Embrace your raw, strange magic
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0:00 - 0:04[This talk contains mature content]
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0:05 - 0:10My mother called this summer
to stage an intervention. -
0:11 - 0:16She'd come across
a few snippets of my memoir, -
0:17 - 0:18which wasn't even out yet,
-
0:18 - 0:19and she was concerned.
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0:21 - 0:23It wasn't the sex.
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0:23 - 0:25(Laughter)
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0:25 - 0:28It was the language that disturbed her.
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0:29 - 0:30For example:
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0:32 - 0:34"I have been so many things
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0:34 - 0:36along my curious journey:
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0:37 - 0:39a poor boy, a nigger,
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0:39 - 0:42a Yale man, a Harvard man,
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0:42 - 0:45a faggot, a Christian,
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0:45 - 0:47a crack baby, alleged,
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0:47 - 0:50the spawn of Satan, the Second Coming,
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0:50 - 0:51Casey."
-
0:52 - 0:53That's just page six.
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0:53 - 0:55(Laughter)
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0:55 - 0:57So you may understand my mother's worry.
-
0:59 - 1:04But she wanted only to make
one small change. -
1:04 - 1:06So she called, and she began,
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1:08 - 1:11"Hey, you are a man.
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1:12 - 1:15You're not a faggot, you're not a punk,
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1:15 - 1:16and let me tell you the difference.
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1:16 - 1:19You are prominent. You are intelligent.
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1:19 - 1:21You dress well. You know how to speak.
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1:21 - 1:22People like you.
-
1:22 - 1:25You don't walk around
doing your hand like a punk. -
1:25 - 1:28You're not a vagabond on the street.
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1:28 - 1:30You are an upstanding person
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1:30 - 1:32who just happens to be gay.
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1:33 - 1:36Don't put yourself over there
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1:36 - 1:38when you are over here."
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1:39 - 1:41She thought she'd done me a favor,
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1:42 - 1:44and in a way, she had.
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1:45 - 1:51Her call clarified
what I am trying to do with my life -
1:51 - 1:54and in my work as a writer,
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1:54 - 1:57which is to send one simple message:
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1:58 - 2:01the way we're taught to live
has got to change. -
2:02 - 2:04I learned this the hard way.
-
2:04 - 2:06I was born not on
the wrong side of the tracks, -
2:06 - 2:08but on the wrong side of a whole river,
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2:08 - 2:12the Trinity, down in Oak Cliff, Texas.
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2:12 - 2:14I was raised there
in part by my grandmother -
2:14 - 2:15who worked as a domestic,
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2:15 - 2:18and by my sister,
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2:18 - 2:21who adopted me
a few years after our mother, -
2:21 - 2:23who struggled with mental illness,
-
2:23 - 2:25disappeared.
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2:25 - 2:27And it was that disappearance,
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2:27 - 2:30that began when I was 13
and lasted for five years, -
2:31 - 2:32that shaped the person I became,
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2:33 - 2:36the person I later had to unbecome.
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2:37 - 2:41Before she left, my mother
had been my human hiding place. -
2:41 - 2:46She was the only other person
who seemed as strange as me, -
2:46 - 2:47beautifully strange,
-
2:47 - 2:51some mix of Blanche DuBois
from "A Streetcar Named Desire" -
2:51 - 2:53and a 1980s Whitney Houston.
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2:53 - 2:56(Laughter)
-
2:56 - 2:58I'm not saying she was perfect,
-
2:59 - 3:02just that I sure benefited
from her imperfections. -
3:02 - 3:05And maybe that's what magic is, after all:
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3:05 - 3:06a useful mistake.
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3:07 - 3:10So when she began to disappear
for days at a time, -
3:10 - 3:12I turned to some magic of my own.
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3:12 - 3:14It struck me, as from above,
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3:14 - 3:18that I could conjure up my mother
just by walking perfectly -
3:18 - 3:22from my elementary school
at the top of a steep hill -
3:22 - 3:25all the way down
to my grandmother's house, -
3:25 - 3:29placing one foot, and one foot only,
in each sidewalk square. -
3:30 - 3:33I couldn't let any part of any foot
touch the line between the square, -
3:33 - 3:35I couldn't skip a square,
-
3:35 - 3:38all the way to the last square
at the last blade of grass -
3:38 - 3:41that separated our lawn from our driveway.
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3:41 - 3:45And I bullshit you not, it worked --
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3:45 - 3:46just once though.
-
3:47 - 3:51But if my perfect walk
could not bring my mother back, -
3:51 - 3:54I found that this approach had other uses.
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3:55 - 3:57I found that everyone else
in charge around me -
3:57 - 3:59loved nothing more than perfection,
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4:00 - 4:03obedience, submission.
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4:03 - 4:06Or at least if I submitted,
they wouldn't bother me too much. -
4:06 - 4:09So I took a bargain
-
4:09 - 4:13that I'd later see in a prison,
a Stasi prison in Berlin, -
4:13 - 4:15on a sign that read,
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4:15 - 4:18"He who adapts can live tolerably."
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4:19 - 4:21It was a bargain that helped ensure
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4:21 - 4:25I had a place to stay and food to eat;
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4:25 - 4:29a bargain that won me praise
of teachers and kin, strangers; -
4:29 - 4:32a bargain that paid off
big time, it seemed, -
4:32 - 4:36when one day at 17, a man from Yale
showed up at my high school to recruit me -
4:36 - 4:37for Yale's football team.
-
4:38 - 4:41It felt as out of the blue to me then
as it may to you now. -
4:42 - 4:45The Yale man said -- everybody said --
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4:45 - 4:49that this was the best thing
that could ever happen to me, -
4:49 - 4:51the best thing that could happen
to the whole community. -
4:51 - 4:54"Take this ticket, boy," they told me.
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4:55 - 4:56I was not so sure.
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4:57 - 5:00Yale seemed another world entire:
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5:00 - 5:03a cold, foreign, hostile place.
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5:04 - 5:06On the first day of my recruiting visit,
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5:06 - 5:08I texted my sister
an excuse for not going. -
5:08 - 5:10"These people are so weird."
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5:11 - 5:14She replied, "You'll fit right in."
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5:14 - 5:17(Laughter)
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5:18 - 5:20I took the ticket
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5:20 - 5:22and worked damn hard to fit right in.
-
5:22 - 5:26When my freshman advisor warned me
not to wear my fitted hats on campus ... -
5:26 - 5:30"You're at Yale now. You don't have to
do that anymore," she said. -
5:31 - 5:34I figured, this was just one
of the small prices -
5:34 - 5:36that must be paid to make it.
-
5:37 - 5:40I paid them all, or tried,
-
5:40 - 5:43and sure enough
they seemed to pay me back: -
5:43 - 5:46made me a leader
on the varsity football team; -
5:46 - 5:49got me into a not-so-secret society
-
5:49 - 5:51and a job on Wall Street,
and later in Washington. -
5:51 - 5:55Things were going so well
that I figured naturally -
5:55 - 5:57I should be President
of the United States. -
5:57 - 6:01(Laughter)
-
6:01 - 6:03But since I was only 24
-
6:03 - 6:06and since even presidents
have to start somewhere, -
6:06 - 6:09I settled instead on a run for Congress.
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6:09 - 6:14Now, this was in the afterglow
of that great 2008 election: -
6:14 - 6:19the election during which
a serious, moderate senator stressed, -
6:19 - 6:23"The message you've got to send
more than any other message -
6:23 - 6:26is that Barack Obama is just like us."
-
6:27 - 6:28They sent that message so well
-
6:28 - 6:32that their campaign became
the gold standard of modern politics, -
6:32 - 6:35if not modern life,
which also seems to demand -
6:35 - 6:40that we each do whatever it takes
to be able to say at the end of our days -
6:40 - 6:44with peace and satisfaction,
"I was just like everybody else." -
6:44 - 6:47And this would be my message, too.
-
6:48 - 6:54So one night, I made one final call
to my prospective campaign manager. -
6:55 - 7:00We'd do the things it'd take to win,
but first he had one question: -
7:01 - 7:03"Is there anything I need to know?"
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7:04 - 7:08I held the phone and finally said,
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7:08 - 7:10"Well, you should probably know I'm gay."
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7:12 - 7:13Silence.
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7:15 - 7:18"Hmm. I see," he nearly whispered,
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7:18 - 7:22as if he'd found a shiny penny
or a dead baby bird. -
7:22 - 7:23(Laughter)
-
7:23 - 7:26"I'm glad you told me," he continued.
-
7:26 - 7:28"You definitely didn't make
my job any easier. -
7:28 - 7:30I mean, you are in Texas.
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7:30 - 7:33But it's not impossible, not impossible.
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7:34 - 7:36But Casey, let me ask you something:
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7:37 - 7:43How are you going to feel when somebody,
say, at a rally, calls you a faggot? -
7:44 - 7:45And let's be real, OK?
-
7:46 - 7:49You do understand that somebody
might want to physically harm you. -
7:50 - 7:52I just want to know:
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7:52 - 7:54Are you really ready for this?"
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7:56 - 7:57I wasn't.
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7:57 - 8:00And I could not understand --
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8:01 - 8:03could hardly breathe
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8:03 - 8:06or think, or say a word.
-
8:07 - 8:10But to be clear:
the boy that I was at that time -
8:10 - 8:13would have leapt
at the chance to be harmed, -
8:13 - 8:16to sacrifice everything,
even life, for a cause. -
8:17 - 8:20There was something shocking, though --
-
8:20 - 8:22not that there should have been,
but there was -- -
8:22 - 8:27in the notion that he might be harmed
for nothing more than being himself, -
8:27 - 8:30which he had not even tried
to do in the first place. -
8:31 - 8:34All that he -- all that I --
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8:34 - 8:38had tried to do and be
was what I thought was asked of me. -
8:38 - 8:42I was prominent for a 24-year-old:
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8:42 - 8:46intelligent, I spoke well, dressed decent;
I was an upstanding citizen. -
8:47 - 8:52But the bargain I had accepted
could not save me after all, -
8:53 - 8:54nor can it save you.
-
8:56 - 8:58You may have already learned this lesson,
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8:58 - 9:01or you will, regardless of your sexuality.
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9:02 - 9:06The queer receives
a concentrated dose, no doubt, -
9:06 - 9:10but repression is a bitter pill
that's offered to us all. -
9:12 - 9:15We're taught to hide so many parts
of who we are and what we've been through: -
9:15 - 9:18our love, our pain, for some, our faith.
-
9:19 - 9:22So while coming out
to the world can be hard, -
9:23 - 9:27coming in to all the raw, strange magic
of ourselves can be much harder. -
9:27 - 9:31As Miles Davis said, "It takes a long time
to sound like yourself." -
9:32 - 9:34That surely was the case for me.
-
9:35 - 9:38I had my private revelation
that night at 24, -
9:38 - 9:40but mostly went on with my life.
-
9:40 - 9:44I went on to Harvard Business School,
started a successful nonprofit, -
9:44 - 9:47wound up on the cover of a magazine,
on the stage at TED. -
9:47 - 9:49(Laughter)
-
9:49 - 9:50I had achieved, by my late 20s,
-
9:50 - 9:53about everything
a kid is supposed to achieve. -
9:54 - 9:56But I was real cracked up:
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9:57 - 10:02not exactly having a nervous breakdown,
but not too far off, -
10:02 - 10:03and awful sad either way.
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10:04 - 10:07I had never thought of being a writer,
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10:07 - 10:10didn't even read, in earnest,
until I was nearly 23. -
10:12 - 10:14But the book business
is about the only industry -
10:14 - 10:17that will pay you to investigate
your own problems, so -- -
10:17 - 10:20(Laughter)
-
10:23 - 10:25So I decided to give it a try,
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10:26 - 10:29to trace those cracks with words.
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10:31 - 10:35Now, what came out on the page was
about as strange as I felt at that time, -
10:35 - 10:38which alarmed some people at first.
-
10:38 - 10:41A respected writer called
to stage his own intervention -
10:41 - 10:44after reading a few early chapters,
-
10:44 - 10:47and he began, much like my mother,
-
10:47 - 10:50"Hey, listen.
-
10:51 - 10:53You've been hired
to write an autobiography. -
10:53 - 10:55It's a straightforward exercise.
-
10:55 - 10:57It's got a beginning, middle and end,
-
10:57 - 10:59and is grounded in the facts of your life.
-
10:59 - 11:03And by the way, there's a great tradition
of autobiography in this country, -
11:03 - 11:08led by people on the margins of society
who write to assert their existence. -
11:08 - 11:12Go buy some of those books
and learn from them. -
11:12 - 11:14You're going in the wrong direction."
-
11:16 - 11:19But I no longer believed
what we are taught -- -
11:19 - 11:22that the right direction
is the safe direction. -
11:22 - 11:24I no longer believed what we are taught --
-
11:24 - 11:27that queer lives or black lives
or poor lives are marginal lives. -
11:27 - 11:31I believed what Kendrick Lamar
says on "Section.80.": -
11:32 - 11:35"I'm not on the outside looking in.
-
11:35 - 11:37I'm not on the inside looking out.
-
11:37 - 11:39I'm in the dead fucking center
looking around." -
11:39 - 11:41(Laughter)
-
11:41 - 11:43That was the place
-
11:43 - 11:45from which I hoped to work,
-
11:45 - 11:48headed in the only direction worth going,
the direction of myself, -
11:49 - 11:52trying to help us all
refuse the awful bargains -
11:52 - 11:54we've been taught to take.
-
11:55 - 11:57We're taught to turn ourselves
-
11:57 - 12:01and our work into little nuggets
that are easily digestible; -
12:01 - 12:04taught to mutilate ourselves
so that we make sense to others, -
12:04 - 12:08to be a stranger to ourselves
so the right people might befriend us -
12:08 - 12:11and the right schools might accept us,
and the right jobs might hire us, -
12:11 - 12:13and the right parties might invite us,
-
12:13 - 12:16and, someday, the right God
might invite us to the right heaven -
12:16 - 12:18and close his pearly gates behind us,
-
12:18 - 12:21so we can bow down to Him
forever and ever. -
12:21 - 12:23These are the rewards, they say,
-
12:23 - 12:25for our obedience:
-
12:26 - 12:29to be a well-liked holy nugget,
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12:29 - 12:30to be dead.
-
12:31 - 12:34And I say in return, "No, thank you."
-
12:35 - 12:38To the world and to my mother.
-
12:40 - 12:41Well, to tell you the truth,
-
12:41 - 12:43all I said was, "OK, Mom,
I'll talk to you later." -
12:43 - 12:45(Laughter)
-
12:45 - 12:48But in my mind, I said, "No, thank you."
-
12:48 - 12:51I cannot accept her bargain either.
-
12:52 - 12:53Nor should you.
-
12:54 - 12:59It would be easy
for many of us in rooms like this -
12:59 - 13:02to see ourselves as safe,
-
13:02 - 13:04to keep ourselves over here.
-
13:06 - 13:08We speak well, we dress decent,
-
13:09 - 13:12we're intelligent, people like us,
or act like they do. -
13:13 - 13:18But instead, I say that we
should remember Lot's wife. -
13:19 - 13:22Jesus of Nazareth said it
first to his disciples: -
13:22 - 13:25"Remember Lot's wife."
-
13:26 - 13:30Lot, in case you haven't
read the Bible recently, -
13:30 - 13:33was a man who set
his family down in Sodom, -
13:33 - 13:37in the midst of a wicked society
that God decided he had to destroy. -
13:38 - 13:41But God, being cruel,
yet still a sap in part, -
13:41 - 13:45rushed two angels out to Sodom
to warn Lot to gather up his folks -
13:45 - 13:47and get out of Dodge.
-
13:47 - 13:51Lot heard the angel's warning, but delayed.
-
13:51 - 13:54They didn't have all day to wait,
so they grabbed Lot's hands -
13:54 - 13:57and his two daughters' hands,
and his wife's hands, -
13:57 - 13:59and hurried them out of Sodom.
-
13:59 - 14:01And the angels shout,
-
14:01 - 14:04"Escape to the mountain.
Whatever you do, don't look back," -
14:04 - 14:08just as God starts raining down fire
on Sodom and Gomorrah. -
14:08 - 14:11I can't figure out how Gomorrah
got dragged into this. -
14:11 - 14:14But Lot and his folks are running,
-
14:14 - 14:15fleeing all that destruction,
-
14:15 - 14:18kicking up dust while the Lord
rains down death, -
14:18 - 14:24and then, for some reason,
Lot's wife looks back. -
14:25 - 14:27God turns her into a pillar of salt.
-
14:29 - 14:32"Remember Lot's wife," Jesus says.
-
14:34 - 14:35But I've got a question:
-
14:37 - 14:38Why does she look back?
-
14:40 - 14:43Does she look back because
she didn't want to miss the mayhem, -
14:43 - 14:46wanted one last glimpse of a city on fire?
-
14:47 - 14:50Does she look back because she wanted
to be sure that her people -
14:50 - 14:53were far enough from danger
to breathe a little easy? -
14:53 - 14:57I'm so nosy and selfish sometimes,
those likely would have been my reasons -
14:57 - 14:58if I'd been in her shoes.
-
14:59 - 15:05But what if something else was going on
with this woman, Lot's wife? -
15:06 - 15:12What if she could not bear the thought
of leaving those people -
15:12 - 15:14all alone to burn alive,
-
15:14 - 15:16even for righteousness's sake?
-
15:17 - 15:18Isn't that possible?
-
15:19 - 15:25If it is, then this backward glance
of a disobedient woman -
15:25 - 15:27may not be a cautionary tale after all.
-
15:27 - 15:30It may be the bravest act
in all the Bible, -
15:30 - 15:33even braver than the act
that holds the whole Book together, -
15:33 - 15:34the crucifixion.
-
15:35 - 15:40We are told that up on Calvary,
on an old rugged cross, -
15:40 - 15:42Jesus gave his life to save everybody:
-
15:42 - 15:45billions and billions of strangers
for all time to come. -
15:46 - 15:48It's a nice thing to do.
-
15:48 - 15:49It made him famous, that's for sure.
-
15:49 - 15:51(Laughter)
-
15:51 - 15:54But Lot's wife was killed,
-
15:54 - 15:57turned into a pillar of salt,
-
15:57 - 16:01all because she could not
turn her back on her friends, -
16:01 - 16:04the wicked men of Sodom,
-
16:04 - 16:07and nobody even wrote
the woman's name down. -
16:09 - 16:12Oh, to have the courage of Lot's wife.
-
16:13 - 16:17That's the kind of courage we need today.
-
16:17 - 16:20The courage to put ourselves over there.
-
16:20 - 16:23The courage that says that either
all of us have to be faggots, -
16:23 - 16:28or none of us can be faggots,
for any of us to be free. -
16:28 - 16:32The courage to stand
with other vagabonds in the street, -
16:32 - 16:35with all the wretched of the earth,
-
16:35 - 16:37to form an army of the least of these,
-
16:37 - 16:42with the faith that from
the naked crust of all we are, -
16:42 - 16:44we can build a better world.
-
16:45 - 16:46Thank you.
-
16:46 - 16:51(Applause)
- Title:
- Embrace your raw, strange magic
- Speaker:
- Casey Gerald
- Description:
-
The way we're taught to live has got to change, says author Casey Gerald. Too often, we hide parts of ourselves in order to fit in, win praise, be accepted. But at what cost? In this inspiring talk, Gerald shares the personal sacrifices he made to attain success in the upper echelons of American society -- and shows why it's time for us to have the courage to live in the raw, strange magic of ourselves.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 17:03
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Oliver Friedman approved English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for Embrace your raw, strange magic |