It's time to end toxic masculinity | Robert Salem | TEDxToledo

In this talk delivered at TEDxToledo WhatNow 2018, Robert describes the consequences of toxic masculinity and provides ideas on how to end it.

Mr. Salem teaches clinical law courses that provide students with the skills necessary to successfully practice law while advancing the University of Toledo's law school’s social justice mission. He is a frequent speaker on civil rights issues and is active in several organizations.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Josh Pacheco was 17 years old.

He lived in Michigan
with his parents and sisters,

and by all accounts,

he was a great kid.

His sisters described him
as funny and entertaining,

and his parents described him
as loving and caring.

And Josh was also gay,

and because of that,

he was bullied severely by his classmates.

One day, Josh went home,

went to his garage, got into his truck,

closed the door,
turned on the ignition,

and killed himself.

He was found a little bit later
with a note next to his body

that simply said, "I'm sorry,
I wasn't able to be strong enough."

This is Tovanna Holton.

Tovanna was 15 years old.

She lived in Florida.

One day, she broke up with her boyfriend.

The very next day, he posted
a nude video of her on Twitter,

and you can imagine what happened then.

Other kids took the video
and began circulating it on social media,

and they began to cyberbully her.

Tovanna's mother found Tovanna
in the bathroom of their home

with a self-inflicted
gunshot wound to her head,

just a few days later.

And this is, finally, nine-year-old
Jamel Myles, from Denver.

Just weeks ago, he came out
to his mother as gay.

She was driving him home.

He was in the back seat of the car.

He said, "Mommy, I have something
really important to tell you. I'm gay."

And she said, "I love you anyway."

And she said he looked so scared
and so small in the back seat,

but he told her that he was proud
and he wanted to tell his classmates,

which is what he did.

And his classmates, in turn, bullied him
and told him that he should die.

Four days later, he hanged himself.

[Masculinity, possession of the qualities
typically associated with men]

Now, these kids all had something -

They all came from different backgrounds,

they came from different
parts of the country,

but they all had at least
one thing in common,

and that is that their lives
were cut short

by what experts have called
"hypermasculinity."

And you might hear the term
also referred to as "toxic masculinity."

Now, before I talk to you more

about how hypermasculinity plays
a negative role in our society

and how it harms children,

I want to offer a disclaimer.

There is nothing wrong
with being masculine.

Okay?

And there is nothing wrong
with being a man,

fortunately for me
and many of you in the audience.

Masculinity is basically defined
as a set of traits

that are associated with being a man.

And depending on culture and context,

some of those traits can be viewed
as negative at times,

other times as positive.

The same can be said for femininity.

However, hypermasculinity is often -

it's basically masculinity on steroids,

and it's often characterized
by a high tolerance level

for violence and aggression.

So, those of us who have ever witnessed
road-rage incidents,

or if you have ever been
to a fraternity party

after lots of kegs of beer
have been consumed,

or if we've gone to sports bars
during a really important game,

we may have seen some hypermasculinity
on display at that point.

Hypermasculinity is also characterized

by a callous disregard
for the dignity of women.

Women sometimes,
though hypermasculine behavior,

are treated as sex objects,

and this kind of objectification leads
to sexual assaults and sexual harassment.

And finally, hypermasculinity is also
characteristic of a sort of stoicism.

Men who display hypermasculine behavior
tend to conceal their emotions.

They have a hard time "emoting."

Except for anger, notably.

But men that have these
hypermasculine tendencies

don't feel like they can show
their true feelings

because to do so shows femininity,

shows weakness,

and therefore is bad.

It's interesting because there's
more and more research now

that shows that hypermasculine behavior

not only negatively impacts
the victims of hypermasculinity,

which are generally girls, LGBTQ kids,
gender-nonconforming people,

but the biggest victims
of hypermasculinity are boys and men,

because this kind of behavior leads
to all kinds of negative consequences,

from psychological health consequences,
physical health consequences,

increased substance abuse.

And it's also interesting that, you know,

some researchers like Niobe Way
from New York University

have linked hypermasculine behavior
with loneliness among males.

American men -

which is unique in the world among men -

American men tend to report

that they either have
few other male friends,

and when they do,

they have a hard time
talking to their male friends

about important life issues or emotions.

And this is obviously a problem

because it leads to all of these
negative consequences,

and it creates sometimes
a level of loneliness

that increases as men age,

and they report that their level
of loneliness increases as they age.

And public health officials are alarmed

because loneliness now
is seen as a risk factor

for all kinds of negative
health consequences and early death.

So let me give you an example
of something I'm talking about.

A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Costco,
which all of us do, right?

And I couldn't help but overhear
a young father with his son.

The son was about three of four years old.

The boy picked up a toy,

and all I remember
was that it was a pink toy.

I don't remember what it was.

And without missing a beat,
the father said,

"Put that back. That's for girls."

And the boy, reflecting his father's
disgust and revulsion,

just threw it back and said,
"Yuck, Daddy. That's for girls."

Now, this kind of attitude
leads to hypermasculinity

and it leads to all of the negative
effects that I just talked about,

and it leads to misogyny,
homophobia and transphobia.

Given what we're experiencing
in our world today,

this issue is taking on more significance.

Think about the news.
What are we hearing?

We're talking about the Me Too Movement.

We're talking about rampant gun violence,

which, by the way, is almost exclusively
perpetrated by boys and men.

And we're talking about what I would
consider a hypermasculine culture

in our White House.

So it's a very important issue today,
and it's taking on more significance.

So -

This is me,

and I'll get to "me"
in a little bit, okay?

(Laughter)

But, you know,

I was introduced as a Law professor,
I am a Law professor,

and for many years,

I've been doing a lot of work
on bullying prevention.

So, early on in my work
on bullying prevention -

and I've trained lots of teachers
and administrators around the state -

early on, I discovered something:

the vast majority of bullying incidents

are somehow, in some way,
related to hypermasculine behavior.

Whether the victim is a girl or an LGBTQ

or a person with a disability

or even racial, ethnic
and religious minorities,

what I found is that either the motivation
for the bullying was hypermasculine

or the tactics used to bully
were hypermasculine.

And I became even more concerned

when I started to review
bullying-related suicides,

and these are kids
who have taken their lives

at least in part because of bullying.

And what I found was that roughly 80%

of the kids who take their lives
because of bullying

are boys who were gay
or perceived to be gay

and girls who the victims
of gender-related or sexual bullying.

So, this obviously concerned me a lot,

and I started to pay more attention
to how hypermasculine affects our kids.

What's even more interesting
about bullying-prevention programs

is that they don't discuss
or address head-on

how hypermasculine and rigid gender norms
affect our kids in school

and how we can improve
the climate of our schools

so that we can prevent bullying
by addressing these issues.

We just don't talk about it.

What drives me crazy is this:

I have been doing all this work
for a lot of years,

and just a few years ago,

there was this revelation in society
that girls also bully.

Big surprise.

And all of a sudden,
as a culture, as a society,

we just, like, lobbed on to that,
globbed on to that.

And we started talking about mean girls,

and we coined this term "mean grils"

because, of course, we need
another way to vilify girls, right?

And so, then we made a movie
about mean girls,

and that's all we talk about.

But the evidence
related to bullying is clear.

Still, the vast majority
of bullying perpetrators are boys,

and the vast majority
of bullying victims are boys,

but we don't talk about scary boys.

We talk about mean girls.

So,

this is me,

and you can tell maybe from the picture

that I wasn't the most
traditionally masculine kid, right?

If you ask me why I was posed that way,

I honestly don't have
a good answer for you.

You'll have to ask my mother.

But, you know,

I became very interested in this subject

when I started to reflect
on my own childhood

and my experiences with hypermasculinity.

So I grew up in a very loving,
large Lebanese American family.

I had two amazing, wonderful parents,

three brothers, a sister ...

I did very well in school.

I participated in clubs and sports.

I was a student leader
throughout high school and college.

I had friends, I had girlfriends.

So my memories should be good
of childhood, right?

They weren't.

When I think of my childhood,
I mostly have negative feelings.

I was actually a pretty miserable kid,

and I attribute that to the fact
that I did everything in my power

to conceal the fact that I was gay,

and I did everything in my power

to act like what I thought
a boy should act like.

And I'll tell you some
of my most memorable experiences,

and these are memories that are
pretty innocuous when you hear them

and they shouldn't really be
that memorable.

But for me they were,
and here are some of them.

So I remember in the fifth grade,

I was brushing my friend Cheryl's
long blonde hair -

because that's what
ten-year-old boys like to do, right?

(Laughter)

And I was brushing her hair,
and the teacher, from across the room,

yelled at me and said,
"Robby Salem, put that brush down.

Boys don't brush girls' hair."

And I was devastated, I was just deflated.

And I wasn't just devastated
because Cheryl's hair was a mess.

but because -

(Laughter)

because -

(Laughter)

I felt like I did something wrong,
I committed a sin,

and I didn't even know what it was.

I'll tell you time -

another memory I had
was when I walked into school -

this was probably in the sixth grade,

and I was wearing my cherry-red pants.

And a teacher called me up to the front,

and in front of a couple
of other kids, she said,

"Robby, don't wear those pants again.
Boys don't dress that way."

Now, I will give her this much:
the pants were hideous.

(Laughter)

And they were also corduroys.
So, visualize that.

But still, that was pretty cruel.

And then, I remember
the time in middle school

that I was carrying my books
in front of my body like this,

and a boy in the hallway
laughed at me and called me a girl.

And you'd better believe
that from that point on,

I carried my books on my side.

And this was before backpacks
were a big thing,

so that's how we carried our books.

And you know, I just thought it was more
practical to carry your books this way,

but apparently not if you're a boy.

So, those memories sort of pale

in comparison to some of the other things
I overheard and experienced,

like the time in high school

when I overheard a group of boys
laughing in the hallway

and talking about a disease
that is going around,

"killing all the fags."

So,

I tried really hard to fit in.

I did my best,

and, I mean, I even pretended
that I liked watching sports on TV

with my three sports-loving brothers.

Even baseball.

So, it was tough. It was tough.

And I did my best, but I was miserable.

And like Josh, Tovanna, and Jamel
who I showed you earlier,

I often wanted to take my life.

So,

you know,

a few years ago,

I started looking at pop culture

and the messages that we receive,
that kids receive in pop culture.

And think about the blockbuster movies,
the movies that are most popular,

not the best movies,
but the movies that are most popular.

If you Google blockbuster movies
of 2017 and 2018,

what you're going to see
are all kinds of films

that typify this hypermasculine behavior
that I am talking about.

These are films often
with leading male characters

who are tall, and muscular,
and tough, and stoic,

and there's usually a woman
or a girl in the movie

that's going to ultimately become
his romantic or sex partner.

And you see fantastic explosions,
and fast cars, and police chases,

and these are the most popular movies.

And the film and TV industry is not
the only industry that's guilty of this.

Here are some more movies,

but the music industry is guilty of this,

the ad industry is guilty of this.

What the ad industry does
when they want to target men

is to talk about how men
can reclaim their manhood.

"Men are back."

"Consider your man card reissued."

"Spray more Axe cologne and get more."

Get more what?

Imagine.

(Laughter)

And this problem also exists
in our video game industry,

which is a real problem
for our young men today.

And of course, we see it often displayed
in the sports industry.

So,

a couple of years ago,
the New York Times conducted a study on -

featured, that is, Michael Kimmel,
who is a scholar.

And Michael Kimmel would pull his students
and he would ask them on a regular basis,

"Describe what a good man is,
and describe what a real man is."

And over time, he saw themes emerging.

And here's what he found:

that his students often described
a good man as honest, caring and selfless,

and the same students
would describe a real man

as a take charge, risk taker,
authoritative,

never cry and don't show weakness.

So it's no wonder that men
and boys are confused,

and girls and women for that matter.

Can you be a good man and a real man?

It's really an open question
in our society.

There's all kinds of research
that is really interesting

about how we treat boys
and girls differently

based on our perceptions
of how they should behave,

according to their gender.

There's a fascinating study
that was conducted by scholar Terry Rial.

He showed a video of a crying baby

to hundreds of adult
participants in this study.

For some of the adults,
he said the baby was a girl.

Other adults, he said the baby was a boy.

And he asked the adults to describe
what emotion the baby was conveying.

Overwhelmingly,

the adults who thought the baby was a girl
described her as scared, fearful.

The adults who thought the baby was a boy
described him as angry.

So it goes without saying
and it's pretty logical

that we treat our kids differently.

Well-intentioned parents
treat their kids differently

based on how we think they should behave,
according to their gender.

Now, there's all kinds
of surveys out there

that address what are the most
injurious words that kids experience.

When kids want to hurt other kids,
what do they hear? What do they use?

These are the most common insults.

This is what hurts kids.

"Whore," "bitch," "slut,"
"fag," "gay," retard,"

all motivated by hypermasculinity.

So it's no wonder

that 85% of LGBTQ kids
report being bullied in school.

It's no wonder

that 83% of girls report
being sexually harassed in school.

It's no wonder

that an estimated
5.4 million students skip school

on a regular basis during the school year

because they don't want
to confront their bullies.

And get this:

according to one study,

most adolescent girls fear gaining weight
more than they fear cancer, nuclear war

and losing a parent.

We have a problem, folks,

and we need to start
taking this seriously.

The problem doesn't have an easy solution.

We're not going to resolve this overnight.

But I think we can all do something
in our own small ways.

We can affect the people around us,
the circle of people around us,

by behaving in certain ways

and being more aware
of these toxic messages.

First of all, let's acknowledge
that hypermasculinity is a problem.

Let's also acknowledge

that misogyny, homophobia
and transphobia are inextricably linked.

We're all in this together.

Whether you're a man, woman,
boy, girl, gay, straight.

We're all in this together
because this is harmful to society.

And in our own little way,

if you see a woman or a girl
being harassed in the street -

if you're comfortable, intervene.

If you hear a homophobic joke
being told in the locker room,

do the brave thing and call it out
for what it is: offensive.

If your son wants to buy
a pink toy at Costco,

either buy it for him
or at least don't shame him.

I want to leave you with these faces:
Josh, Tovanna and Jamel.

I hope we don't just remember them today;

I hope we honor them.

Let's honor them
by all changing our outlook

on the messages that we receive,

and let's all be more aware
and help our kids.

And if we can just start

helping boys and men learn

that in order to be a real man,

you have to start by being a good man.

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheering)