Louis CK "Chewed Up" - Part 4 of 6

Louis CK stand up comedian

And you see a deer and everybody is like, "Turn off the car, don't scare it, it's just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it's just so mysterious and beautiful. God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer"

But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they're just rats with hooves

They don't matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They're assholes.

They're shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks.

And they don't care, they're like [farts][scoffs], they don't care.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn't feel anything.

I'd just go, "Oh look, he's dead, that's interesting. I guess that's what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth."

I'd go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second

I mean it, I mean it.

So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does "DUH," that whole thing.

And they he won't just go, he's like "Can I go? Can I- Can I go?" and I'm like, "Fucking GO!" "I don't know if I can, I don't-"

"Just GOOO!" And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics.

I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck.

And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died.

And I'm glad he's dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods,

"I'm glad you're dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you faggot, cunt, nigger deer."

So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going.

I gotta by drugs all the time 'cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth.

Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat.

I'm like, "Thank honey, I'm sick right now I can feel it already."

She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret.

And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths.

She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs].

Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me.

And by the way, she's 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear..

Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go "Holy shit are you serious? Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god."

She's 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters.

She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.

I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different.

Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they're beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don't have to fucking hear any of it.

And that's an important distinction. If you're a parent, you just start making it because you can't listen to them all the time when they're talking because they're talking all the time.

And they just talk whenever, they don't give a shit what you're doing, or if it's a good time.

I'm in a shootout with the cops and she's telling me all kinds of shit.

She doesn't care because she's 5. They're self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, "No go ahead and finish, I'll tell you after it's fine." They just can't.

And sometimes it's impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of 'em.

And we're in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I'm carrying... She can walk but she won't, she's a bullshitter. So I'm carrying her.

And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She's tiny but she's got the density of a dying sun, I don't understand how she's this heavy.

It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that's what she feels like.

And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her, just drop her, she doesn't matter just let her die."

So I'm fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it's her I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny.

Through many stranger's thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don't give a shit.

I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit.

And I'm yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, "I'm fucking coming, shut up!"

And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground.

What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really?

What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, "What's that sweetie? Go ahead, what's that?" "Excuse ME sir!" "Go ahead, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that's very true. It's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face."

What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that.

I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words.

I was doing the dishes and I just hear, "Daddy, I don't like chicken."

I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It's a big moment.

A week later, I'm making dinner and she goes, "Daddy I dont like chicken."

"Well we're fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don't like chicken, I don't like you, I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what I make for them."

"You don't like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much.

"You'll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it, seriously."

"I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw."

I got to feed her. She's gotta eat. When your kid won't eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it's an instinct.

and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!"

"*I don't like it.*" "It doesn't matter, put it in your face."

"They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!"

"You have a social security number, you're on the grid motherfucker, EAT!"

"If you're skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?"

And I love my kids and I'd die for them but my life fucking stinks.

It just does, it is what it is. When you're a parent, all the pleasures are gone.

Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit's just over. You can't sleep, you don't eat, you don't eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, that's your dinner now."

"with people yelling at you." You don't have any fun, your single friend is like, "Did you see that movie?" "NO I didn't see the fucking movie, okay?"