For about eight years, I have been
a researcher studying bullying.

When I tell people what I do for a living,

they almost always respond by asking me
why I chose this particular topic.

Was I ever bullied myself?

Or did I perhaps bully others?

Surprisingly, these questions
are not so easy to answer.

I mean, in high school,
I was far from being popular.

I did not have so many friends,

and there was this one guy

who would from time to time
make comments about my short hair.

And this was surely not nice,
but was this really bullying?

I'm not sure.

Then, a few years later, in college,
it was the other way around.

There was this one girl
who I did not really like so much,

and me and my friends excluded her,

and obviously this was
not very nice behavior,

and I feel a bit embarrassed
sharing this with you.

But was this then really bullying?

Even for me, someone
who studies bullying for a living,

it's not so straightforward
to answer these questions.

What about you?

Have you ever been bullied?

Or did you perhaps bully others?

How do you know that what happened
really is bullying,

and not something else such as teasing?

How do you determine that?

Well, in theory it's simple.

There are three elements

that distinguish bullying [from]
other types of negative interactions

such as teasing.

First, there is repetition.

Bullying does not happen once,
but happens over and over again.

Second, there is a power difference.

The bully is stronger than the victim,

and it can be that the bully
is physically stronger,

but it can also be that the bully
is socially stronger -

for instance, by having more friends.

Third, there is an intention to harm.

Bullies on purpose hurt the victim.

So it's not an accident.

Now that you know these three elements -

so, repetition, power difference
and intention to harm -

can you apply them

to the bullying situation
you were just thinking about?

Does it change your conclusion

on whether it's really bullying or not?

As you may notice,
in theory it's quite simple,

but in practice it can be difficult

to apply these three elements
to real-life situations.

Let's try for the two
examples I just gave.

So the guy in high school -

There was repetition

because he made comments
about my short hair more than once.

There probably
also was a power difference

because this guy was a lot taller
and stronger than I was.

The third element is a bit difficult:
the intention to harm.

I have no idea what his intentions were.

But we can say that at least
two out of three elements of bullying

were present in high school.

But what counts perhaps the most

is that I did not
feel bullied at that time.

Let's go to the example
of the girl in college.

Also, this happened more often,
so there was repetition.

There may have been a power difference
as I think I had more friends than her,

but I am not sure.

And yeah, with respect
to the intention to harm,

I don't know what my intentions were,
but it was not to harm her.

So also here, two out of three
elements were present.

And at that time,

it did not feel like bullying to me,
but maybe it did to her.

Let's move from these
two examples in my life

to a way larger group.

My colleagues and I asked hundreds
of primary and secondary school students

and their teachers and their classmates

about bullying the in their classrooms,

and we found that
their perceptions differed a lot.

So many students reported to be bullied,

but their classmates and the teachers
didn't see them as being bullied.

Some of the teachers even said to us
that they were aware of this,

that they had some students
in the classroom who felt bullied,

but that these students
were not really bullied,

that they were wrong,
that they were exaggerating.

Based on my personal
and professional experience,

the idea that I would like
to share with you

is maybe we should let go a little bit
of this scientific definition of bullying,

this idea of "actual" bullying,

and focus on people's feelings instead.

We spend a lot of time and effort

trying to find out whether someone
is actually bullied or not,

whereas in practice,

it's often very difficult
to reconstruct what exactly happened.

These three elements of bullying,

they provide useful
and necessary guidelines,

but as we just have seen,

it's not so straightforward
to apply them to real-life situations.

What counts perhaps the most
is whether you feel bullied

rather than that you are actually bullied.

After all, it's the perceived
bullying that affects you,

and, yeah, not the actual bullying.

So instead of spending so much time

on finding out if someone
is bullied or not,

let's take feelings seriously.

When someone feels bullied, they feel bad,

even if the environment thinks
that this person is not bullied.

In fact, if everyone around you
thinks you're not bullied,

you may feel even worse.

My message to you is:
you can make a difference.

Please be aware that
there is bullying everywhere,

in almost every group -

also at your workplace,
school, sports club.

It's everywhere.

You just may not see it.

What is a joke to you
could be bullying to someone else.

When someone tells you
that they feel bullied,

you can make a difference
by taking this seriously

rather than starting a whole discussion
on whether this is actual bullying or not.

Please be aware that
for people who are bullied,

it can be very difficult
to talk about the bullying

because they feel embarrassed

or they are afraid
the situation will only get worse.

So when someone tells you they're bullied,

please be open and trust that this person
is truly dealing with something,

and try to look for a solution together.

And if you feel bullied but are not
taken seriously by the people around you,

please do not start
to doubt your own feelings.

You believe that the people around you
are treating you in a bad way,

and that is what counts.

Take your own feelings seriously as well.

And it's your reality -

nobody has a right to deny it.

Thank you.

(Applause)