What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness
-
0:02 - 0:06Azim Khamisa: We humans
have many defining moments in our lives. -
0:06 - 0:08Sometimes these moments are joyous,
-
0:09 - 0:11and sometimes they are heartbreaking,
-
0:11 - 0:13tragic.
-
0:13 - 0:18But at these defining moments,
if we are able to make the right choice, -
0:19 - 0:22we literally manifest a miracle
-
0:22 - 0:25in us and others.
-
0:25 - 0:28My only son Tariq, a university student,
-
0:28 - 0:32kind, generous, a good writer,
a good photographer, -
0:32 - 0:36had aspirations
to work for National Geographic, -
0:36 - 0:38engaged to a beautiful lady,
-
0:38 - 0:42worked as a pizza deliveryman
on Fridays and Saturdays. -
0:42 - 0:45He was lured to a bogus address
-
0:45 - 0:46by a youth gang.
-
0:47 - 0:49And in a gang initiation,
-
0:50 - 0:53a 14-year-old shot and killed him.
-
0:55 - 0:58The sudden, senseless death
-
0:58 - 1:03of an innocent, unarmed human being;
-
1:04 - 1:06the overwhelming grief of a family;
-
1:07 - 1:13the total confusion as you try
to absorb a new, hideous reality. -
1:14 - 1:17Needless to say it brought
my life to a crashing halt. -
1:17 - 1:19One of the hardest things
I've ever had to do -
1:19 - 1:23was to call his mother,
who lived in a different city. -
1:23 - 1:26How do you tell a mother
she's never going to see her son again, -
1:26 - 1:27or hear him laugh,
-
1:27 - 1:28or give him a hug?
-
1:31 - 1:32I practice as a Sufi Muslim.
-
1:33 - 1:35I meditate two hours a day.
-
1:36 - 1:37And sometimes,
-
1:37 - 1:40in deep trauma and deep tragedy,
-
1:40 - 1:42there is a spark of clarity.
-
1:43 - 1:46So what I downloaded in my meditation
-
1:46 - 1:49is that there were victims
at both ends of the gun. -
1:50 - 1:54It's easy to see that my son
was a victim of the 14-year-old, -
1:54 - 2:00a little bit complicated to see
that he was a victim of American society. -
2:00 - 2:03And that begs the question,
well, who is American society? -
2:04 - 2:05Well, it's you and me,
-
2:05 - 2:09because I don't believe
that society is just happenstance. -
2:09 - 2:13I think we are all responsible
for the society we've created. -
2:14 - 2:17And children killing children
is not a mark of a civil society. -
2:18 - 2:20So nine months after Tariq died,
-
2:21 - 2:23I started the Tariq Khamisa Foundation
-
2:24 - 2:26and our mandate
at the Tariq Khamisa Foundation -
2:27 - 2:29is to stop kids from killing kids
-
2:29 - 2:32by breaking the cycle of youth violence.
-
2:32 - 2:34And essentially we have three mandates.
-
2:34 - 2:38Our first and foremost
is to save lives of children. -
2:38 - 2:42It's important to do.
We lose so many on a daily basis. -
2:43 - 2:44Our second mandate
-
2:45 - 2:50is to empower the right choices
so kids don't fall through the cracks -
2:50 - 2:54and choose lives of gangs and crime
and drugs and alcohol and weapons. -
2:54 - 3:00And our third mandate is to teach
the principles of nonviolence, -
3:01 - 3:03of empathy, of compassion,
-
3:03 - 3:05of forgiveness.
-
3:06 - 3:08And I started with a very simple premise
-
3:08 - 3:10that violence is a learned behavior.
-
3:10 - 3:12No child was born violent.
-
3:13 - 3:15If you accept that as a truism,
-
3:15 - 3:18nonviolence can also be
a learned behavior, -
3:18 - 3:20but you have to teach it,
-
3:20 - 3:22because kids are not going to learn that
-
3:22 - 3:23through osmosis.
-
3:24 - 3:28Soon after that,
I reached out to my brother here, -
3:29 - 3:31with the attitude
that we had both lost a son. -
3:31 - 3:33My son died.
-
3:33 - 3:35He lost his grandson
to the adult prison system. -
3:35 - 3:37And I asked him to join me.
-
3:37 - 3:41As you see, 22 years later,
we are still here together, -
3:41 - 3:44because I can't bring Tariq
back from the dead, -
3:44 - 3:46you can't take Tony out of prison,
-
3:46 - 3:48but the one thing we can do
-
3:48 - 3:51is make sure no other young people
in our community -
3:51 - 3:54end up dead or end up in prison.
-
3:54 - 3:56With the grace of God,
-
3:56 - 3:59the Tariq Khamisa Foundation
has been successful. -
3:59 - 4:02We have a safe school model
-
4:02 - 4:04which has four different programs.
-
4:04 - 4:07The first one is a live assembly
with Ples and me. -
4:07 - 4:08We are introduced,
-
4:08 - 4:10this man's grandson killed this man's son,
-
4:10 - 4:11and here they are together.
-
4:11 - 4:14We have in-classroom curriculum.
-
4:14 - 4:17We have an after school mentoring program,
and we create a peace club. -
4:18 - 4:19And I'm happy to share with you
-
4:19 - 4:23that besides teaching
these principles of nonviolence, -
4:23 - 4:28we are able to cut suspensions
and expulsions by 70 percent, -
4:29 - 4:30which is huge.
-
4:30 - 4:31(Applause)
-
4:31 - 4:33Which is huge.
-
4:33 - 4:36Five years after Tariq died,
-
4:36 - 4:39and for me to complete
my journey of forgiveness, -
4:39 - 4:41I went to see the young man
who killed my son. -
4:41 - 4:43He was 19 years old.
-
4:44 - 4:47And I remember that meeting
because we were -- -
4:47 - 4:49he's 37, still in prison --
-
4:49 - 4:52but at that first meeting,
we locked eyeballs. -
4:52 - 4:55I'm looking in his eyes,
he's looking in my eyes, -
4:55 - 4:59and I'm looking in his eyes
trying to find a murderer, and I didn't. -
4:59 - 5:01I was able to climb through his eyes
-
5:01 - 5:03and touch his humanity that I got
-
5:03 - 5:07that the spark in him
was no different than the spark in me -
5:07 - 5:09or anybody else here.
-
5:09 - 5:12So I wasn't expecting that.
He was remorseful. -
5:12 - 5:14He was articulate. He was well-mannered.
-
5:14 - 5:17And I could tell that my hand
of forgiveness had changed him. -
5:19 - 5:21So with that, please welcome
my brother, Ples. -
5:21 - 5:24(Applause)
-
5:27 - 5:32Ples Felix: Tony is my one
and only daughter's one and only child. -
5:32 - 5:35Tony was born to my daughter,
-
5:35 - 5:37who was 15 when she gave birth to Tony.
-
5:39 - 5:42Mothering is the toughest
job on the planet. -
5:42 - 5:46There is no tougher job on the planet
than raising another human being -
5:46 - 5:49and making sure they're safe, secure
-
5:49 - 5:52and well-positioned
to be successful in life. -
5:53 - 5:56Tony experienced a lot of violence
in his life as a young kid. -
5:57 - 5:59He saw one of his favorite cousins
-
5:59 - 6:01be murdered in a hail
of automatic weapon fire -
6:01 - 6:04and gang involvement in Los Angeles.
-
6:04 - 6:06He was very traumatized
in so many different ways. -
6:07 - 6:09Tony came to live with me.
-
6:09 - 6:12I wanted to make sure
he had everything a kid needed -
6:12 - 6:13to be successful.
-
6:15 - 6:17But on this particular evening,
-
6:17 - 6:18after years of being with me
-
6:19 - 6:21and struggling mightily
to try to be successful -
6:21 - 6:25and to live up to my expectations
of being a successful person, -
6:26 - 6:29on this one particular day,
Tony ran away from home that evening, -
6:29 - 6:32he went to be with people
he thought were his friends, -
6:32 - 6:33he was given drugs and alcohol
-
6:33 - 6:34and he took them
-
6:34 - 6:38because he thought
they would make him feel carefree. -
6:38 - 6:41But all it did was
to make his anxiety go higher -
6:41 - 6:43and to create a more ...
-
6:45 - 6:48more deadly thinking on his part.
-
6:49 - 6:51He was invited to a robbery,
-
6:51 - 6:53he was given a 9mm handgun.
-
6:54 - 6:56And at the presence
of an 18-year-old who commanded him -
6:56 - 6:59and two 14-year-old boys
he thought were his friends, -
7:00 - 7:03he shot and killed Tariq Khamisa,
-
7:03 - 7:05this man's son.
-
7:08 - 7:10There are no words, there are no words
-
7:10 - 7:14that can express the loss of a child.
-
7:15 - 7:18At my understanding
that my grandson was responsible -
7:18 - 7:19for the murder of this human being,
-
7:19 - 7:23I went to the prayer closet,
like I was taught by my old folks, -
7:23 - 7:25and began to pray and meditate.
-
7:25 - 7:27The one thing that Mr. Khamisa
and I have in common, -
7:27 - 7:30and we didn't know this,
besides being wonderful human beings, -
7:30 - 7:32is that we both meditate.
-
7:32 - 7:33(Laughter)
-
7:33 - 7:34It was very helpful for me
-
7:34 - 7:38because it offered me an opportunity
to seek guidance and clarity -
7:38 - 7:44about how I wanted to be of support
of this man and his family in this loss. -
7:44 - 7:46And sure enough, my prayers were answered,
-
7:46 - 7:49because I was invited
to a meeting at this man's house, -
7:49 - 7:52met his mother, his father,
-
7:52 - 7:55his wife, his brother, met their family
-
7:55 - 8:00and had a chance to be in the presence
of God-spirited people led by this man, -
8:00 - 8:02who in the spirit of forgiveness,
-
8:02 - 8:05made way, made an opportunity for me
-
8:06 - 8:09to be of value and to share with him
and to share with children -
8:09 - 8:14the importance of understanding the need
to be with a responsible adult, -
8:14 - 8:16focus on your anger
in a way that's healthy, -
8:16 - 8:18learn to meditate.
-
8:18 - 8:21The programs that we have
in the Tariq Khamisa Foundation -
8:21 - 8:24provide so many tools
for the kids to put in their toolkit -
8:24 - 8:26so they could carry them
throughout their lives. -
8:26 - 8:29It's important that our children
understand that loving, caring adults -
8:30 - 8:31care for them and support them,
-
8:31 - 8:35but it's also important
that our children learn to meditate, -
8:35 - 8:37learn to be peaceful,
-
8:37 - 8:38learn to be centered
-
8:38 - 8:41and learn to interact
with the other children -
8:41 - 8:43in a kind, empathetic
-
8:43 - 8:45and wonderfully loving way.
-
8:45 - 8:47We need more love in our society
-
8:47 - 8:50and that's why we are here
to share the love with children, -
8:50 - 8:52because our children
will lead the way for us, -
8:53 - 8:55because all of us
will depend on our children. -
8:55 - 8:59As we grow older and retire,
they will take over this world for us, -
8:59 - 9:02so as much love as we teach them,
they will give it back to us. -
9:02 - 9:04Blessings. Thank you.
-
9:04 - 9:08(Applause)
-
9:10 - 9:14AK: So I was born in Kenya,
I was educated in England, -
9:14 - 9:17and my brother here is a Baptist.
-
9:17 - 9:19I practice as a Sufi Muslim.
-
9:19 - 9:21He's African American,
-
9:21 - 9:24but I always tell him,
I'm the African American in the group. -
9:24 - 9:25I was born in Africa. You were not.
-
9:25 - 9:28(Laughter)
-
9:28 - 9:30And I naturalized as a citizen.
-
9:30 - 9:32I'm a first-generation citizen.
-
9:32 - 9:36And I felt that, as an American citizen,
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9:36 - 9:39I must take my share of the responsibility
-
9:39 - 9:41for the murder of my son.
-
9:42 - 9:46Why? Because it was fired
by an American child. -
9:46 - 9:48You could take the position,
he killed my one and only son, -
9:48 - 9:51he should be hung from the highest pole.
-
9:52 - 9:54How does that improve society?
-
9:54 - 9:58And I know you are probably wondering
what happened to that young man. -
9:59 - 10:03He's still in prison.
He just turned 37 on September 22, -
10:04 - 10:05but I have some good news.
-
10:05 - 10:08We've been trying
to get him out for 12 years. -
10:08 - 10:11He finally will join us a year from now.
-
10:11 - 10:15(Applause)
-
10:18 - 10:21And I'm very excited to have him join us,
-
10:21 - 10:23because I know we've saved him,
-
10:23 - 10:27but he will save
tens of thousands of students -
10:27 - 10:29when he shares his testimony
-
10:29 - 10:32in schools that we are present at
on a regular basis. -
10:33 - 10:36When he says to the kids,
"When I was 11, I joined a gang. -
10:36 - 10:39When I was 14,
I murdered Mr. Khamisa's son. -
10:39 - 10:41I've spent the last
umpteen years in prison. -
10:41 - 10:44I'm here to tell you: it's not worth it,"
-
10:44 - 10:47do you think the kids
will listen to that voice? -
10:47 - 10:50Yes, because his intonations
-
10:50 - 10:53will be of a person
that pulled the trigger. -
10:53 - 10:58And I know that he wants
to turn the clock back. -
10:58 - 11:00Of course, that's not possible.
-
11:00 - 11:03I wish it was. I would have my son back.
-
11:03 - 11:05My brother would have his grandson back.
-
11:06 - 11:10So I think that demonstrates
the power of forgiveness. -
11:12 - 11:14So what's the big takeaway here?
-
11:15 - 11:18So I want to end
our session with this quote, -
11:18 - 11:21which is the basis of my fourth book,
-
11:21 - 11:23which incidentally,
-
11:23 - 11:25the foreword for that book
was written by Tony. -
11:27 - 11:31So it goes like this:
sustained goodwill creates friendship. -
11:31 - 11:33You don't make friends
by bombing them, right? -
11:33 - 11:35You make friends by extending goodwill.
-
11:35 - 11:36That ought to be obvious.
-
11:36 - 11:39So sustained goodwill creates friendship,
-
11:39 - 11:41sustained friendship creates trust,
-
11:41 - 11:44sustained trust creates empathy,
-
11:44 - 11:46sustained empathy creates compassion,
-
11:46 - 11:49and sustained compassion creates peace.
-
11:49 - 11:51I call this my peace formula.
-
11:51 - 11:57It starts with goodwill, friendship,
trust, empathy, compassion and peace. -
11:57 - 12:00But people ask me,
how do you extend goodwill -
12:00 - 12:02to the person who murdered your child?
-
12:03 - 12:05I tell them, you do that
through forgiveness. -
12:05 - 12:07As it's evident it worked for me.
-
12:08 - 12:09It worked for my family.
-
12:09 - 12:12What's a miracle is it worked for Tony,
-
12:12 - 12:14it worked for his family,
-
12:14 - 12:17it can work for you and your family,
-
12:18 - 12:20for Israel and Palestine,
North and South Korea, -
12:21 - 12:23for Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and Syria.
-
12:23 - 12:26It can work for
the United States of America. -
12:27 - 12:30So let me leave you with this, my sisters,
-
12:30 - 12:31and a couple of brothers --
-
12:31 - 12:33(Laughter)
-
12:33 - 12:35that peace is possible.
-
12:36 - 12:38How do I know that?
-
12:38 - 12:40Because I am at peace.
-
12:40 - 12:42Thank you very much. Namaste.
-
12:42 - 12:45(Applause)
- Title:
- What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness
- Speaker:
- Azim Khamisa, Ples Felix
- Description:
-
On one awful night in 1995, Ples Felix's 14-year-old grandson murdered Azim Khamisa's son in a gang initiation fueled by drugs, alcohol and a false sense of belonging. The deadly encounter sent Khamisa and Felix down paths of deep meditation, to forgive and to be forgiven -- and in an act of bravery and reconciliation, the two men met and forged a lasting bond. Together, they've used their story as an outline for a better, more merciful society, where victims of tragedy can grow and heal. Prepare to be moved by their unimaginable story. "Peace is possible," Khamisa says. "How do I know that? Because I am at peace."
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:06
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for What comes after tragedy? Forgiveness |