1 00:00:01,323 --> 00:00:03,441 When I was six years old, 2 00:00:03,441 --> 00:00:05,160 our house caught fire 3 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:06,444 and my mother died. 4 00:00:07,276 --> 00:00:09,475 It was a cold, February night in Michigan. 5 00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,533 Our chimney had recently been fixed, 6 00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:14,110 so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. 7 00:00:14,324 --> 00:00:16,930 My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog 8 00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:19,887 and coloring with a brand new box of colored pencils 9 00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,571 when Mom said it was time for bed. 10 00:00:21,836 --> 00:00:25,076 We'd planned to go up north that night for a weekend of snowmobiling 11 00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:26,226 and sledding, 12 00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:28,344 but it was already dark and snowing outside, 13 00:00:28,344 --> 00:00:30,931 so we decided to leave the next morning instead. 14 00:00:31,357 --> 00:00:32,536 We went upstairs, 15 00:00:32,536 --> 00:00:33,536 brushed our teeth, 16 00:00:33,536 --> 00:00:34,681 climbed into bed -- 17 00:00:34,681 --> 00:00:36,698 my sister's room right next to the stairs 18 00:00:36,698 --> 00:00:38,618 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 19 00:00:39,077 --> 00:00:41,514 Our parents tucked us in and kissed us goodnight, 20 00:00:41,514 --> 00:00:43,716 then left the door open just a crack 21 00:00:43,716 --> 00:00:45,119 and the hallway light on, 22 00:00:45,119 --> 00:00:46,489 as it always was. 23 00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:50,218 In the middle of the night I woke up sweating, 24 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,976 confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. 25 00:00:53,225 --> 00:00:54,800 I started shouting for my parents 26 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,101 until finally I heard words that I'll never forget: 27 00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,215 "Dave, it's a fire." 28 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,017 We later found out that our fire from earlier 29 00:01:03,017 --> 00:01:06,195 had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney 30 00:01:06,195 --> 00:01:08,138 causing the fireplace doors to explode 31 00:01:08,138 --> 00:01:10,436 and fire to just pour into the living room. 32 00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:14,296 I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, 33 00:01:14,296 --> 00:01:16,055 frantically searching for her 34 00:01:16,055 --> 00:01:18,111 and finally finding her on the floor. 35 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,935 I crawled after her on my hands and knees, 36 00:01:20,935 --> 00:01:22,998 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 37 00:01:23,770 --> 00:01:26,332 I remember standing next to my sister's room, 38 00:01:26,332 --> 00:01:28,779 trying to turn on that hallway light, 39 00:01:28,779 --> 00:01:30,648 but it was already on, 40 00:01:30,648 --> 00:01:33,803 I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. 41 00:01:34,891 --> 00:01:38,233 I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin 42 00:01:38,233 --> 00:01:41,059 and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs. 43 00:01:43,827 --> 00:01:47,083 My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, 44 00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:49,696 but it was February and it was frozen shut. 45 00:01:50,431 --> 00:01:53,725 Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, 46 00:01:53,725 --> 00:01:56,990 his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. 47 00:01:57,935 --> 00:02:00,829 He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window 48 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,735 and told us to shout for help. 49 00:02:03,148 --> 00:02:04,711 Not seeing my mom, 50 00:02:04,711 --> 00:02:07,621 he considered going back into the fire to find her, 51 00:02:07,621 --> 00:02:11,323 but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof, 52 00:02:11,323 --> 00:02:14,314 and knowing that neither of them may make it out, 53 00:02:14,314 --> 00:02:16,224 he stayed with us, 54 00:02:16,224 --> 00:02:18,721 calling her name through the window instead. 55 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,319 After a few minutes, 56 00:02:21,319 --> 00:02:24,962 a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, 57 00:02:24,962 --> 00:02:26,338 drove onto our lawn, 58 00:02:26,338 --> 00:02:27,920 climbed onto the roof of his car 59 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,869 and told us to jump into his arms. 60 00:02:30,392 --> 00:02:31,760 We'd never seen him before, 61 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,430 and even though he saved our lives, 62 00:02:33,430 --> 00:02:34,922 we never saw him again. 63 00:02:35,451 --> 00:02:37,452 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 64 00:02:37,452 --> 00:02:40,423 while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, 65 00:02:40,423 --> 00:02:43,153 reaching his arms and hands through the window 66 00:02:43,153 --> 00:02:44,622 and into the fire, 67 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,468 calling her name over and over. 68 00:02:48,797 --> 00:02:51,444 He said later that when the fire department arrived, 69 00:02:51,444 --> 00:02:54,807 they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered 70 00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:56,473 and burst into flames. 71 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,291 It took the fire department longer to find my mom. 72 00:02:59,655 --> 00:03:03,430 She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, 73 00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:06,394 pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. 74 00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:09,552 We think she went back to look for our dog, 75 00:03:09,552 --> 00:03:12,821 but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. 76 00:03:13,096 --> 00:03:15,030 She died on the way to the hospital. 77 00:03:17,559 --> 00:03:19,491 Dad was in critical condition 78 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:23,257 with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. 79 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:25,552 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 80 00:03:25,552 --> 00:03:27,618 unable to attend Mom's funeral 81 00:03:27,618 --> 00:03:31,523 and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. 82 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:35,465 My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, 83 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,934 but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours 84 00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:41,552 just staring at the remains of our burnt home. 85 00:03:42,424 --> 00:03:45,221 After a few days it became evident that we would need to go 86 00:03:45,221 --> 00:03:47,341 and stay with some different family friends. 87 00:03:48,858 --> 00:03:50,842 The next few years were tough. 88 00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:53,539 As a single father of two young girls, 89 00:03:53,539 --> 00:03:55,627 Dad did his very best to provide for us 90 00:03:55,627 --> 00:03:58,622 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 91 00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:02,555 We began to move on in this new reality. 92 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:04,902 Dad bought a new house down the street -- 93 00:04:04,902 --> 00:04:06,254 without a fireplace -- 94 00:04:06,254 --> 00:04:07,716 and eventually remarried. 95 00:04:08,141 --> 00:04:10,162 My sister and I excelled in school. 96 00:04:10,323 --> 00:04:11,409 I was a cheerleader 97 00:04:11,409 --> 00:04:13,694 and she rode horses and played in the band. 98 00:04:14,178 --> 00:04:17,964 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. 99 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:20,961 I would dream of fire, 100 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,511 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 101 00:04:23,778 --> 00:04:27,056 I remember and even now I can feel the sheer panic 102 00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:28,843 and the pressure in my chest. 103 00:04:29,548 --> 00:04:33,980 Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, 104 00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:36,087 trying to save the people inside. 105 00:04:37,371 --> 00:04:40,338 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 106 00:04:40,338 --> 00:04:42,060 tears running down my face 107 00:04:42,060 --> 00:04:43,530 and sobbing. 108 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,689 When I was 15, 109 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:49,692 a friend of mine, 110 00:04:49,692 --> 00:04:50,976 and a very talented artist, 111 00:04:50,976 --> 00:04:53,163 painted two abstract portraits for me. 112 00:04:53,398 --> 00:04:54,892 One was done in black and white 113 00:04:54,892 --> 00:04:58,237 and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, 114 00:04:58,237 --> 00:04:59,879 shadows surrounding her. 115 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,746 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 116 00:05:02,746 --> 00:05:04,639 the girl was in the center of the page, 117 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,449 arms open and outstretched, 118 00:05:06,449 --> 00:05:09,178 clearly full of joy and happiness. 119 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,549 He knew my past 120 00:05:11,549 --> 00:05:14,494 and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, 121 00:05:14,494 --> 00:05:16,410 but he'd also seen my potential 122 00:05:16,410 --> 00:05:18,700 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 123 00:05:19,468 --> 00:05:20,474 After a few years, 124 00:05:20,474 --> 00:05:22,398 I realized that these two portraits 125 00:05:22,398 --> 00:05:25,250 showed two completely different paths before me. 126 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:26,732 A life of fear 127 00:05:26,732 --> 00:05:29,457 or the promise and potential for recovery. 128 00:05:30,233 --> 00:05:33,280 I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, 129 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,601 but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me 130 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:39,742 or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. 131 00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:41,621 So outwardly, 132 00:05:41,621 --> 00:05:42,809 I moved on with life -- 133 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:43,935 graduated high school, 134 00:05:43,935 --> 00:05:45,210 went to college -- 135 00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:46,976 while inwardly, 136 00:05:46,976 --> 00:05:49,939 I continued to bounce between the highest of highs 137 00:05:49,939 --> 00:05:51,825 and the lowest of lows, 138 00:05:51,825 --> 00:05:54,534 like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits. 139 00:05:56,117 --> 00:05:59,861 In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. 140 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:02,533 We spent our first weekend on the island of Roatán, 141 00:06:02,533 --> 00:06:03,788 off the coast of Honduras. 142 00:06:03,907 --> 00:06:05,052 After a few days there, 143 00:06:05,052 --> 00:06:06,301 my friend and I realized 144 00:06:06,301 --> 00:06:09,707 that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. 145 00:06:10,166 --> 00:06:12,845 Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, 146 00:06:12,845 --> 00:06:15,346 so one night we decided to go see a show. 147 00:06:17,179 --> 00:06:20,451 We watched, mesmerized, 148 00:06:20,451 --> 00:06:23,926 as he and two friends lit these props on fire, 149 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,121 threw them in the air 150 00:06:25,121 --> 00:06:27,540 and spun them around their bodies. 151 00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:32,758 Their moves were deliberate and controlled 152 00:06:32,758 --> 00:06:36,277 yet still graceful and flowing to the music. 153 00:06:38,919 --> 00:06:41,132 I was completely entranced. 154 00:06:41,593 --> 00:06:44,286 The next day he offered to teach us how to fire dance, 155 00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:45,290 or spin -- 156 00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:46,713 without fire, of course. 157 00:06:46,713 --> 00:06:49,280 He showed us the difference between a fire staff 158 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:52,778 which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, 159 00:06:52,778 --> 00:06:56,856 and fire poi which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. 160 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:00,600 After that first time spinning poi, 161 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:04,379 I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning 162 00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:07,361 in the hopes that maybe one day 163 00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:10,968 I might be brave enough to try it with fire. 164 00:07:11,942 --> 00:07:14,385 Now, I can guess what people might be thinking. 165 00:07:14,385 --> 00:07:17,622 How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? 166 00:07:18,191 --> 00:07:20,398 And honestly, I don't know. 167 00:07:20,956 --> 00:07:24,509 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano 168 00:07:24,509 --> 00:07:25,871 while growing up, 169 00:07:25,871 --> 00:07:29,010 these activities were very structured and prescribed, 170 00:07:29,010 --> 00:07:32,860 whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation 171 00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:34,373 but with a focus on fire -- 172 00:07:34,373 --> 00:07:38,270 this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life. 173 00:07:38,663 --> 00:07:40,454 After that first time practicing, 174 00:07:40,454 --> 00:07:43,342 my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi 175 00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:45,806 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 176 00:07:46,053 --> 00:07:48,399 We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, 177 00:07:48,399 --> 00:07:50,414 we just used it for the practice part. 178 00:07:50,584 --> 00:07:52,365 But after returning home to Michigan, 179 00:07:52,365 --> 00:07:55,703 we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. 180 00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:57,467 And after a few months, 181 00:07:57,467 --> 00:08:00,263 we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. 182 00:08:00,988 --> 00:08:03,499 We bundled up in cotton layers, 183 00:08:03,499 --> 00:08:05,120 got a fire extinguisher, 184 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,429 wet a towel for safety, 185 00:08:06,429 --> 00:08:07,834 prepared our fuel, 186 00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:11,893 gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five, 187 00:08:11,893 --> 00:08:14,140 and lit those poi on fire. 188 00:08:15,684 --> 00:08:18,306 It was terrifying. 189 00:08:19,172 --> 00:08:21,310 Half of my brain was freaking out 190 00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:22,983 and thinking, OK, wait, 191 00:08:22,983 --> 00:08:24,609 maybe we need to think about this. 192 00:08:24,609 --> 00:08:26,093 We should probably stop. 193 00:08:26,374 --> 00:08:28,923 The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head 194 00:08:28,923 --> 00:08:30,129 was incredibly loud 195 00:08:30,129 --> 00:08:32,543 and brought me right back to my childhood. 196 00:08:32,939 --> 00:08:35,339 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 197 00:08:37,665 --> 00:08:39,530 The other half of my brain, 198 00:08:39,530 --> 00:08:41,364 the creative half was thinking, 199 00:08:41,364 --> 00:08:42,855 I can't believe it; 200 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,690 I'm a fire dancer. 201 00:08:45,656 --> 00:08:47,164 For anyone who spins, 202 00:08:47,164 --> 00:08:48,718 there's a level of adrenaline 203 00:08:48,718 --> 00:08:50,949 or that rush of fire dancing, 204 00:08:50,949 --> 00:08:54,632 but as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, 205 00:08:54,632 --> 00:08:58,048 I also felt an immense sense of empowerment 206 00:08:58,048 --> 00:09:01,402 at being able to control and manipulate fire. 207 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,608 I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. 208 00:09:06,404 --> 00:09:07,772 It was not easy. 209 00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:11,314 There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," 210 00:09:11,314 --> 00:09:12,763 and that was exactly it. 211 00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:14,841 I was in control of my sadness. 212 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,645 I knew what it would bring to me 213 00:09:16,645 --> 00:09:18,218 and I knew what to expect, 214 00:09:18,218 --> 00:09:19,551 but I also knew deep down 215 00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:22,282 that eventually I had to do that really hard work 216 00:09:22,282 --> 00:09:24,532 of trying to heal from my past. 217 00:09:25,363 --> 00:09:27,482 So I kept practicing. 218 00:09:27,753 --> 00:09:29,209 I took a plastic grocery bag, 219 00:09:29,209 --> 00:09:30,732 cut it into strips, 220 00:09:30,732 --> 00:09:32,471 tied it to the ends of those poi 221 00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:35,082 and used it to replicate the sound of the fire 222 00:09:35,082 --> 00:09:36,732 as it went past my head. 223 00:09:37,131 --> 00:09:39,511 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 224 00:09:39,806 --> 00:09:42,211 At some point, something shifted. 225 00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:44,451 My perspective on fire dancing changed 226 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,040 from something that I was apprehensive about 227 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,268 to something that brought me a sort of peace. 228 00:09:51,866 --> 00:09:53,238 Without realizing it, 229 00:09:53,238 --> 00:09:56,145 I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy. 230 00:09:56,145 --> 00:09:57,744 An actual type of psychotherapy 231 00:09:57,744 --> 00:10:02,127 where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma 232 00:10:02,127 --> 00:10:03,536 or scare you. 233 00:10:03,766 --> 00:10:06,849 I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way 234 00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,981 and had transformed what it meant to me. 235 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,354 My nightmares slowed down 236 00:10:12,354 --> 00:10:15,361 and now years later have stopped almost completely. 237 00:10:16,163 --> 00:10:20,135 I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. 238 00:10:20,437 --> 00:10:24,075 I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, 239 00:10:24,075 --> 00:10:27,626 created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, 240 00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:30,411 taught children how to spin at birthday parties, 241 00:10:30,411 --> 00:10:32,585 performed onstage and at festivals 242 00:10:32,585 --> 00:10:35,685 and even taught my own children the basics of spinning. 243 00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:38,271 And that's not to say 244 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,069 that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. 245 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:43,830 I can practice a move a million times, 246 00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:45,437 but then when I try it with fire, 247 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,774 I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. 248 00:10:49,673 --> 00:10:53,072 I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house 249 00:10:53,072 --> 00:10:54,933 or having a fireplace. 250 00:10:55,774 --> 00:10:57,947 Every night before I go to sleep, 251 00:10:57,947 --> 00:11:00,958 I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, 252 00:11:00,958 --> 00:11:01,959 our bedroom door 253 00:11:01,959 --> 00:11:03,140 and all the exit doors 254 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,766 in case we need to leave quickly. 255 00:11:05,030 --> 00:11:07,075 And it's taken me a long time to get onboard 256 00:11:07,075 --> 00:11:09,896 with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night 257 00:11:09,896 --> 00:11:11,508 to slow down a fire, 258 00:11:11,508 --> 00:11:15,239 because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, 259 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:18,430 I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me. 260 00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,630 And of course this is my story; 261 00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:23,689 I can't say that I have the answer 262 00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:25,831 for someone with a different kind of trauma. 263 00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:28,081 If the situation had been reversed 264 00:11:28,081 --> 00:11:30,011 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 265 00:11:30,011 --> 00:11:32,823 I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer 266 00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:35,893 or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. 267 00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:38,870 But what I can say from my own experience 268 00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:42,345 is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, 269 00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:44,682 you have a choice between two paths: 270 00:11:44,682 --> 00:11:49,190 one path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness 271 00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:51,794 like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. 272 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,408 You might move on with life, 273 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:57,527 but at the same time you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. 274 00:11:57,927 --> 00:11:58,993 The other path -- 275 00:11:58,993 --> 00:12:00,855 stepping out of grief -- 276 00:12:00,855 --> 00:12:03,147 will not change or undo anything. 277 00:12:04,008 --> 00:12:05,354 It will be hard. 278 00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:07,365 It will always be hard, 279 00:12:07,365 --> 00:12:12,536 with high mountains and deep, dark valleys, 280 00:12:12,536 --> 00:12:16,286 but this path looks forward and moves forward. 281 00:12:16,858 --> 00:12:18,832 When I learned to dance with fire, 282 00:12:18,832 --> 00:12:22,235 I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life 283 00:12:22,235 --> 00:12:25,620 with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. 284 00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:29,149 Fire became more than just trauma 285 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,188 but beauty and art as well: 286 00:12:31,188 --> 00:12:32,670 everything, all at once, 287 00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,179 just like life, 288 00:12:34,179 --> 00:12:36,365 flickering and smoldering 289 00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:38,662 and burning and dazzling. 290 00:12:40,305 --> 00:12:43,345 And somehow in the middle of it, 291 00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:44,985 finding a way to dance ... 292 00:12:44,985 --> 00:12:46,098 me. 293 00:12:46,448 --> 00:12:47,738 Thank you.