Make Sex, not Love? About the autonomy of our instincts!
-
0:15 - 0:21A cosy television evening for two
on the couch comes to an end. -
0:22 - 0:25The movie wasn't really a highlight.
-
0:26 - 0:29The woman says good night
and goes to bed: -
0:29 - 0:33"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.
-
0:33 - 0:35You don't have to count on me."
-
0:35 - 0:40He takes the chance, says good night,
and enters the study: -
0:40 - 0:43"Darling, it doesn't matter,
I still have a little work to do anyway." -
0:45 - 0:48As soon as they're both undisturbed,
they dedicate themselves -
0:48 - 0:51to the actual highlight of the evening.
-
0:51 - 0:54He checks a pair of business e-mails
-
0:54 - 0:58and then switches relatively quickly
to his favorite -- -
0:59 - 1:01exactly -- porn and sex pages.
-
1:02 - 1:06What he doesn't know is that
at the same time -
1:06 - 1:10she spoils herself
with the sex toy of her choice, -
1:11 - 1:15and within minutes she is
orgasmically melting away. -
1:16 - 1:20Both sleep deeply relaxed
side by side before midnight. -
1:22 - 1:26If you think this ritual
is rare in our country, -
1:26 - 1:28then I'm afraid
I have to disappoint you -- -
1:29 - 1:31that is everyday life in many places.
-
1:32 - 1:33And who doesn't know that?
-
1:33 - 1:36There is a partner you love
-
1:36 - 1:39and still find somewhat attractive,
-
1:40 - 1:43and then there is everyday life
laying itself over the lust. -
1:43 - 1:48And then there are so many possibilities
to have a good time as an alternative. -
1:48 - 1:50It's just a little embarrassing
to talk about it, -
1:50 - 1:56and you don't want to offend
or irritate your partner persistently. -
1:58 - 2:00One thing is certain:
-
2:00 - 2:03the number of orgasms without a partner,
-
2:04 - 2:07at least without a binding partner,
-
2:07 - 2:11did increase massively
in the last few years. -
2:12 - 2:15Listlessness is one of the main topics
-
2:15 - 2:18in my practice
for couple and sexual therapy. -
2:19 - 2:24But are we really
so "overworked" and "underfucked", -
2:24 - 2:26as we always pretend?
-
2:27 - 2:30Or are we not perhaps
a little "oversexed" -
2:30 - 2:33and thus maybe "underworked"?
-
2:35 - 2:37If we take a closer look
at this listlessness, -
2:37 - 2:38it's easy to tell
-
2:38 - 2:41it's no general listlessness,
-
2:41 - 2:43but a partner-related one.
-
2:43 - 2:47And that is, among other things,
the so-called Coolidge effect. -
2:48 - 2:49Here is a little story:
-
2:49 - 2:55Calvin Coolidge was an American president,
who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm -
2:55 - 2:57with his wife Grace.
-
2:58 - 3:00After a separate guided tour,
-
3:00 - 3:03his wife came in excited and said:
-
3:03 - 3:08"Calvin, imagine,
the cock does it 12 times a day." -
3:09 - 3:15He answered: "Grace, my darling,
but not always with the same hen." -
3:18 - 3:23Sexual weariness,
decreasing sexual functions, -
3:25 - 3:29this effect unfortunately occurs
not only for animals -
3:29 - 3:33with the same partner all the time,
but also with us humans. -
3:34 - 3:36And that's a kind of dilemma:
-
3:38 - 3:43love needs closeness,
but eroticism needs distance. -
3:43 - 3:49We long for commitment,
for being well cared for, for closeness. -
3:49 - 3:51And then we long to see something new,
-
3:51 - 3:53adventure and excitement.
-
3:54 - 3:57How can that be even compatible?
-
3:58 - 4:02Everyday life is not a good canvas
for our sexual fantasies. -
4:04 - 4:06We're doing a little experiment now.
-
4:07 - 4:10Please close your eyes for a moment
-
4:11 - 4:17and think of the most beautiful
triviality of the world, sex. -
4:19 - 4:20That's it.
-
4:21 - 4:25And for once, be curious.
-
4:25 - 4:31What kind of pictures will come
before your inner eye -
4:36 - 4:37and what kind of feelings?
-
4:43 - 4:48And what will these pictures
and feelings do to you? -
4:51 - 4:52Thank you very much.
-
4:54 - 4:56I'm going to assume that very few people
-
4:56 - 4:58were thinking of the act of procreation,
-
4:58 - 5:00the conception of a child.
-
5:02 - 5:05Well, I'm assuming that now...
-
5:05 - 5:07Maybe a few more
were thinking about making love, -
5:08 - 5:11like sex in a partnership.
-
5:12 - 5:14Most of them, however,
-
5:14 - 5:17were thinking about the impulsive side
of sexuality, -
5:17 - 5:20going along with adventure,
passion, excitement, -
5:20 - 5:23and this unbelievable
good feeling in the stomach. -
5:25 - 5:31Reproduction, love and instincts
are the three dimensions of sex. -
5:32 - 5:35In the sexual revolution,
-
5:36 - 5:40the reproduction was
decoupled from sexuality -
5:40 - 5:45because of the introduction of the pill
and impunity for abortion. -
5:48 - 5:51Sex could be enjoyed freely,
childbearing could be planned,, -
5:51 - 5:55and the slogan at the time was:
"Make love, not war." -
5:58 - 6:04What's happening today is an essentially
more explosive social development. -
6:04 - 6:08Today the instincts
are separated from love -
6:08 - 6:11by means of an enormous suction
to the outside. -
6:12 - 6:16Today we have porn running 24 hours a day
-
6:16 - 6:18with the most adventurous genres,
-
6:18 - 6:20in 3D worlds,
-
6:21 - 6:25now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds
-
6:25 - 6:28with a fitting full body suit.
-
6:28 - 6:31We have sex toys,
getting more and more interactive. -
6:31 - 6:36We can sit in Timbuktu today and
have sex with someone at the North Pole. -
6:37 - 6:39In addition, there are millions of people
-
6:39 - 6:43using these numerous apps and hubs
-
6:43 - 6:47for non-binding and purchasable
sexual offers. -
6:48 - 6:52Many of them within
binding partnerships, by the way, -
6:52 - 6:56and everything initiable from
the comfort zone of your home. -
6:56 - 6:58It's the agony of choice these days.
-
6:58 - 7:00Sex traffic moved
-
7:00 - 7:06into the high-speed data highways
of the internet -
7:06 - 7:10and provides for an even calmer traffic
-
7:10 - 7:12within the partnership.
-
7:14 - 7:19If we look at the slogan
"Make love, not war", -
7:20 - 7:27hasn't it eventually changed into
"Make sex, not love"? -
7:28 - 7:31And what about love?
-
7:32 - 7:33Pretty lonely.
-
7:34 - 7:38Does love stand any chance at all
in these turbulent times? -
7:41 - 7:45We all make use of this freedom
and experiment with it. -
7:47 - 7:52And this freedom affects us all,
sooner or later, directly or indirectly, -
7:52 - 7:55in our partnership, in our family,
-
7:55 - 7:58or in our circle of friends.
-
7:58 - 8:00And this freedom changes gradually
-
8:01 - 8:04our sexual fantasies, our scripts,
-
8:05 - 8:06what we want,
-
8:06 - 8:10and what we are still able to do.
-
8:10 - 8:12The bar is very high.
-
8:13 - 8:16I've been working as a neurologist
and a psychotherapist for 25 years -
8:16 - 8:20and of course I do see more often
the other side of the coin. -
8:20 - 8:25And in the last 10 years
I've been observing significant changes -
8:25 - 8:28in the topics that my clients
bring to my practice. -
8:28 - 8:31There are four main topics.
-
8:31 - 8:36First, old sexual dysfunctions
in a new guise. -
8:37 - 8:41Young men come to me
with potency disorders -
8:41 - 8:42and Viagra in the pocket.
-
8:42 - 8:46It works great with porn,
but with their partner, nothing at all. -
8:47 - 8:53Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition
is paradoxically on the rise. -
8:57 - 9:01And the men emancipate
themselves in listlessness, -
9:01 - 9:04but you know it already:
not a general listlessness, -
9:04 - 9:06only a partner-related one.
-
9:06 - 9:09Secondly, there are quantitative changes.
-
9:09 - 9:13The gap continues to grow
between those untouched, -
9:13 - 9:16with an outstanding
self-supply via the Internet -
9:18 - 9:20and who already know
everything in theory, -
9:20 - 9:22but have no practical experience at all,
-
9:22 - 9:25and those who are tindering
from bed to bed, -
9:25 - 9:27restlessly and unceasingly.
-
9:28 - 9:31The WHO has classified
compulsive sexual disorder -
9:31 - 9:36as a mental illness by now.
-
9:36 - 9:39In Germany alone,
according to conservative estimates, -
9:39 - 9:42we have half a million
porn and sex addicts. -
9:42 - 9:44In addition to that,
approximately the same number -
9:44 - 9:47of indirectly affected
partners and children. -
9:47 - 9:50This is a serious development.
-
9:51 - 9:54Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.
-
9:55 - 9:59What used to be hardcore,
is vanilla sex today. -
10:00 - 10:02Special exceptional practices,
-
10:02 - 10:08like voyeurism, exhibitionism,
fetishism and BDSM -
10:08 - 10:11are now cultural assets,
-
10:11 - 10:14part of the mainstream,
nothing out of the ordinary anymore. -
10:14 - 10:19And the topics couples come up with
are very much about the smartphone, -
10:19 - 10:23and the notion of loyalty
seem more blurred than ever. -
10:23 - 10:26We can have sex with others today
and still be faithful. -
10:26 - 10:28We just need to agree to that in advance.
-
10:28 - 10:31But we can also
lie beside our partner in bed -
10:31 - 10:33and cheat on him online.
-
10:33 - 10:37And I can see that
the concept of loyalty shifts -
10:37 - 10:41from "I'm faithful to you"
to "I'm true to myself". -
10:41 - 10:44Problems are inevitable.
-
10:46 - 10:47And now the question of all questions:
-
10:48 - 10:51how can we integrate this new freedom
-
10:52 - 10:55into our lives and enjoy it,
-
10:57 - 11:01so that both we and our partnership
remain healthy? -
11:02 - 11:06And what sets apart
sex gourmets from sexaholics, -
11:06 - 11:08who can't find the off switch?
-
11:10 - 11:14A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm
-
11:14 - 11:16aren't that different.
-
11:17 - 11:21Nutrition and sexuality
have a lot of similarities. -
11:21 - 11:24And you probably know
a lot about nutrition, -
11:25 - 11:28you read about it and you can apply that.
-
11:28 - 11:34And today I would like to add
a little something to this analogy, -
11:35 - 11:38which you can implement directly,
under the motto of "Act, Change, Now". -
11:40 - 11:47First, knowledge is the basis
for changing our behavior. -
11:47 - 11:53If we know what kind of food
will keep us healthy in the long term, -
11:53 - 11:57then we can resist the many temptations
of the food industry, -
11:57 - 12:02that make us sick and fat,
and rather say no. -
12:02 - 12:05That's the same
with the sexual superstimuli. -
12:05 - 12:07If I know and inform myself...
-
12:07 - 12:11And we know a lot by now, there
are many research studies about it, -
12:11 - 12:16cool books and a lot of information
on the Internet. -
12:16 - 12:19Take a look and absorb that knowledge,
-
12:20 - 12:25because this will be a key resource
to position yourself accordingly. -
12:25 - 12:27Many are wandering in this grey area
-
12:27 - 12:30and I would wish for you all
-
12:30 - 12:34that you won't only wake up
when you're already sick from it. -
12:35 - 12:40Second, stay receptive
for natural stimuli. -
12:41 - 12:45When you keep ingesting
chocolate, Coke, junk food, -
12:45 - 12:48someday apples and
vegetables won't taste good anymore. -
12:48 - 12:50It's the same with sexuality.
-
12:51 - 12:53You will get blunt someday.
-
12:54 - 12:57Ever heard of sex fasting,
-
12:57 - 13:00the voluntary renunciation
on sexual super incentives, -
13:00 - 13:03at least for a trial for a while?
-
13:04 - 13:07Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,
-
13:07 - 13:11but more sensitive again
for natural stimuli. -
13:12 - 13:15It's not bad at all that
so much is available today, -
13:15 - 13:18pornography, sex toys,
-
13:18 - 13:22but they're stimulants, like candy.
-
13:22 - 13:26And we'll experience side effects,
if we consume too much of it. -
13:26 - 13:31Also for sexuality,
quality comes before quantity. -
13:31 - 13:35And today, maybe less is more.
-
13:35 - 13:38So, next time when
you're going checks mails, -
13:38 - 13:43just skip the porn,
leave the sex toy in the drawer, -
13:43 - 13:45and at the next one-night stand
just ask: -
13:45 - 13:48will it take me any further personally?
-
13:51 - 13:56And last but not least:
talk to each other, -
13:56 - 14:00start a dialogue,
a real qualitative dialogue -
14:00 - 14:01with your partner.
-
14:02 - 14:06This is important and
it takes effort and courage. -
14:07 - 14:11Talk about your needs,
but also about your fears. -
14:13 - 14:15Partnerships need limits,
-
14:15 - 14:18that's what makes them different
from what's out there. -
14:18 - 14:20And when you establish a bond,
-
14:20 - 14:23you should stick to it.
-
14:24 - 14:28And the "no" has
a very special meaning today. -
14:28 - 14:33Because what's a "yes"
actually worth without a "no"? -
14:35 - 14:39Love gives sexuality meaning and depth
-
14:40 - 14:46and our relationship is quite crucial
for the quality of our life. -
14:48 - 14:52A gentle touch from a partner
that's really close to your heart -
14:54 - 15:00can be much more intimate
than the 3,286th canned orgasm. -
15:01 - 15:07With everything that's happening today,
with all the freedom we got: -
15:09 - 15:11think of love, too.
-
15:12 - 15:13Thank you very much.
-
15:13 - 15:17(applause)
- Title:
- Make Sex, not Love? About the autonomy of our instincts!
- Description:
-
Heike Melzer is a specialist in neurology, a medical psychotherapist and a lecturer at the Milton-Erickson Society for Hypnosis. She has a private practice for couple and sexual therapy in the heart of Munich. For more than 25 years she has accompanied clients and companies through the serpentines of life.
- Video Language:
- German
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:21