0:00:01.591,0:00:03.593 When I was six years old, 0:00:03.593,0:00:05.246 our house caught fire 0:00:05.246,0:00:06.660 and my mother died. 0:00:07.395,0:00:09.594 It was a cold, February night in Michigan. 0:00:09.778,0:00:11.662 Our chimney had recently been fixed 0:00:11.662,0:00:14.110 so we had a warm fire[br]going in the fireplace. 0:00:14.448,0:00:17.061 My younger sister and I[br]were sitting next to our dog 0:00:17.061,0:00:20.013 and coloring with a brand new[br]box of colored pencils 0:00:20.013,0:00:21.843 when Mom said it was time for bed. 0:00:22.109,0:00:25.096 We planned to go up north that night[br]for a weekend of snowmobiling 0:00:25.096,0:00:26.226 and sledding, 0:00:26.226,0:00:28.344 but it was already dark[br]and snowing outside, 0:00:28.344,0:00:30.931 so we decided to leave[br]the next morning instead. 0:00:31.544,0:00:32.661 We went upstairs, 0:00:32.661,0:00:33.511 brushed our teeth, 0:00:33.511,0:00:34.496 climbed into bed. 0:00:34.754,0:00:36.761 My sister's room right next to the stairs 0:00:36.761,0:00:38.497 and mine at the far end of the hallway. 0:00:39.196,0:00:41.644 Our parents tucked us in[br]and kissed us goodnight, 0:00:41.644,0:00:43.716 then left the door open just a crack 0:00:43.716,0:00:46.295 and the hallway light on as it always was. 0:00:47.147,0:00:50.385 In the middle of the night[br]I woke up sweating, 0:00:50.385,0:00:52.938 confused because I couldn't[br]see that hallway light. 0:00:53.245,0:00:55.000 I started shouting for my parents 0:00:55.000,0:00:58.197 until finally I heard words[br]that I'll never forget: 0:00:58.197,0:00:59.931 "Dave, it's a fire." 0:01:00.629,0:01:03.198 We later found out[br]that our fire from earlier 0:01:03.198,0:01:06.346 had burned through an unrepaired[br]crack in the chimney 0:01:06.346,0:01:08.248 causing the fireplace doors to explode 0:01:08.248,0:01:10.616 and fire to just pour[br]into the living room. 0:01:11.166,0:01:14.501 I remember my mom running down[br]to my sister's room 0:01:14.501,0:01:16.249 frantically searching for her 0:01:16.249,0:01:18.331 and finally finding her on the floor. 0:01:18.749,0:01:21.032 The crawled after her[br]on my hands and knees, 0:01:21.032,0:01:22.998 trying not to breathe in the smoke. 0:01:23.831,0:01:26.332 I remember standing[br]next to my sister's room, 0:01:26.332,0:01:28.900 trying to turn on that hallway light, 0:01:28.900,0:01:30.648 but it was already on, 0:01:30.648,0:01:33.484 I just couldn't see it because[br]the smoke was so thick. 0:01:35.118,0:01:38.233 I remember feeling the heat[br]of the fire on my skin 0:01:38.233,0:01:41.179 and hearing the sound of it[br]as it climbed up the stairs. 0:01:44.033,0:01:47.083 My dad ran down to my bedroom window[br]as an escape route, 0:01:47.083,0:01:49.836 but it was February[br]and it was frozen shut. 0:01:50.532,0:01:53.735 Eventually, he broke the window[br]and pried it open, 0:01:53.735,0:01:56.700 his arms and hands covered[br]in glass and cuts. 0:01:58.085,0:02:00.967 He lifted my sister and me[br]onto an awning under the window 0:02:00.967,0:02:02.735 and told us to shout for help. 0:02:03.301,0:02:04.984 Not seeing my mom, 0:02:04.984,0:02:07.766 he considered go back[br]into the fire to find her, 0:02:07.766,0:02:11.323 but after looking at my sister and me[br]huddled together on that roof, 0:02:11.323,0:02:14.434 and knowing that neither of them[br]may make it out, 0:02:14.434,0:02:16.333 he stayed with us, 0:02:16.333,0:02:18.721 calling her name[br]through the window instead. 0:02:20.303,0:02:21.469 After a few minutes, 0:02:21.469,0:02:25.072 a man driving down the street[br]saw the smoke and fire, 0:02:25.072,0:02:26.338 drove onto our lawn, 0:02:26.338,0:02:27.920 climbed onto the roof of his car 0:02:27.920,0:02:29.869 and told us to jump into his arms. 0:02:30.559,0:02:31.885 We'd never seen him before, 0:02:31.885,0:02:33.170 and even though he saved our lives, 0:02:33.170,0:02:34.672 we never saw him again. 0:02:35.570,0:02:37.302 We were brought over to a neighbor's house 0:02:37.302,0:02:40.603 while Dad continued to wait[br]on the roof for my mom, 0:02:40.603,0:02:43.153 reaching his arms and hands[br]through the window 0:02:43.153,0:02:44.622 and into the fire, 0:02:44.622,0:02:47.240 calling her name over and over. 0:02:48.956,0:02:51.541 He said later that when the fire[br]department arrived, 0:02:51.541,0:02:54.807 they carried him down the ladder[br]just as a lower-level window shattered 0:02:54.807,0:02:56.286 and burst into flames. 0:02:56.904,0:02:59.505 It took the fire department[br]longer to find my mom. 0:02:59.853,0:03:03.430 She'd been on the floor[br]of my bedroom the entire time, 0:03:03.430,0:03:06.154 pinned down by a dresser[br]that had fallen on her leg. 0:03:07.037,0:03:09.438 We think she went back[br]to look for our dog, 0:03:09.438,0:03:12.558 but by the time the fire department[br]reached them it was too late. 0:03:13.289,0:03:15.223 She died on the way to the hospital. 0:03:17.642,0:03:19.574 Dad was in critical condition 0:03:19.574,0:03:23.158 with smoke inhalation and burns[br]and cuts over a third of his body. 0:03:23.793,0:03:25.623 He spent nearly a month in the hospital, 0:03:25.623,0:03:27.472 unable to attend Mom's funeral 0:03:27.472,0:03:31.523 and undergoing multiple,[br]excruciating skin graft surgeries. 0:03:32.523,0:03:35.508 My sister and I stayed[br]with a neighbor across the street, 0:03:35.508,0:03:38.775 but we would sit in front[br]of their living room window for hours 0:03:38.775,0:03:41.374 just staring at the remains[br]of our burnt home. 0:03:42.440,0:03:45.141 After a few days it became evident[br]that we would need to go 0:03:45.141,0:03:47.523 and stay with some[br]different family friends. 0:03:48.858,0:03:50.842 The next few years were tough. 0:03:51.574,0:03:53.691 As a single father of two young girls, 0:03:53.691,0:03:55.627 Dad did his very best to provide for us 0:03:55.627,0:03:58.376 as we all tried to grieve and recover. 0:03:59.926,0:04:02.591 We began to move on in this new reality. 0:04:02.976,0:04:06.375 Dad bought a new house[br]down the street without a fireplace, 0:04:06.375,0:04:07.641 and eventually remarried. 0:04:08.291,0:04:10.312 My sister and I excelled in school. 0:04:10.476,0:04:11.409 I was a cheerleader 0:04:11.409,0:04:13.793 and she rode horses and played in band. 0:04:14.378,0:04:17.845 But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching[br]nightmares that haunted me. 0:04:19.512,0:04:20.961 I would dream of fire, 0:04:20.961,0:04:23.511 of being trapped in fire with no escape. 0:04:23.896,0:04:27.176 I remember and even now[br]I can feel the sheer panic 0:04:27.176,0:04:28.893 and the pressure in my chest. 0:04:29.130,0:04:33.980 Or worse were the dreams where[br]I was outside the fire watching it, 0:04:33.980,0:04:35.913 trying to save the people inside. 0:04:37.528,0:04:40.529 I'd wake up gasping for breath, 0:04:40.529,0:04:42.146 tears running down my face 0:04:42.146,0:04:43.212 and sobbing. 0:04:46.880,0:04:48.829 When I was 15, 0:04:48.829,0:04:49.712 a friend of mine 0:04:49.712,0:04:50.846 and a very talented aritst 0:04:50.846,0:04:53.163 painted two abstract portraits for me. 0:04:53.512,0:04:54.812 One was done in black and white 0:04:54.812,0:04:58.363 and depicted a scared girl[br]cowering in the corner of a room, 0:04:58.363,0:04:59.879 shadows surrounding her. 0:05:00.346,0:05:02.746 The other was a bursting rainbow of color; 0:05:02.746,0:05:04.713 the girl was in the center of the page, 0:05:04.713,0:05:06.596 arms open and outstretched, 0:05:06.596,0:05:08.997 clearly full of joy and happiness. 0:05:09.797,0:05:11.549 He knew my past 0:05:11.549,0:05:14.663 and he knew that I was[br]conflicted and confused, 0:05:14.663,0:05:16.499 but he'd also seen my potential 0:05:16.499,0:05:18.850 and wanted to show me what he already saw. 0:05:19.513,0:05:20.364 After a few years, 0:05:20.364,0:05:22.398 I realized that these two portraits 0:05:22.398,0:05:25.250 showed two completely different[br]paths before me. 0:05:25.500,0:05:26.732 A life of fear, 0:05:26.732,0:05:29.117 or the promise and potential for recovery. 0:05:30.233,0:05:33.200 I had always been drawn to that brighter,[br]more colorful painting, 0:05:33.200,0:05:35.601 but I wasn't quite sure[br]what it meant for me 0:05:35.601,0:05:39.871 or how to transform my current mentality[br]into that kind of joy and happiness. 0:05:39.871,0:05:41.749 So outwardly, 0:05:41.749,0:05:43.001 I moved on with life -- 0:05:43.001,0:05:43.935 graduated high school, 0:05:43.935,0:05:45.349 went to college -- 0:05:45.349,0:05:47.101 while inwardly, 0:05:47.101,0:05:50.050 I continued to bounce between[br]the highest of highs 0:05:50.050,0:05:51.900 and the lowest of lows, 0:05:51.900,0:05:54.534 like a ping-pong ball between[br]those two portraits. 0:05:56.233,0:05:59.816 In 2004, I went backpacking[br]through Central America with a friend. 0:06:00.338,0:06:02.333 We spent our first weekend[br]on the island of Roatán, 0:06:02.333,0:06:03.568 off the coast of Honduras. 0:06:04.068,0:06:05.154 After a few days there, 0:06:05.154,0:06:06.301 my friend and I realized 0:06:06.301,0:06:09.418 that one of our new local friends[br]was a fire dancer. 0:06:10.303,0:06:12.905 Neither of us had ever seen[br]fire dancing before, 0:06:12.905,0:06:15.085 so one night we decided to go see a show. 0:06:17.179,0:06:20.451 We watched, mesmerized, 0:06:20.451,0:06:24.086 as he and two friends lit[br]these props on fire, 0:06:24.086,0:06:25.401 drew them in the air 0:06:25.401,0:06:27.302 and spun them around their bodies. 0:06:29.854,0:06:32.738 Their moves were deliberate and controlled 0:06:32.738,0:06:35.837 yet still graceful[br]and flowing to the music. 0:06:39.005,0:06:40.972 I was completely entranced. 0:06:41.771,0:06:44.453 The next day he offered to teach[br]us how to fire dance, 0:06:44.453,0:06:45.220 or spin -- 0:06:45.220,0:06:46.886 without fire, of course. 0:06:47.088,0:06:49.521 He showed us the difference[br]between a fire stafff 0:06:49.521,0:06:53.019 which is a long piece of wood or aluminum[br]with two Kevlar wicks 0:06:53.019,0:06:56.737 and fire poi which are Kevlar wicks[br]with chains and finger loops. 0:06:58.305,0:07:00.803 After that first time spinning poi, 0:07:00.803,0:07:04.505 I knew that this was a hobby[br]that I wanted to continue learning 0:07:04.505,0:07:07.422 in hopes that maybe one day, 0:07:07.422,0:07:10.697 I might be brave enough[br]to try it with fire. 0:07:11.989,0:07:14.489 Now, I can guess what[br]people might be thinking. 0:07:14.489,0:07:17.622 How was I not terrified[br]and running in the opposite direction? 0:07:18.307,0:07:20.205 And honestly, I don't know. 0:07:21.056,0:07:24.509 I think that perhaps being a cheerleader[br]and doing gymnastics and piano 0:07:24.509,0:07:26.006 while growing up, 0:07:26.006,0:07:29.182 these activities were[br]very structured and prescribed, 0:07:29.182,0:07:32.931 whereas this type of flow art[br]seemed like a form of meditation 0:07:32.931,0:07:34.373 but with a focus on fire, 0:07:34.373,0:07:37.974 this thing that scared me[br]so deeply for my entire life. 0:07:38.808,0:07:40.590 After that first time practicing, 0:07:40.590,0:07:43.508 my friend and I cobbled together[br]our own sets of homemade poi 0:07:43.508,0:07:45.694 using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. 0:07:46.173,0:07:48.574 We did not light shoelaces[br]and socks on fire, 0:07:48.574,0:07:50.124 we just used it for the practice part. 0:07:50.658,0:07:52.424 But after returning home to Michigan, 0:07:52.424,0:07:55.426 we decided to buy[br]our own sets of actual poi. 0:07:56.209,0:07:57.592 And after a few months, 0:07:57.592,0:08:00.127 we decided that we were ready[br]to light them on fire. 0:08:01.110,0:08:03.610 We bundled up in cotton layers, 0:08:03.610,0:08:05.161 got a fire extinguisher, 0:08:05.161,0:08:06.526 wet a towel for safety, 0:08:06.526,0:08:08.025 prepared our fuel, 0:08:08.025,0:08:11.893 gave each other a very energetic[br]pep talk and high five, 0:08:11.893,0:08:13.909 and lit those poi on fire. 0:08:15.684,0:08:18.111 It was terrifying. 0:08:19.379,0:08:21.496 Half of my brain was freaking out 0:08:21.496,0:08:23.129 and thinking OK, wait, 0:08:23.129,0:08:24.529 maybe we need to think about this. 0:08:24.529,0:08:25.961 We should probably stop. 0:08:26.512,0:08:29.012 The sound of the fire[br]as it whooshed by my head 0:08:29.012,0:08:30.129 was incredibly loud 0:08:30.129,0:08:32.210 and brought me right back to my childhood. 0:08:33.189,0:08:35.294 But it was also incredibly exhilarating. 0:08:37.846,0:08:39.530 The other half of my brain, 0:08:39.530,0:08:40.598 the creative half, 0:08:40.598,0:08:43.061 was thinking I can't believe it, 0:08:43.061,0:08:44.397 I'm a fire dancer. 0:08:45.847,0:08:47.031 For anyone who spins, 0:08:47.031,0:08:48.762 there's a level of adrenaline, 0:08:48.762,0:08:51.112 or that rush of fire dancing, 0:08:51.112,0:08:54.496 but as someone whose life[br]had been so greatly impacted by fire, 0:08:54.496,0:08:58.048 I also felt an immense sense[br]of empowerment 0:08:58.048,0:09:01.113 at being able to control[br]and manipulate fire. 0:09:02.715,0:09:05.530 I made a conscious decision[br]to step out of my grief. 0:09:06.533,0:09:07.717 It was not easy. 0:09:08.146,0:09:11.215 There's a Nirvana lyric that says[br]"I miss the comfort of being sad," 0:09:11.215,0:09:12.664 and that was exactly it. 0:09:13.047,0:09:14.867 I was in control of my sadness. 0:09:15.150,0:09:16.714 I knew what it would bring to me 0:09:16.714,0:09:18.347 and I knew what to expect, 0:09:18.347,0:09:19.551 but I also knew deep down 0:09:19.551,0:09:22.432 that eventually I had to do[br]that really hard work 0:09:22.432,0:09:24.314 of trying to heal from my past. 0:09:25.483,0:09:27.381 So I kept practicing. 0:09:27.866,0:09:29.380 I took a plastic grocery bag, 0:09:29.380,0:09:30.732 but it into strips, 0:09:30.732,0:09:32.565 tied it to the ends of those poi 0:09:32.565,0:09:35.134 and used it to replicate[br]the sound of the fire 0:09:35.134,0:09:36.732 as it went past my head. 0:09:37.131,0:09:39.231 And I kept lighting the poi on fire. 0:09:39.936,0:09:42.233 At some point, something shifted. 0:09:42.417,0:09:44.851 My perspective on fire dancing changed 0:09:44.851,0:09:47.235 from something that I was[br]apprehensive about 0:09:47.235,0:09:50.633 to something that brought[br]me a sort of peace. 0:09:52.084,0:09:53.384 Without realizing it, 0:09:53.384,0:09:56.001 I had initiated my own form[br]of exposure therapy. 0:09:56.366,0:09:57.836 An actual type of psychotherapy 0:09:57.836,0:10:02.201 where you deliberately expose yourself[br]to things that have caused you trauma 0:10:02.201,0:10:03.451 or scared you. 0:10:03.919,0:10:06.953 I'd exposed myself to fire[br]in this very unique way 0:10:06.953,0:10:09.802 and had transformed what it meant to me. 0:10:11.053,0:10:12.453 My nightmares slowed down 0:10:12.453,0:10:15.136 and now years later have stopped[br]almost completely. 0:10:16.323,0:10:20.135 I started fire dancing not just for myself[br]but at events and performances. 0:10:20.603,0:10:24.185 I started a fire troop with friends[br]while living in Dubai, 0:10:24.185,0:10:27.785 created beautiful art with my sister[br]who became a photographer, 0:10:27.785,0:10:30.452 taught children how to spin[br]at birthday parties, 0:10:30.452,0:10:32.704 performed onstage and at festivals 0:10:32.704,0:10:35.438 and even taught my own children[br]the basics of spinning. 0:10:37.336,0:10:38.430 And that's not to say 0:10:38.430,0:10:41.019 that I don't still have[br]an apprehension to fire in general. 0:10:41.571,0:10:43.936 I can practice a million times, 0:10:43.936,0:10:45.437 but then when I try it with fire, 0:10:45.437,0:10:48.654 I feel that familiar panic[br]and tightening in my chest. 0:10:49.906,0:10:53.072 I'm still apprehensive about living[br]in a two-story house 0:10:53.072,0:10:54.705 or having a fireplace. 0:10:55.957,0:10:58.121 Every night before I go to sleep, 0:10:58.121,0:11:00.988 I clear a path between[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:00.988,0:11:02.038 our bedroom door 0:11:02.038,0:11:03.140 and all the exit doors 0:11:03.140,0:11:05.038 in case we need to leave quickly. 0:11:05.224,0:11:07.105 And it's taken me a long time[br]to get onboard 0:11:07.105,0:11:10.056 with the idea of closing[br]bedroom doors at night 0:11:10.056,0:11:11.508 to slow down a fire, 0:11:11.508,0:11:15.239 because I'd always thought if I closed[br]my kids' bedroom doors, 0:11:15.239,0:11:18.158 I might not be able to hear them[br]like my mom heard me. 0:11:19.372,0:11:21.740 And of course this is my story; 0:11:21.740,0:11:23.689 I can't say that I have the answer 0:11:23.689,0:11:26.057 for someone with a different[br]kind of trauma. 0:11:26.305,0:11:28.181 If the situation had been reversed 0:11:28.181,0:11:30.076 and I'd lost a child in a fire, 0:11:30.076,0:11:32.823 I'm not sure that fire dancing[br]would be the answer, 0:11:32.823,0:11:35.791 or if I'd even have the capacity[br]to get near fire again. 0:11:36.394,0:11:38.926 But what I can say from my own experience 0:11:38.926,0:11:42.457 is that after experiencing[br]a trauma or hardship, 0:11:42.457,0:11:44.824 we have a choice between two paths: 0:11:44.824,0:11:49.360 one path will lead you to a life[br]of fear and cowering in the darkness 0:11:49.360,0:11:51.794 like that black and white painting[br]I described earlier. 0:11:52.176,0:11:53.508 You might move on with life, 0:11:53.508,0:11:57.308 but at the same time you're still clinging[br]to that sadness that brings you comfort. 0:11:58.183,0:11:59.124 The other path -- 0:11:59.124,0:12:00.659 stepping out of grief -- 0:12:00.659,0:12:02.875 will not change or undo anything. 0:12:04.128,0:12:05.378 It will be hard. 0:12:05.678,0:12:07.495 It will always be hard, 0:12:07.495,0:12:12.686 with high mountains[br]and deep, dark valleys, 0:12:12.686,0:12:16.179 but this path looks forward[br]and moves forward. 0:12:16.858,0:12:18.832 When I learned to dance with fire, 0:12:18.832,0:12:22.360 I learned to reconcile[br]the traumatic part of my life 0:12:22.360,0:12:25.375 with the totality of my life[br]as it was still unfolding. 0:12:26.994,0:12:29.193 Fire became more than just trauma 0:12:29.193,0:12:31.561 but beauty and art as well. 0:12:31.728,0:12:32.860 Everything, all at once, 0:12:32.860,0:12:34.329 just like life, 0:12:34.329,0:12:36.515 flickering and smoldering 0:12:36.515,0:12:38.512 and burning and dazzling. 0:12:40.361,0:12:43.495 And somehow in the middle of it, 0:12:43.495,0:12:45.211 finding a way to dance ... 0:12:45.211,0:12:46.330 me. 0:12:46.595,0:12:48.329 Thank you.