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For about eight years, I have been
a researcher studying bullying.

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When I tell people what I do for a living,

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they almost always respond by asking me
why I chose this particular topic.

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Was I ever bullied myself?

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Or did I perhaps bully others?

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Surprisingly, these questions
are not so easy to answer.

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I mean, in high school,
I was far from being popular.

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I did not have so many friends,

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and there was this one guy

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who would from time to time
make comments about my short hair.

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And this was surely not nice,
but was this really bullying?

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I'm not sure.

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Then, a few years later, in college,
it was the other way around.

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There was this one girl
who I did not really like so much,

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and me and my friends excluded her,

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and obviously this was
not very nice behavior,

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and I feel a bit embarrassed
sharing this with you.

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But was this then really bullying?

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Even for me, someone
who studies bullying for a living,

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it's not so straightforward
to answer these questions.

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What about you?

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Have you ever been bullied?

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Or did you perhaps bully others?

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How do you know that what happened
really is bullying,

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and not something else such as teasing?

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How do you determine that?

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Well, in theory it's simple.

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There are three elements

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that distinguish bullying [from]
other types of negative interactions

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such as teasing.

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First, there is repetition.

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Bullying does not happen once,
but happens over and over again.

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Second, there is a power difference.

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The bully is stronger than the victim,

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and it can be that the bully
is physically stronger,

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but it can also be that the bully
is socially stronger -

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for instance, by having more friends.

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Third, there is an intention to harm.

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Bullies on purpose hurt the victim.

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So it's not an accident.

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Now that you know these three elements -

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so, repetition, power difference
and intention to harm -

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can you apply them

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to the bullying situation
you were just thinking about?

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Does it change your conclusion

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on whether it's really bullying or not?

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As you may notice,
in theory it's quite simple,

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but in practice it can be difficult

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to apply these three elements
to real-life situations.

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Let's try for the two
examples I just gave.

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So the guy in high school -

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There was repetition

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because he made comments
about my short hair more than once.

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There probably
also was a power difference

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because this guy was a lot taller
and stronger than I was.

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The third element is a bit difficult:
the intention to harm.

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I have no idea what his intentions were.

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But we can say that at least
two out of three elements of bullying

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were present in high school.

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But what counts perhaps the most

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is that I did not
feel bullied at that time.

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Let's go to the example
of the girl in college.

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Also, this happened more often,
so there was repetition.

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There may have been a power difference
as I think I had more friends than her,

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but I am not sure.

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And yeah, with respect
to the intention to harm,

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I don't know what my intentions were,
but it was not to harm her.

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So also here, two out of three
elements were present.

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And at that time,

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it did not feel like bullying to me,
but maybe it did to her.

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Let's move from these
two examples in my life

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to a way larger group.

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My colleagues and I asked hundreds
of primary and secondary school students

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and their teachers and their classmates

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about bullying the in their classrooms,

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and we found that
their perceptions differed a lot.

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So many students reported to be bullied,

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but their classmates and the teachers
didn't see them as being bullied.

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Some of the teachers even said to us
that they were aware of this,

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that they had some students
in the classroom who felt bullied,

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but that these students
were not really bullied,

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that they were wrong,
that they were exaggerating.

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Based on my personal
and professional experience,

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the idea that I would like
to share with you

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is maybe we should let go a little bit
of this scientific definition of bullying,

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this idea of "actual" bullying,

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and focus on people's feelings instead.

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We spend a lot of time and effort

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trying to find out whether someone
is actually bullied or not,

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whereas in practice,

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it's often very difficult
to reconstruct what exactly happened.

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These three elements of bullying,

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they provide useful
and necessary guidelines,

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but as we just have seen,

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it's not so straightforward
to apply them to real-life situations.

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What counts perhaps the most
is whether you feel bullied

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rather than that you are actually bullied.

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After all, it's the perceived
bullying that affects you,

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and, yeah, not the actual bullying.

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So instead of spending so much time

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on finding out if someone
is bullied or not,

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let's take feelings seriously.

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When someone feels bullied, they feel bad,

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even if the environment thinks
that this person is not bullied.

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In fact, if everyone around you
thinks you're not bullied,

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you may feel even worse.

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My message to you is:
you can make a difference.

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Please be aware that
there is bullying everywhere,

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in almost every group -

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also at your workplace,
school, sports club.

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It's everywhere.

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You just may not see it.

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What is a joke to you
could be bullying to someone else.

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When someone tells you
that they feel bullied,

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you can make a difference
by taking this seriously

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rather than starting a whole discussion
on whether this is actual bullying or not.

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Please be aware that
for people who are bullied,

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it can be very difficult
to talk about the bullying

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because they feel embarrassed

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or they are afraid
the situation will only get worse.

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So when someone tells you they're bullied,

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please be open and trust that this person
is truly dealing with something,

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and try to look for a solution together.

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And if you feel bullied but are not
taken seriously by the people around you,

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please do not start
to doubt your own feelings.

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You believe that the people around you
are treating you in a bad way,

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and that is what counts.

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Take your own feelings seriously as well.

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And it's your reality -

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nobody has a right to deny it.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)