection.

0:03:00.413,0:03:03.825
Because, by the time[br]you're a social worker for 10 years,

0:03:03.849,0:03:08.556
what you realize is that connection[br]is why we're here.

0:03:08.580,0:03:10.960
It's what gives purpose[br]and meaning to our lives.

0:03:11.816,0:03:13.602
This is what it's all about.

0:03:13.626,0:03:15.723
It doesn't matter whether[br]you talk to people

0:03:15.747,0:03:18.839
who work in social justice,[br]mental health and abuse and neglect,

0:03:18.863,0:03:24.204
what we know is that connection,[br]the ability to feel connected, is --

0:03:24.688,0:03:26.706
neurobiologically[br]that's how we're wired --

0:03:26.730,0:03:28.109
it's why we're here.

0:03:28.133,0:03:31.146
So I thought, you know what,[br]I'm going to start with connection.

0:03:31.807,0:03:33.704
Well, you know that situation

0:03:33.728,0:03:36.236
where you get an evaluation[br]from your boss,

0:03:36.260,0:03:39.046
and she tells you 37 things[br]that you do really awesome,

0:03:39.070,0:03:41.444
and one "opportunity for growth?"

0:03:41.468,0:03:43.277
(Laughter)

0:03:43.936,0:03:47.404
And all you can think about[br]is that opportunity for growth, right?

0:03:47.428,0:03:50.126
Well, apparently this is the way[br]my work went as well,

0:03:50.150,0:03:55.127
because, when you ask people about love,[br]they tell you about heartbreak.

0:03:55.151,0:03:57.785
When you ask people about belonging,

0:03:57.809,0:04:01.761
they'll tell you their most excruciating[br]experiences of being excluded.

0:04:01.785,0:04:04.286
And when you ask people about connection,

0:04:04.310,0:04:06.848
the stories they told me[br]were about disconnection.

0:04:07.858,0:04:10.883
So very quickly -- really about six weeks[br]into this research --

0:04:10.907,0:04:16.929
I ran into this unnamed thing[br]that absolutely unraveled connection

0:04:16.953,0:04:19.413
in a way that I didn't understand[br]or had never seen.

0:04:19.849,0:04:21.826
And so I pulled back out of the research

0:04:21.850,0:04:24.080
and thought, I need[br]to figure out what this is.

0:04:24.104,0:04:26.283
And it turned out to be shame.

0:04:27.952,0:04:31.230
And shame is really easily understood[br]as the fear of disconnection:

0:04:31.953,0:04:36.509
Is there something about me that,[br]if other people know it or see it,

0:04:36.533,0:04:39.699
that I won't be worthy of connection?

0:04:40.333,0:04:42.015
The things I can tell you about it:

0:04:42.039,0:04:43.706
It's universal; we all have it.

0:04:43.730,0:04:45.730
The only people who don't experience shame

0:04:45.754,0:04:48.088
have no capacity for human[br]empathy or connection.

0:04:48.112,0:04:49.706
No one wants to talk about it,

0:04:49.730,0:04:52.301
and the less you talk about it,[br]the more you have it.

0:04:53.745,0:04:58.911
What underpinned this shame,[br]this "I'm not good enough," --

0:04:58.935,0:05:00.539
which, we all know that feeling:

0:05:00.563,0:05:02.612
"I'm not blank enough.[br]I'm not thin enough,

0:05:02.636,0:05:05.890
rich enough, beautiful enough,[br]smart enough, promoted enough."

0:05:05.914,0:05:10.890
The thing that underpinned this[br]was excruciating vulnerability.

0:05:11.602,0:05:15.706
This idea of, in order[br]for connection to happen,

0:05:15.730,0:05:19.476
we have to allow ourselves[br]to be seen, really seen.

0:05:20.801,0:05:23.999
And you know how I feel[br]about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

0:05:24.023,0:05:28.521
And so I thought, this is my chance[br]to beat it back with my measuring stick.

0:05:28.545,0:05:31.236
I'm going in, I'm going[br]to figure this stuff out,

0:05:31.260,0:05:34.570
I'm going to spend a year,[br]I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

0:05:34.594,0:05:36.872
I'm going to understand[br]how vulnerability works,

0:05:36.896,0:05:38.331
and I'm going to outsmart it.

0:05:39.380,0:05:41.650
So I was ready, and I was really excited.

0:05:44.979,0:05:47.122
As you know,[br]it's not going to turn out well.

0:05:47.146,0:05:49.659
(Laughter)

0:05:49.683,0:05:51.277
You know this.

0:05:51.301,0:05:53.190
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

0:05:53.214,0:05:55.311
but I'd have to borrow[br]everyone else's time.

0:05:55.335,0:05:58.192
But here's what I can tell you[br]that it boils down to --

0:05:58.216,0:06:01.598
and this may be one of the most important[br]things that I've ever learned

0:06:01.622,0:06:03.486
in the decade of doing this research.

0:06:04.808,0:06:09.000
My one year turned into six years:

0:06:09.024,0:06:13.706
Thousands of stories, hundreds[br]of long interviews, focus groups.

0:06:13.730,0:06:16.111
At one point, people were[br]sending me journal pages

0:06:16.135,0:06:17.972
and sending me their stories --

0:06:17.996,0:06:21.988
thousands of pieces of data in six years.

0:06:22.012,0:06:23.706
And I kind of got a handle on it.

0:06:23.730,0:06:26.829
I kind of understood, this is[br]what shame is, this is how it works.

0:06:28.192,0:06:34.439
I wrote a book, I published a theory,[br]but something was not okay --

0:06:34.463,0:06:38.619
and what it was is that, if I roughly[br]took the people I interviewed

0:06:38.643,0:06:45.215
and divided them into people who really[br]have a sense of worthiness --

0:06:45.239,0:06:48.001
that's what this comes down to,[br]a sense of worthiness --

0:06:48.025,0:06:51.247
they have a strong sense[br]of love and belonging --

0:06:51.271,0:06:52.922
and folks who struggle for it,

0:06:52.946,0:06:56.046
and folks who are always wondering[br]if they're good enough.

0:06:56.070,0:06:58.309
There was only one variable that separated

0:06:58.333,0:07:01.073
the people who have a strong sense[br]of love and belonging

0:07:01.097,0:07:03.356
and the people who really struggle for it.

0:07:03.380,0:07:07.098
And that was, the people who have[br]a strong sense of love and belonging

0:07:07.122,0:07:09.526
believe they're worthy[br]of love and belonging.

0:07:10.444,0:07:11.594
That's it.

0:07:12.245,0:07:13.733
They believe they're worthy.

0:07:15.476,0:07:21.294
And to me, the hard part of the one thing[br]that keeps us out of connection

0:07:21.318,0:07:24.533
is our fear that we're not[br]worthy of connection,

0:07:24.557,0:07:26.960
was something that,[br]personally and professionally,

0:07:26.984,0:07:29.206
I felt like I needed to understand better.

0:07:29.547,0:07:34.524
So what I did is I took[br]all of the interviews

0:07:34.548,0:07:37.366
where I saw worthiness,[br]where I saw people living that way,

0:07:37.390,0:07:39.278
and just looked at those.

0:07:40.054,0:07:42.102
What do these people have in common?

0:07:42.126,0:07:46.769
I have a slight office supply addiction,[br]but that's another talk.

0:07:46.793,0:07:50.270
So I had a manila folder,[br]and I had a Sharpie,

0:07:50.294,0:07:52.914
and I was like, what am I going[br]to call this research?

0:07:52.938,0:07:55.928
And the first words that came[br]to my mind were "whole-hearted."

0:07:56.547,0:08:00.063
These are whole-hearted people,[br]living from this deep sense of worthiness.

0:08:00.087,0:08:02.943
So I wrote at the top[br]of the manila folder,

0:08:02.967,0:08:04.896
and I started looking at the data.

0:08:04.920,0:08:10.913
In fact, I did it first in a four-day,[br]very intensive data analysis,

0:08:10.937,0:08:14.514
where I went back, pulled the interviews,[br]the stories, pulled the incidents.

0:08:14.538,0:08:16.317
What's the theme? What's the pattern?

0:08:17.110,0:08:20.087
My husband left town with the kids

0:08:20.111,0:08:23.088
because I always go into this[br]Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

0:08:23.112,0:08:26.857
where I'm just writing[br]and in my researcher mode.

0:08:28.365,0:08:29.912
And so here's what I found.

0:08:32.854,0:08:35.706
What they had in common[br]was a sense of courage.

0:08:36.364,0:08:39.461
And I want to separate courage[br]and bravery for you for a minute.

0:08:39.485,0:08:41.926
Courage, the original[br]definition of courage,

0:08:41.950,0:08:44.189
when it first came[br]into the English language --

0:08:44.213,0:08:46.566
it's from the Latin word "cor,"[br]meaning "heart" --

0:08:46.590,0:08:49.601
and the original definition was to tell[br]the story of who you are

0:08:49.625,0:08:51.039
with your whole heart.

0:08:51.799,0:08:55.973
And so these folks had, very simply,[br]the courage to be imperfect.

0:08:58.372,0:09:03.349
They had the compassion to be kind[br]to themselves first and then to others,

0:09:03.373,0:09:04.572
because, as it turns out,

0:09:04.596,0:09:06.830
we can't practice compassion[br]with other people

0:09:06.854,0:09:08.597
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

0:09:08.999,0:09:13.396
And the last was they had connection,[br]and -- this was the hard part --

0:09:13.420,0:09:16.397
as a result of authenticity,

0:09:16.421,0:09:19.706
they were willing to let go[br]of who they thought they should be

0:09:19.730,0:09:24.334
in order to be who they were,[br]which you have to absolutely do that

0:09:24.358,0:09:25.531
for connection.

0:09:28.063,0:09:32.063
The other thing that they had[br]in common was this:

0:09:35.650,0:09:38.730
They fully embraced vulnerability.

0:09:40.419,0:09:47.070
They believed that what made them[br]vulnerable made them beautiful.

0:09:50.881,0:09:54.706
They didn't talk about vulnerability[br]being comfortable,

0:09:54.730,0:09:57.556
nor did they really talk[br]about it being excruciating --

0:09:57.580,0:10:00.058
as I had heard it earlier[br]in the shame interviewing.

0:10:00.082,0:10:02.312
They just talked about it being necessary.

0:10:03.373,0:10:07.349
They talked about the willingness[br]to say, "I love you" first ...

0:10:09.118,0:10:14.491
the willingness to do something[br]where there are no guarantees ...

0:10:16.023,0:10:20.358
the willingness to breathe[br]through waiting for the doctor to call

0:10:20.382,0:10:21.665
after your mammogram.

0:10:23.371,0:10:26.636
They're willing to invest[br]in a relationship

0:10:26.660,0:10:28.110
that may or may not work out.

0:10:29.205,0:10:31.075
They thought this was fundamental.

0:10:32.182,0:10:34.801
I personally thought it was betrayal.

0:10:35.587,0:10:40.183
I could not believe I had pledged[br]allegiance to research, where our job --

0:10:40.207,0:10:44.271
you know, the definition of research[br]is to control and predict,

0:10:44.295,0:10:48.938
to study phenomena for the explicit[br]reason to control and predict.

0:10:48.962,0:10:53.328
And now my mission to control and predict

0:10:53.352,0:10:56.921
had turned up the answer[br]that the way to live is with vulnerability

0:10:56.945,0:10:59.043
and to stop controlling and predicting.

0:10:59.067,0:11:00.844
This led to a little breakdown --

0:11:01.642,0:11:06.706
(Laughter)

0:11:06.730,0:11:09.706
-- which actually looked more like this.

0:11:09.730,0:11:11.223
(Laughter)

0:11:11.247,0:11:13.224
And it did.

0:11:13.248,0:11:16.428
I call it a breakdown; my therapist[br]calls it a spiritual awakening.

0:11:16.452,0:11:17.686
(Laughter)

0:11:17.710,0:11:20.127
A spiritual awakening[br]sounds better than breakdown,

0:11:20.151,0:11:21.928
but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

0:11:21.952,0:11:24.856
And I had to put my data away[br]and go find a therapist.

0:11:24.880,0:11:27.111
Let me tell you something:[br]you know who you are

0:11:27.135,0:11:30.375
when you call your friends and say,[br]"I think I need to see somebody.

0:11:30.399,0:11:32.205
Do you have any recommendations?"

0:11:32.229,0:11:34.278
Because about five[br]of my friends were like,

0:11:34.302,0:11:36.446
"Wooo, I wouldn't want[br]to be your therapist."

0:11:36.470,0:11:39.208
(Laughter)

0:11:39.232,0:11:41.209
I was like, "What does that mean?"

0:11:41.233,0:11:44.440
And they're like,[br]"I'm just saying, you know.

0:11:44.464,0:11:46.441
Don't bring your measuring stick."

0:11:46.465,0:11:49.201
(Laughter)

0:11:49.225,0:11:50.425
I was like, "Okay."

0:11:51.285,0:11:53.119
So I found a therapist.

0:11:53.143,0:11:55.046
My first meeting with her, Diana --

0:11:56.849,0:12:01.143
I brought in my list of the way[br]the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

0:12:01.167,0:12:02.976
And she said, "How are you?"

0:12:03.000,0:12:06.595
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

0:12:06.619,0:12:08.143
She said, "What's going on?"

0:12:08.167,0:12:10.786
And this is a therapist[br]who sees therapists,

0:12:10.810,0:12:16.023
because we have to go to those,[br]because their B.S. meters are good.

0:12:16.047,0:12:18.023
(Laughter)

0:12:18.476,0:12:22.309
And so I said, "Here's the thing,[br]I'm struggling."

0:12:22.333,0:12:24.143
And she said, "What's the struggle?"

0:12:25.182,0:12:27.443
And I said, "Well, I have[br]a vulnerability issue.

0:12:27.467,0:12:32.822
And I know that vulnerability[br]is the core of shame and fear

0:12:32.846,0:12:34.443
and our struggle for worthiness,

0:12:34.467,0:12:40.143
but it appears that it's also[br]the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

0:12:40.167,0:12:42.143
of belonging, of love.

0:12:42.516,0:12:47.952
And I think I have a problem,[br]and I need some help."

0:12:47.976,0:12:53.143
And I said, "But here's the thing:[br]no family stuff, no childhood shit."

0:12:53.167,0:12:55.143
(Laughter)

0:12:55.167,0:12:58.143
"I just need some strategies."

0:12:58.167,0:13:02.143
(Laughter)

0:13:02.167,0:13:05.752
(Applause)

0:13:05.776,0:13:07.338
Thank you.

0:13:09.023,0:13:10.500
So she goes like this.

0:13:12.167,0:13:14.523
(Laughter)

0:13:14.547,0:13:17.143
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

0:13:17.167,0:13:20.143
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

0:13:20.167,0:13:22.000
(Laughter)

0:13:22.024,0:13:23.658
"It just is what it is."

0:13:24.404,0:13:27.143
And I said, "Oh my God,[br]this is going to suck."

0:13:27.167,0:13:29.119
(Laughter)

0:13:30.333,0:13:32.587
And it did, and it didn't.

0:13:32.611,0:13:34.674
And it took about a year.

0:13:34.698,0:13:36.714
And you know how there are people

0:13:36.738,0:13:40.762
that, when they realize that vulnerability[br]and tenderness are important,

0:13:40.786,0:13:42.817
that they surrender and walk into it.

0:13:43.971,0:13:45.931
A: that's not me,

0:13:45.955,0:13:48.352
and B: I don't even hang out[br]with people like that.

0:13:48.376,0:13:51.143
(Laughter)

0:13:51.167,0:13:53.254
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

0:13:54.492,0:13:55.666
It was a slugfest.

0:13:56.079,0:13:57.913
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

0:13:58.333,0:14:01.420
I lost the fight,

0:14:01.444,0:14:03.143
but probably won my life back.

0:14:03.467,0:14:05.443
And so then I went back into the research

0:14:05.467,0:14:07.143
and spent the next couple of years

0:14:07.167,0:14:10.143
really trying to understand[br]what they, the whole-hearted,

0:14:10.167,0:14:16.143
what choices they were making,[br]and what we are doing with vulnerability.

0:14:16.167,0:14:18.507
Why do we struggle with it so much?

0:14:18.531,0:14:20.692
Am I alone in struggling[br]with vulnerability?

0:14:21.930,0:14:23.143
No.

0:14:23.167,0:14:24.628
So this is what I learned.

0:14:26.699,0:14:28.366
We numb vulnerability --

0:14:29.420,0:14:31.007
when we're waiting for the call.

0:14:31.031,0:14:33.920
It was funny, I sent something out[br]on Twitter and on Facebook

0:14:33.944,0:14:36.218
that says, "How would you[br]define vulnerability?

0:14:36.242,0:14:37.790
What makes you feel vulnerable?"

0:14:37.814,0:14:40.538
And within an hour and a half,[br]I had 150 responses.

0:14:40.562,0:14:43.535
Because I wanted to know what's out there.

0:14:45.944,0:14:50.967
Having to ask my husband for help[br]because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

0:14:50.991,0:14:52.998
initiating sex with my husband;

0:14:53.022,0:14:55.736
initiating sex with my wife;

0:14:55.760,0:14:58.738
being turned down; asking someone out;

0:14:58.762,0:15:00.801
waiting for the doctor to call back;

0:15:00.825,0:15:03.167
getting laid off; laying off people.

0:15:03.191,0:15:04.595
This is the world we live in.

0:15:05.702,0:15:08.670
We live in a vulnerable world.

0:15:08.694,0:15:11.630
And one of the ways we deal[br]with it is we numb vulnerability.

0:15:12.428,0:15:14.143
And I think there's evidence --

0:15:14.167,0:15:16.548
and it's not the only reason[br]this evidence exists,

0:15:16.572,0:15:18.681
but I think it's a huge cause --

0:15:18.705,0:15:21.594
We are the most in-debt ...

0:15:23.278,0:15:24.500
obese ...

0:15:25.650,0:15:29.809
addicted and medicated[br]adult cohort in U.S. history.

0:15:33.055,0:15:36.325
The problem is -- and I learned this[br]from the research --

0:15:36.349,0:15:39.492
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

0:15:40.031,0:15:42.364
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

0:15:43.167,0:15:45.543
Here's vulnerability,[br]here's grief, here's shame,

0:15:45.567,0:15:47.243
here's fear, here's disappointment.

0:15:47.267,0:15:49.143
I don't want to feel these.

0:15:49.167,0:15:52.049
I'm going to have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin.

0:15:52.073,0:15:54.759
(Laughter)

0:15:54.783,0:15:56.652
I don't want to feel these.

0:15:56.676,0:15:58.652
And I know that's knowing laughter.

0:15:58.676,0:16:01.143
I hack into your lives for a living.

0:16:01.167,0:16:03.143
God.

0:16:03.167,0:16:05.714
(Laughter)

0:16:05.738,0:16:08.496
You can't numb those hard feelings

0:16:08.520,0:16:11.154
without numbing[br]the other affects, our emotions.

0:16:11.178,0:16:12.630
You cannot selectively numb.

0:16:12.654,0:16:15.261
So when we numb those,

0:16:15.285,0:16:17.808
we numb joy,

0:16:17.832,0:16:19.143
we numb gratitude,

0:16:19.167,0:16:20.467
we numb happiness.

0:16:21.888,0:16:25.011
And then, we are miserable,

0:16:25.035,0:16:27.044
and we are looking[br]for purpose and meaning,

0:16:27.068,0:16:28.500
and then we feel vulnerable,

0:16:28.524,0:16:31.332
so then we have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin.

0:16:31.356,0:16:34.722
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

0:16:35.827,0:16:38.960
One of the things that I think[br]we need to think about

0:16:38.984,0:16:40.960
is why and how we numb.

0:16:41.668,0:16:43.748
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

0:16:45.217,0:16:48.590
The other thing we do is we make[br]everything that's uncertain certain.

0:16:50.167,0:16:55.253
Religion has gone from a belief[br]in faith and mystery to certainty.

0:16:55.277,0:16:56.959
"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

0:16:58.927,0:17:00.143
That's it.

0:17:01.351,0:17:02.621
Just certain.

0:17:03.080,0:17:05.496
The more afraid we are,[br]the more vulnerable we are,

0:17:05.520,0:17:06.905
the more afraid we are.

0:17:06.929,0:17:08.936
This is what politics looks like today.

0:17:08.960,0:17:10.635
There's no discourse anymore.

0:17:10.659,0:17:12.143
There's no conversation.

0:17:12.547,0:17:13.771
There's just blame.

0:17:13.795,0:17:16.112
You know how blame[br]is described in the research?

0:17:17.293,0:17:19.792
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

0:17:22.356,0:17:23.546
We perfect.

0:17:23.570,0:17:27.348
If there's anyone who wants their life[br]to look like this, it would be me,

0:17:27.372,0:17:28.599
but it doesn't work.

0:17:28.623,0:17:32.243
Because what we do is we take fat[br]from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

0:17:32.267,0:17:35.706
(Laughter)

0:17:35.730,0:17:39.143
Which just, I hope in 100 years,[br]people will look back and go, "Wow."

0:17:39.167,0:17:41.690
(Laughter)

0:17:41.714,0:17:45.143
And we perfect,[br]most dangerously, our children.

0:17:45.167,0:17:47.310
Let me tell you what we think[br]about children.

0:17:47.334,0:17:50.143
They're hardwired for struggle[br]when they get here.

0:17:50.167,0:17:53.049
And when you hold those perfect[br]little babies in your hand,

0:17:53.073,0:17:56.031
our job is not to say,[br]"Look at her, she's perfect.

0:17:56.055,0:17:57.951
My job is just to keep her perfect --

0:17:57.975,0:18:01.382
make sure she makes the tennis team[br]by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

0:18:01.406,0:18:02.643
That's not our job.

0:18:02.667,0:18:04.276
Our job is to look and say,

0:18:04.300,0:18:07.316
"You know what? You're imperfect,[br]and you're wired for struggle,

0:18:07.340,0:18:09.340
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

0:18:10.241,0:18:11.428
That's our job.

0:18:11.844,0:18:14.074
Show me a generation[br]of kids raised like that,

0:18:14.098,0:18:16.699
and we'll end the problems,[br]I think, that we see today.

0:18:16.723,0:18:22.175
We pretend that what we do[br]doesn't have an effect on people.

0:18:23.611,0:18:25.245
We do that in our personal lives.

0:18:25.269,0:18:26.492
We do that corporate --

0:18:26.516,0:18:28.626
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

0:18:30.126,0:18:31.286
a recall.

0:18:31.310,0:18:33.287
We pretend like what we're doing

0:18:33.311,0:18:35.397
doesn't have a huge impact[br]on other people.

0:18:36.167,0:18:39.441
I would say to companies,[br]this is not our first rodeo, people.

0:18:40.509,0:18:43.176
We just need you to be authentic[br]and real and say ...

0:18:44.659,0:18:46.803
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

0:18:50.275,0:18:53.047
But there's another way,[br]and I'll leave you with this.

0:18:53.071,0:18:54.452
This is what I have found:

0:18:54.476,0:18:58.999
To let ourselves be seen,[br]deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

0:19:01.631,0:19:06.020
to love with our whole hearts,[br]even though there's no guarantee --

0:19:06.044,0:19:07.298
and that's really hard,

0:19:07.322,0:19:10.663
and I can tell you as a parent,[br]that's excruciatingly difficult --

0:19:13.235,0:19:17.417
to practice gratitude and joy[br]in those moments of terror,

0:19:17.441,0:19:19.754
when we're wondering,[br]"Can I love you this much?

0:19:19.778,0:19:21.964
Can I believe in this this passionately?

0:19:21.988,0:19:23.918
Can I be this fierce about this?"

0:19:23.942,0:19:27.519
just to be able to stop and, instead of[br]catastrophizing what might happen,

0:19:27.543,0:19:29.520
to say, "I'm just so grateful,

0:19:29.544,0:19:31.944
because to feel this vulnerable[br]means I'm alive."

0:19:33.488,0:19:37.150
And the last, which I think[br]is probably the most important,

0:19:37.174,0:19:38.824
is to believe that we're enough.

0:19:39.404,0:19:43.253
Because when we work from a place,[br]I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

0:19:45.483,0:19:49.451
then we stop screaming[br]and start listening,

0:19:49.475,0:19:51.802
we're kinder and gentler[br]to the people around us,

0:19:51.826,0:19:53.975
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

0:19:54.865,0:19:56.343
That's all I have. Thank you.

0:19:56.367,0:19:58.960
(Applause)