1 00:00:01,323 --> 00:00:03,417 When I was six years old, 2 00:00:03,441 --> 00:00:05,016 our house caught fire, 3 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:06,444 and my mother died. 4 00:00:07,109 --> 00:00:09,404 It was a cold February night in Michigan. 5 00:00:09,428 --> 00:00:11,344 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 6 00:00:11,368 --> 00:00:14,196 so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. 7 00:00:14,220 --> 00:00:16,803 My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog 8 00:00:16,827 --> 00:00:19,807 and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils, 9 00:00:19,831 --> 00:00:21,812 when Mom said it was time for bed. 10 00:00:21,836 --> 00:00:23,696 We'd planned to go up north that night 11 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,973 for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding, 12 00:00:25,997 --> 00:00:28,166 but it was already dark and snowing outside, 13 00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:30,780 so we decided to leave the next morning instead. 14 00:00:31,309 --> 00:00:34,466 We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed, 15 00:00:34,490 --> 00:00:36,574 my sister's room right next to the stairs, 16 00:00:36,598 --> 00:00:38,466 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 17 00:00:38,958 --> 00:00:41,415 Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night 18 00:00:41,439 --> 00:00:43,656 then left the door open just a crack, 19 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,276 and the hallway light on, as it always was. 20 00:00:46,827 --> 00:00:50,194 In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating, 21 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,107 confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. 22 00:00:53,131 --> 00:00:54,734 I started shouting for my parents 23 00:00:54,758 --> 00:00:58,055 until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget: 24 00:00:58,079 --> 00:00:59,892 "Dave, it's a fire!" 25 00:01:00,354 --> 00:01:02,951 We later found out that our fire from earlier 26 00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:06,081 had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney, 27 00:01:06,105 --> 00:01:08,114 causing the fireplace doors to explode 28 00:01:08,138 --> 00:01:10,309 and fire to just pour into the living room. 29 00:01:10,865 --> 00:01:14,272 I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, 30 00:01:14,296 --> 00:01:15,891 frantically searching for her 31 00:01:15,915 --> 00:01:18,007 and finally finding her on the floor. 32 00:01:18,564 --> 00:01:20,842 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 33 00:01:20,866 --> 00:01:22,758 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 34 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,308 I remember standing next to my sister's room, 35 00:01:26,332 --> 00:01:28,686 trying to turn on that hallway light, 36 00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:30,464 but it was already on; 37 00:01:30,488 --> 00:01:33,471 I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. 38 00:01:34,891 --> 00:01:37,963 I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin 39 00:01:37,987 --> 00:01:41,059 and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs. 40 00:01:43,827 --> 00:01:46,802 My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, 41 00:01:46,826 --> 00:01:49,696 but it was February, and it was frozen shut. 42 00:01:50,257 --> 00:01:53,598 Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, 43 00:01:53,622 --> 00:01:56,991 his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. 44 00:01:57,853 --> 00:02:00,805 He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window 45 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,522 and told us to shout for help. 46 00:02:03,061 --> 00:02:04,461 Not seeing my mom, 47 00:02:04,485 --> 00:02:07,514 he considered going back into the fire to find her, 48 00:02:07,538 --> 00:02:11,299 but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof 49 00:02:11,323 --> 00:02:14,199 and knowing that neither of them may make it out, 50 00:02:14,223 --> 00:02:16,091 he stayed with us, 51 00:02:16,115 --> 00:02:18,500 calling her name through the window instead. 52 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,295 After a few minutes, 53 00:02:21,319 --> 00:02:24,787 a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, 54 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,120 drove onto our lawn, 55 00:02:26,144 --> 00:02:27,737 climbed onto the roof of his car 56 00:02:27,761 --> 00:02:30,201 and told us to jump into his arms. 57 00:02:30,225 --> 00:02:31,629 We'd never seen him before, 58 00:02:31,653 --> 00:02:33,353 and even though he saved our lives, 59 00:02:33,377 --> 00:02:34,842 we never saw him again. 60 00:02:35,269 --> 00:02:37,289 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 61 00:02:37,313 --> 00:02:40,337 while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, 62 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,980 reaching his arms and hands through the window 63 00:02:43,004 --> 00:02:44,393 and into the fire, 64 00:02:44,417 --> 00:02:47,468 calling her name over and over. 65 00:02:48,797 --> 00:02:51,349 He said later that when the fire department arrived, 66 00:02:51,373 --> 00:02:54,797 they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered 67 00:02:54,821 --> 00:02:56,611 and burst into flames. 68 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:59,526 It took the fire department longer to find my mom. 69 00:02:59,550 --> 00:03:03,406 She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, 70 00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:06,152 pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. 71 00:03:06,707 --> 00:03:09,364 We think she went back to look for our dog, 72 00:03:09,388 --> 00:03:12,988 but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. 73 00:03:13,012 --> 00:03:15,030 She died on the way to the hospital. 74 00:03:17,455 --> 00:03:19,318 Dad was in critical condition, 75 00:03:19,342 --> 00:03:23,168 with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. 76 00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:25,498 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 77 00:03:25,522 --> 00:03:27,594 unable to attend Mom's funeral 78 00:03:27,618 --> 00:03:31,523 and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. 79 00:03:32,269 --> 00:03:35,298 My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, 80 00:03:35,322 --> 00:03:38,809 but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours, 81 00:03:38,833 --> 00:03:41,552 just staring at the remains of our burnt home. 82 00:03:42,194 --> 00:03:43,885 After a few days, it became evident 83 00:03:43,909 --> 00:03:47,259 that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends. 84 00:03:48,643 --> 00:03:50,941 The next few years were tough. 85 00:03:51,321 --> 00:03:53,365 As a single father of two young girls, 86 00:03:53,389 --> 00:03:55,364 Dad did his very best to provide for us 87 00:03:55,388 --> 00:03:58,706 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 88 00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:02,749 We began to move on in this new reality. 89 00:04:02,773 --> 00:04:06,117 Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace, 90 00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,603 and eventually remarried. 91 00:04:08,006 --> 00:04:10,102 My sister and I excelled in school. 92 00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,285 I was a cheerleader, 93 00:04:11,309 --> 00:04:13,694 and she rode horses and played in the band. 94 00:04:14,122 --> 00:04:18,007 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. 95 00:04:19,286 --> 00:04:20,778 I would dream of fire, 96 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:23,616 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 97 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,907 I remember, and even now I can feel, 98 00:04:25,931 --> 00:04:28,747 the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest. 99 00:04:29,453 --> 00:04:33,726 Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, 100 00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:35,857 trying to save the people inside. 101 00:04:37,284 --> 00:04:40,314 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 102 00:04:40,338 --> 00:04:43,085 tears running down my face and sobbing. 103 00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:48,572 When I was 15, 104 00:04:48,596 --> 00:04:50,692 a friend of mine and a very talented artist, 105 00:04:50,716 --> 00:04:53,207 painted two abstract portraits for me. 106 00:04:53,231 --> 00:04:54,741 One was done in black and white 107 00:04:54,765 --> 00:04:58,129 and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, 108 00:04:58,153 --> 00:05:00,076 shadows surrounding her. 109 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,566 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 110 00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:04,512 the girl was in the center of the page, 111 00:05:04,536 --> 00:05:06,370 arms open and outstretched, 112 00:05:06,394 --> 00:05:08,928 clearly full of joy and happiness. 113 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,402 He knew my past, 114 00:05:11,426 --> 00:05:14,428 and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, 115 00:05:14,452 --> 00:05:16,261 but he had also seen my potential 116 00:05:16,285 --> 00:05:18,700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 117 00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,310 After a few years, I realized that these two portraits 118 00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:25,377 showed two completely different paths before me: 119 00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,604 a life of fear 120 00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:29,457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 121 00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:33,090 I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, 122 00:05:33,114 --> 00:05:35,302 but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me 123 00:05:35,326 --> 00:05:39,819 or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. 124 00:05:40,433 --> 00:05:42,593 So outwardly, I moved on with life -- 125 00:05:42,617 --> 00:05:45,056 graduated high school, went to college -- 126 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:46,786 while inwardly, 127 00:05:46,810 --> 00:05:49,915 I continued to bounce between the highest of highs 128 00:05:49,939 --> 00:05:51,674 and the lowest of lows, 129 00:05:51,698 --> 00:05:54,534 like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits. 130 00:05:56,006 --> 00:06:00,018 In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. 131 00:06:00,042 --> 00:06:02,383 We spent our first week on the island of Roatán, 132 00:06:02,407 --> 00:06:03,787 off the coast of Honduras. 133 00:06:03,811 --> 00:06:06,148 After a few days there, my friend and I realized 134 00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:09,578 that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. 135 00:06:09,993 --> 00:06:12,676 Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, 136 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,346 so one night, we decided to go see a show. 137 00:06:16,948 --> 00:06:20,244 We watched, mesmerized, 138 00:06:20,268 --> 00:06:23,902 as he and two friends lit these props on fire, 139 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,097 threw them in the air 140 00:06:25,121 --> 00:06:27,326 and spun them around their bodies. 141 00:06:29,463 --> 00:06:32,566 Their moves were deliberate and controlled, 142 00:06:32,590 --> 00:06:36,109 yet still graceful and flowing to the music. 143 00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:41,111 I was completely entranced. 144 00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:44,932 The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" -- 145 00:06:44,956 --> 00:06:46,620 without fire, of course. 146 00:06:46,644 --> 00:06:48,951 He showed us the difference between a fire staff, 147 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:52,754 which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 148 00:06:52,778 --> 00:06:56,856 and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. 149 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,516 After that first time spinning poi, 150 00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:04,285 I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning 151 00:07:04,309 --> 00:07:07,337 in the hopes that maybe one day, 152 00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:10,968 I might be brave enough to try it with fire. 153 00:07:11,759 --> 00:07:14,249 Now, I can guess what people might be thinking: 154 00:07:14,273 --> 00:07:17,657 How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? 155 00:07:18,039 --> 00:07:20,355 And honestly, I don't know. 156 00:07:20,797 --> 00:07:24,445 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano 157 00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:25,780 while growing up, 158 00:07:25,804 --> 00:07:28,920 these activities were very structured and prescribed, 159 00:07:28,944 --> 00:07:32,689 whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation 160 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,467 but with a focus on fire, 161 00:07:34,491 --> 00:07:37,800 this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life. 162 00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:40,229 After that first time practicing, 163 00:07:40,253 --> 00:07:43,151 my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi 164 00:07:43,175 --> 00:07:45,894 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 165 00:07:45,918 --> 00:07:48,319 We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, 166 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,426 we just used it for the practice part. 167 00:07:50,450 --> 00:07:52,310 But after returning home to Michigan, 168 00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:55,887 we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. 169 00:07:55,911 --> 00:07:57,443 And after a few months, 170 00:07:57,467 --> 00:08:00,263 we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. 171 00:08:00,908 --> 00:08:03,396 We bundled up in cotton layers, 172 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:04,986 got a fire extinguisher, 173 00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:06,405 wet a towel for safety, 174 00:08:06,429 --> 00:08:07,810 prepared our fuel, 175 00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:11,691 gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five 176 00:08:11,715 --> 00:08:13,974 and lit those poi on fire. 177 00:08:15,684 --> 00:08:18,482 It was terrifying. 178 00:08:19,101 --> 00:08:21,286 Half of my brain was freaking out 179 00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:24,358 and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this. 180 00:08:24,382 --> 00:08:26,291 We should probably stop." 181 00:08:26,315 --> 00:08:28,790 The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head 182 00:08:28,814 --> 00:08:29,991 was incredibly loud 183 00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:32,277 and brought me right back to my childhood. 184 00:08:32,939 --> 00:08:35,565 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 185 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:41,240 The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking, 186 00:08:41,264 --> 00:08:44,690 "I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer." 187 00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:46,983 For anyone who spins, 188 00:08:47,007 --> 00:08:48,455 there's a level of adrenaline 189 00:08:48,479 --> 00:08:50,925 or that rush of fire dancing. 190 00:08:50,949 --> 00:08:54,501 But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, 191 00:08:54,525 --> 00:08:57,817 I also felt an immense sense of empowerment 192 00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:01,402 at being able to control and manipulate fire. 193 00:09:02,456 --> 00:09:05,585 I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. 194 00:09:06,356 --> 00:09:07,927 It was not easy. 195 00:09:07,951 --> 00:09:11,190 There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," 196 00:09:11,214 --> 00:09:12,795 and that was exactly it. 197 00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,040 I was in control of my sadness. 198 00:09:15,064 --> 00:09:18,083 I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect, 199 00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:20,288 but I also knew deep down that eventually, 200 00:09:20,312 --> 00:09:24,532 I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past. 201 00:09:25,268 --> 00:09:27,594 So I kept practicing. 202 00:09:27,618 --> 00:09:30,633 I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips, 203 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,368 tied it to the ends of those poi 204 00:09:32,392 --> 00:09:36,542 and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head. 205 00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:38,941 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 206 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:42,051 At some point, something shifted. 207 00:09:42,075 --> 00:09:44,202 My perspective on fire dancing changed 208 00:09:44,226 --> 00:09:46,792 from something that I was apprehensive about 209 00:09:46,816 --> 00:09:50,044 to something that brought me a sort of peace. 210 00:09:51,818 --> 00:09:53,167 Without realizing it, 211 00:09:53,191 --> 00:09:56,026 I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy, 212 00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,720 an actual type of psychotherapy 213 00:09:57,744 --> 00:10:02,103 where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma 214 00:10:02,127 --> 00:10:03,589 or scare you. 215 00:10:03,613 --> 00:10:06,825 I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way 216 00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 217 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,162 My nightmares slowed down 218 00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:15,193 and now, years later, have stopped almost completely. 219 00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:20,341 I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. 220 00:10:20,365 --> 00:10:23,951 I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, 221 00:10:23,975 --> 00:10:27,602 created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, 222 00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:30,387 taught children how to spin at birthday parties, 223 00:10:30,411 --> 00:10:32,518 performed onstage and at festivals 224 00:10:32,542 --> 00:10:35,642 and even taught my own children the basics of spinning. 225 00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:38,247 And that's not to say 226 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,312 that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. 227 00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,780 I can practice a move a million times, 228 00:10:43,804 --> 00:10:45,413 but then when I try it with fire, 229 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,917 I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. 230 00:10:49,568 --> 00:10:52,967 I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house 231 00:10:52,991 --> 00:10:55,117 or having a fireplace. 232 00:10:55,774 --> 00:10:57,923 Every night before I go to sleep, 233 00:10:57,947 --> 00:11:00,886 I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, 234 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,061 our bedroom door 235 00:11:02,085 --> 00:11:03,247 and all the exit doors, 236 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,859 in case we need to leave quickly. 237 00:11:04,883 --> 00:11:06,282 And it's taken me a long time 238 00:11:06,306 --> 00:11:09,872 to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night 239 00:11:09,896 --> 00:11:11,619 to slow down a fire, 240 00:11:11,643 --> 00:11:15,215 because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, 241 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:18,031 I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me. 242 00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,533 And of course, this is my story. 243 00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:23,665 I can't say that I have the answer 244 00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:26,093 for someone with a different kind of trauma. 245 00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:27,867 If the situation had been reversed, 246 00:11:27,891 --> 00:11:29,987 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 247 00:11:30,011 --> 00:11:32,567 I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer, 248 00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:35,647 or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. 249 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,664 But what I can say from my own experience 250 00:11:38,688 --> 00:11:42,255 is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, 251 00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:44,591 you have a choice between two paths. 252 00:11:44,615 --> 00:11:49,088 One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness, 253 00:11:49,112 --> 00:11:51,899 like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. 254 00:11:51,923 --> 00:11:54,294 You might move on with life, but at the same time, 255 00:11:54,318 --> 00:11:57,432 you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. 256 00:11:57,915 --> 00:12:00,748 The other path, stepping out of grief, 257 00:12:00,772 --> 00:12:03,136 will not change or undo anything. 258 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,442 It will be hard. 259 00:12:05,466 --> 00:12:07,187 It will always be hard, 260 00:12:07,211 --> 00:12:11,766 with high mountains and deep, dark valleys. 261 00:12:12,512 --> 00:12:16,134 But this path looks forward and moves forward. 262 00:12:16,627 --> 00:12:18,715 When I learned to dance with fire, 263 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,119 I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life 264 00:12:22,143 --> 00:12:25,682 with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. 265 00:12:26,738 --> 00:12:28,929 Fire became more than just trauma 266 00:12:28,953 --> 00:12:30,896 but beauty and art as well, 267 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,260 everything, all at once, just like life, 268 00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:36,272 flickering and smoldering 269 00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:38,662 and burning and dazzling, 270 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:44,937 and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ... 271 00:12:44,961 --> 00:12:46,225 me. 272 00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:47,539 Thank you.