Take "the Other" to lunch
-
0:01 - 0:04This room may appear
to be holding 600 people, -
0:04 - 0:06but there's actually so many more,
-
0:06 - 0:11because within each one of us,
there is a multitude of personalities. -
0:11 - 0:14I have two primary personalities
-
0:14 - 0:17that have been in conflict
and conversation within me -
0:17 - 0:18since I was a little girl.
-
0:18 - 0:22I call them "the mystic"
and "the warrior." -
0:22 - 0:28I was born into a family of politically
active intellectual atheists. -
0:28 - 0:31There was this equation in my family
that went something like this: -
0:31 - 0:34if you are intelligent,
-
0:34 - 0:36you therefore are not spiritual.
-
0:36 - 0:39I was the freak of the family.
-
0:39 - 0:41I was this weird little kid
-
0:41 - 0:45who wanted to have deep talks
about the worlds that might exist -
0:45 - 0:49beyond the ones we perceive
with our senses. -
0:49 - 0:50I wanted to know
-
0:50 - 0:55if what we human beings see
and hear and think -
0:55 - 0:59is a full and accurate picture of reality.
-
0:59 - 1:01So, looking for answers,
-
1:01 - 1:05I went to Catholic mass;
I tagged along with my neighbors. -
1:05 - 1:08I read Sartre and Socrates.
-
1:08 - 1:11And then a wonderful thing happened
when I was in high school: -
1:11 - 1:16gurus from the East started washing up
on the shores of America. -
1:16 - 1:17(Laughter)
-
1:17 - 1:20And I said to myself,
"I wanna get me one of them." -
1:20 - 1:21(Laughter)
-
1:21 - 1:25And ever since, I've been walking
the mystic path, -
1:25 - 1:30trying to peer beyond
what Albert Einstein called -
1:30 - 1:34the "optical delusion"
of everyday consciousness. -
1:34 - 1:36So what did he mean by this?
-
1:36 - 1:37I'll show you.
-
1:37 - 1:42Take a breath right now
of this clear air in this room. -
1:43 - 1:46Now, see this strange,
-
1:46 - 1:51underwater-coral-reef-looking thing?
-
1:51 - 1:55It's actually a person's trachea.
-
1:55 - 1:58And those colored globs are microbes
-
1:58 - 2:01that are actually swimming around
in this room right now, -
2:01 - 2:03all around us.
-
2:03 - 2:07If we're blind to this simple biology,
-
2:07 - 2:13imagine what we're missing
at the smallest subatomic level right now -
2:13 - 2:16and at the grandest cosmic levels.
-
2:16 - 2:22My years as a mystic have made me question
almost all my assumptions. -
2:22 - 2:25They've made me a proud
"I-don't-know-it-all." -
2:26 - 2:30Now, when the mystic part of me
jabbers on and on like this, -
2:30 - 2:33the warrior rolls her eyes.
-
2:33 - 2:40She's concerned about what's happening
in this world right now. -
2:40 - 2:42She's worried.
-
2:42 - 2:45She says, "Excuse me, I'm pissed off,
-
2:45 - 2:47and I know a few things,
-
2:47 - 2:50and we better get busy
about them right now." -
2:50 - 2:52I've spent my life as a warrior,
-
2:52 - 2:54working for women's issues,
-
2:54 - 2:56working on political campaigns,
-
2:56 - 2:59being an activist for the environment.
-
3:00 - 3:03And it can be sort of crazymaking,
-
3:03 - 3:07housing both the mystic
and the warrior in one body. -
3:07 - 3:11I've always been attracted
to those rare people -
3:11 - 3:12who pull that off,
-
3:12 - 3:15who devote their lives to humanity
-
3:16 - 3:21with the grit of the warrior
and the grace of the mystic -- -
3:21 - 3:24people like Martin Luther King, Jr.,
-
3:24 - 3:28who wrote, "I can never be
what I ought to be -
3:28 - 3:31until you are what you ought to be."
-
3:31 - 3:36"This," he wrote, "is the interrelated
structure of reality." -
3:36 - 3:41Then Mother Teresa,
another mystic warrior, who said, -
3:41 - 3:45"The problem with the world
is that we draw the circle of our family -
3:45 - 3:47too small."
-
3:47 - 3:53And Nelson Mandela, who lives
by the African concept of "ubuntu," -
3:53 - 3:57which means "I need you in order to be me,
-
3:57 - 4:01and you need me in order to be you."
-
4:01 - 4:06Now, we all love to trot out
these three mystic warriors -
4:06 - 4:08as if they were born with a "saint" gene.
-
4:08 - 4:13But we all actually have
the same capacity that they do. -
4:13 - 4:17And we need to do their work now.
-
4:18 - 4:19I'm deeply disturbed
-
4:19 - 4:26by the ways in which all of our cultures
are demonizing "the other," -
4:26 - 4:30by the voice we're giving
to the most divisive among us. -
4:30 - 4:34Listen to these titles
of some of the best-selling books -
4:34 - 4:36from both sides of the political divide
-
4:36 - 4:38here in the US:
-
4:38 - 4:41"Liberalism is a Mental Disorder,"
-
4:42 - 4:44"Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot,"
-
4:44 - 4:47"Pinheads and Patriots,"
-
4:47 - 4:49"Arguing with Idiots."
-
4:49 - 4:51They're supposedly tongue-in-cheek,
-
4:51 - 4:54but they're actually dangerous.
-
4:54 - 4:56Now here's a title
that may sound familiar, -
4:56 - 4:58but whose author may surprise you:
-
4:59 - 5:02"Four and a Half Years
of Struggle Against Lies, -
5:02 - 5:05Stupidity and Cowardice."
-
5:05 - 5:07Who wrote that?
-
5:07 - 5:12That was Adolf Hitler's first title
for "Mein Kampf" -- "My Struggle" -- -
5:12 - 5:15the book that launched the Nazi Party.
-
5:15 - 5:18The worst eras in human history,
-
5:18 - 5:21whether in Cambodia
or Germany or Rwanda -- -
5:21 - 5:25they start like this,
with negative otherizing. -
5:25 - 5:29And then they morph
into violent extremism. -
5:29 - 5:32This is why I'm launching
a new initiative. -
5:32 - 5:37And it's to help all of us,
myself included, -
5:37 - 5:41to counteract the tendency to otherize.
-
5:42 - 5:44And I realize we're all busy people,
-
5:44 - 5:47so don't worry, you can do this
on a lunch break. -
5:47 - 5:52I'm calling my initiative
"Take the Other to Lunch." -
5:52 - 5:56If you are a Republican,
-
5:57 - 5:59you can take a Democrat to lunch.
-
5:59 - 6:03Or if you're a Democrat,
-
6:03 - 6:06think of it as taking
a Republican to lunch. -
6:06 - 6:09Now, if the idea of taking
any of these people to lunch -
6:09 - 6:11makes you lose your appetite,
-
6:11 - 6:12(Laughter)
-
6:12 - 6:15I suggest you start more local,
-
6:15 - 6:21because there is no shortage of the other
right in your own neighborhood: -
6:21 - 6:25maybe that person
who worships at the mosque -
6:25 - 6:28or the church or the synagogue
down the street; -
6:28 - 6:34or someone from the other side
of the abortion conflict; -
6:34 - 6:37or maybe your brother-in-law
who doesn't believe in global warming -- -
6:37 - 6:38(Laughter)
-
6:38 - 6:43anyone whose lifestyle may frighten you
-
6:43 - 6:48or whose point of view
makes smoke come out of your ears. -
6:49 - 6:51A couple of weeks ago,
-
6:51 - 6:56I took a conservative
Tea Party woman to lunch. -
6:56 - 6:59Now, on paper, she passed
my "smoking ears" test: -
6:59 - 7:00(Laughter)
-
7:00 - 7:03she's an activist from the Right,
-
7:03 - 7:05and I'm an activist from the Left.
-
7:06 - 7:11We used some guidelines
to keep our conversation elevated. -
7:11 - 7:13And you can use them, too,
-
7:13 - 7:16because I know you're all going
to take an other to lunch. -
7:17 - 7:19So first of all, decide on a goal:
-
7:19 - 7:25to get to know one person from a group
you may have negatively stereotyped. -
7:26 - 7:28And then, before you get together,
-
7:28 - 7:31agree on some ground rules.
-
7:31 - 7:35My Tea Party lunch mate and I
came up with these: -
7:36 - 7:39"Don't persuade, defend or interrupt;
-
7:39 - 7:44be curious, be conversational, be real;
-
7:44 - 7:45and listen."
-
7:46 - 7:50From there, we dove in,
and we used these questions: -
7:50 - 7:53"Share some of your life
experiences with me -- -
7:53 - 7:57what issues deeply concern you?
-
7:57 - 8:01And what have you always wanted to ask
someone from the other side?" -
8:01 - 8:06My lunch partner and I came away
with some really important insights, -
8:06 - 8:08and I'm going to share just one with you.
-
8:08 - 8:14I think it has relevance to any problem
between people anywhere. -
8:15 - 8:21I asked her why her side makes
such outrageous allegations and lies -
8:21 - 8:23about my side.
-
8:23 - 8:25"What?" she wanted to know.
-
8:25 - 8:31"Like, we're a bunch of elitist,
morally corrupt terrorist-lovers." -
8:31 - 8:32Well, she was shocked.
-
8:32 - 8:38She thought my side beat up
on her side way more often -- -
8:38 - 8:42that we called them brainless,
gun-toting racists. -
8:43 - 8:45And we both marveled at the labels
-
8:45 - 8:49that fit none of the people
we actually know. -
8:50 - 8:53And since we had established some trust,
-
8:53 - 8:56we believed in each other's sincerity.
-
8:56 - 9:00We agreed we'd speak up
in our own communities -
9:00 - 9:03when we witnessed
the kind of "otherizing" talk -
9:03 - 9:08that can wound and fester into paranoia
-
9:08 - 9:10and then be used by those on the fringes
-
9:10 - 9:12to incite.
-
9:13 - 9:16By the end of our lunch,
we acknowledged each other's openness. -
9:16 - 9:20Neither of us had tried
to change the other, -
9:20 - 9:22but we also hadn't pretended
-
9:22 - 9:25that our differences
were just going to melt away -
9:25 - 9:27after a lunch.
-
9:31 - 9:35Instead, we had taken
first steps together, -
9:35 - 9:37past our knee-jerk reactions
-
9:37 - 9:39to the ubuntu place,
-
9:39 - 9:41which is the only place
-
9:41 - 9:47where solutions to our most
intractable-seeming problems -
9:47 - 9:48will be found.
-
9:49 - 9:51So who should you invite to lunch?
-
9:51 - 9:55Next time you catch yourself
in the act of otherizing, -
9:55 - 9:57that'll be your clue.
-
9:57 - 10:00And what might happen at your lunch?
-
10:00 - 10:01Will the heavens open
-
10:01 - 10:05and "We are the World" play
over the restaurant sound system? -
10:05 - 10:07Probably not.
-
10:07 - 10:11Because ubuntu work is slow,
and it's difficult. -
10:11 - 10:17It's two people dropping the pretense
of being know-it-alls. -
10:17 - 10:23It's two people, two warriors,
dropping their weapons -
10:23 - 10:25and reaching toward each other.
-
10:26 - 10:30Here's how the great
Persian poet Rumi put it: -
10:31 - 10:36"Out beyond ideas
of wrong-doing and right-doing, -
10:36 - 10:38there is a field.
-
10:38 - 10:40I'll meet you there."
-
10:41 - 10:48(Applause)
- Title:
- Take "the Other" to lunch
- Speaker:
- Elizabeth Lesser
- Description:
-
There's an angry, divisive tension in the air that threatens to make modern politics impossible. Elizabeth Lesser explores the two sides of human nature that create this tension (call them "the mystic" and "the warrior") and shares a simple, personal way to begin a real dialogue -- by going to lunch with someone who doesn't agree with you, and asking them three questions to find out what's really in their hearts.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:48
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Camille Martínez commented on English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
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TED edited English subtitles for Take "the Other" to lunch | |
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TED added a translation |
Camille Martínez
The English transcript was updated on 6/3/19.