WEBVTT

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So, I'll start with this:

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a couple years ago,
an event planner called me

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because I was going
to do a speaking event.

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And she called, and she said,

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"I'm really struggling with how
to write about you on the little flyer."

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And I thought,
"Well, what's the struggle?"

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And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

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and I'm going to call you
a researcher, I think,

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but I'm afraid if I call you
a researcher, no one will come,

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because they'll think
you're boring and irrelevant."

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(Laughter)

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And I was like, "Okay."

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And she said, "But the thing
I liked about your talk

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is you're a storyteller.

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So I think what I'll do
is just call you a storyteller."

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And of course, the academic,
insecure part of me

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was like, "You're going
to call me a what?"

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And she said, "I'm going
to call you a storyteller."

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And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"

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(Laughter)

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I was like, "Let me think
about this for a second."

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I tried to call deep on my courage.

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And I thought, you know,
I am a storyteller.

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I'm a qualitative researcher.

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I collect stories; that's what I do.

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And maybe stories
are just data with a soul.

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And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

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And so I said, "You know what?

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Why don't you just say
I'm a researcher-storyteller."

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And she went, "Ha ha.
There's no such thing."

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(Laughter)

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So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
and I'm going to talk to you today --

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we're talking about expanding
perception --

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and so I want to talk to you
and tell some stories

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about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my perception

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and really actually changed
the way that I live and love

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and work and parent.

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And this is where my story starts.

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When I was a young researcher,
doctoral student,

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my first year I had a research
professor who said to us,

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"Here's the thing, if you cannot
measure it, it does not exist."

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And I thought he was just
sweet-talking me.

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I was like, "Really?"
and he was like, "Absolutely."

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And so you have to understand

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that I have a bachelor's in social work,
a master's in social work,

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and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
so my entire academic career

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was surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the "life's messy, love it."

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And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
clean it up, organize it

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and put it into a bento box."

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(Laughter)

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And so to think that I had found my way,
to found a career that takes me --

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really, one of the big sayings
in social work

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is, "Lean into the discomfort
of the work."

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And I'm like, knock discomfort
upside the head

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and move it over and get all A's.

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That was my mantra.

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So I was very excited about this.

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And so I thought, you know what,
this is the career for me,

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because I am interested
in some messy topics.

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But I want to be able
to make them not messy.

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I want to understand them.

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I want to hack into these things
I know are important

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and lay the code out for everyone to see.

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So where I started was with connection.

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Because, by the time
you're a social worker for 10 years,

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what you realize is that connection
is why we're here.

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It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives.

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This is what it's all about.

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It doesn't matter whether
you talk to people

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who work in social justice,
mental health and abuse and neglect,

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what we know is that connection,
the ability to feel connected, is --

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neurobiologically
that's how we're wired --

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it's why we're here.

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So I thought, you know what,
I'm going to start with connection.

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Well, you know that situation

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where you get an evaluation
from your boss,

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and she tells you 37 things
you do really awesome,

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and one "opportunity for growth?"

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(Laughter)

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And all you can think about
is that opportunity for growth, right?

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Well, apparently this is the way
my work went as well,

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because, when you ask people about love,
they tell you about heartbreak.

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When you ask people about belonging,

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they'll tell you their most excruciating
experiences of being excluded.

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And when you ask people about connection,

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the stories they told me
were about disconnection.

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So very quickly -- really about six weeks
into this research --

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I ran into this unnamed thing
that absolutely unraveled connection

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in a way that I didn't understand
or had never seen.

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And so I pulled back out of the research

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and thought, I need
to figure out what this is.

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And it turned out to be shame.

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And shame is really easily understood
as the fear of disconnection:

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Is there something about me that,
if other people know it or see it,

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that I won't be worthy of connection?

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The things I can tell you about it:

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it's universal; we all have it.

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The only people who don't experience shame

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have no capacity for human
empathy or connection.

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No one wants to talk about it,

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and the less you talk about it
the more you have it.

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What underpinned this shame,
this "I'm not good enough," --

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which we all know that feeling:

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"I'm not blank enough.
I'm not thin enough,

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rich enough, beautiful enough,
smart enough, promoted enough."

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The thing that underpinned this
was excruciating vulnerability,

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this idea of, in order
for connection to happen,

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we have to allow ourselves
to be seen, really seen.

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And you know how I feel
about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

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And so I thought, this is my chance
to beat it back with my measuring stick.

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I'm going in, I'm going
to figure this stuff out,

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I'm going to spend a year, I'm going
to totally deconstruct shame,

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I'm going to understand
how vulnerability works,

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and I'm going to outsmart it.

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So I was ready, and I was really excited.

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As you know,
it's not going to turn out well.

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(Laughter)

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You know this.

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So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

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but I'd have to borrow
everyone else's time.

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But here's what I can tell you
that it boils down to --

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and this may be one of the most important
things that I've ever learned

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in the decade of doing this research.

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My one year turned into six years:

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thousands of stories, hundreds
of long interviews, focus groups.

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At one point, people were
sending me journal pages

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and sending me their stories --

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thousands of pieces of data in six years.

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And I kind of got a handle on it.

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I kind of understood, this is
what shame is, this is how it works.

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I wrote a book, I published a theory,
but something was not okay --

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and what it was is that, if I roughly
took the people I interviewed

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and divided them into people who really
have a sense of worthiness --

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that's what this comes down to,
a sense of worthiness --

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they have a strong sense
of love and belonging --

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and folks who struggle for it,

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and folks who are always wondering
if they're good enough.

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There was only one variable that separated

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the people who have a strong sense
of love and belonging

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and the people who really struggle for it.

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And that was, the people who have
a strong sense of love and belonging

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believe they're worthy
of love and belonging.

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That's it.

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They believe they're worthy.

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And to me, the hard part of the one thing
that keeps us out of connection

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is our fear that we're not
worthy of connection,

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was something that,
personally and professionally,

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I felt like I needed to understand better.

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So what I did is I took
all of the interviews

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where I saw worthiness,
where I saw people living that way,

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and just looked at those.

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What do these people have in common?

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I have a slight office supply addiction,
but that's another talk.

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So I had a manila folder,
and I had a Sharpie,

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and I was like, what am I going
to call this research?

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And the first words that came
to my mind were whole-hearted.

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These are whole-hearted people,
living from this deep sense of worthiness.

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So I wrote at the top
of the manila folder,

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and I started looking at the data.

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In fact, I did it first in a four-day
very intensive data analysis,

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where I went back, pulled the interviews,
the stories, pulled the incidents.

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What's the theme? What's the pattern?

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My husband left town with the kids

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because I always go into this
Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

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where I'm just writing
and in my researcher mode.

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And so here's what I found.

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What they had in common
was a sense of courage.

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And I want to separate courage
and bravery for you for a minute.

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Courage, the original
definition of courage,

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when it first came
into the English language --

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it's from the Latin word cor, meaning
heart --

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and the original definition was to tell
the story of who you are

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with your whole heart.

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And so these folks had, very simply,
the courage to be imperfect.

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They had the compassion to be kind
to themselves first and then to others,

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because, as it turns out,

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we can't practice compassion
with other people

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if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

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And the last was they had connection,
and -- this was the hard part --

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as a result of authenticity,

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they were willing to let go
of who they thought they should be

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in order to be who they were,
which you have to absolutely do that

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for connection.

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The other thing that they had
in common was this:

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They fully embraced vulnerability.

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They believed that what made them
vulnerable made them beautiful.

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They didn't talk about vulnerability
being comfortable,

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nor did they really talk
about it being excruciating --

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as I had heard it earlier
in the shame interviewing.

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They just talked about it being necessary.

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They talked about the willingness
to say, "I love you" first,

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the willingness to do something
where there are no guarantees,

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the willingness to breathe
through waiting for the doctor to call

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after your mammogram.

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They're willing to invest
in a relationship

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that may or may not work out.

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They thought this was fundamental.

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I personally thought it was betrayal.

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I could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research, where our job --

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you know, the definition of research
is to control and predict,

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to study phenomena, for the explicit
reason to control and predict.

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And now my mission to control and predict

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had turned up the answer
that the way to live is with vulnerability

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and to stop controlling and predicting.

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This led to a little breakdown --

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(Laughter)

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-- which actually looked more like this.

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(Laughter)

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And it did.

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I call it a breakdown; my therapist
calls it a spiritual awakening.

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(Laughter)

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A spiritual awakening
sounds better than breakdown,

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but I assure you it was a breakdown.

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And I had to put my data away
and go find a therapist.

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Let me tell you something:
you know who you are

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when you call your friends and say,
"I think I need to see somebody.

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Do you have any recommendations?"

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Because about five
of my friends were like,

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"Wooo, I wouldn't want
to be your therapist."

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(Laughter)

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I was like, "What does that mean?"

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And they're like,
"I'm just saying, you know.

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Don't bring your measuring stick."

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(Laughter)

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I was like, "Okay."

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So I found a therapist.

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My first meeting with her, Diana --

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I brought in my list of the way
the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

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And she said, "How are you?"

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And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

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She said, "What's going on?"

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And this is a therapist
who sees therapists,

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because we have to go to those,
because their B.S. meters are good.

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(Laughter)

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And so I said, "Here's the thing,
I'm struggling."

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And she said, "What's the struggle?"

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And I said, "Well, I have
a vulnerability issue.

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And I know that vulnerability
is the core of shame and fear

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and our struggle for worthiness,

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but it appears that it's also
the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

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of belonging, of love.

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And I think I have a problem,
and I need some help."

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And I said, "But here's the thing:
no family stuff, no childhood shit."

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(Laughter)

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"I just need some strategies."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Thank you.

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So she goes like this.

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(Laughter)

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And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

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And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

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(Laughter)

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"It just is what it is."

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And I said, "Oh my God,
this is going to suck."

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(Laughter)

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And it did, and it didn't.

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And it took about a year.

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And you know how there are people

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that, when they realize that vulnerability
and tenderness are important,

00:13:40.453 --> 00:13:42.976
that they surrender and walk into it.

00:13:43.884 --> 00:13:45.276
A: that's not me,

00:13:45.300 --> 00:13:47.976
and B: I don't even hang out
with people like that.

00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.976
(Laughter)

00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:53.976
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:55.976
It was a slugfest.

00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:57.976
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.976
I lost the fight,

00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:02.976
but probably won my life back.

00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:04.976
And so then I went back into the research

00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:06.976
and spent the next couple of years

00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:09.976
really trying to understand
what they, the whole-hearted,

00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:15.976
what choices they were making,
and what are we doing with vulnerability.

00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:17.976
Why do we struggle with it so much?

00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.525
Am I alone in struggling
with vulnerability?

00:14:21.763 --> 00:14:22.976
No.

00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:25.000
So this is what I learned.

00:14:26.636 --> 00:14:28.976
We numb vulnerability --

00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.976
when we're waiting for the call.

00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:33.950
It was funny, I sent something out
on Twitter and on Facebook

00:14:33.966 --> 00:14:36.239
that says, "How would you
define vulnerability?

00:14:36.263 --> 00:14:37.876
What makes you feel vulnerable?"

00:14:37.900 --> 00:14:40.376
And within an hour and a half,
I had 150 responses.

00:14:40.500 --> 00:14:44.100
Because I wanted to know what's out there.

00:14:45.777 --> 00:14:49.976
Having to ask my husband for help
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.976
initiating sex with my husband;

00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:54.976
initiating sex with my wife;

00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.976
being turned down; asking someone out;

00:14:58.000 --> 00:14:59.976
waiting for the doctor to call back;

00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.123
getting laid off; laying off people.

00:15:03.148 --> 00:15:04.774
This is the world we live in.

00:15:05.535 --> 00:15:07.976
We live in a vulnerable world.

00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:11.976
And one of the ways we deal
with it is we numb vulnerability.

00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:13.976
And I think there's evidence --

00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:16.381
and it's not the only reason
this evidence exists,

00:15:16.405 --> 00:15:18.707
but I think it's a huge cause --

00:15:18.732 --> 00:15:23.197
We are the most in-debt,

00:15:23.222 --> 00:15:25.508
obese,

00:15:25.563 --> 00:15:30.000
addicted and medicated
adult cohort in U.S. history.

00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.976
The problem is -- and I learned this
from the research --

00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:39.530
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:42.976
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

00:15:43.000 --> 00:15:45.376
Here's vulnerability,
here's grief, here's shame,

00:15:45.400 --> 00:15:47.076
here's fear, here's disappointment.

00:15:47.100 --> 00:15:48.976
I don't want to feel these.

00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:51.976
I'm going to have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

00:15:52.000 --> 00:15:54.537
(Laughter)

00:15:54.616 --> 00:15:56.393
I don't want to feel these.

00:15:56.557 --> 00:15:58.276
And I know that's knowing laughter.

00:15:58.300 --> 00:16:00.976
I hack into your lives for a living.

00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:02.976
God.

00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:04.976
(Laughter)

00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.976
You can't numb those hard feelings

00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.286
without numbing
the other affects, our emotions.

00:16:10.310 --> 00:16:11.976
You cannot selectively numb.

00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.976
So when we numb those,

00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:16.976
we numb joy,

00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:18.976
we numb gratitude,

00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:20.976
we numb happiness.

00:16:21.873 --> 00:16:24.968
And then we are miserable,

00:16:24.993 --> 00:16:27.013
and we are looking
for purpose and meaning,

00:16:27.045 --> 00:16:28.476
and then we feel vulnerable,

00:16:28.500 --> 00:16:31.276
so then we have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

00:16:31.300 --> 00:16:34.666
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

00:16:35.843 --> 00:16:38.976
One of the things that I think
we need to think about

00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:40.976
is why and how we numb.

00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:43.447
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

00:16:45.050 --> 00:16:49.000
The other thing we do is we make
everything that's uncertain certain.

00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.976
Religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty.

00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:57.976
I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.

00:16:58.000 --> 00:16:59.976
That's it.

00:17:01.184 --> 00:17:02.454
Just certain.

00:17:02.913 --> 00:17:05.329
The more afraid we are,
the more vulnerable we are,

00:17:05.353 --> 00:17:06.576
the more afraid we are.

00:17:06.600 --> 00:17:08.476
This is what politics looks like today.

00:17:08.500 --> 00:17:09.976
There's no discourse anymore.

00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:11.976
There's no conversation.

00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:13.976
There's just blame.

00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:16.317
You know how blame
is described in the research?

00:17:17.286 --> 00:17:20.286
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

00:17:21.746 --> 00:17:23.176
We perfect.

00:17:23.253 --> 00:17:26.877
If there's anyone who wants their life
to look like this, it would be me,

00:17:26.901 --> 00:17:28.276
but it doesn't work.

00:17:28.300 --> 00:17:32.076
Because what we do is we take fat
from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

00:17:32.100 --> 00:17:34.976
(Laughter)

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:38.976
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
people will look back and go, "Wow."

00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:40.976
(Laughter)

00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:44.976
And we perfect,
most dangerously, our children.

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:47.143
Let me tell you what we think
about children.

00:17:47.167 --> 00:17:49.976
They're hardwired for struggle
when they get here.

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.976
And when you hold those perfect
little babies in your hand,

00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:55.793
our job is not to say,
"Look at her, she's perfect.

00:17:55.888 --> 00:17:57.776
My job is just to keep her perfect --

00:17:57.808 --> 00:18:01.215
make sure she makes the tennis team
by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

00:18:01.239 --> 00:18:02.476
That's not our job.

00:18:02.500 --> 00:18:03.976
Our job is to look and say,

00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:07.048
"You know what? You're imperfect,
and you're wired for struggle,

00:18:07.072 --> 00:18:09.072
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

00:18:10.074 --> 00:18:11.582
That's our job.

00:18:11.677 --> 00:18:13.883
Show me a generation
of kids raised like that,

00:18:13.931 --> 00:18:16.661
and we'll end the problems
I think that we see today.

00:18:16.709 --> 00:18:22.976
We pretend that what we do
doesn't have an effect on people.

00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:24.976
We do that in our personal lives.

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:26.976
We do that corporate --

00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:30.976
whether it's a bailout,
an oil spill, a recall --

00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:32.976
we pretend like what we're doing

00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:35.976
doesn't have a huge impact
on other people.

00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:39.274
I would say to companies,
this is not our first rodeo, people.

00:18:40.436 --> 00:18:44.468
We just need you to be authentic
and real and say,

00:18:44.492 --> 00:18:47.000
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:52.572
But there's another way,
and I'll leave you with this.

00:18:52.596 --> 00:18:53.976
This is what I have found:

00:18:54.000 --> 00:19:00.976
to let ourselves be seen,
deeply seen, vulnerably seen;

00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:05.814
to love with our whole hearts,
even though there's no guarantee --

00:19:05.877 --> 00:19:07.545
and that's really hard,

00:19:07.570 --> 00:19:10.713
and I can tell you as a parent,
that's excruciatingly difficult --

00:19:13.068 --> 00:19:16.976
to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of terror,

00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:19.286
when we're wondering,
"Can I love you this much?

00:19:19.310 --> 00:19:21.286
Can I believe in this this passionately?

00:19:21.310 --> 00:19:23.976
Can I be this fierce about this?"

00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:27.576
just to be able to stop and, instead of
catastrophizing what might happen,

00:19:27.600 --> 00:19:29.576
to say, "I'm just so grateful,

00:19:29.600 --> 00:19:32.000
because to feel this vulnerable
means I'm alive."

00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:35.976
And the last, which I think
is probably the most important,

00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:38.976
is to believe that we're enough.

00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:44.000
Because when we work from a place,
I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"

00:19:45.396 --> 00:19:48.396
then we stop screaming
and start listening,

00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:51.334
we're kinder and gentler
to the people around us,

00:19:51.358 --> 00:19:53.460
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

00:19:54.698 --> 00:19:56.176
That's all I have. Thank you.

00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:59.000
(Applause)