How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
-
0:01 - 0:03I'm sitting in a bar
with a couple of friends -- -
0:03 - 0:05literally, a couple, married couple.
-
0:05 - 0:07They're the parents of two young children,
-
0:07 - 0:09seven academic degrees between them,
-
0:09 - 0:14big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived. -
0:14 - 0:19And they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question. -
0:19 - 0:22They go, "So, Emily,
-
0:22 - 0:27how do couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection -
0:27 - 0:29over multiple decades?"
-
0:30 - 0:34I'm a sex educator, which is why
my friends ask me questions like this, -
0:34 - 0:36and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
-
0:36 - 0:40I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer. -
0:40 - 0:43Research actually has
pretty solid evidence -
0:43 - 0:45that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections -
0:45 - 0:47over multiple decades
-
0:47 - 0:49have two things in common.
-
0:49 - 0:52Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are, -
0:52 - 0:54I have to tell them a few things
that they are not. -
0:55 - 0:58These are not couples
who have sex very often. -
0:59 - 1:02Almost none of us have sex very often.
-
1:02 - 1:04We are busy.
-
1:04 - 1:08They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex. -
1:08 - 1:10One recent study actually found
-
1:10 - 1:13that the couples
who are most strongly predicted -
1:13 - 1:17to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction, -
1:17 - 1:19the best predictor of that
-
1:19 - 1:21is not what kind of sex they have
-
1:21 - 1:22or how often or where they have it
-
1:22 - 1:25but whether they cuddle after sex.
-
1:26 - 1:28And they are not necessarily couples
-
1:28 - 1:31who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other. -
1:31 - 1:32Some of them are.
-
1:32 - 1:35They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire," -
1:35 - 1:38that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue. -
1:38 - 1:40Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book, -
1:40 - 1:45draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals -- -
1:45 - 1:48kaboom! -- you just want it
out of the blue. -
1:48 - 1:52That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire. -
1:52 - 1:55But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire. -
1:55 - 1:57It's called "responsive desire."
-
1:57 - 2:02Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure, -
2:02 - 2:06responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure. -
2:06 - 2:09There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde, -
2:09 - 2:12who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients. -
2:12 - 2:16She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party. -
2:16 - 2:20You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party. -
2:20 - 2:22But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking, -
2:22 - 2:25"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
-
2:25 - 2:27We have to find child care.
-
2:27 - 2:29Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on -
2:29 - 2:31and get there at the end of the week?"
-
2:31 - 2:34But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party, -
2:34 - 2:36and what happens?
-
2:36 - 2:38You have a good time at the party.
-
2:38 - 2:40If you are having fun at the party,
-
2:40 - 2:42you are doing it right.
-
2:42 - 2:45When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing. -
2:45 - 2:47You put on your party clothes,
-
2:47 - 2:48you set up the child care,
-
2:48 - 2:50you put your body in the bed,
-
2:50 - 2:53you let your skin
touch your partner's skin -
2:53 - 2:55and allow your body
to wake up and remember, -
2:55 - 2:58"Oh, right! I like this.
-
2:58 - 2:59I like this person!"
-
3:00 - 3:02That's responsive desire,
-
3:02 - 3:07and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection -
3:07 - 3:08over the long term,
-
3:08 - 3:11because -- and this is the part
where I tell my friends -
3:11 - 3:15the two characteristics of the couples who
do sustain a strong sexual connection -- -
3:15 - 3:19one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship. -
3:19 - 3:22Specifically, they have strong trust.
-
3:23 - 3:24Relationship researcher and therapist,
-
3:24 - 3:26developer of emotionally focused therapy,
-
3:26 - 3:28Sue Johnson,
-
3:28 - 3:30boils trust down to this question:
-
3:30 - 3:33Are you there for me?
-
3:33 - 3:37Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me? -
3:37 - 3:39Friends are there for each other.
-
3:39 - 3:40One.
-
3:40 - 3:46The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex. -
3:46 - 3:50They decide that it matters
for their relationship. -
3:50 - 3:54They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing -- -
3:54 - 3:58the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to, -
3:58 - 4:00the other family members
to pay attention to, -
4:00 - 4:03the other friends they might
want to hang out with. -
4:03 - 4:06God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep. -
4:06 - 4:09Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space -
4:09 - 4:13where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed -
4:13 - 4:15and let your skin
touch your partner's skin. -
4:16 - 4:17So that's it:
-
4:17 - 4:19best friends,
-
4:19 - 4:20prioritize sex.
-
4:21 - 4:23So I said this to my friends in the bar.
-
4:23 - 4:27I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party, -
4:27 - 4:29I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin. -
4:29 - 4:34And one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh." -
4:34 - 4:36(Laughter)
-
4:36 - 4:38And I was like, "OK,
so, there's your problem." -
4:38 - 4:39(Laughter)
-
4:39 - 4:43The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily. -
4:43 - 4:46If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party, -
4:46 - 4:47you know what to do:
-
4:47 - 4:50you put on your party clothes
and show up for the party. -
4:50 - 4:53If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right. -
4:53 - 4:55Their difficulty was that this was a party
-
4:55 - 4:59where she didn't love
what there was available to eat, -
4:59 - 5:00the music was not her favorite music,
-
5:00 - 5:04and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people -
5:04 - 5:06who were at the party.
-
5:06 - 5:08And this happens all the time:
-
5:08 - 5:13nice people who love each other
come to dread sex. -
5:13 - 5:15These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
-
5:15 - 5:17the therapist might have them stand up
-
5:17 - 5:21and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need -
5:21 - 5:22in order to feel comfortable,
-
5:22 - 5:28and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space. -
5:28 - 5:32And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty. -
5:32 - 5:36It is crowded with weeks or months or more
-
5:36 - 5:38of the, "You're not listening to me,"
-
5:38 - 5:42and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping," -
5:42 - 5:45and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me." -
5:45 - 5:49Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings. -
5:49 - 5:51In the book, I use
this really silly metaphor -
5:51 - 5:54of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
-
5:54 - 5:58that you are fostering until
you can find a way to set them free -
5:58 - 6:02by turning toward them
with kindness and compassion. -
6:02 - 6:06And the couples who struggle
to maintain a strong sexual connection, -
6:06 - 6:10the distance between them
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs. -
6:10 - 6:12And it happens in any relationship
that lasts long enough. -
6:12 - 6:16You, too, are fostering
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs -
6:16 - 6:19between you and your certain
special someone. -
6:19 - 6:22The difference between couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection -
6:22 - 6:23and the ones who don't
-
6:23 - 6:27is not that they don't experience
these difficult hurt feelings, -
6:27 - 6:30it's that they turn towards
those difficult feelings -
6:30 - 6:32with kindness and compassion
-
6:32 - 6:34so that they can set them free
-
6:34 - 6:36and find their way back to each other.
-
6:37 - 6:42So my friends in the bar are faced
with the question under the question, -
6:42 - 6:44not, "How do we sustain
a strong connection?" -
6:44 - 6:47but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
-
6:48 - 6:50And, yes, there is science
to answer this question, -
6:50 - 6:52but in 25 years as a sex educator,
-
6:52 - 6:55one thing I have learned
is sometimes, Emily, -
6:55 - 6:56less science,
-
6:57 - 6:59more hedgehogs.
-
6:59 - 7:01So I told them about me.
-
7:01 - 7:06I spent many months writing a book about
the science of women's sexual well-being. -
7:06 - 7:09I was thinking about sex
all day, every day, -
7:09 - 7:14and I was so stressed by the project
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest -
7:14 - 7:16in actually having any sex.
-
7:16 - 7:19And then I spent months
traveling all over, -
7:19 - 7:21talking with anyone who would listen
-
7:21 - 7:23about the science
of women's sexual well-being. -
7:23 - 7:25And by the time I got home, you know,
-
7:25 - 7:27I'd show up for the party,
put my body in the bed, -
7:27 - 7:29let my skin touch my partner's skin,
-
7:29 - 7:34and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed
I would just cry and fall asleep. -
7:34 - 7:40And the months of isolation
fostered fear and loneliness -
7:40 - 7:42and frustration.
-
7:43 - 7:45So many hedgehogs.
-
7:45 - 7:49My best friend, this person
I love and admire, -
7:49 - 7:52felt a million miles away.
-
7:53 - 7:54But ...
-
7:55 - 7:57he was still there for me.
-
7:57 - 8:00No matter how many
difficult feelings there were, -
8:00 - 8:03he turned toward them
with kindness and compassion. -
8:03 - 8:04He never turned away.
-
8:06 - 8:08And what was the second characteristic
-
8:08 - 8:10of couples who sustain
a strong sexual connection? -
8:11 - 8:12They prioritize sex.
-
8:12 - 8:16They decide that it matters
for their relationship, -
8:16 - 8:19that they do what it takes
to find their way back to the connection. -
8:19 - 8:23I told my friends what sex therapist
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says. -
8:23 - 8:27She asks: What kind of sex
is worth wanting? -
8:28 - 8:31My partner and I looked
at the quality of our connection -
8:31 - 8:33and what it brought to our lives,
-
8:33 - 8:36and we looked at the family
of sleepy hedgehogs -
8:36 - 8:39I had introduced into our home.
-
8:41 - 8:43And we decided it was worth it.
-
8:43 - 8:48We decided -- we chose -- to do
what it took to find our way, -
8:48 - 8:51turning towards each
of those sleepy hedgehogs, -
8:51 - 8:52those difficult hurt feelings,
-
8:52 - 8:54with kindness and compassion
-
8:54 - 8:56and setting them free
so that we could find our way back -
8:57 - 8:59to the connection that mattered
for our relationship. -
9:01 - 9:03This is not the story we are usually told
-
9:03 - 9:06about how sexual desire works
in long-term relationships. -
9:07 - 9:10But I can think of nothing more romantic,
-
9:11 - 9:12nothing sexier,
-
9:13 - 9:17than being chosen as a priority
-
9:17 - 9:20because that connection matters enough,
-
9:21 - 9:25even after I introduced all of these
difficult feelings into our relationship. -
9:27 - 9:31How do you sustain a strong
sexual connection over the long term? -
9:32 - 9:35You look into the eyes
of your best friend, -
9:35 - 9:39and you keep choosing
to find your way back. -
9:40 - 9:41Thank you.
-
9:41 - 9:44(Applause)
- Title:
- How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
- Speaker:
- Emily Nagoski
- Description:
-
As a sex educator, Emily Nagoski is often asked: How do couples sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term? In this funny, insightful talk, she shares her answer -- drawing on (somewhat surprising) research to reveal why some couples stop having sex while others keep up a connection for a lifetime.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 09:57
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Oliver Friedman approved English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime |