[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.60,0:00:05.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I'll start with this: a couple\Nyears ago, an event planner called me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.08,0:00:07.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I was going\Nto do a speaking event.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.16,0:00:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she called, and she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.87,0:00:12.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm really struggling with how\Nto write about you on the little flyer."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.47,0:00:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought,\N"Well, what's the struggle?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.23,0:00:17.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.16,0:00:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to call you\Na researcher, I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.66,0:00:22.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm afraid if I call you\Na researcher, no one will come,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.58,0:00:25.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they'll think\Nyou're boring and irrelevant."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.06,0:00:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.08,0:00:27.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.68,0:00:30.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "But the thing\NI liked about your talk
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.19,0:00:31.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is you're a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.43,0:00:34.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I think what I'll do\Nis just call you a storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.73,0:00:37.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course, the academic,\Ninsecure part of me
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.73,0:00:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was like, "You're going\Nto call me a what?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.06,0:00:42.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "I'm going\Nto call you a storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.64,0:00:45.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.51,0:00:47.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.39,0:00:51.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Let me think\Nabout this for a second."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.03,0:00:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tried to call deep on my courage.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.59,0:00:57.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, you know,\NI am a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.73,0:00:59.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a qualitative researcher.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.16,0:01:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I collect stories; that's what I do.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.40,0:01:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe stories\Nare just data with a soul.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.32,0:01:06.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.73,0:01:08.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I said, "You know what?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.41,0:01:11.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why don't you just say\NI'm a researcher-storyteller."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.08,0:01:14.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she went, "Ha ha.\NThere's no such thing."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.73,0:01:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.44,0:01:20.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm a researcher-storyteller,\Nand I'm going to talk to you today --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.44,0:01:22.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're talking about\Nexpanding perception --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.51,0:01:24.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I want to talk to you\Nand tell some stories
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.92,0:01:30.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about a piece of my research\Nthat fundamentally expanded my perception
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.10,0:01:32.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and really actually changed\Nthe way that I live and love
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.01,0:01:34.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and work and parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.83,0:01:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is where my story starts.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.73,0:01:40.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a young researcher,\Ndoctoral student,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.44,0:01:44.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my first year, I had\Na research professor who said to us,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.44,0:01:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Here's the thing, if you cannot\Nmeasure it, it does not exist."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.11,0:01:52.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought he was just\Nsweet-talking me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.08,0:01:55.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Really?"\Nand he was like, "Absolutely."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.54,0:01:57.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so you have to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.82,0:02:00.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have a bachelor's\Nand a master's in social work,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.42,0:02:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,\Nso my entire academic career
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.82,0:02:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was surrounded by people who kind of\Nbelieved in the "life's messy, love it."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.21,0:02:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm more of the, "life's messy,\Nclean it up, organize it
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.67,0:02:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it into a bento box."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.47,0:02:19.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.76,0:02:25.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so to think that I had found my way,\Nto found a career that takes me --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.10,0:02:28.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really, one of the big sayings\Nin social work is,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.45,0:02:30.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Lean into the discomfort of the work."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.28,0:02:33.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm like, knock discomfort\Nupside the head
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.83,0:02:36.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and move it over and get all A's.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.14,0:02:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was my mantra.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.73,0:02:41.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was very excited about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.73,0:02:44.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I thought, you know what,\Nthis is the career for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.73,0:02:47.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I am interested\Nin some messy topics.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.73,0:02:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I want to be able\Nto make them not messy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.12,0:02:51.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to understand them.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.47,0:02:55.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to hack into these things\Nthat I know are important
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.07,0:02:57.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and lay the code out for everyone to see.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.73,0:03:00.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So where I started was with connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.41,0:03:03.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, by the time\Nyou're a social worker for 10 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.85,0:03:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what you realize is that connection\Nis why we're here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.58,0:03:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's what gives purpose\Nand meaning to our lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.82,0:03:13.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what it's all about.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.63,0:03:15.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't matter whether\Nyou talk to people
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.75,0:03:18.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who work in social justice,\Nmental health and abuse and neglect,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.86,0:03:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what we know is that connection,\Nthe ability to feel connected, is --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.69,0:03:26.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurobiologically\Nthat's how we're wired --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.73,0:03:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's why we're here.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.13,0:03:31.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I thought, you know what,\NI'm going to start with connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.81,0:03:33.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you know that situation
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.73,0:03:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you get an evaluation\Nfrom your boss,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.26,0:03:39.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she tells you 37 things\Nthat you do really awesome,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.07,0:03:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one "opportunity for growth?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.47,0:03:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.94,0:03:47.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all you can think about\Nis that opportunity for growth, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.43,0:03:50.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, apparently this is the way\Nmy work went as well,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.15,0:03:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, when you ask people about love,\Nthey tell you about heartbreak.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.15,0:03:57.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you ask people about belonging,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.81,0:04:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they'll tell you their most excruciating\Nexperiences of being excluded.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.78,0:04:04.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you ask people about connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.31,0:04:06.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the stories they told me\Nwere about disconnection.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.86,0:04:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So very quickly -- really about six weeks\Ninto this research --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.91,0:04:16.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ran into this unnamed thing\Nthat absolutely unraveled connection
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.95,0:04:19.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that I didn't understand\Nor had never seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.85,0:04:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I pulled back out of the research
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.85,0:04:24.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thought, I need\Nto figure out what this is.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.10,0:04:26.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it turned out to be shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.95,0:04:31.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And shame is really easily understood\Nas the fear of disconnection:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.95,0:04:36.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is there something about me that,\Nif other people know it or see it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.53,0:04:39.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I won't be worthy of connection?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.33,0:04:42.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The things I can tell you about it:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.04,0:04:43.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's universal; we all have it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.73,0:04:45.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only people who don't experience shame
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.75,0:04:48.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have no capacity for human\Nempathy or connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.11,0:04:49.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one wants to talk about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.73,0:04:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the less you talk about it,\Nthe more you have it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.74,0:04:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What underpinned this shame,\Nthis "I'm not good enough," --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.94,0:05:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which, we all know that feeling:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.56,0:05:02.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm not blank enough.\NI'm not thin enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.64,0:05:05.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rich enough, beautiful enough,\Nsmart enough, promoted enough."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.91,0:05:10.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The thing that underpinned this\Nwas excruciating vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.60,0:05:15.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This idea of, in order\Nfor connection to happen,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.73,0:05:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to allow ourselves\Nto be seen, really seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.80,0:05:23.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know how I feel\Nabout vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.02,0:05:28.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I thought, this is my chance\Nto beat it back with my measuring stick.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.54,0:05:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going in, I'm going\Nto figure this stuff out,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.26,0:05:34.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to spend a year,\NI'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.59,0:05:36.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to understand\Nhow vulnerability works,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.90,0:05:38.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm going to outsmart it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.38,0:05:41.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was ready, and I was really excited.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.98,0:05:47.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you know,\Nit's not going to turn out well.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.15,0:05:49.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.68,0:05:51.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know this.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.30,0:05:53.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.21,0:05:55.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'd have to borrow\Neveryone else's time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.34,0:05:58.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's what I can tell you\Nthat it boils down to --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.22,0:06:01.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this may be one of the most important\Nthings that I've ever learned
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.62,0:06:03.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the decade of doing this research.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.81,0:06:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My one year turned into six years:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.02,0:06:13.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thousands of stories, hundreds\Nof long interviews, focus groups.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.73,0:06:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At one point, people were\Nsending me journal pages
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.14,0:06:17.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sending me their stories --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.100,0:06:21.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands of pieces of data in six years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.01,0:06:23.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I kind of got a handle on it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.73,0:06:26.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I kind of understood, this is\Nwhat shame is, this is how it works.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.19,0:06:34.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote a book, I published a theory,\Nbut something was not okay --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.46,0:06:38.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what it was is that, if I roughly\Ntook the people I interviewed
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.64,0:06:45.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and divided them into people who really\Nhave a sense of worthiness --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.24,0:06:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's what this comes down to,\Na sense of worthiness --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.02,0:06:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have a strong sense\Nof love and belonging --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.27,0:06:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and folks who struggle for it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.95,0:06:56.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and folks who are always wondering\Nif they're good enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.07,0:06:58.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was only one variable that separated
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.33,0:07:01.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the people who have a strong sense\Nof love and belonging
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.10,0:07:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people who really struggle for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.38,0:07:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that was, the people who have\Na strong sense of love and belonging
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.12,0:07:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,believe they're worthy\Nof love and belonging.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.44,0:07:11.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.24,0:07:13.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They believe they're worthy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.48,0:07:21.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to me, the hard part of the one thing\Nthat keeps us out of connection
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.32,0:07:24.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is our fear that we're not\Nworthy of connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.56,0:07:26.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was something that,\Npersonally and professionally,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.98,0:07:29.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt like I needed to understand better.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.55,0:07:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I did is I took\Nall of the interviews
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.55,0:07:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I saw worthiness,\Nwhere I saw people living that way,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.39,0:07:39.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just looked at those.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.05,0:07:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do these people have in common?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.13,0:07:46.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a slight office supply addiction,\Nbut that's another talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.79,0:07:50.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I had a manila folder,\Nand I had a Sharpie,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.29,0:07:52.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, what am I going\Nto call this research?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.94,0:07:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the first words that came\Nto my mind were "whole-hearted."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.55,0:08:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are whole-hearted people,\Nliving from this deep sense of worthiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.09,0:08:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I wrote at the top\Nof the manila folder,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.97,0:08:04.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I started looking at the data.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.92,0:08:10.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I did it first in a four-day,\Nvery intensive data analysis,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.94,0:08:14.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I went back, pulled the interviews,\Nthe stories, pulled the incidents.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.54,0:08:16.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the theme? What's the pattern?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.11,0:08:20.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My husband left town with the kids
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.11,0:08:23.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I always go into this\NJackson Pollock crazy thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.11,0:08:26.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I'm just writing\Nand in my researcher mode.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.36,0:08:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so here's what I found.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.85,0:08:35.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What they had in common\Nwas a sense of courage.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.36,0:08:39.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want to separate courage\Nand bravery for you for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.48,0:08:41.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Courage, the original\Ndefinition of courage,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.95,0:08:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it first came\Ninto the English language --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.21,0:08:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's from the Latin word "cor,"\Nmeaning "heart" --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.59,0:08:49.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the original definition was to tell\Nthe story of who you are
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.62,0:08:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with your whole heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.80,0:08:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so these folks had, very simply,\Nthe courage to be imperfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.37,0:09:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They had the compassion to be kind\Nto themselves first and then to others,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.37,0:09:04.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, as it turns out,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.60,0:09:06.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can't practice compassion\Nwith other people
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.85,0:09:08.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.100,0:09:13.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the last was they had connection,\Nand -- this was the hard part --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.42,0:09:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a result of authenticity,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.42,0:09:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were willing to let go\Nof who they thought they should be
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.73,0:09:24.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to be who they were,\Nwhich you have to absolutely do that
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.36,0:09:25.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.06,0:09:32.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing that they had\Nin common was this:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.65,0:09:38.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They fully embraced vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.42,0:09:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They believed that what made them\Nvulnerable made them beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.88,0:09:54.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't talk about vulnerability\Nbeing comfortable,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.73,0:09:57.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nor did they really talk\Nabout it being excruciating --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.58,0:10:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as I had heard it earlier\Nin the shame interviewing.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.08,0:10:02.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just talked about it being necessary.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.37,0:10:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They talked about the willingness\Nto say, "I love you" first ...
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.12,0:10:14.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the willingness to do something\Nwhere there are no guarantees ...
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.02,0:10:20.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the willingness to breathe\Nthrough waiting for the doctor to call
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.38,0:10:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after your mammogram.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.37,0:10:26.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're willing to invest\Nin a relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.66,0:10:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that may or may not work out.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.20,0:10:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They thought this was fundamental.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.18,0:10:34.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I personally thought it was betrayal.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.59,0:10:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could not believe I had pledged\Nallegiance to research, where our job --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.21,0:10:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, the definition of research\Nis to control and predict,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.30,0:10:48.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to study phenomena for the explicit\Nreason to control and predict.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.96,0:10:53.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now my mission to control and predict
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.35,0:10:56.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had turned up the answer\Nthat the way to live is with vulnerability
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.94,0:10:59.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to stop controlling and predicting.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.07,0:11:00.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This led to a little breakdown --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.64,0:11:06.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.73,0:11:09.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,-- which actually looked more like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.73,0:11:11.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.25,0:11:13.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it did.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.25,0:11:16.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I call it a breakdown; my therapist\Ncalls it a spiritual awakening.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.45,0:11:17.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.71,0:11:20.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A spiritual awakening\Nsounds better than breakdown,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.15,0:11:21.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I assure you, it was a breakdown.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.95,0:11:24.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I had to put my data away\Nand go find a therapist.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.88,0:11:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me tell you something:\Nyou know who you are
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.14,0:11:30.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you call your friends and say,\N"I think I need to see somebody.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.40,0:11:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you have any recommendations?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.23,0:11:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because about five\Nof my friends were like,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.30,0:11:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wooo, I wouldn't want\Nto be your therapist."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.47,0:11:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.23,0:11:41.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "What does that mean?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.23,0:11:44.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're like,\N"I'm just saying, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.46,0:11:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't bring your measuring stick."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.46,0:11:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.22,0:11:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.28,0:11:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I found a therapist.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.14,0:11:55.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My first meeting with her, Diana --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.85,0:12:01.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I brought in my list of the way\Nthe whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.17,0:12:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "How are you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.00,0:12:06.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.62,0:12:08.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "What's going on?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.17,0:12:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is a therapist\Nwho sees therapists,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.81,0:12:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we have to go to those,\Nbecause their B.S. meters are good.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.05,0:12:18.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.48,0:12:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I said, "Here's the thing,\NI'm struggling."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.33,0:12:24.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "What's the struggle?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.18,0:12:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Well, I have\Na vulnerability issue.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.47,0:12:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know that vulnerability\Nis the core of shame and fear
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.85,0:12:34.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our struggle for worthiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.47,0:12:40.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it appears that it's also\Nthe birthplace of joy, of creativity,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.17,0:12:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of belonging, of love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.52,0:12:47.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think I have a problem,\Nand I need some help."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.98,0:12:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "But here's the thing:\Nno family stuff, no childhood shit."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.17,0:12:55.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.17,0:12:58.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I just need some strategies."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.17,0:13:02.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.17,0:13:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.78,0:13:07.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.02,0:13:10.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So she goes like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.17,0:13:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.55,0:13:17.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.17,0:13:20.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.17,0:13:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.02,0:13:23.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It just is what it is."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.40,0:13:27.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Oh my God,\Nthis is going to suck."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.17,0:13:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.33,0:13:32.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it did, and it didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.61,0:13:34.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it took about a year.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.70,0:13:36.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you know how there are people
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.74,0:13:40.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, when they realize that vulnerability\Nand tenderness are important,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.79,0:13:42.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they surrender and walk into it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.97,0:13:45.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A: that's not me,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.96,0:13:48.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and B: I don't even hang out\Nwith people like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.38,0:13:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.17,0:13:53.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.49,0:13:55.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a slugfest.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.08,0:13:57.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.33,0:14:01.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I lost the fight,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.44,0:14:03.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but probably won my life back.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.47,0:14:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so then I went back into the research
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.47,0:14:07.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and spent the next couple of years
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.17,0:14:10.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really trying to understand\Nwhat they, the whole-hearted,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.17,0:14:16.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what choices they were making,\Nand what we are doing with vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.17,0:14:18.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we struggle with it so much?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.53,0:14:20.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Am I alone in struggling\Nwith vulnerability?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.93,0:14:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.17,0:14:24.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this is what I learned.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.70,0:14:28.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We numb vulnerability --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.42,0:14:31.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're waiting for the call.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.03,0:14:33.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was funny, I sent something out\Non Twitter and on Facebook
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.94,0:14:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says, "How would you\Ndefine vulnerability?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.24,0:14:37.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What makes you feel vulnerable?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.81,0:14:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And within an hour and a half,\NI had 150 responses.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.56,0:14:43.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I wanted to know what's out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:45.94,0:14:50.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having to ask my husband for help\Nbecause I'm sick, and we're newly married;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.99,0:14:52.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,initiating sex with my husband;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.02,0:14:55.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,initiating sex with my wife;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.76,0:14:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being turned down; asking someone out;
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.76,0:15:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,waiting for the doctor to call back;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.82,0:15:03.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,getting laid off; laying off people.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.19,0:15:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the world we live in.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.70,0:15:08.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We live in a vulnerable world.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.69,0:15:11.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the ways we deal\Nwith it is we numb vulnerability.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.43,0:15:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think there's evidence --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.17,0:15:16.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's not the only reason\Nthis evidence exists,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.57,0:15:18.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think it's a huge cause --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.70,0:15:21.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the most in-debt ...
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.28,0:15:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,obese ...
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.65,0:15:29.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,addicted and medicated\Nadult cohort in U.S. history.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.06,0:15:36.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is -- and I learned this\Nfrom the research --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.35,0:15:39.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.03,0:15:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.17,0:15:45.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's vulnerability,\Nhere's grief, here's shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.57,0:15:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,here's fear, here's disappointment.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.27,0:15:49.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to feel these.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.17,0:15:52.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to have a couple of beers\Nand a banana nut muffin.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:52.07,0:15:54.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.78,0:15:56.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to feel these.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:56.68,0:15:58.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know that's knowing laughter.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.68,0:16:01.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hack into your lives for a living.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.17,0:16:03.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,God.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.17,0:16:05.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.74,0:16:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't numb those hard feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.52,0:16:11.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without numbing\Nthe other affects, our emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.18,0:16:12.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cannot selectively numb.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.65,0:16:15.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when we numb those,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.28,0:16:17.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb joy,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.83,0:16:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb gratitude,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.17,0:16:20.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we numb happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.89,0:16:25.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, we are miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.04,0:16:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we are looking\Nfor purpose and meaning,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.07,0:16:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we feel vulnerable,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.52,0:16:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so then we have a couple of beers\Nand a banana nut muffin.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.36,0:16:34.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.83,0:16:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the things that I think\Nwe need to think about
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.98,0:16:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is why and how we numb.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.67,0:16:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.22,0:16:48.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other thing we do is we make\Neverything that's uncertain certain.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.17,0:16:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Religion has gone from a belief\Nin faith and mystery to certainty.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.28,0:16:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.93,0:17:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.35,0:17:02.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just certain.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.08,0:17:05.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more afraid we are,\Nthe more vulnerable we are,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.52,0:17:06.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more afraid we are.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.93,0:17:08.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what politics looks like today.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.96,0:17:10.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no discourse anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.66,0:17:12.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.55,0:17:13.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's just blame.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.80,0:17:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know how blame\Nis described in the research?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.29,0:17:19.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.36,0:17:23.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.57,0:17:27.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If there's anyone who wants their life\Nto look like this, it would be me,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.37,0:17:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it doesn't work.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.62,0:17:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because what we do is we take fat\Nfrom our butts and put it in our cheeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.27,0:17:35.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.73,0:17:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which just, I hope in 100 years,\Npeople will look back and go, "Wow."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.17,0:17:41.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.71,0:17:45.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we perfect,\Nmost dangerously, our children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.17,0:17:47.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me tell you what we think\Nabout children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.33,0:17:50.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're hardwired for struggle\Nwhen they get here.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.17,0:17:53.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you hold those perfect\Nlittle babies in your hand,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.07,0:17:56.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our job is not to say,\N"Look at her, she's perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.06,0:17:57.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My job is just to keep her perfect --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.98,0:18:01.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make sure she makes the tennis team\Nby fifth grade and Yale by seventh."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.41,0:18:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not our job.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:02.67,0:18:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our job is to look and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.30,0:18:07.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know what? You're imperfect,\Nand you're wired for struggle,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.34,0:18:09.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you are worthy of love and belonging."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.24,0:18:11.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's our job.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:11.84,0:18:14.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Show me a generation\Nof kids raised like that,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.10,0:18:16.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we'll end the problems,\NI think, that we see today.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.72,0:18:22.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We pretend that what we do\Ndoesn't have an effect on people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.61,0:18:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do that in our personal lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.27,0:18:26.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do that corporate --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.52,0:18:28.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.13,0:18:31.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a recall.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.31,0:18:33.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We pretend like what we're doing
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.31,0:18:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doesn't have a huge impact\Non other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.17,0:18:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say to companies,\Nthis is not our first rodeo, people.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.51,0:18:43.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just need you to be authentic\Nand real and say ...
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.66,0:18:46.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We're sorry. We'll fix it."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.28,0:18:53.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's another way,\Nand I'll leave you with this.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:53.07,0:18:54.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what I have found:
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.48,0:18:58.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To let ourselves be seen,\Ndeeply seen, vulnerably seen ...
Dialogue: 0,0:19:01.63,0:19:06.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to love with our whole hearts,\Neven though there's no guarantee --
Dialogue: 0,0:19:06.04,0:19:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's really hard,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.32,0:19:10.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can tell you as a parent,\Nthat's excruciatingly difficult --
Dialogue: 0,0:19:13.24,0:19:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to practice gratitude and joy\Nin those moments of terror,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.44,0:19:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're wondering,\N"Can I love you this much?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:19.78,0:19:21.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I believe in this this passionately?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.99,0:19:23.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can I be this fierce about this?"
Dialogue: 0,0:19:23.94,0:19:27.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just to be able to stop and, instead of\Ncatastrophizing what might happen,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:27.54,0:19:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to say, "I'm just so grateful,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.54,0:19:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because to feel this vulnerable\Nmeans I'm alive."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.49,0:19:37.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the last, which I think\Nis probably the most important,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:37.17,0:19:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to believe that we're enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:39.40,0:19:43.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when we work from a place,\NI believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...
Dialogue: 0,0:19:45.48,0:19:49.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we stop screaming\Nand start listening,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.48,0:19:51.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're kinder and gentler\Nto the people around us,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:51.83,0:19:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:54.86,0:19:56.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all I have. Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:56.37,0:19:58.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)