0:00:01.323,0:00:03.417 When I was six years old, 0:00:03.441,0:00:05.016 our house caught fire, 0:00:05.040,0:00:06.444 and my mother died. 0:00:07.109,0:00:09.404 It was a cold February night in Michigan. 0:00:09.428,0:00:11.344 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 0:00:11.368,0:00:14.196 so we had a warm fire going[br]in the fireplace. 0:00:14.220,0:00:16.803 My younger sister and I[br]were sitting next to our dog 0:00:16.827,0:00:19.807 and coloring with a brand-new box[br]of colored pencils, 0:00:19.831,0:00:21.812 when Mom said it was time for bed. 0:00:21.836,0:00:23.696 We'd planned to go up north that night 0:00:23.720,0:00:25.973 for a weekend of[br]snowmobiling and sledding, 0:00:25.997,0:00:28.166 but it was already dark[br]and snowing outside, 0:00:28.190,0:00:30.780 so we decided to leave[br]the next morning instead. 0:00:31.309,0:00:34.466 We went upstairs, brushed our teeth,[br]climbed into bed, 0:00:34.490,0:00:36.574 my sister's room right next to the stairs, 0:00:36.598,0:00:38.466 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 0:00:38.958,0:00:41.415 Our parents tucked us in[br]and kissed us good night 0:00:41.439,0:00:43.656 then left the door open just a crack, 0:00:43.680,0:00:46.276 and the hallway light on,[br]as it always was. 0:00:46.827,0:00:50.194 In the middle of the night,[br]I woke up sweating, 0:00:50.218,0:00:53.107 confused because I couldn't see[br]that hallway light. 0:00:53.131,0:00:54.734 I started shouting for my parents 0:00:54.758,0:00:58.055 until finally, I heard words[br]that I'll never forget: 0:00:58.079,0:00:59.892 "Dave, it's a fire!" 0:01:00.354,0:01:02.951 We later found out[br]that our fire from earlier 0:01:02.975,0:01:06.081 had burned through an unrepaired[br]crack in the chimney, 0:01:06.105,0:01:08.114 causing the fireplace doors to explode 0:01:08.138,0:01:10.309 and fire to just pour into[br]the living room. 0:01:10.865,0:01:14.272 I remember my mom running down[br]to my sister's room, 0:01:14.296,0:01:15.891 frantically searching for her 0:01:15.915,0:01:18.007 and finally finding her on the floor. 0:01:18.564,0:01:20.842 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 0:01:20.866,0:01:22.758 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 0:01:23.520,0:01:26.308 I remember standing[br]next to my sister's room, 0:01:26.332,0:01:28.686 trying to turn on that hallway light, 0:01:28.710,0:01:30.464 but it was already on; 0:01:30.488,0:01:33.471 I just couldn't see it because[br]the smoke was so thick. 0:01:34.891,0:01:37.963 I remember feeling[br]the heat of the fire on my skin 0:01:37.987,0:01:41.059 and hearing the sound of it[br]as it climbed up the stairs. 0:01:43.827,0:01:46.802 My dad ran down to my bedroom window[br]as an escape route, 0:01:46.826,0:01:49.696 but it was February,[br]and it was frozen shut. 0:01:50.257,0:01:53.598 Eventually, he broke the window[br]and pried it open, 0:01:53.622,0:01:56.991 his arms and hands covered[br]in glass and cuts. 0:01:57.853,0:02:00.805 He lifted my sister and me[br]onto an awning under the window 0:02:00.829,0:02:02.522 and told us to shout for help. 0:02:03.061,0:02:04.461 Not seeing my mom, 0:02:04.485,0:02:07.514 he considered going back[br]into the fire to find her, 0:02:07.538,0:02:11.299 but after looking at my sister and me[br]huddled together on that roof 0:02:11.323,0:02:14.199 and knowing that neither of them[br]may make it out, 0:02:14.223,0:02:16.091 he stayed with us, 0:02:16.115,0:02:18.500 calling her name[br]through the window instead. 0:02:20.120,0:02:21.295 After a few minutes, 0:02:21.319,0:02:24.787 a man driving down the street[br]saw the smoke and fire, 0:02:24.811,0:02:26.120 drove onto our lawn, 0:02:26.144,0:02:27.737 climbed onto the roof of his car 0:02:27.761,0:02:30.201 and told us to jump into his arms. 0:02:30.225,0:02:31.629 We'd never seen him before, 0:02:31.653,0:02:33.353 and even though he saved our lives, 0:02:33.377,0:02:34.842 we never saw him again. 0:02:35.269,0:02:37.289 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 0:02:37.313,0:02:40.337 while Dad continued to wait[br]on the roof for my mom, 0:02:40.361,0:02:42.980 reaching his arms and hands[br]through the window 0:02:43.004,0:02:44.393 and into the fire, 0:02:44.417,0:02:47.468 calling her name over and over. 0:02:48.797,0:02:51.349 He said later that when[br]the fire department arrived, 0:02:51.373,0:02:54.797 they carried him down the ladder[br]just as a lower-level window shattered 0:02:54.821,0:02:56.611 and burst into flames. 0:02:56.635,0:02:59.526 It took the fire department[br]longer to find my mom. 0:02:59.550,0:03:03.406 She'd been on the floor[br]of my bedroom the entire time, 0:03:03.430,0:03:06.152 pinned down by a dresser[br]that had fallen on her leg. 0:03:06.707,0:03:09.364 We think she went back[br]to look for our dog, 0:03:09.388,0:03:12.988 but by the time the fire department[br]reached them it was too late. 0:03:13.012,0:03:15.030 She died on the way to the hospital. 0:03:17.455,0:03:19.318 Dad was in critical condition, 0:03:19.342,0:03:23.168 with smoke inhalation and burns[br]and cuts over a third of his body. 0:03:23.533,0:03:25.498 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 0:03:25.522,0:03:27.594 unable to attend Mom's funeral 0:03:27.618,0:03:31.523 and undergoing multiple,[br]excruciating skin graft surgeries. 0:03:32.269,0:03:35.298 My sister and I stayed[br]with a neighbor across the street, 0:03:35.322,0:03:38.809 but we would sit in front[br]of their living room window for hours, 0:03:38.833,0:03:41.552 just staring at the remains[br]of our burnt home. 0:03:42.194,0:03:43.885 After a few days, it became evident 0:03:43.909,0:03:47.259 that we would need to go and stay[br]with some different family friends. 0:03:48.643,0:03:50.941 The next few years were tough. 0:03:51.321,0:03:53.365 As a single father of two young girls, 0:03:53.389,0:03:55.364 Dad did his very best to provide for us 0:03:55.388,0:03:58.706 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 0:03:59.722,0:04:02.749 We began to move on in this new reality. 0:04:02.773,0:04:06.117 Dad bought a new house down the street,[br]without a fireplace, 0:04:06.141,0:04:07.603 and eventually remarried. 0:04:08.006,0:04:10.102 My sister and I excelled in school. 0:04:10.126,0:04:11.285 I was a cheerleader, 0:04:11.309,0:04:13.694 and she rode horses[br]and played in the band. 0:04:14.122,0:04:18.007 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching[br]nightmares that haunted me. 0:04:19.286,0:04:20.778 I would dream of fire, 0:04:20.802,0:04:23.616 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 0:04:23.640,0:04:25.907 I remember, and even now I can feel, 0:04:25.931,0:04:28.747 the sheer panic[br]and the pressure in my chest. 0:04:29.453,0:04:33.726 Or worse were the dreams where[br]I was outside the fire watching it, 0:04:33.750,0:04:35.857 trying to save the people inside. 0:04:37.284,0:04:40.314 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 0:04:40.338,0:04:43.085 tears running down my face and sobbing. 0:04:46.719,0:04:48.572 When I was 15, 0:04:48.596,0:04:50.692 a friend of mine[br]and a very talented artist, 0:04:50.716,0:04:53.207 painted two abstract portraits for me. 0:04:53.231,0:04:54.741 One was done in black and white 0:04:54.765,0:04:58.129 and depicted a scared girl[br]cowering in the corner of a room, 0:04:58.153,0:05:00.076 shadows surrounding her. 0:05:00.100,0:05:02.566 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 0:05:02.590,0:05:04.512 the girl was in the center of the page, 0:05:04.536,0:05:06.370 arms open and outstretched, 0:05:06.394,0:05:08.928 clearly full of joy and happiness. 0:05:09.570,0:05:11.402 He knew my past, 0:05:11.426,0:05:14.428 and he knew that I was[br]conflicted and confused, 0:05:14.452,0:05:16.261 but he had also seen my potential 0:05:16.285,0:05:18.700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 0:05:19.300,0:05:22.310 After a few years,[br]I realized that these two portraits 0:05:22.334,0:05:25.377 showed two completely different[br]paths before me: 0:05:25.401,0:05:26.604 a life of fear 0:05:26.628,0:05:29.457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 0:05:30.041,0:05:33.090 I had always been drawn[br]to that brighter, more colorful painting, 0:05:33.114,0:05:35.302 but I wasn't quite sure[br]what it meant for me 0:05:35.326,0:05:39.819 or how to transform my current mentality[br]into that kind of joy and happiness. 0:05:40.433,0:05:42.593 So outwardly, I moved on with life -- 0:05:42.617,0:05:45.056 graduated high school, went to college -- 0:05:45.080,0:05:46.786 while inwardly, 0:05:46.810,0:05:49.915 I continued to bounce between[br]the highest of highs 0:05:49.939,0:05:51.674 and the lowest of lows, 0:05:51.698,0:05:54.534 like a Ping-Pong ball[br]between those two portraits. 0:05:56.006,0:06:00.018 In 2004, I went backpacking[br]through Central America with a friend. 0:06:00.042,0:06:02.383 We spent our first week[br]on the island of Roatán, 0:06:02.407,0:06:03.787 off the coast of Honduras. 0:06:03.811,0:06:06.148 After a few days there,[br]my friend and I realized 0:06:06.172,0:06:09.578 that one of our new local friends[br]was a fire dancer. 0:06:09.993,0:06:12.676 Neither of us had ever seen[br]fire dancing before, 0:06:12.700,0:06:15.346 so one night, we decided to go see a show. 0:06:16.948,0:06:20.244 We watched, mesmerized, 0:06:20.268,0:06:23.902 as he and two friends[br]lit these props on fire, 0:06:23.926,0:06:25.097 threw them in the air 0:06:25.121,0:06:27.326 and spun them around their bodies. 0:06:29.463,0:06:32.566 Their moves were[br]deliberate and controlled, 0:06:32.590,0:06:36.109 yet still graceful[br]and flowing to the music. 0:06:38.784,0:06:41.111 I was completely entranced. 0:06:41.523,0:06:44.932 The next day, he offered to teach us[br]how to fire dance, or "spin" -- 0:06:44.956,0:06:46.620 without fire, of course. 0:06:46.644,0:06:48.951 He showed us the difference[br]between a fire staff, 0:06:48.975,0:06:52.754 which is a long piece of wood[br]or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 0:06:52.778,0:06:56.856 and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks[br]with chains and finger loops. 0:06:58.042,0:07:00.516 After that first time spinning poi, 0:07:00.540,0:07:04.285 I knew that this was a hobby[br]that I wanted to continue learning 0:07:04.309,0:07:07.337 in the hopes that maybe one day, 0:07:07.361,0:07:10.968 I might be brave enough[br]to try it with fire. 0:07:11.759,0:07:14.249 Now, I can guess what[br]people might be thinking: 0:07:14.273,0:07:17.657 How was I not terrified[br]and running in the opposite direction? 0:07:18.039,0:07:20.355 And honestly, I don't know. 0:07:20.797,0:07:24.445 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader[br]and doing gymnastics and piano 0:07:24.469,0:07:25.780 while growing up, 0:07:25.804,0:07:28.920 these activities were[br]very structured and prescribed, 0:07:28.944,0:07:32.689 whereas this type of flow art[br]seemed like a form of meditation 0:07:32.713,0:07:34.467 but with a focus on fire, 0:07:34.491,0:07:37.800 this thing that scared me[br]so deeply for my entire life. 0:07:38.543,0:07:40.229 After that first time practicing, 0:07:40.253,0:07:43.151 my friend and I cobbled together[br]our own sets of homemade poi 0:07:43.175,0:07:45.894 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 0:07:45.918,0:07:48.319 We did not light shoelaces[br]and socks on fire, 0:07:48.343,0:07:50.426 we just used it for the practice part. 0:07:50.450,0:07:52.310 But after returning home to Michigan, 0:07:52.334,0:07:55.887 we decided to buy[br]our own sets of actual fire poi. 0:07:55.911,0:07:57.443 And after a few months, 0:07:57.467,0:08:00.263 we decided that we were ready[br]to light them on fire. 0:08:00.908,0:08:03.396 We bundled up in cotton layers, 0:08:03.420,0:08:04.986 got a fire extinguisher, 0:08:05.010,0:08:06.405 wet a towel for safety, 0:08:06.429,0:08:07.810 prepared our fuel, 0:08:07.834,0:08:11.691 gave each other a very energetic[br]pep talk and high five 0:08:11.715,0:08:13.974 and lit those poi on fire. 0:08:15.684,0:08:18.482 It was terrifying. 0:08:19.101,0:08:21.286 Half of my brain was freaking out 0:08:21.310,0:08:24.358 and thinking, "OK, wait --[br]maybe we need to think about this. 0:08:24.382,0:08:26.291 We should probably stop." 0:08:26.315,0:08:28.790 The sound of the fire[br]as it whooshed by my head 0:08:28.814,0:08:29.991 was incredibly loud 0:08:30.015,0:08:32.277 and brought me right back to my childhood. 0:08:32.939,0:08:35.565 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 0:08:37.617,0:08:41.240 The other half of my brain,[br]the creative half, was thinking, 0:08:41.264,0:08:44.690 "I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer." 0:08:45.601,0:08:46.983 For anyone who spins, 0:08:47.007,0:08:48.455 there's a level of adrenaline 0:08:48.479,0:08:50.925 or that rush of fire dancing. 0:08:50.949,0:08:54.501 But as someone whose life[br]had been so greatly impacted by fire, 0:08:54.525,0:08:57.817 I also felt an immense sense[br]of empowerment 0:08:57.841,0:09:01.402 at being able to control[br]and manipulate fire. 0:09:02.456,0:09:05.585 I made a conscious decision[br]to step out of my grief. 0:09:06.356,0:09:07.927 It was not easy. 0:09:07.951,0:09:11.190 There's a Nirvana lyric that says[br]"I miss the comfort of being sad," 0:09:11.214,0:09:12.795 and that was exactly it. 0:09:12.819,0:09:15.040 I was in control of my sadness. 0:09:15.064,0:09:18.083 I knew what it would bring to me,[br]and I knew what to expect, 0:09:18.107,0:09:20.288 but I also knew deep down that eventually, 0:09:20.312,0:09:24.532 I had to do that really hard work[br]of trying to heal from my past. 0:09:25.268,0:09:27.594 So I kept practicing. 0:09:27.618,0:09:30.633 I took a plastic grocery bag,[br]cut it into strips, 0:09:30.657,0:09:32.368 tied it to the ends of those poi 0:09:32.392,0:09:36.542 and used it to replicate the sound[br]of the fire as it went past my head. 0:09:36.980,0:09:38.941 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 0:09:39.639,0:09:42.051 At some point, something shifted. 0:09:42.075,0:09:44.202 My perspective on fire dancing changed 0:09:44.226,0:09:46.792 from something that I was[br]apprehensive about 0:09:46.816,0:09:50.044 to something that brought me[br]a sort of peace. 0:09:51.818,0:09:53.167 Without realizing it, 0:09:53.191,0:09:56.026 I had initiated my own form[br]of exposure therapy, 0:09:56.050,0:09:57.720 an actual type of psychotherapy 0:09:57.744,0:10:02.103 where you deliberately expose yourself[br]to things that have caused you trauma 0:10:02.127,0:10:03.589 or scare you. 0:10:03.613,0:10:06.825 I'd exposed myself to fire[br]in this very unique way 0:10:06.849,0:10:09.981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 0:10:10.676,0:10:12.162 My nightmares slowed down 0:10:12.186,0:10:15.193 and now, years later,[br]have stopped almost completely. 0:10:16.015,0:10:20.341 I started fire dancing not just for myself[br]but at events and performances. 0:10:20.365,0:10:23.951 I started a fire troop with friends[br]while living in Dubai, 0:10:23.975,0:10:27.602 created beautiful art with my sister[br]who became a photographer, 0:10:27.626,0:10:30.387 taught children how to spin[br]at birthday parties, 0:10:30.411,0:10:32.518 performed onstage and at festivals 0:10:32.542,0:10:35.642 and even taught my own children[br]the basics of spinning. 0:10:37.097,0:10:38.247 And that's not to say 0:10:38.271,0:10:41.312 that I don't still have[br]an apprehension to fire in general. 0:10:41.336,0:10:43.780 I can practice a move a million times, 0:10:43.804,0:10:45.413 but then when I try it with fire, 0:10:45.437,0:10:48.917 I feel that familiar panic[br]and tightening in my chest. 0:10:49.568,0:10:52.967 I'm still apprehensive about living[br]in a two-story house 0:10:52.991,0:10:55.117 or having a fireplace. 0:10:55.774,0:10:57.923 Every night before I go to sleep, 0:10:57.947,0:11:00.886 I clear a path between[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:00.910,0:11:02.061 our bedroom door 0:11:02.085,0:11:03.247 and all the exit doors, 0:11:03.271,0:11:04.859 in case we need to leave quickly. 0:11:04.883,0:11:06.282 And it's taken me a long time 0:11:06.306,0:11:09.872 to get on board with the idea[br]of closing bedroom doors at night 0:11:09.896,0:11:11.619 to slow down a fire, 0:11:11.643,0:11:15.215 because I'd always thought if I closed[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:15.239,0:11:18.031 I might not be able to hear them[br]like my mom heard me. 0:11:19.104,0:11:21.533 And of course, this is my story. 0:11:21.557,0:11:23.665 I can't say that I have the answer 0:11:23.689,0:11:26.093 for someone with a different[br]kind of trauma. 0:11:26.117,0:11:27.867 If the situation had been reversed, 0:11:27.891,0:11:29.987 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 0:11:30.011,0:11:32.567 I'm not sure that fire dancing[br]would be the answer, 0:11:32.591,0:11:35.647 or if I'd even have the capacity[br]to get near fire again. 0:11:36.130,0:11:38.664 But what I can say from my own experience 0:11:38.688,0:11:42.255 is that after experiencing[br]a trauma or hardship, 0:11:42.279,0:11:44.591 you have a choice between two paths. 0:11:44.615,0:11:49.088 One path will lead you to a life of fear[br]and cowering in the darkness, 0:11:49.112,0:11:51.899 like that black-and-white painting[br]I described earlier. 0:11:51.923,0:11:54.294 You might move on with life,[br]but at the same time, 0:11:54.318,0:11:57.432 you're still clinging to that sadness[br]that brings you comfort. 0:11:57.915,0:12:00.748 The other path, stepping out of grief, 0:12:00.772,0:12:03.136 will not change or undo anything. 0:12:03.960,0:12:05.442 It will be hard. 0:12:05.466,0:12:07.187 It will always be hard, 0:12:07.211,0:12:11.766 with high mountains[br]and deep, dark valleys. 0:12:12.512,0:12:16.134 But this path looks forward[br]and moves forward. 0:12:16.627,0:12:18.715 When I learned to dance with fire, 0:12:18.739,0:12:22.119 I learned to reconcile[br]the traumatic part of my life 0:12:22.143,0:12:25.682 with the totality of my life[br]as it was still unfolding. 0:12:26.738,0:12:28.929 Fire became more than just trauma 0:12:28.953,0:12:30.896 but beauty and art as well, 0:12:30.920,0:12:34.260 everything, all at once, just like life, 0:12:34.284,0:12:36.272 flickering and smoldering 0:12:36.296,0:12:38.662 and burning and dazzling, 0:12:40.193,0:12:44.937 and somehow, in the middle of it,[br]finding a way to dance ... 0:12:44.961,0:12:46.225 me. 0:12:46.249,0:12:47.539 Thank you.