'Knowing when the time is right': coming out, not holding back | Maria Esposito | TEDxWhitehallWomen

'Knowing when the time is right': coming out, not holding back.

Maria Esposito is a media professional​.

Originating from Leicester, Maria is the daughter of an Italian ice cream maker and has the unique experience of growing up in an ice cream factory! She went on to study Performing Arts at DeMontfort University and immediately after graduating worked as a professional actress for 12 years before joining the BBC as a comedy script editor and producer.

In 1986, she stepped on to the stage as an out gay stand up comedienne, performing across the UK and in the USA. Maria was one of the first gay presenters on TV and Radio hosting the BBC Radio 4 special 'A Sunday Outing' (a five-hour gay extravanganza of live and pre-recorded shows) and Channel 4's groundbreaking gay news and features series 'Out'.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Hello, TEDx and [unintelligible].

We were at college together.

(Laughter)

Off-camera voice:
That was a couple of years ago.

(Laughter)

Maria Esposito: Thirty-three years ago ...
Off-camera Voice: No!

(Laughter)

Off-camera voice: [unintelligible].

It's wonderful to be sharing
a stage with her again,

from our old performing art days.

But I'm here to talk about time.

How many times have you said

that you would do something
when the time is right?

Well, the truth of the matter is
the time is always right.

And right now, in our world,

there has never been
a better time to be out.

And I'm not talking about Brexit.

(Laughter)

I've been with my partner for 19 years.

For 10 of those years,
we've been civil partners.

And just recently, I'm now happy to say
that I can call her my wife.

(Cheers)

Thank you.

(Applause)

And the reason we've achieved that

is because we're of the generation
of people who never stopped coming out.

Sometimes, I have to come out
on a daily basis.

Sometimes, a couple of times a day.

And that's not just because
I like declaring my sexuality

at every opportune moment.

No, it's just everyday life.

You know, I might set up
a new bank account,

I might register with a new dentist,

anything.

My favourite:

checking in at a hotel.

(Chuckling)

I've booked a lovely double room
with a double bed,

for me and the wife,

and we arrive,

only to find that the hotel
has taken it upon themselves

to change our booking
to a twin-bedded room,

(Laughter)

on the assumption that
same-sex names means 'friends'

and we have clearly made a mistake
with our booking.

(Laughter)

Recently,

I had to go through a spate
of medical treatment,

which resulted in a few
stays in hospitals.

And let me tell you,
it was all gynaecological stuff,

so I cannot begin to tell you
how many times I had to come out.

(Laughter)

And on one of these days, I was there,
lying in my hospital bed,

and my partner was with me -
when we were still civil partners;

this was just before
we upgraded to marriage -

and the nurse came along and she's
filling out one of the many forms.

And then, all of a sudden,
she looks up and she said,

'And who's this? Is this your friend?'

And I said, 'No, this is my partner'.

And with that, she stumbled
and stuttered and went,

'Oh - Oh - Oh - Well -
"friend", "partner", same thing',

and scurried off.

(Laughter)

Now, I don't know about you,

but I don't tend to have sex
with my friends.

(Laughter)

There's something in the
heterosexual world I may have missed.

(Laughter)

But then I read a survey from Stonewall,
that came out in 2015,

that said over half of health
and social care practitioners

did not think that sexual
orientation played any part

in someone's healthcare needs.

The survey also disclosed

that 1 in 10 of these practitioners
had overheard colleagues

saying that being gay can be 'cured'.

I was interested in that bit, because
I'm 57 and I haven't been cured yet.

(Laughter)

I was wondering whether I could qualify
for signing on long-term sick.

(Laughter)

I think this is going to hang around
quite a few years, don't you?

These statistics -

It's not surprising that now, in 2016,

nearly half of all lesbians
are not out to their GPs.

It's astonishing.

Coming out takes courage,

and each day I have to find that courage

if I want to continue
to truly be who I am.

These ordinary, innocuous situations
for heterosexual people

can, for gay people,
be fraught with anxiety.

That split-second moment -
think about it -

that split-second moment before
you give an answer that will out you

is filled with the fear
of a thousand judgements

that can flood their way into your head,
creating a potential tsunami of shame.

Part of my shame manifested itself
in managing the reactions of others,

making it okay for them.

I felt apologetic that I had
made them feel awkward,

and that somehow it was
my responsibility to alleviate that.

I'm feeling very emotional about this.

So, you'll have to forgive my hesitation.

But through all of this,

I still chose, and I still
choose, to come out.

I have a wonderful gay cousin,

and just recently,
we were celebrating his marriage.

And at his party, we were sharing stories,

and he said to me
that at the age of 13, in 1963,

he had come to the conclusion

that, for him,

being gay meant
that he must be a criminal.

And then I shared with him,
for the first time -

I'd never told him this -

that for me, in 1972,

when I was 13,

what I was thinking and feeling

must have meant that I was mentally ill.

Now, you have to remember we lived
in a time that was pre gay soap stars.

It was pre gay pop stars.

We didn't have any coming out on YouTube.

We had nothing of that.

We could see nothing in the world
that reflected our lives back at us.

We lived a life of secrets,
and that became our norm.

And you know, in fact, if any town or city
did have a gay club back then,

it usually was called 'Secrets'.

(Laughter)

And it was downstairs, in a bar,
or in the back room of a pub, tucked away.

Even today,

you do know that the only sex shop
for lesbians in London is called 'Sh!'.

(Laughter)

It's true, it's an old street.
You can go and find it.

(Laughter)

You can take men by invitation.

So there we were,
at his party, celebrating,

but sharing our battle scars.

We were sharing our battle scars of living
through the comments, the stares,

the disgust, the hatred -

It was a constant drip feed
of microaggressions

that are seeped into our bodies
over the years.

But, you know, throughout all of this,

we both said that out of all
of the achievements in our lives -

and I'm really proud to say that my cousin
is a world-renowned harpsichordist -

out of all of the
achievements in our lives,

coming out is still the biggest.

I was recently really impacted

by a documentary I watched
on Martina Navrátilová,

called 'Just Call Me Martina'.

Anybody else see that?

Fantastic documentary.

But I was sitting there watching it,

and she was talking about
how, until recently,

she felt less than everybody else

because she wasn't allowed
to marry the person she loved.

I'm watching this documentary, thinking,
'Oh, my God! This is Martina!'

She's won 59 Grand Slam titles!

You know?

This woman's amazing!

And yet, even she felt less
than everyone else

because she couldn't marry
the person she loved.

But now, she can,

and it's because of the persistence
of our generation of coming out

that we were able to change the laws
and get that equality.

But let's not confuse
equality with equity,

because while we have now gained
legal representation and legal equality

in many, many areas,

can we really say that we live in a world

where we are allowed to fully participate
regardless of our sexuality?

I'm not quite so sure yet.

Because even with these small steps,
really, for heterosexuals,

but huge, giant leaps for queer kind,

we still have some ways to go.

Coming out is not a one-time deal.

It's a lifetime commitment of courage.

You see, our sexuality
is not just about sex.

It's about how I see, meet,
feel and touch the world.

And more importantly, for me,

it's about how the world meets, sees,
feels and touches me back.

So until the time -

And you know that thing you said
you were going to do in your head

when the time is right?

Just do it.

Because for me,

until the time comes

when the 26% of our lesbian and gay
and bisexual and transexual workers

who don't feel safe coming out
at work can come out -

Until the time comes

when the 72 countries
that still punish homosexuality

and where it's still illegal
change their laws,

and the 10 countries

that punish homosexuality
with the death penalty stop -

Until the time comes

when the 34% of young LGBT people

are not attempting suicide

and 51% of them not self-harming
in the UK today -

Until the time comes

when all LGBT people do not have to endure
the use of the word 'gay' pejoratively -

Until this time -

And more:

and maybe into a world

where we don't even have
to bother coming out,

it is just accepted -

Until this time,

I,

and my beautiful wife,

will keep coming out.

Thank you.

(Applause)