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So our story started several years ago,

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when my wife and I
got a complaint letter in the mail

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from an anonymous neighbor.

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(Laughter)

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I'll never forget the way
my wife transformed before my eyes

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from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman

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into just an angry mother grizzly bear
whose cubs needed to be protected.

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It was intense.

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So here's what happened.

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This is our family.

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This is my wife and I
and our five awesome kids.

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We're pretty loud,
we're pretty rambunctious,

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we're us.

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You'll notice, though,
that two of our children

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look a little different than Mary and I,

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and that's because they came to us
through adoption.

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Our neighbor, though,
saw two different-looking children

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playing outside of our house every day

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and came to the conclusion

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that we must have been running
an illegal day care out of our home.

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(Murmuring)

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We were really angry to have
our children stereotyped like that,

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but I know that's a relatively
minor example of racial profiling.

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But isn't it sometimes
what we all tend to do

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with people who think differently,

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or believe differently
or maybe even vote differently?

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Instead of engaging as true neighbors,

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we keep our distance

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and our actions towards those

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are guided by who we think
sees the world as we do

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or who we think doesn't.

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See, what my neighbor suffered from
is a condition called agonism.

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And sometimes we all suffer
from the same condition.

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It's not a medical condition,
but it is contagious.

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So let's talk a little bit
about what agonism is.

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My favorite definition of agonism

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is taking a warlike stance
in contexts that are not literally war.

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Agonism comes from the same
Greek root word "agon"

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from which we get "agony."

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How very appropriate.

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We all tend to show symptoms of agonism

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when we hold on
to two deeply held beliefs,

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first identified by author Rick Warren.

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The first one is that if love someone,

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we must agree with all they do or believe.

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And the second is the inverse,

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that if we disagree with someone,

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it must mean that we fear or we hate them.

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Not sure we really recognize the agony
this way of thinking brings to us,

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when our relationships die

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because we think
we have to agree or disagree

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no matter what.

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Think about the conversations
we've had around Brexit,

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or Hong Kong,

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maybe Israeli settlements
or perhaps impeachment.

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I bet we could all think
of at least one personal relationship

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that's been strained or maybe even ended
because of these topics,

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or tragically,

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over a topic much more trivial than those.

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The cure for agonism is not out of reach.

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The question is how.

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So might I suggest two strategies

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that my experience
has taught me to start with.

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First, cultivate common ground,

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which means focusing on what we share.

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I want you to know I'm using my words
very, very deliberately.

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By "cultivate," I mean
we have to intentionally work

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to find common ground with someone.

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Just like a farmer works
to cultivate the soil.

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And common ground is a common term,

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so let me at least explain
what I don't mean,

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which is I don't mean by common ground
that we were exact,

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or that we totally agree and approve.

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All I mean is that we find
one unifying thing

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that we can have in a relationship
in common with another person.

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You know, sometimes
that one thing is hard to find.

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So I'd like to share a personal story,

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but before I do,

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let me tell you a little bit
more about myself.

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I'm Caucasian,

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cisgender male,

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middle class, evangelical Christian.

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And I know, as soon as some
of those words came out of my mouth,

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some of you had some perceptions about me.

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And it's OK,

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I know that not all
those perceptions are positive.

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But for those who share my faith,

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know that I'm about
to cut across the grain.

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And you may tune me out as well.

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So as we go,

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if you're having a hard time hearing me,

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I just gently ask that you reflect

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and see if you're buying into agonism.

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If you're rejecting me

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simply because you think
you see the world differently than I do,

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because isn't that
what we're here talking about?

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Alright, ready?

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So I've been thinking a lot
about how to find common ground

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in the area of gender fluidity,

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as an evangelical Christian.

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For Christians like me,

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we believe that God
created us man and woman.

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So what do I do?

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Do I throw up my hands and say,

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"I can't have a relationship
with anybody who is transgender

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or LGBTQIA?"

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No.

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That would be giving into agonism.

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So I started looking
at the foundational aspects of my faith,

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the first of which

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is that of the three billion genes
that make us human --

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and by the way, we share
99.9 percent of those genes --

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that I believe those three billion genes
are the result of an intelligent designer.

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And that immediately gives me
common ground with anybody.

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What it also gives me ...

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is the belief that each
and every one of us

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have been given the right to life

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by that same intelligent designer.

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I dug deeper though.

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I found that my faith didn't teach me

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to start relationships
by arguing with somebody

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until they believed what I believed,

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or I convinced them.

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No, it taught me to start relationships

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by loving them as a coequal member
of the human race.

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Honestly though,

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some who share my faith draw a line

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and refuse to address somebody
by their preferred gender pronoun.

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But isn't that believing the lie
that in order for me to honor you,

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I have to give up what I believe?

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Come back in time with me --

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let's say it's 20 years ago,

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and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep.

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And you open the door.

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Would you address him as Muhammad Ali

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or his former name of Cassius Clay?

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I'm guessing that most of you
would say Muhammad Ali.

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And I'm also guessing that most of you

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wouldn't think we'd have to
immediately convert to Islam,

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just by using his name.

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To honor him would cost me,
would cost any of us

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absolutely nothing,

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and it would give us the common ground
to have a relationship.

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And it's the relationship
that cures agonism,

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not giving up what we believe.

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So for me to honor my faith,

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it means rejecting
these rigid symptoms of agonism.

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Meaning, I can and I will love you.

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I can and I will accept you,

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and I don't have to buy into the lie

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that if I do these things,
I have to give up what I believe

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or chose to fear and hate you.

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Because I'm focusing
on what we have in common.

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When you can find even the smallest bit
of common ground with somebody,

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it allows you to understand
just the beautiful wonder

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and complexity

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and majesty of the other person.

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Our second strategy

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gives us room to (Inhales)

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breathe.

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To pause.

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To calm down.

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To have the kind of relationships
that cure agonism.

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And how to keep those relationships alive.

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Our second strategy is to exchange
extravagant grace.

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(Laughs)

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Once again, I'm not mincing words --

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by grace, I don't mean
we should all go sign up for ballet,

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that would be weird.

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(Laughter)

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What I mean is not canceling
everything over one mistake.

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Even if that mistake
personally offended you.

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Maybe even deeply.

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Perhaps Holocaust survivor
Corrie ten Boom put it best

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when she said,

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"To forgive is to set a prisoner free,

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only to realize that prisoner was me."

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My faith teaches me that we humans
will never be perfect,

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myself very much included.

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So we need the grace of a savior,

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who for me is Jesus.

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And while I define grace
in the context of my faith,

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I know there's a lot of other people
who have defined it differently

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and in different ways.

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One of my favorites is radio broadcaster
Oswald Hoffmann, who said,

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"Grace is the love that loves the unlovely

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and the unlovable."

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And I just love that picture of grace.

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Because I know I am,

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and maybe a lot of you can think of a time

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when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.

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So it would be the height of hypocrisy,

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dare I say repulsive to my faith,

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for me to accept

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the unconditional, unqualified
grace and love from God

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and then turn around

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and put one precondition
on the love I give you.

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What in the world would I be thinking?

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And by extravagant, I mean over the top,

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not just checking a box.

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We can all remember when we were kids

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and our parents forced us
to apologize to somebody

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and we walked up to them
and said, (Angrily) "I'm sorry."

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We just got it over with, right?

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That's not what we're talking about.

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What we're talking about
is not having to give someone grace

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but choosing to and wanting to.

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That's how we exchange extravagant grace.

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Listen, I know this can sound
really, really theoretical.

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So I'd like to tell you
about a hero of mine.

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A hero of grace.

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It's 2014.

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In Iran.

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And the mother of a murdered son
is in a public square.

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The man who murdered her son
is also in that square,

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by a gallows,

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on a chair of some kind,

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a noose around his neck

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and a blindfold over his eyes.

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Samereh Alinejad

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had been given the sole right
under the laws of her country

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to either pardon this man

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or initiate his execution.

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Put another way, she could pardon him

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or literally push that chair
out from underneath his feet.

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(Exhales)

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I just ...

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I can't picture the agony
going through both Samereh and this man

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at the time.

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Samereh with her choice to make,

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and this man, in the account
that I read, was just weeping,

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just begging for forgiveness.

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And Samereh had a choice.

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And she chose in that moment
to walk up to this man

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and to slap him right across the face.

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And that signaled her pardon.

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It gets better.

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Right afterwards, somebody asked her,

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they interviewed her,
and she was quoted as saying,

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"I felt as if rage vanished
from within my heart

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and the blood in my veins
began to flow again."

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Isn't that incredible?

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I mean, what a picture of grace,
what a hero of grace.

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And there's a lesson in there
for all of us.

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That as theologian John Piper said,

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"Grace is power, not just pardon."

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And if you think about it,

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grace is the gift we give
someone else in a relationship

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that says our relationship
is way more important

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than the things that separate us.

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And if you really think
about it some more,

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we all have the power to execute
in our relationships,

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or to pardon.

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We never did find out
the identity of our anonymous neighbor.

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(Laughter)

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But if we did, I'd hope we'd simply say,

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00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:05,051
"Can we have coffee?"

258
00:13:06,222 --> 00:13:08,806
And maybe there's somebody
you need to have coffee with

259
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:11,297
and find your common ground with them.

260
00:13:11,909 --> 00:13:14,829
Or maybe there's somebody
you're in a relationship with

261
00:13:14,853 --> 00:13:17,787
and you need to exchange
extravagant grace.

262
00:13:18,569 --> 00:13:19,719
Maybe go first.

263
00:13:21,323 --> 00:13:23,314
These two strategies have taught me

264
00:13:23,338 --> 00:13:26,574
how to exchange extravagant grace
in my relationships

265
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:30,859
and to enjoy the beautiful design
of my neighbors.

266
00:13:32,169 --> 00:13:36,526
I want to continue to choose
relationships over agonism.

267
00:13:37,476 --> 00:13:39,276
Will you choose to join me?

268
00:13:40,174 --> 00:13:41,333
Thank you.

269
00:13:41,357 --> 00:13:46,864
(Applause)