Not your climate movement

This episode of It's the End of the World as We Know it and I Feel Fine

was made possible by contributions from slaves like you. Spank you very much.

Here at Exxon, we hate the world.

We've crunched the numbers, and know the hotter the earth gets, the more money we make.

Wind and solar? Nice try, hippie.

Climate chaos? Not a problem... for us.

We're designing elevated mansions, deep-water boarding schools, and dome shopping malls... on the moon.

Wanna stop us? We'd like to see you try.

Gooooooooooood morning slaves

and welcome to another sedition of It's the End of the World as we Know it and I Feel Fine....

the show that’s powered by cops' tears.

At least 41 police officers have died, and several more have been injured.

The border police were travelling in a bus that plunged into a ravine in north-western Argentina.

Don't cry for me Argentina.

I am your host the Stimulator, and if you're like me

you've gotta be relieved that the motherfuckin' COP21 climate negotiations in Paris are finally fucking over.

"It's about fucking time!"
"What the fuck took so long?!"

Far from producing any meaningful action on curbing greenhouse gas emissions

the past two weeks of marathon luncheons between climate negotiators and industry lobbyists,

self-aggrandizing speeches from gangsta-capitalist politicians,

and hours of mainstream media interviews with corporate environmentalists

have only released shit-tons of more hot air into the atmosphere.

In the end, the outcome was always a foregone fucking conclusion.

Loads of hype and feel-good rhetoric

culminating in a non-binding agreement,

with billions of dollars earmarked for investment in so-called “Green Energy” technologies...

which is essentially just a giant fucking scam to subsidize green-washed corporate giants

from the energy and extractive industries.

"I think we can make off-shore drilling safe."

Climate science OG James Hansen was quick to pour some cold water

on peeps celebrating the significance of the so-called “historic agreement”.

"This is half-assed, and it's half baked.

"It's half-assed because there's no way to make it global.

"You have to beg each nation... and it's half-baked

because there's no enforcement mechanism."

But, as always, corporate NGOs like 350.org

are trying to put a positive spin on things,

to justify their strategic focus on mass climate mobilizations and lobbying,

and to help ensure that peeps keep those monthly tax-deductible donations rolling in.

"Uhhh... well, this didn't save the planet

"but it may have saved the chance of saving the planet."

350.org closed out COP21 by mobilizing their supporters

to form a giant line of peeps holding red banners,

meant to symbolize imaginary red lines that industry can't cross if climate change is to be averted.

This feel-good action was no doubt intended as a face-saving measure,

after organizers received widespread criticism for their condemnation of militants

who bravely took to the streets on November 29th,

in defiance of the French government's imposed state of emergency.

After 350.org and other corporate NGOs had bowed to government pressure,

and meekly canceled their own protests,

they had the chutzpah to criticize those who dared to resist…

declaring that they were, quote, “not part of the movement.”

Well… no shit.

Not yours, anyway.

Woop! Woop! It's the sound of the police...

Bonjour everyone!

We stopped the terrorists.

Meanwhile in Greece,

anarchists mourned the 7th anniversary of the pigs' murder of Alexis Grigoropoulos on December 6th

in what has become a globally anticipated tradition

of intense fucking rioting.

And true to form, the comrades in Greece didn't disappoint.

Check this shit out.

This year, these riots had a special significance

owing to an international call to action made last month

by two imprisoned Greek anarchists:

Conspiracy of Cells of Fire member, Panagiotis Argirou,

and Alexis' best friend and comrade, Nikos Romanos,

who challenged militants to a month of increased insurrectionary attacks

and solidarity actions with anarchist prisoners,

to be carried out under the banner of "Black December."

So far, this call has been answered loud and clear,

with a wave of incendiary attacks carried out

in Greece, Chile, Germany, Spain, Mexico and Peru,

a flurry of solidarity statements,

banner drops, actions and events

taking place in countless cities around the world.

And Black December is not over yet….

so if you’ve missed out on the fun so far...

what the fuck are you waiting for?

For the past 21 years,

big environmental groups have been jet setting all over the world,

to try to persuade governments to make binding agreements

to stop corporations from fuckin up the planet.

Basically... this translates to stopping the muthafuckin oil industry.

It’s simple math really.

Stop Exxon from sucking oil out of the ground,

then there’s no oil to burn,

therefore no C02 emissions, right?

"We'd like to see you try!"

Every time one these aptly named COP meetings comes up,

millions of dollars are spent to fly, lodge, and feed

high profile NGO superstars and their entourages.

"They're the physical embodiment of everything that's wrong

"culturally, and politically with this world. You know?

"Maybe they'll see something other than the Mona Lisa.

"They'll get involved with a riot or something....

"jog their political consciousness a little bit."

Not to mention the broke ass peeps

who save their hard earned slave wages

because they got suckered by a Greenpeace ad

telling them to go to this year's massive circle jerk.

"I'd like to speak about a special day

"during my recent trip to Paris.

"All my life, I've dreamed of going there.

"That's why I studied French.

"And attended adult classes for two years."

Not to be a total hater....

I have to say that these have been impressive mobilizations

with beautifully crafted banners

and loads of creative actions

that have caused such beautiful trouble.

"Peru says the activists associated with Green Peace

"damaged the world-renowned Nazca Lines

"during a publicity stunt."

And the results have been outstanding!

For the past 21 years the COP moblizations have cost the oil industry...

drum roll please....

Muthafuckin FUCK ALL!

"Nice try hippy."

This year,

while NGO sellouts were munching on croissants

and jerking each other off in Paris,

peeps in so-called Quebec got up really fuckin early,

went to an Embridge pipeline valve site

and with 47 turns,

shut down the flow of muthafuckin Tar Sands oil

to the entire eastern seaboard of North America

"Shit it's going hard."

After that,

these astute petrol saboteurs

chained themselves to the valve and the gate

with bycicle locks.

"These are U-Locks.

"Kryptonite, high-quality bike locks.

"They are made with metal

"and heavy-duty glue, and other things

"that would make it very difficult,

"or next to impossible to cut.

"So we're here until here we choose to - of our own volition - leave."

They managed to stop the flow of dirty Alberta crude

for ten fuckin hours

costing the company upwards of 5 million bucks!

Now I don’t want to treat y’all like a bunch of dumbasses,

but let’s just do some rough calculations, shall we?

A round trip ticket to Paris from the United Snakes is about a grand.

A hotel room for two weeks is about 1,400 bucks.

Your croissant, souffle and cigarette budget is about 700 bucks.

That comes to 3,100 duckets

Multiply that by... let’s say

10,000 peeps who want to march on the streets with Kumi,

and you come up with 31 million bucks

to persuade.... not a single muthafucka at the UN.

Now... the cost of three Kryptonite New York Locks

is about 300 bones.

Throw in a few egg salad sandwiches,

and some bottles of Gatorade,

and you are roughly spending 317 greenbacks

to inflict severe financial losses to a greedy muthafuckin oil company.

So imagine the damage peeps could do

if they had 31 millions smackers

to spend on u-locks and sandwiches?

Just sayin..

Anywho, I asked these brave anti-oil technicians

why the fuck they did this.

"I'm locking myself down here

"for many reasons.

"One of my reasons recently

"is that I'm soon to be a father.

"I had concerns for the environment

"for myself and everyone before.

"But now it's also for my kid.

"So I'm here to block because this is endangering

"the water we're drinking,

"and the earth I'm making my food grow out of.

"So they're basically endangering

"my basic needs."

This summer we reported on Canada’s anti-terror law called Bill C51,

that further criminalizes exactly what y’all are doing

and equating it to terrorism.

Aren’t y’all scared of what’s gonna happen to y’all?

"That sort of legislation is designed to scare people off

"from taking action.

"And people need to do what they need to do

"for their own reasons, and focus on

"their motivations for doing so,

"and not be deterred by fears of consequences

"because those are unknown.

"These laws are untested,

"and if we allow ourselves to be paralyzed

"by them, then they've won without ever having

"to enforce that law."

Recently it came out in the media

that five major NGO’s made a deal with tar sands oil companies

and the Alberta government.

It is alleged that these NGO’s agreed to stop opposing pipelines

if the oil companies put a limit to their carbon emissions.

What are your thoughts on that deal?

"We don't agree with those things,

"because we are not NGO groups,

"we are citizens groups, and we live near-by

"to where the pipelines pass.

"The opposite to those groups,

"that are living far away from the pipeline

"and we are more concerned, I think,

"with what's going on in our country,

"with what's going on in our community,

"and that's why we don't have the same agenda."

And finally,

is it worth getting arrested and spending time in jail

to do this action?

"It's worth the risk, because this is my conviction

"and people have gone through so many other steps,

"so many other processes to stop [Line-9]

"and is had done nothing.

"So I think we need to go to this step,

"and yes, I'm willing to take the charges

"and face the consequences."

Thanks y’all!

And that about does it for this sedition

of It’s the End of the World as we Know it and I Feel Fine.

Remember if you have story ideas,

would like to know the names of the tracks we played,

want to get our podcast,

subscribe to our email list

or just send me dirty Christmas carols,

just visit my fuckin website: stimulator.tv

This week, the following slaves chose anarchist news

over christmas consumerism

and kicked down to fund this disastrous diatribe.

So big fuckin ups to:

Gregory, Smantha, Premadasi, Sarah, Thomas, Elizabeth, Tim, Freda, Helgi, Joshua, Nicolas, Naomi, T, Kevin. Zerotec, Yifan, Andrew, Ricky, Ross, Alexandra, Ben, Gretchen, Victor, Renzo,

Alejandro, Jessica, Alex, Audrey, Hal, Jeremy, Lady Rott, Sandy, Gummo, Ajay, Lindsey, Gilbert, Keah, Jerad, Willie, Amit, Kirk, Kart, Michael, Aidrian, Joseph, Marisol, Andrew, Lauren, Andrew,

Gregory, Joaquin, Gavin, Stephen, Jason, Samantha, Sebastien, Justin, Joshua, Daniel, William, Bear, Flyn, Per, Jan, Tundra Punks, Jonathan, Steve, Blade, Karlis, Jan, Raul, Deda and Hansen!

Chilaquiles!

I also would like to welcome the newest members of the taconspiracy:

Michael, Anonymous, The Wedge, Ta mere, Reto and Hippo-Monkey

Micheladas!

With that said, I hope you fuckers had a kick-ass 2015.

I know I did.

Next year we’ll be back with more inspiration

to exhale a gargantuan breath

to fan the flames of the muthafuckin revolutionary fire in all of us,

and make 2016 the year in which we dance

upon the ashes of our dead capitalist overlords.

Feliz Año Nuevo muthafuckas!