To Or Not Let Go: Megan Washington at TEDxSydney

Megan Washington is one of Australia's premier singer/songwriters and in this surprising talk Megan reveals her secret problem. Since childhood, Megan has been afflicted with a stutter which has hampered her ability to communicate. Except when she sings.

I didn't know when I agreed to do this

whether I was expected to talk or to sing.

But when I was told
that the topic was language,

I felt that I had to speak
about something for a moment.

I have a problem.

It's not the worst thing in the world.

I'm fine.

I'm not on fire.

I know that other people in the world

have far worse things to deal with,

but for me, language and music

are inextricably linked
through this one thing.

And the thing is that I have a stutter.

It might seem curious given that I spend

a lot of my life on the stage.

One would assume that I'm comfortable

in the public sphere and comfortable here,

speaking to you guys.

But the truth is that I've spent
my life up until this point

and including this point,
living in mortal dread

of public speaking.

Public singing, whole different thing.
(Laughter)

But we'll get to that in a moment.

I've never really talked about it
before so explicitly.

I think that that's because
I've always lived in hope

that when I was a grown-up,

I wouldn't have one.

I sort of lived with this idea
that when I'm grown,

I'll have learned to speak French,

and when I'm grown,
I'll learn how to manage my money,

and when I'm grown,
I won't have a stutter,

and then I'll be able to public speak
and maybe be the prime minister

and anything's possible and, you know.

(Laughter)

So I can talk about it now

because I've reached this point, where —

I mean, I'm 28.

I'm pretty sure that I'm grown now.

(Laughter)

And I'm an adult woman

who spends her life as a performer,

with a speech impediment.

So, I might as well come clean about it.

There are some interesting angles
to having a stutter.

For me, the worst thing that can happen

is meeting another stutterer.

(Laughter)

This happened to me in Hamburg,

when this guy, we met and he said,

"Hello, m-m-m-my name is Joe,"

and I said,
"Oh, hello, m-m-m-my name is Meg."

Imagine my horror when I realized

he thought I was making fun of him.

(Laughter)

People think I'm drunk all the time.

(Laughter)

People think
that I've forgotten their name

when I hesitate before saying it.

And it is a very weird thing,

because proper nouns are the worst.

If I'm going to use the word "Wednesday"
in a sentence,

and I'm coming up to the word,

and I can feel
that I'm going to stutter or something,

I can change the word to "tomorrow,"

or "the day after Tuesday,"

or something else.

It's clunky, but you can get away with it,

because over time I've developed this

loophole method of using speech

where right at the last minute you

change the thing and you trick your brain.

But with people's names,
you can't change them.

(Laughter)

When I was singing a lot of jazz,

I worked a lot with a pianist
whose name was Steve.

As you can probably gather,

S's and T's, together or independently,

are my kryptonite.

But I would have to introduce the band

over this rolling vamp,

and when I got around to Steve,

I'd often find myself stuck on the "St."

And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable
and it totally kills the vibe.

So after a few instances of this,

Steve happily became "Seve,"

and we got through it that way.
(Laughter)

I've had a lot of therapy,

and a common form of treatment is to use

this technique that's called
smooth speech,

which is where you almost sing
everything that you say.

You kind of join everything together

in this very singsong,
kindergarten teacher way,

and it makes you sound very serene,
like you've had lots of Valium,

and everything is calm.
(Laughter)

That's not actually me.

And I do use that. I do.

I use it when I have to be on panel shows,

or when I have to do radio interviews,

when the economy of airtime is paramount.

(Laughter)

I get through it that way for my job.

But as an artist who feels that their work

is based solely on a platform of honesty

and being real,

that feels often like cheating.

Which is why before I sing,
I wanted to tell you

what singing means to me.

It's more than making nice sounds,

and it's more than making nice songs.

It's more than feeling known,
or understood.

It's more than making you feel
the things that I feel.

It's not about mythology,

or mythologizing myself to you.

Somehow, through some miraculous

synaptic function of the human brain,

it's impossible to stutter when you sing.

And when I was younger,
that was a method of treatment

that worked very well for me,

singing, so I did it a lot.

And that's why I'm here today.

(Applause)

Thank you.

Singing for me is sweet relief.

It is the only time when I feel fluent.

It is the only time
when what comes out of my mouth

is comprehensively
exactly what I intended.

(Laughter)

So I know that this is a TED Talk,

but now i'm going to TED sing.

This is a song that I wrote last year.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

(Applause)

(Piano)

♪ I would be a beauty ♪

♪ but my nose ♪

♪ is slightly too big ♪

♪ for my face ♪

♪ And I would be a dreamer ♪

♪ but my dream ♪

♪ is slightly too big ♪

♪ for this space ♪

♪ And I would be an angel ♪

♪ but my halo ♪

♪ it pales in the glow ♪

♪ of your grace ♪

♪ And I would be a joker ♪

♪ but that card looks silly
when you play ♪

♪ your ace ♪

♪ I'd like to know ♪

♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ know if you can tell ♪

♪ that you make me lose
everything I know ♪

♪ That I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

♪ And I'd stay forever ♪

♪ but my home ♪

♪ is slightly too far ♪

♪ from this place ♪

♪ And I swear I tried to ♪

♪ slow it down ♪

♪ when I am walking at your pace ♪

♪ But all I could think ♪

♪ idling through the cities ♪

♪ do I look pretty in the rain? ♪

♪ And I don't know how someone ♪

♪ quite so lovely ♪

♪ makes me feel ugly ♪

♪ So much shame ♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ know if you can tell ♪

♪ that you make me lose
everything I know ♪

♪ that I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

Thank you very much.
(Applause)