0:00:00.000,0:00:02.000 So, I'll start with this: 0:00:02.000,0:00:04.000 a couple years ago, an event planner called me 0:00:04.000,0:00:06.000 because I was going to do a speaking event. 0:00:06.000,0:00:08.000 And she called, and she said, 0:00:08.000,0:00:10.000 "I'm really struggling with how 0:00:10.000,0:00:12.000 to write about you on the little flyer." 0:00:12.000,0:00:14.000 And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" 0:00:14.000,0:00:16.000 And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, 0:00:16.000,0:00:19.000 and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, 0:00:19.000,0:00:21.000 but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, 0:00:21.000,0:00:23.000 because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." 0:00:23.000,0:00:25.000 (Laughter) 0:00:25.000,0:00:27.000 And I was like, "Okay." 0:00:27.000,0:00:29.000 And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk 0:00:29.000,0:00:31.000 is you're a storyteller. 0:00:31.000,0:00:34.000 So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." 0:00:34.000,0:00:37.000 And of course, the academic, insecure part of me 0:00:37.000,0:00:39.000 was like, "You're going to call me a what?" 0:00:39.000,0:00:42.000 And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." 0:00:42.000,0:00:45.000 And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?" 0:00:45.000,0:00:48.000 (Laughter) 0:00:48.000,0:00:51.000 I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." 0:00:51.000,0:00:54.000 I tried to call deep on my courage. 0:00:54.000,0:00:57.000 And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. 0:00:57.000,0:00:59.000 I'm a qualitative researcher. 0:00:59.000,0:01:01.000 I collect stories; that's what I do. 0:01:01.000,0:01:04.000 And maybe stories are just data with a soul. 0:01:04.000,0:01:06.000 And maybe I'm just a storyteller. 0:01:06.000,0:01:08.000 And so I said, "You know what? 0:01:08.000,0:01:11.000 Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." 0:01:11.000,0:01:14.000 And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing." 0:01:14.000,0:01:16.000 (Laughter) 0:01:16.000,0:01:18.000 So I'm a researcher-storyteller, 0:01:18.000,0:01:20.000 and I'm going to talk to you today -- 0:01:20.000,0:01:22.000 we're talking about expanding perception -- 0:01:22.000,0:01:24.000 and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories 0:01:24.000,0:01:27.000 about a piece of my research 0:01:27.000,0:01:30.000 that fundamentally expanded my perception 0:01:30.000,0:01:33.000 and really actually changed the way that I live and love 0:01:33.000,0:01:35.000 and work and parent. 0:01:35.000,0:01:37.000 And this is where my story starts. 0:01:37.000,0:01:40.000 When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, 0:01:40.000,0:01:42.000 my first year I had a research professor 0:01:42.000,0:01:44.000 who said to us, 0:01:44.000,0:01:46.000 "Here's the thing, 0:01:46.000,0:01:49.000 if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." 0:01:49.000,0:01:52.000 And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. 0:01:52.000,0:01:55.000 I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." 0:01:55.000,0:01:57.000 And so you have to understand 0:01:57.000,0:01:59.000 that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, 0:01:59.000,0:02:01.000 and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, 0:02:01.000,0:02:03.000 so my entire academic career 0:02:03.000,0:02:05.000 was surrounded by people 0:02:05.000,0:02:07.000 who kind of believed 0:02:07.000,0:02:10.000 in the "life's messy, love it." 0:02:10.000,0:02:12.000 And I'm more of the, "life's messy, 0:02:12.000,0:02:15.000 clean it up, organize it 0:02:15.000,0:02:17.000 and put it into a bento box." 0:02:17.000,0:02:19.000 (Laughter) 0:02:19.000,0:02:22.000 And so to think that I had found my way, 0:02:22.000,0:02:25.000 to found a career that takes me -- 0:02:25.000,0:02:28.000 really, one of the big sayings in social work 0:02:28.000,0:02:31.000 is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." 0:02:31.000,0:02:34.000 And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head 0:02:34.000,0:02:36.000 and move it over and get all A's. 0:02:36.000,0:02:39.000 That was my mantra. 0:02:39.000,0:02:41.000 So I was very excited about this. 0:02:41.000,0:02:44.000 And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, 0:02:44.000,0:02:47.000 because I am interested in some messy topics. 0:02:47.000,0:02:49.000 But I want to be able to make them not messy. 0:02:49.000,0:02:51.000 I want to understand them. 0:02:51.000,0:02:53.000 I want to hack into these things 0:02:53.000,0:02:55.000 I know are important 0:02:55.000,0:02:57.000 and lay the code out for everyone to see. 0:02:57.000,0:03:00.000 So where I started was with connection. 0:03:00.000,0:03:03.000 Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, 0:03:03.000,0:03:05.000 what you realize 0:03:05.000,0:03:08.000 is that connection is why we're here. 0:03:08.000,0:03:11.000 It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. 0:03:11.000,0:03:13.000 This is what it's all about. 0:03:13.000,0:03:15.000 It doesn't matter whether you talk to people 0:03:15.000,0:03:18.000 who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect, 0:03:18.000,0:03:20.000 what we know is that connection, 0:03:20.000,0:03:23.000 the ability to feel connected, is -- 0:03:23.000,0:03:26.000 neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- 0:03:26.000,0:03:28.000 it's why we're here. 0:03:28.000,0:03:31.000 So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. 0:03:31.000,0:03:34.000 Well, you know that situation 0:03:34.000,0:03:36.000 where you get an evaluation from your boss, 0:03:36.000,0:03:39.000 and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, 0:03:39.000,0:03:41.000 and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?" 0:03:41.000,0:03:43.000 (Laughter) 0:03:43.000,0:03:46.000 And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? 0:03:47.000,0:03:50.000 Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, 0:03:50.000,0:03:53.000 because, when you ask people about love, 0:03:53.000,0:03:55.000 they tell you about heartbreak. 0:03:55.000,0:03:57.000 When you ask people about belonging, 0:03:57.000,0:04:00.000 they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences 0:04:00.000,0:04:02.000 of being excluded. 0:04:02.000,0:04:04.000 And when you ask people about connection, 0:04:04.000,0:04:07.000 the stories they told me were about disconnection. 0:04:07.000,0:04:10.000 So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- 0:04:10.000,0:04:13.000 I ran into this unnamed thing 0:04:13.000,0:04:16.000 that absolutely unraveled connection 0:04:16.000,0:04:19.000 in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. 0:04:19.000,0:04:21.000 And so I pulled back out of the research 0:04:21.000,0:04:24.000 and thought, I need to figure out what this is. 0:04:24.000,0:04:27.000 And it turned out to be shame. 0:04:27.000,0:04:29.000 And shame is really easily understood 0:04:29.000,0:04:31.000 as the fear of disconnection: 0:04:31.000,0:04:33.000 Is there something about me 0:04:33.000,0:04:36.000 that, if other people know it or see it, 0:04:36.000,0:04:39.000 that I won't be worthy of connection? 0:04:39.000,0:04:41.000 The things I can tell you about it: 0:04:41.000,0:04:43.000 it's universal; we all have it. 0:04:43.000,0:04:45.000 The only people who don't experience shame 0:04:45.000,0:04:47.000 have no capacity for human empathy or connection. 0:04:47.000,0:04:49.000 No one wants to talk about it, 0:04:49.000,0:04:52.000 and the less you talk about it the more you have it. 0:04:54.000,0:04:56.000 What underpinned this shame, 0:04:56.000,0:04:58.000 this "I'm not good enough," -- 0:04:58.000,0:05:00.000 which we all know that feeling: 0:05:00.000,0:05:02.000 "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, 0:05:02.000,0:05:04.000 rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, 0:05:04.000,0:05:06.000 promoted enough." 0:05:06.000,0:05:08.000 The thing that underpinned this 0:05:08.000,0:05:11.000 was excruciating vulnerability, 0:05:11.000,0:05:13.000 this idea of, 0:05:13.000,0:05:15.000 in order for connection to happen, 0:05:15.000,0:05:18.000 we have to allow ourselves to be seen, 0:05:18.000,0:05:20.000 really seen. 0:05:20.000,0:05:23.000 And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. 0:05:23.000,0:05:25.000 And so I thought, this is my chance 0:05:25.000,0:05:28.000 to beat it back with my measuring stick. 0:05:28.000,0:05:31.000 I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, 0:05:31.000,0:05:34.000 I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, 0:05:34.000,0:05:36.000 I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, 0:05:36.000,0:05:39.000 and I'm going to outsmart it. 0:05:39.000,0:05:42.000 So I was ready, and I was really excited. 0:05:44.000,0:05:46.000 As you know, it's not going to turn out well. 0:05:46.000,0:05:49.000 (Laughter) 0:05:49.000,0:05:51.000 You know this. 0:05:51.000,0:05:53.000 So, I could tell you a lot about shame, 0:05:53.000,0:05:55.000 but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. 0:05:55.000,0:05:58.000 But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- 0:05:58.000,0:06:01.000 and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned 0:06:01.000,0:06:04.000 in the decade of doing this research. 0:06:04.000,0:06:06.000 My one year 0:06:06.000,0:06:08.000 turned into six years: 0:06:08.000,0:06:10.000 thousands of stories, 0:06:10.000,0:06:13.000 hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. 0:06:13.000,0:06:15.000 At one point, people were sending me journal pages 0:06:15.000,0:06:18.000 and sending me their stories -- 0:06:18.000,0:06:21.000 thousands of pieces of data in six years. 0:06:21.000,0:06:23.000 And I kind of got a handle on it. 0:06:23.000,0:06:25.000 I kind of understood, this is what shame is, 0:06:25.000,0:06:27.000 this is how it works. 0:06:27.000,0:06:29.000 I wrote a book, 0:06:29.000,0:06:31.000 I published a theory, 0:06:31.000,0:06:34.000 but something was not okay -- 0:06:34.000,0:06:36.000 and what it was is that, 0:06:36.000,0:06:38.000 if I roughly took the people I interviewed 0:06:38.000,0:06:41.000 and divided them into people 0:06:41.000,0:06:44.000 who really have a sense of worthiness -- 0:06:44.000,0:06:46.000 that's what this comes down to, 0:06:46.000,0:06:48.000 a sense of worthiness -- 0:06:48.000,0:06:51.000 they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- 0:06:51.000,0:06:53.000 and folks who struggle for it, 0:06:53.000,0:06:55.000 and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. 0:06:55.000,0:06:57.000 There was only one variable 0:06:57.000,0:06:59.000 that separated the people who have 0:06:59.000,0:07:01.000 a strong sense of love and belonging 0:07:01.000,0:07:03.000 and the people who really struggle for it. 0:07:03.000,0:07:05.000 And that was, the people who have 0:07:05.000,0:07:07.000 a strong sense of love and belonging 0:07:07.000,0:07:10.000 believe they're worthy of love and belonging. 0:07:10.000,0:07:12.000 That's it. 0:07:12.000,0:07:14.000 They believe they're worthy. 0:07:15.000,0:07:18.000 And to me, the hard part 0:07:18.000,0:07:21.000 of the one thing that keeps us out of connection 0:07:21.000,0:07:24.000 is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, 0:07:24.000,0:07:26.000 was something that, personally and professionally, 0:07:26.000,0:07:29.000 I felt like I needed to understand better. 0:07:29.000,0:07:32.000 So what I did 0:07:32.000,0:07:34.000 is I took all of the interviews 0:07:34.000,0:07:37.000 where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, 0:07:37.000,0:07:40.000 and just looked at those. 0:07:40.000,0:07:42.000 What do these people have in common? 0:07:42.000,0:07:44.000 I have a slight office supply addiction, 0:07:44.000,0:07:47.000 but that's another talk. 0:07:47.000,0:07:50.000 So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, 0:07:50.000,0:07:52.000 and I was like, what am I going to call this research? 0:07:52.000,0:07:54.000 And the first words that came to my mind 0:07:54.000,0:07:56.000 were whole-hearted. 0:07:56.000,0:07:59.000 These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. 0:07:59.000,0:08:02.000 So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, 0:08:02.000,0:08:04.000 and I started looking at the data. 0:08:04.000,0:08:06.000 In fact, I did it first 0:08:06.000,0:08:08.000 in a four-day 0:08:08.000,0:08:11.000 very intensive data analysis, 0:08:11.000,0:08:14.000 where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents. 0:08:14.000,0:08:17.000 What's the theme? What's the pattern? 0:08:17.000,0:08:20.000 My husband left town with the kids 0:08:20.000,0:08:23.000 because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, 0:08:23.000,0:08:25.000 where I'm just like writing 0:08:25.000,0:08:28.000 and in my researcher mode. 0:08:28.000,0:08:30.000 And so here's what I found. 0:08:32.000,0:08:34.000 What they had in common 0:08:34.000,0:08:36.000 was a sense of courage. 0:08:36.000,0:08:39.000 And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. 0:08:39.000,0:08:41.000 Courage, the original definition of courage, 0:08:41.000,0:08:43.000 when it first came into the English language -- 0:08:43.000,0:08:46.000 it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- 0:08:46.000,0:08:48.000 and the original definition 0:08:48.000,0:08:51.000 was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. 0:08:51.000,0:08:53.000 And so these folks 0:08:53.000,0:08:55.000 had, very simply, the courage 0:08:55.000,0:08:57.000 to be imperfect. 0:08:58.000,0:09:00.000 They had the compassion 0:09:00.000,0:09:03.000 to be kind to themselves first and then to others, 0:09:03.000,0:09:06.000 because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people 0:09:06.000,0:09:09.000 if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 0:09:09.000,0:09:11.000 And the last was they had connection, 0:09:11.000,0:09:13.000 and -- this was the hard part -- 0:09:13.000,0:09:16.000 as a result of authenticity, 0:09:16.000,0:09:19.000 they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be 0:09:19.000,0:09:21.000 in order to be who they were, 0:09:21.000,0:09:24.000 which you have to absolutely do that 0:09:24.000,0:09:26.000 for connection. 0:09:28.000,0:09:30.000 The other thing that they had in common 0:09:30.000,0:09:32.000 was this: 0:09:35.000,0:09:38.000 They fully embraced vulnerability. 0:09:40.000,0:09:43.000 They believed 0:09:43.000,0:09:46.000 that what made them vulnerable 0:09:46.000,0:09:48.000 made them beautiful. 0:09:50.000,0:09:52.000 They didn't talk about vulnerability 0:09:52.000,0:09:54.000 being comfortable, 0:09:54.000,0:09:57.000 nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- 0:09:57.000,0:09:59.000 as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. 0:09:59.000,0:10:02.000 They just talked about it being necessary. 0:10:03.000,0:10:05.000 They talked about the willingness 0:10:05.000,0:10:08.000 to say, "I love you" first, 0:10:08.000,0:10:11.000 the willingness 0:10:11.000,0:10:13.000 to do something 0:10:13.000,0:10:16.000 where there are no guarantees, 0:10:16.000,0:10:18.000 the willingness 0:10:18.000,0:10:20.000 to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call 0:10:20.000,0:10:22.000 after your mammogram. 0:10:23.000,0:10:26.000 They're willing to invest in a relationship 0:10:26.000,0:10:29.000 that may or may not work out. 0:10:29.000,0:10:32.000 They thought this was fundamental. 0:10:32.000,0:10:35.000 I personally thought it was betrayal. 0:10:35.000,0:10:38.000 I could not believe I had pledged allegiance 0:10:38.000,0:10:40.000 to research, where our job -- 0:10:40.000,0:10:42.000 you know, the definition of research 0:10:42.000,0:10:45.000 is to control and predict, to study phenomena, 0:10:45.000,0:10:47.000 for the explicit reason 0:10:47.000,0:10:49.000 to control and predict. 0:10:49.000,0:10:51.000 And now my mission 0:10:51.000,0:10:53.000 to control and predict 0:10:53.000,0:10:56.000 had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability 0:10:56.000,0:10:59.000 and to stop controlling and predicting. 0:10:59.000,0:11:02.000 This led to a little breakdown -- 0:11:02.000,0:11:06.000 (Laughter) 0:11:06.000,0:11:09.000 -- which actually looked more like this. 0:11:09.000,0:11:11.000 (Laughter) 0:11:11.000,0:11:13.000 And it did. 0:11:13.000,0:11:16.000 I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. 0:11:17.000,0:11:19.000 A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, 0:11:19.000,0:11:21.000 but I assure you it was a breakdown. 0:11:21.000,0:11:23.000 And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. 0:11:23.000,0:11:26.000 Let me tell you something: you know who you are 0:11:26.000,0:11:29.000 when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. 0:11:29.000,0:11:32.000 Do you have any recommendations?" 0:11:32.000,0:11:34.000 Because about five of my friends were like, 0:11:34.000,0:11:36.000 "Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist." 0:11:36.000,0:11:39.000 (Laughter) 0:11:39.000,0:11:41.000 I was like, "What does that mean?" 0:11:41.000,0:11:44.000 And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. 0:11:44.000,0:11:46.000 Don't bring your measuring stick." 0:11:46.000,0:11:49.000 I was like, "Okay." 0:11:51.000,0:11:53.000 So I found a therapist. 0:11:53.000,0:11:56.000 My first meeting with her, Diana -- 0:11:56.000,0:11:58.000 I brought in my list 0:11:58.000,0:12:01.000 of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. 0:12:01.000,0:12:03.000 And she said, "How are you?" 0:12:03.000,0:12:06.000 And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." 0:12:06.000,0:12:08.000 She said, "What's going on?" 0:12:08.000,0:12:11.000 And this is a therapist who sees therapists, 0:12:11.000,0:12:13.000 because we have to go to those, 0:12:13.000,0:12:16.000 because their B.S. meters are good. 0:12:16.000,0:12:18.000 (Laughter) 0:12:18.000,0:12:20.000 And so I said, 0:12:20.000,0:12:22.000 "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." 0:12:22.000,0:12:24.000 And she said, "What's the struggle?" 0:12:24.000,0:12:27.000 And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. 0:12:27.000,0:12:30.000 And I know that vulnerability is the core 0:12:30.000,0:12:32.000 of shame and fear 0:12:32.000,0:12:34.000 and our struggle for worthiness, 0:12:34.000,0:12:37.000 but it appears that it's also the birthplace 0:12:37.000,0:12:40.000 of joy, of creativity, 0:12:40.000,0:12:42.000 of belonging, of love. 0:12:42.000,0:12:44.000 And I think I have a problem, 0:12:44.000,0:12:47.000 and I need some help." 0:12:47.000,0:12:49.000 And I said, "But here's the thing: 0:12:49.000,0:12:51.000 no family stuff, 0:12:51.000,0:12:53.000 no childhood shit." 0:12:53.000,0:12:55.000 (Laughter) 0:12:55.000,0:12:58.000 "I just need some strategies." 0:12:58.000,0:13:02.000 (Laughter) 0:13:02.000,0:13:05.000 (Applause) 0:13:05.000,0:13:07.000 Thank you. 0:13:09.000,0:13:12.000 So she goes like this. 0:13:12.000,0:13:14.000 (Laughter) 0:13:14.000,0:13:17.000 And then I said, "It's bad, right?" 0:13:17.000,0:13:20.000 And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." 0:13:20.000,0:13:22.000 (Laughter) 0:13:22.000,0:13:24.000 "It just is what it is." 0:13:24.000,0:13:27.000 And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck." 0:13:27.000,0:13:30.000 (Laughter) 0:13:30.000,0:13:32.000 And it did, and it didn't. 0:13:32.000,0:13:35.000 And it took about a year. 0:13:35.000,0:13:37.000 And you know how there are people 0:13:37.000,0:13:40.000 that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, 0:13:40.000,0:13:43.000 that they surrender and walk into it. 0:13:43.000,0:13:45.000 A: that's not me, 0:13:45.000,0:13:48.000 and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. 0:13:48.000,0:13:51.000 (Laughter) 0:13:51.000,0:13:54.000 For me, it was a yearlong street fight. 0:13:54.000,0:13:56.000 It was a slugfest. 0:13:56.000,0:13:58.000 Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. 0:13:58.000,0:14:01.000 I lost the fight, 0:14:01.000,0:14:03.000 but probably won my life back. 0:14:03.000,0:14:05.000 And so then I went back into the research 0:14:05.000,0:14:07.000 and spent the next couple of years 0:14:07.000,0:14:10.000 really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, 0:14:10.000,0:14:12.000 what choices they were making, 0:14:12.000,0:14:14.000 and what are we doing 0:14:14.000,0:14:16.000 with vulnerability. 0:14:16.000,0:14:18.000 Why do we struggle with it so much? 0:14:18.000,0:14:21.000 Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? 0:14:21.000,0:14:23.000 No. 0:14:23.000,0:14:25.000 So this is what I learned. 0:14:26.000,0:14:29.000 We numb vulnerability -- 0:14:29.000,0:14:31.000 when we're waiting for the call. 0:14:31.000,0:14:33.000 It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook 0:14:33.000,0:14:35.000 that says, "How would you define vulnerability? 0:14:35.000,0:14:37.000 What makes you feel vulnerable?" 0:14:37.000,0:14:40.000 And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. 0:14:40.000,0:14:42.000 Because I wanted to know 0:14:42.000,0:14:44.000 what's out there. 0:14:45.000,0:14:47.000 Having to ask my husband for help 0:14:47.000,0:14:50.000 because I'm sick, and we're newly married; 0:14:50.000,0:14:53.000 initiating sex with my husband; 0:14:53.000,0:14:55.000 initiating sex with my wife; 0:14:55.000,0:14:58.000 being turned down; asking someone out; 0:14:58.000,0:15:00.000 waiting for the doctor to call back; 0:15:00.000,0:15:03.000 getting laid off; laying off people -- 0:15:03.000,0:15:05.000 this is the world we live in. 0:15:05.000,0:15:08.000 We live in a vulnerable world. 0:15:08.000,0:15:10.000 And one of the ways we deal with it 0:15:10.000,0:15:12.000 is we numb vulnerability. 0:15:12.000,0:15:14.000 And I think there's evidence -- 0:15:14.000,0:15:16.000 and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, 0:15:16.000,0:15:18.000 but I think it's a huge cause -- 0:15:18.000,0:15:22.000 we are the most in-debt, 0:15:22.000,0:15:25.000 obese, 0:15:25.000,0:15:28.000 addicted and medicated 0:15:28.000,0:15:30.000 adult cohort in U.S. history. 0:15:33.000,0:15:36.000 The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- 0:15:36.000,0:15:39.000 that you cannot selectively numb emotion. 0:15:40.000,0:15:43.000 You can't say, here's the bad stuff. 0:15:43.000,0:15:45.000 Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, 0:15:45.000,0:15:47.000 here's fear, here's disappointment. 0:15:47.000,0:15:49.000 I don't want to feel these. 0:15:49.000,0:15:52.000 I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 0:15:52.000,0:15:54.000 (Laughter) 0:15:54.000,0:15:56.000 I don't want to feel these. 0:15:56.000,0:15:58.000 And I know that's knowing laughter. 0:15:58.000,0:16:01.000 I hack into your lives for a living. 0:16:01.000,0:16:03.000 God. 0:16:03.000,0:16:05.000 (Laughter) 0:16:05.000,0:16:08.000 You can't numb those hard feelings 0:16:08.000,0:16:10.000 without numbing the other affects, our emotions. 0:16:10.000,0:16:12.000 You cannot selectively numb. 0:16:12.000,0:16:15.000 So when we numb those, 0:16:15.000,0:16:17.000 we numb joy, 0:16:17.000,0:16:19.000 we numb gratitude, 0:16:19.000,0:16:21.000 we numb happiness. 0:16:21.000,0:16:24.000 And then we are miserable, 0:16:24.000,0:16:26.000 and we are looking for purpose and meaning, 0:16:26.000,0:16:28.000 and then we feel vulnerable, 0:16:28.000,0:16:31.000 so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 0:16:31.000,0:16:34.000 And it becomes this dangerous cycle. 0:16:36.000,0:16:39.000 One of the things that I think we need to think about 0:16:39.000,0:16:41.000 is why and how we numb. 0:16:41.000,0:16:44.000 And it doesn't just have to be addiction. 0:16:44.000,0:16:46.000 The other thing we do 0:16:46.000,0:16:49.000 is we make everything that's uncertain certain. 0:16:50.000,0:16:53.000 Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery 0:16:53.000,0:16:55.000 to certainty. 0:16:55.000,0:16:58.000 I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. 0:16:58.000,0:17:00.000 That's it. 0:17:00.000,0:17:02.000 Just certain. 0:17:02.000,0:17:04.000 The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, 0:17:04.000,0:17:06.000 the more afraid we are. 0:17:06.000,0:17:08.000 This is what politics looks like today. 0:17:08.000,0:17:10.000 There's no discourse anymore. 0:17:10.000,0:17:12.000 There's no conversation. 0:17:12.000,0:17:14.000 There's just blame. 0:17:14.000,0:17:17.000 You know how blame is described in the research? 0:17:17.000,0:17:20.000 A way to discharge pain and discomfort. 0:17:21.000,0:17:23.000 We perfect. 0:17:23.000,0:17:26.000 If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, 0:17:26.000,0:17:28.000 but it doesn't work. 0:17:28.000,0:17:30.000 Because what we do is we take fat from our butts 0:17:30.000,0:17:32.000 and put it in our cheeks. 0:17:32.000,0:17:35.000 (Laughter) 0:17:35.000,0:17:37.000 Which just, I hope in 100 years, 0:17:37.000,0:17:39.000 people will look back and go, "Wow." 0:17:39.000,0:17:41.000 (Laughter) 0:17:41.000,0:17:43.000 And we perfect, most dangerously, 0:17:43.000,0:17:45.000 our children. 0:17:45.000,0:17:47.000 Let me tell you what we think about children. 0:17:47.000,0:17:50.000 They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. 0:17:50.000,0:17:53.000 And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, 0:17:53.000,0:17:55.000 our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. 0:17:55.000,0:17:57.000 My job is just to keep her perfect -- 0:17:57.000,0:18:00.000 make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade." 0:18:00.000,0:18:02.000 That's not our job. 0:18:02.000,0:18:04.000 Our job is to look and say, 0:18:04.000,0:18:07.000 "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, 0:18:07.000,0:18:09.000 but you are worthy of love and belonging." 0:18:09.000,0:18:11.000 That's our job. 0:18:11.000,0:18:13.000 Show me a generation of kids raised like that, 0:18:13.000,0:18:16.000 and we'll end the problems I think that we see today. 0:18:16.000,0:18:20.000 We pretend that what we do 0:18:20.000,0:18:23.000 doesn't have an effect on people. 0:18:23.000,0:18:25.000 We do that in our personal lives. 0:18:25.000,0:18:27.000 We do that corporate -- 0:18:27.000,0:18:29.000 whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, 0:18:29.000,0:18:31.000 a recall -- 0:18:31.000,0:18:33.000 we pretend like what we're doing 0:18:33.000,0:18:36.000 doesn't have a huge impact on other people. 0:18:36.000,0:18:39.000 I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. 0:18:40.000,0:18:42.000 We just need you to be authentic and real 0:18:42.000,0:18:44.000 and say, "We're sorry. 0:18:44.000,0:18:47.000 We'll fix it." 0:18:50.000,0:18:52.000 But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. 0:18:52.000,0:18:54.000 This is what I have found: 0:18:54.000,0:18:56.000 to let ourselves be seen, 0:18:56.000,0:18:58.000 deeply seen, 0:18:58.000,0:19:01.000 vulnerably seen; 0:19:01.000,0:19:03.000 to love with our whole hearts, 0:19:03.000,0:19:05.000 even though there's no guarantee -- 0:19:05.000,0:19:07.000 and that's really hard, 0:19:07.000,0:19:10.000 and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- 0:19:12.000,0:19:15.000 to practice gratitude and joy 0:19:15.000,0:19:17.000 in those moments of terror, 0:19:17.000,0:19:19.000 when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? 0:19:19.000,0:19:21.000 Can I believe in this this passionately? 0:19:21.000,0:19:24.000 Can I be this fierce about this?" 0:19:24.000,0:19:26.000 just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, 0:19:26.000,0:19:29.000 to say, "I'm just so grateful, 0:19:29.000,0:19:32.000 because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." 0:19:33.000,0:19:36.000 And the last, which I think is probably the most important, 0:19:36.000,0:19:39.000 is to believe that we're enough. 0:19:39.000,0:19:41.000 Because when we work from a place, 0:19:41.000,0:19:44.000 I believe, that says, "I'm enough," 0:19:45.000,0:19:48.000 then we stop screaming and start listening, 0:19:49.000,0:19:51.000 we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, 0:19:51.000,0:19:54.000 and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. 0:19:54.000,0:19:56.000 That's all I have. Thank you. 0:19:56.000,0:19:59.000 (Applause)