1 00:00:00,142 --> 00:00:00,972 Coming out. 2 00:00:01,016 --> 00:00:02,263 Typically we think of this 3 00:00:02,307 --> 00:00:04,885 as being an experience specific to the queer community. 4 00:00:04,909 --> 00:00:07,574 But we all have things that we're keeping in our closets. 5 00:00:07,598 --> 00:00:10,071 It could be something about our home and family life, 6 00:00:10,125 --> 00:00:11,841 about our mental or physical health. 7 00:00:11,865 --> 00:00:14,704 Maybe you're not allergic to cats, you just don't like them. 8 00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:15,840 I feel you on that one. 9 00:00:15,868 --> 00:00:18,231 Whatever it is that you're keeping in your closet, 10 00:00:18,266 --> 00:00:20,173 it shapes the way you navigate the world. 11 00:00:20,195 --> 00:00:21,741 That can include your work life. 12 00:00:21,775 --> 00:00:24,813 So how do we go about disclosing these important, 13 00:00:24,857 --> 00:00:27,664 but sometimes difficult to talk about aspects of who we are? 14 00:00:27,708 --> 00:00:29,286 And when someone comes out to us, 15 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,498 what can we best do to listen and support them? 16 00:00:31,542 --> 00:00:32,902 [The Way We Work] 17 00:00:34,196 --> 00:00:36,195 [Made possible with the support of Dropbox] 18 00:00:36,219 --> 00:00:37,426 Hi, my name's Micah. 19 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:38,806 But it hasn't always been. 20 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,799 After a year at my current place of work, 21 00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,934 I started the process of coming out as trans. 22 00:00:42,958 --> 00:00:45,054 When I sat down with human resources to talk 23 00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:47,916 about how to reintroduce myself to everybody, 24 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:49,566 neither of us had answers. 25 00:00:49,590 --> 00:00:52,686 Nobody at my place of work had come out as trans before, 26 00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:54,566 but that's what I'm here to offer you. 27 00:00:54,590 --> 00:00:55,865 Three tips on how to talk 28 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,076 about things that are hard to talk about. 29 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,918 And for those of you on the other side of the conversation, 30 00:01:00,942 --> 00:01:03,736 I have some advice for you too, on how you can best listen, 31 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,096 respond and be an active ally for your colleague. 32 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,172 I can't give you the exact words to say, 33 00:01:08,196 --> 00:01:10,216 because they should be your own. 34 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,964 After all I don't know what you're keeping in your closet. 35 00:01:12,988 --> 00:01:14,187 But whatever it might be, 36 00:01:14,211 --> 00:01:16,609 I hope these tips will provide you with a framework 37 00:01:16,633 --> 00:01:19,458 that's going to help you decide exactly what you want to say 38 00:01:19,482 --> 00:01:20,776 and how you want to say it. 39 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,536 Know what you want and don't want out of the conversation. 40 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,666 To know this, ask yourself questions like, 41 00:01:25,690 --> 00:01:26,848 do I need anything 42 00:01:26,872 --> 00:01:28,927 from the person that I'm disclosing this to? 43 00:01:28,951 --> 00:01:31,260 Where do I want the conversation to go from here, 44 00:01:31,284 --> 00:01:32,441 if anywhere at all? 45 00:01:32,465 --> 00:01:33,861 And how do I want this person 46 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,853 to understand my own relationship with this aspect of who I am? 47 00:01:36,877 --> 00:01:39,516 So, in my case, I knew I wanted people to call me 48 00:01:39,540 --> 00:01:41,466 by my new name and pronouns. 49 00:01:41,490 --> 00:01:43,566 But I also didn't want them to avoid me 50 00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,097 out of fear of messing them up. 51 00:01:45,121 --> 00:01:46,470 This was going to take time. 52 00:01:46,494 --> 00:01:49,226 And I wanted this to feel like any other ordinary fact 53 00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:50,776 about who I am. 54 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,852 So now we know what we want to communicate. 55 00:01:52,876 --> 00:01:54,937 Let's talk about how we're going to say it. 56 00:01:54,961 --> 00:01:56,191 By setting the tone. 57 00:01:56,215 --> 00:01:58,437 You're going to want to present the information 58 00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,754 in the same way you want people to respond to it. 59 00:02:00,778 --> 00:02:03,135 They're going to be looking and listening for cues 60 00:02:03,159 --> 00:02:04,877 on what the appropriate response is. 61 00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:07,219 Is this something that you want to be celebrated? 62 00:02:07,243 --> 00:02:08,486 I'm trans! 63 00:02:08,510 --> 00:02:11,369 Or do you want to just address it and move on with your life? 64 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:12,826 Oh, by the way, I'm trans. 65 00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:15,526 There's no one right way to say it for everybody. 66 00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:18,126 What's most important here is what's right for you. 67 00:02:18,150 --> 00:02:19,313 Another note, 68 00:02:19,337 --> 00:02:21,446 we're not going to be able to control the way 69 00:02:21,470 --> 00:02:23,193 in which everybody responds to this. 70 00:02:23,217 --> 00:02:24,781 But what we do have control over 71 00:02:24,805 --> 00:02:26,833 is how they understand our own relationship 72 00:02:26,857 --> 00:02:28,294 with this part of who we are. 73 00:02:28,318 --> 00:02:30,190 So now that we know what we want to say 74 00:02:30,214 --> 00:02:31,460 and how we want to say it, 75 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,834 where do we want the conversation to go from here? 76 00:02:33,858 --> 00:02:35,875 Well, my advice is to give an action item. 77 00:02:35,899 --> 00:02:38,314 This will help you keep control of the conversation 78 00:02:38,338 --> 00:02:39,829 by giving people direction 79 00:02:39,853 --> 00:02:42,588 on what they're supposed to do or say next. 80 00:02:42,612 --> 00:02:46,606 I knew I wanted this to feel like any other ordinary fact about who I am. 81 00:02:46,630 --> 00:02:48,726 So I decided I was going to use my coming out 82 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,689 to solve an ordinary problem. 83 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:52,657 And I sent the following email. 84 00:02:52,681 --> 00:02:54,936 "Hello all, I need your help. 85 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,889 I am in the market for a moisturizer to help with my dry skin. 86 00:02:57,913 --> 00:03:00,174 I'm also in the process of out as trans. 87 00:03:00,198 --> 00:03:01,586 I'm changing my name to Micah 88 00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:04,126 and my pronouns are he, him, his. 89 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:06,938 If you have any questions about my change in pronouns 90 00:03:06,962 --> 00:03:08,573 or my skin care needs, 91 00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:09,896 feel free to send an email 92 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:12,066 to my updated contact information. 93 00:03:12,090 --> 00:03:14,537 And I'd also like to note that while my skin is dry, 94 00:03:14,557 --> 00:03:16,276 it is not too sensitive. 95 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,741 We're all going to mess up my name and my pronouns, 96 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:19,939 myself included. 97 00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:22,662 So when this happens, don't panic or cringe! 98 00:03:22,686 --> 00:03:24,016 Please be kind to yourself 99 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,423 as we stumble through these growing pains together. 100 00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:29,088 I'm fortunate and grateful to work in a place 101 00:03:29,112 --> 00:03:31,056 where I feel embraced in any form, 102 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,521 be it as a transgender man or a person with dry skin 103 00:03:34,545 --> 00:03:36,419 or in this case, both." 104 00:03:37,090 --> 00:03:39,316 Now, I'm going to be honest, 105 00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,743 I haven't made many changes to my skin-care routine 106 00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:42,989 since sending this email. 107 00:03:43,013 --> 00:03:45,577 But I will say that I am feeling much more comfortable 108 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:46,762 in my own skin. 109 00:03:46,786 --> 00:03:49,475 And that's what thanks to responses like these. 110 00:03:49,839 --> 00:03:51,841 [You have all the love and support, Micah! 111 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:54,455 And please know that I highly rec Clinique products.] 112 00:03:54,479 --> 00:03:55,650 [You are the best. 113 00:03:55,674 --> 00:03:58,656 You are and will always be one of my favorite people (at work). 114 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,562 Even if you do have terribly dry skin.] 115 00:04:00,586 --> 00:04:01,823 [Thank you for being you, 116 00:04:01,847 --> 00:04:05,458 however much or little you want to talk about dry skin, genders, bodies, etc. 117 00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:06,649 I will be here for you.] 118 00:04:06,673 --> 00:04:09,696 [Thank you for giving us permission to mess up ...] 119 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,092 Now you might be wondering, 120 00:04:11,116 --> 00:04:13,124 if I'm the listener in this conversation, 121 00:04:13,148 --> 00:04:15,152 what can I best do to support my colleague 122 00:04:15,176 --> 00:04:17,645 other than maybe referring them to my dermatologist? 123 00:04:17,669 --> 00:04:19,615 Well, for starters, listen 124 00:04:19,639 --> 00:04:21,886 with an open heart and an empathetic ear. 125 00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:24,071 You're especially going to want to listen here 126 00:04:24,095 --> 00:04:26,241 for the specific language the person is using 127 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:28,273 to describe themself and their experience 128 00:04:28,297 --> 00:04:29,824 because that's the same language 129 00:04:29,848 --> 00:04:31,816 you're going to want to use back to them. 130 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,540 You might be tempted to ask your coworkers some questions 131 00:04:34,564 --> 00:04:35,716 about their identity. 132 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,225 Before you ask them a question, 133 00:04:37,249 --> 00:04:38,440 ask yourself, 134 00:04:38,464 --> 00:04:40,759 can I find the answer to this in a search engine? 135 00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:42,219 Chances are the answer is yes. 136 00:04:42,243 --> 00:04:44,060 And if the answer is no, ask yourself, 137 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,718 is this too personal of a question 138 00:04:45,742 --> 00:04:47,346 for me to be asking my colleague. 139 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,283 One question that is okay to ask though, 140 00:04:49,307 --> 00:04:51,941 is there anything I can do to support you at this time? 141 00:04:51,965 --> 00:04:55,168 This is a note for if you're responding in the moment and in person. 142 00:04:55,192 --> 00:04:56,956 But if you want to be an active ally, 143 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:58,608 the conversation doesn't end here, 144 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,941 it picks up again with your colleagues and human resources 145 00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,446 on how you can make your workplace more inclusive 146 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,978 of this person's identity. 147 00:05:06,002 --> 00:05:08,127 Chances are it's not just going to help them 148 00:05:08,151 --> 00:05:09,914 but maybe someone else down the line. 149 00:05:09,938 --> 00:05:11,097 Now, in my case, 150 00:05:11,121 --> 00:05:13,510 it would be adding pronouns to your email signature 151 00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,455 and asking your coworkers to do the same 152 00:05:15,479 --> 00:05:17,582 in order to help normalize it across the org. 153 00:05:17,606 --> 00:05:19,097 It could also be talking to HR 154 00:05:19,121 --> 00:05:22,196 about having more trans-inclusive health care policies. 155 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,673 And my last piece of advice is for both the listener 156 00:05:24,697 --> 00:05:26,403 and the leader in the conversation. 157 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,556 Remember that they're the same person 158 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,386 you've always known them to be. 159 00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:32,681 It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas 160 00:05:32,705 --> 00:05:34,776 that often keep our closet doors shut. 161 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,975 We're afraid people are now going to see us as this thing 162 00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:40,980 instead of seeing this thing as an aspect of who we are, 163 00:05:41,004 --> 00:05:42,160 of we've always been. 164 00:05:42,184 --> 00:05:44,096 I know that was the case for me too, 165 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,706 but it got easier for me to say, my name is Micah 166 00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:49,943 because of the way I saw it not only accepted, 167 00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:53,406 but enthusiastically embraced by all of my coworkers. 168 00:05:53,430 --> 00:05:55,986 So whatever it is you're keeping in your closet, 169 00:05:56,010 --> 00:05:57,626 I hope these tips empower you 170 00:05:57,650 --> 00:06:00,196 to bring your authentic self into your workplace 171 00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:03,722 and hopefully feel more comfortable in your own skin.