The uncomplicated truth about women's sexuality

Is women's sexuality actually more complicated than men's? The answer is no, says author Sarah Barmak. In an eye-opening talk, she shows how a flawed understanding of the female body has shaped our culture for centuries, debunking some age-old myths and offering a richer definition of pleasure that gets closer to the (actual) truth about women's sexuality.

In our culture we tend to see sex

as something that's more important
to men than it is to women.

But that's not true.

What is true is that women often feel
more shame in talking about it.

Over half of women quietly suffer
from some kind of sexual dysfunction.

We've been hearing
more about the orgasm gap.

It's kind of like the wage gap
but stickier ...

(Laughter)

Straight women tend to reach climax

less than 60 percent
of the time they have sex.

Men reach climax 90 percent
of the time they have sex.

To address these issues,
women have been sold flawed medication,

testosterone creams ...

even untested genital injections.

The thing is, female sexuality
can't be fixed with a pill.

That's because it's not broken:

it's misunderstood.

Our culture has had a skewed
and medically incorrect picture

of female sexuality

going back centuries.

If over half of women
have some kind of sexual problem,

maybe our idea of sexuality
doesn't work for women.

We need a clearer understanding
of how women actually work.

I'm a journalist,

and I recently wrote a book

about how our understanding
of female sexuality is evolving.

So sexuality itself was defined
back when men dominated science.

Male scientists
tended to see the female body

through their own skewed lens.

They could've just asked women
about their experience.

Instead they probed the female body
like it was a foreign landscape.

Even today we debate the existence
of female ejaculation and the G-spot

like we're talking about aliens or UFOs.

"Are they really out there?"

(Laughter)

All this goes double for LGBTQI
women's sexuality,

which has been hated
and erased in specific ways.

Ignorance about the female body
goes back centuries.

It goes back to the beginning
of modern medicine.

Cast your mind back to the 16th century,

a time of scientific revolution in Europe.

Men of ideas were challenging old dogmas.

They were building telescopes
to gaze up at the stars.

We were making progress ...

sometimes.

You see, the fathers of anatomy --

and I say "fathers" because,
let's face it, they were all dudes --

were poking about between women's legs

and trying to classify what they saw.

They weren't quite sure
what to do with the clitoris.

It didn't appear to have
anything to do with making babies.

The leading anatomist at the time declared

that it was probably
some kind of abnormal growth --

(Laughter)

and that any woman who had one
was probably a hermaphrodite.

It got so bad that parents would sometimes
have their daughter's clitoris cut off

if it was deemed too large.

That's right.

Something we think of today
as female genital mutilation

was practiced in the West
as late as the 20th century.

You have to wonder:

if they were that confused
about women's bodies,

why didn't they just ask women
for a little help?

But you must be thinking,
"All that was history.

It's a different world now.

Women have everything.

They have the birth control pill,

they have sexting
and Tinder and vajazzling."

(Laughter)

Things must be better now.

But medical ignorance
of the female body continues.

How many of you recognize this?

It's the full structure of the clitoris.

We think of the clitoris
as this little pea-sized nub,

but actually it extends
deep into the body.

Most of it lies under the skin.

It contains almost as much
erectile tissue as the penis.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

It looks a little like a swan.

(Laughter)

This sculpture is by an artist
named Sophia Wallace

as part of her "Cliteracy" project.

(Laughter)

She believes we need more "cliteracy,"

and it's true, considering
that this structure

was only fully 3-D mapped
by researchers in 2009.

That was after we finished mapping
the entire human genome.

(Laughter)

This ignorance has real-life consequences.

In a medical journal in 2005,

Dr. Helen O'Connell, a urologist,

warned her colleagues that this structure
was still nowhere to be found

in basic medical journals --

textbooks like "Gray's Anatomy."

This could have serious
consequences for surgery.

Take this in.

Gentlemen:

imagine if you were at risk
of losing your penis

because doctors weren't
totally sure where it was

or what it looked like.

Unsurprisingly,

many women aren't too clear
on their own genital anatomy either.

You can't really blame them.

The clitoris is often missing
from many sex-ed diagrams, too.

Women can sense that their culture
views their bodies with confusion at best,

outright disdain and disgust at worst.

Many women still view their own genitals
as dirty or inadequate.

They're increasingly
comparing their vulvas

with the neat and tiny ones
they see in pornography.

It's one reason why labiaplasty
is becoming a skyrocketing business

among women and teen girls.

Some people feel
that all this is a trivial issue.

I was writing my book
when I was at a dinner party

and someone said, "Isn't sexuality
a first-world problem?

Aren't women dealing with more
important issues all over the world?"

Of course they are.

But I think the impulse to trivialize sex
is part of our problem.

We live in a culture
that seems obsessed with sex.

We use it to sell everything.

We tell women that looking sexy

is one of the most important
things you can do.

But what we really do is we belittle sex.

We reduce it to a sad shadow
of what it truly is.

Sex is more than just an act.

I spoke with Dr. Lori Brotto,

a psychologist who treats
sexual issues in women,

including survivors of trauma.

She says the hundreds of women she sees
all tend to repeat the same thing.

They say, "I don't feel whole."

They feel they've lost a connection
with their partners and themselves.

So what is sex?

We've traditionally defined the act of sex

as a linear, goal-oriented process.

It's something that starts with lust,

continues to heavy petting

and finishes with a happy ending.

Except many women
don't experience it this way.

It's less linear for them
and more circular.

This is a new model
of women's arousal and desire

developed by Dr. Rosemary Basson.

It says many things,

including that women can begin
an encounter for many different reasons

that aren't desire,

like curiosity.

They can finish with a climax
or multiple climaxes,

or satisfaction without a climax at all.

All options are normal.

Some people are starting to champion
a richer definition of sexuality.

Whether you identify as male,
female or neither gender,

sex is about our relationship
to the senses.

It's about slowing down,

listening to the body,

coming into the present moment.

It's about our whole health
and well-being.

In other words,

sex at its true breadth isn't profane,

it's sacred.

That's one reason why women
are redefining their sexuality today.

They're asking: What is sex for me?

So they're experimenting with practices
that are less about the happy ending --

more about feeling whole.

So they're trying out
spiritual sex classes,

masturbation workshops --

even shooting their own porn

that celebrates the diversity
of real bodies.

For anyone who still feels
this is a trivial issue, consider this:

understanding your body
is crucial to the huge issue

of sex education and consent.

By deeply, intimately knowing
what kind of touch feels right,

what pressure, what speed, what context,

you can better know
what kind of touch feels wrong

and have the confidence to say so.

This isn't ultimately about women
having more or better sex.

It's not about making sure
women have as many orgasms as men.

It's about accepting yourself
and your own unique experience.

It's about you being
the expert on your body.

It's about defining pleasure
and satisfaction on your terms.

And if that means you're happiest
having no sex at all,

that's perfect, too.

If we define sex as part
of our whole health and well-being,

then empowering women
and girls to fully own it

is a crucial next step toward equality.

And I think it would be
a better world not just for women

but for everyone.

Thank you.

(Applause)